Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "It's a flashback. If we were on TV, there'd be those fuzzy little edges all around the picture".
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Lonegrowlithe – Why thank you, I'm glad that I'm portraying Australia right, yey, I have another Aussie reading this :D
The events of Roberto and Kitty's 'adventure' have only ever been vaguely hinted at throughout the 'pick on a group' stories, in this chapter, you get every drunken detail of the events in 'Sugar and Spice', rejoice!
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Chapter 12 – The flashback chapter
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BANG BANG BANG BANG
"They've been at that for an awfully long time".
Kurt looked over at Lance. Kurt himself was leaning against the closet door that Kitty and Roberto had been locked into. Sure, it had been about an hour, and they hadn't stopped banging, but still, they had to settle down eventually.
"Stop vorrying, they'll be fine", he said with a grin.
"You are so dead when I get out of here Kurt", growled Kitty's voice from within
"You're going to be throw rug when I've finished with you", from Roberto.
"I can't hear yoooou", sing-sang Kurt.
"Look, can't we just, you know, let them out?", asked Lance.
"This is for Kitty's own good", said Kurt with a smile, "they'll both be better off once this is done"
The banging suddenly stopped.
"See?", smiled Kurt, "they've settled down, I bet they're talking things through right now"
BANG BANG BANG BANG (1)
"Yeah…sure they are", said Lance, sitting down with his arms crossed.
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From inside the closet, Kitty sighed, stopping her incessant banging on the door.
"They aren't going to let us out, are they?", she said.
"Not in a million years", said Roberto, "we may die here"
"But I really need to pee", whimpered Kitty, then growled, crossing her arms, "Well, fine, we'll talk, we'll talk about why when we were drunk, you came on to me"
Roberto snorted.
"Excuse me?", he said, "I didn't come on to you, you came on to me"
"That is such a lie!", said Kitty, "and you know it!"
"No, it's not", said Roberto, then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose together, "let's go through this, step by step, yes?"
"Fine", said Kitty, "we got really, really drunk, after we couldn't find Kurt and Amanda, to stop them from getting married"
"And then Tabby took us out for a night on the town", Roberto squinted, trying to force out a repressed drunken memory, "…and somehow left us at the same bar"
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FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK
"I can't believe they ditched us", Kitty sighed, stomping over to the table Roberto was sitting on, "I mean, that's like, so totally unfair!"
"I know", sighed Roberto, "I was telling Tabby about my great new 'Elvis Dictionary' and she just walked off!"
Kitty blinked at him.
"Elvis dictionary?"
"Sim", said Roberto, "you see, I created a plural for Elvis, then it got me thinking, maybe we needed more Elvis terms"
Kitty listened, entranced.
"You know, you're right, you could make a killing", she said, "the world loves Elvis"
"I know", slurred Roberto
Kitty got to her feet, swaying slightly.
"We should start information gathering now, Pryde and DaCosta, on a mission!", she said…then promptly fell over.
"Good plan", said Roberto, getting unsteadily to his feet and helping Kitty up.
"To the Shadowcatmobile!", shouted Kitty, waving a finger in the air.
Roberto blinked at her.
"We have one of those?"
"No", admitted Kitty, "but I always wanted to say it"
By some miracle, the pair managed to stumble out of the bar without falling over. Once they were back on the Vegas strip, however, they completely forgot what they were doing in the first place.
"Where are we supposed to go again?", asked Roberto, blinking.
Kitty frowned, thinking on this, before grinning.
"Let's eat grapes!", she screamed.
'Grapes are good", grinned Roberto, "there's lots of….errr…what's that stuff called, that's in grapes? It's good for you?"
"Calcium?", tried Kitty.
"No", said Roberto, shaking his head, "graptieum, yeah, that's it, graptieum. It's good for the hearing"
"Really?", asked Kitty, wide-eyed, "then we'd better eat lots of grapes"
Roberto nodded in agreement, then frowned thoughtfully.
"Now…where can we get grapes in Las Vegas?"
Kitty smiled, dragging him along the strip.
"I found somewhere when we were looking for", she frowned, "who were we looking for?"
"Someone….blue", said Roberto, "it must have been Mr. McCoy. Yeah, we were stopping Mr. McCoy from eating all those cookies"
"That sounds about right", said Kitty with a nod, "yes, that's what we were doing. Anyway, I found this place while I was doing that"
She walked along a bit more of the strip, before stopping outside a wedding chapel, pointing to a sign outside. Roberto leaned forward, squinting at it.
"'Free bag of chips with every wedding'", he said, "chips are the same thing as grapes.. right?"
"Of course they are", said Kitty, dragging him inside, "and they're free"
"Free is always good", said Roberto, following her inside.
A woman glanced up form her desk as the pair stumbled inside. She arched a brow at them.
"Can I help you?"
"Yeah", said Kitty, waving in the direction of the door, where the sign was, "we want one of those wedding things, to get our free grapes"
"Free…grapes?", asked the woman.
"Yeah", smiled Roberto, "we like grapes. You call them chips"
The woman sighed, looking them up and down.
"How old are you?"
"I'm twenty-five", said Roberto, "and the heir of the DaCosta corporation. I own you"
"Yeah and I'm", Kitty paused, "how old did you say you were, Robbie?"
"Twenty five", said Roberto.
Kitty nodded, waving in Roberto's direction, swaying slightly.
"I'm the same age as him", she said, "give us our grapes"
The woman smiled. She knew a pair of drunk suckers when she saw them.
"You have to get married first", said the woman, "a twenty dollar ceremony entitles you to a bag of chi…err grapes and a discount coupon for Boo Boo's tattoo parlor"
"Wow, a discount tattoo as well?", Roberto grinned, "I call it!"
"Okay", said Kitty, "but only if I get to pick it"
"That will be twenty dollars, then", said the woman, handing them some forms, "and fill these in"
"You have twenty dollars, right?", whispered Kitty.
"I have thousands of twenty dollars", said Roberto, "I have enough of them to swim in like Scrooge McDuck".
He rifled through his pockets, finding his wallet, managing to mistake a fifty for a twenty. He smiled, handing it to the woman, who blinked.
"Thank you, sir", she said, then added under her breath, "Momma's getting a new pair of earrings"
Meanwhile, Roberto and Kitty had sat down to fill in their forms.
"Do I have a middle name?", asked Kitty.
Roberto squinted, trying to remember.
"Katherine?"
"That's my first name", said Kitty, "Oh, I remember, it's Half-Pint"
Roberto squinted.
"Yeah, that's right", he said with a nod, handing the roughly completed forms over to the desk.
The woman blinked at them, they looked like they'd been filled in by blind no-handed five year olds, without and comprehension of the English language.
"That'll be fine", she smiled, then looked at them, "what song do you want played?"
Kitty grinned, bouncing up and down.
"That song", she said, "the one..oh, I forget it's name. It goes 'La de de. De da de. De de de'.
The woman arched a brow.
"I'll see what I can do".
An hour later, Kitty and Roberto left the little chapel, as man and wife, to the sound of 'Cecilia', which was the closest thing anyone could find to the song Kitty kept humming. (2)
Neither of the couple noticed Amanda, Kurt, Todd and Wanda watching then wide eyed as they passed, Wanda catching the bouquet of cheap flowers Kitty had thrown. They stumbled drunkenly off into the night, which to them, was still young. Kitty experimentally tried to eat one of the chips they'd been given.
"UGH", she said, tossing the bag down, "they lied to us. These aren't grapes at all!"
"Lets get that tattoo, now", grinned Roberto, "we can eat grapes when we get back to the hotel"
"I know just what to get, too!", squealed Kitty as they entered Boo Boo's tattoo parlor.
When they entered, Kitty walked around the rows of tattoos, frowning in concentration, trying to pick out the right one. Finally, she smiled, pointing at it.
"That one!".
Roberto squinted at the tattoo in question.
"Elvis lives", he said, nodding, "cool, that'll show those people who think my Elvis Dictionary is a stupid idea"
"Can I help you?"
'Boo Boo' turned out to be a six foot odd man, who looked like he'd fallen off a motorbike more than a few times in his life. Not that this deterred Roberto and Kitty.
"We want that one", said Roberto, "for me. See, we got a coupon"
He handed the coupon to Boo Boo, who eyed it with an arched brow.
"When most people get a tattoo after getting married, they have their partners name", he said.
"Well, that makes no sense", said Roberto, "we know Kitty lives. She's standing right here"
Boo Boo sighed, he'd tried, he really had.
"Are you old enough to get a tattoo?", he asked, "you look pretty young to me"
"We're old enough to get married!", snapped Kitty, "give him his tattoo, or I'll scream and scream!"
"Okay, okay", said Boo Boo, ushering Roberto to the back room, "seesh"
It wasn't long before the ordeal was over, and Roberto and Kitty had somehow booked themselves into another hotel room.
"Look, I got a receipt and everything!", said Roberto, holding up a piece of paper, "the guy who did it is called Boo Boo". (3)
"Well, it is Boo Boo's tattoo parlor, Roberto", said Kitty, matter of factly, then sighed, looking at the now empty mini-bar, "we've drunk everything. What do we do now? I don't want to go outside again, my legs are tired"
Actually, she was so drunk, she couldn't stand up anymore, but that was besides the point.
"What do normal people do on their wedding night?", asked Roberto, "we should have had a pamphlet or something"
Kitty suddenly snapped her fingers.
"Ooooh, I remember now!", she said with a smirk, struggling to her feet, making a very good imitation of Bambi on ice, "to the bedroom!"
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END FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK
"So….we got married for free grapes, which were actually casino chips, and a discount tattoo?", asked Roberto, blinking.
"Yeah", said Kitty, "man, we were slaughtered"
"It's a miracle we didn't need out stomachs pumped", said Roberto, shaking his head.
"I think we sweated out most of it in, ahem, newlywed activities", blushed Kitty, then chuckled, "As I recall, you were pretty good"
Roberto gave his famous smirk.
"You weren't that bad yourself".
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"They've been quiet for an awful long time", Lance muttered.
"Maybe they've finally sorted things out", smiled Kurt, "ve can have them in the same room again vithout feeling uncomfortable!"
There was a crash from within. Lance narrowed his eyes, heading straight for the door.
"That's it, I'm going in", he said, pulling Kurt out of the way, unlocking the door and opening it, "what the…"
Kurt blinked over Lance's shoulders from his place on the wall. Inside Kitty was sitting on Roberto's lap, pulling away from a full on lip lock. She coughed, pulling the strap of her top back over her shoulders from where it had fallen down.
"Errr…. We learned to get along again really, really well?", she tried.
The ground started to rumble, violently.
"You're a dead man, DaCosta", snarled Lance.
Roberto squeaked, un-tangling himself from Kitty and making for the door.
"I haven't got my powers, it's not exactly fair!", he protested.
"Don't care", said Lance, "I'm going to rip every extremity off your body. And, Robbie, I do mean every extremity"
"Guys, we have a big problem", said Remy, as he and Scott ran up, "Pietro has joined forces with Jamie's evil clone, who created an army of disgruntled clones, who have taken over the hotel"
"The evil clone took Jamie hostage and they're in the main office, with Pietro guarding the door", said Scott, "we need everyone to try and stop him before he kills the original!"
Lance narrowed his eyes, glaring pointedly at Roberto.
"This isn't over, DaCosta", he warned as the gang raced off to save the world… from a thirteen year old boy.
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(1) – This was inspired greatly in the Simpsons when Seymor and Edna are locked in a closet to resolve a teachers strike.
(2) – Cecilia by Suggs. Not a weddingy song, by a long shot.
(3) – One of my favorite comedians Dave Gorman did this. He got an American drivers license tattooed on his arm with his face and information on it while very drunk in Texas. I not this man is a Brit, and so his birth date will forever look wrong to him. He was cheap enough to get a receipt, however. 'What was I thinking? That I might take it back!'. And yes, his tattoo was done by a man named 'Boo Boo'.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I enjoyed that chapter, I did indeed. Do review. Until next time…