Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Superheroes and evil twins go together like peanut butter and... evil peanut butter!"
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Today, I saw my father running the vacuum cleaner over the back yard. Genetically, I am worried for my sanity. There's some random information for you.
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Chapter 12 – The evil Jamie
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All the mutants Scott could find had assembled to take on the 'Evil Jamie'. Wanda, Todd and, of course, Pietro were the only ones unaccounted for.
"We should find Wanda first", protested Kitty, "me and Roberto need our power back"
"Why?", snapped Lance, "so you can do something kinky in the closet?"
"I told you, we are not discussing that right now!", snapped Kitty as Roberto did his best to be invisible.
"Look, have you got any clue how to stop this Evil Jamie?", asked Scott.
Jamie shook his head.
"No, he's really, really evil", he said, "he's probably created his own clone army by now"
"How many clones, exactly, can there be at any one time?", asked Freddy.
"Oh, about forty", said Jamie with a shrug.
"Oh, well dat's just great!", snapped Remy.
"Hey, it's your fault", said Scott.
"I didn't make de clone, did I?", said Remy, narrowing his eyes, "Jamie did"
"Sure, blame the youngest, why not, we're easy targets", sighed Jamie.
"Look, fightin' amongst ourselves won't get us anywhere", said Sam, "we need a plan"
"How evil is this clone?", asked Ray.
"You know when I set the Danger Room on you guys?"
Bobby, Ray and Sam gave him a set of hard, cold glares.
"Vividly", growled Ray.
"Well, it's that aspect of my personality…but worse", said Jamie, "he-I doesn't really have the rest of me, things like caring and reasoning, so he-I is a bit…errr single-minded"
"Oh, fantastic", said Piotr, shaking his head.
"Well, you were supposed to be watching Pietro!", said Scott, "and now he's out there helping the evil Jamie"
Piotr crossed his arms sulkily..
"That idiot was being full of sugar, and runs faster than I am ever being able to"
Scott sighed, shaking his head as the group combed the halls, getting a few odd looks from other visitors to the hotel.
"And I was like, jah, Dude, I'm totally ripping the pipeline"
Scott paused, before a grin crossed his face.
"There's only one person in the whole world I know who is that inarticulate!"
He turned a corner, seeing Alex leaning on a wall, talking to a couple of guys.
"ALEX!", Scott grinned, hugging his little brother.
"Scott", groaned Alex, "you're embarrassing me in front of the other extreme sports players"
He squirmed out of his elder brother's grasp and gave him a glare.
"You're not following me again, are you?", he asked, "'cause that's really lame"
"No", said Scott, a little disheartened, "the Professor sent us out here on a camping trip"
He gestured to the group of mutants behind him.
"Huh", Alex arched a brow, "the Professor really likes those things, doesn't he? I personally think he gets some sort of sick kick out of it"
Scott bristled slightly, before letting out a calming breath. No. Mustn't kill little brother. He'd be an organ donor match.
"What are you doing here, 'Lex?", he asked.
"I'm here on an extreme sports vacation", said Alex, "climbing big rocks, kayaking through crocodile infested waters, paragliding in…"
"Okay, stop, stop now", said Scott, "I don't want to hear about the different number of ways you can kill yourself, thank you"
"I happen to be very good at it, actually, right guys?", Alex frowned when he got no response, turning around, "awww.. man, you scared them off, dude"
Alex's two friends had noticed the furry blue form of Kurt, along with the red-on-black eyed Remy, and towering above them all, a metal man. They had wisely decided to leave…they'd get Alex again later.
"That's okay", grinned Scott, "you can help us track down Jamie's evil clone"
Alex's eyebrow shot up.
"Jamie's evil….clone?"
"He's very evil", added Jamie helpfully, "you ever had a really nasty bully as a kid? My clones like that?"
"He's like Scott?", asked Alex.
"Hey, I was not a bully!", protested Scott.
"You tried to fed-ex me off to Arizona when I was two", said Alex pointedly.
Jean turned to look at Scott in shock.
"Scott!"
"What?", said Scott, then shrugged, mumbling, "it's not like I did it….. I couldn't fit him in the box"
Everyone just glared at him.
"Oh come on, I'm a big brother, all elder siblings bully their younger ones!", Scott protested.
"I would never do that to Snowflake", said Piotr in disgust, "much less when she was only being two"
"Yeah, Scott, you sick, sick, sicko", said Sam disapprovingly, "you're supposed to look after your little siblings. A'hm the eldest of eight, and a'h never bullied one of them"
Scott crossed his arms sulkily.
"Let's just move on with the task at hand, shall we?", he said, "how do we capture this evil Jamie?"
"I have an idea", offered Pyro.
"Anyone other than the raving maniac want to contribute?", tried Remy, meeting blank stares, he sighed, "okay, what is it, Pyro?"
"Remember when Rabid went into heat and took Sabertooth hostage in the Acolyte base?" (1)
Piotr and Remy shuddered.
"Dat was a bad, bad day", said Remy.
"Yes, yes it was", agreed Pyro solemnly, "but remember how we fed her with drugged meat until she fell asleep?"
"Are you suggesting we throw hunks of drugged meat at this Jamie clone in the vain hope that it'll knock him out?", asked Ray.
"No", said Pyro, "but we find something that Jamie liked to eat, drug that and hey presto, problem solved"
"Oh, please", snorted Bobby, "Jamie's not stupid enough to fall for that"
"Actually, yes, yes I am", said Jamie.
Bobby blinked at him.
"….Oh", he said, "…okay then…we'll go with Pyro's idea, then?"
"Somehow, I know this is going to be something we'll regret", grumbled Scott.
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In his evil lair, which was actually the laundry room of the hotel, the Evil Jamie sat on a dryer, plotting. Next to him stood Pietro, his eyes wide from overdosing on sugar, drumming his fingers together and twitching from time to time.
"What's gonna be out next move, Maaaaster?", he asked, "huh, huh ,huh?"
The evil Jamie considered.
"It is simply, Pietro", he said, "we are going to take over the world!"
With that, he let out a booming evil laugh, well, as booming as someone could get without their voice having been broken yet.
"Coooool", said Pietro, "and I can have Candyland?"
The evil Jamie sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Yes, Pietro, you can have Candyland"
"Weeeeeeeeeee!", giggled Pietro, "I will be king of Candyland!"
A plate of waffles suddenly skidded through the door across the floor towards Evil Jamie. Evil Jamie blinked at them suspiciously. He frowned, glancing around, who would give him waffles? Unless they were accepting his new place as the leader of the world. Yeah, it was a gift for their leader, the chumps.
"You sure this is gonna work?", asked Lance.
"Yeah", said Jamie, "I love waffles, can't resist 'em. Tasty waffly goodness…" (2)
He whimpered.
"It sucks my clone is getting them and not me"
"I still think this is stupid", said Kitty, "The last time Pyro and Jamie had an idea together resulted in that stupid Y.A.M.S thing"
"Hey, Y.A.M.S was great!", protested Jamie.
"AT it's peak, it had three members", said Roberto pointedly.
"So, we were slow at recruiting", said Pyro, "given time, it would have been something great, mate"
"I have never been so glad that I live on a little island away form the lot of you in all my life", mused Alex.
The evil Jamie looked over at the waffles, giving them a sniff, he frowned, looking at Pietro.
"Eat one", he said, "there is something wrong, here"
"I thought you said you were stupid enough to fall for it?", hissed Scott at Jamie.
Jamie gave a shrug.
"We-I am", he said, "but we're not going to eat anything without having someone trying it first. Not after eating Kitty's cooking"
"My cooking is not that bad", growled Kitty, trying to keep her voice down.
"You killed one of my clones", said Jamie pointedly, "with a doughnut"
Meanwhile, Pietro had dutifully sat down to eat a waffle, of course, with his fast metabolism, the sleeping pills smuggled inside him in a matter of seconds. He fell flat on his face, snoring. The evil Jamie narrowed his eyes, glancing towards the door.
"Clever", he called, "but not clever enough"
"Okay, that's it", said Scott, "Plan B!"
He set off an optic blast, hitting the ceiling above the evil Jamie, which came down on him with a thunk.
"Owww!", said the original Jamie, clutching his head, before glaring at Scott, "two words: Empathic. Link!" (3)
The rubble moved and three Jamie clones stepped out. The middle one glared.
"Okay, who wants to die?"
"My Gods, he's like the terminator!", said Evan.
"I can't believe your plan was to drop something on his-my head", said Jamie, looking at Scott as if he were an idiot, "considering I only duplicate when something hits me!"
"I wasn't thinking straight, okay?", snapped Scott.
One of the Jamie's form the right gave a war scream, launching himself at Remy's head, yanking at his hair.
"Owww!", shouted the Cajun, "get dis t'ing offa me!"
"This is worse than that day Cookie tried to eat Lucid's leg", mused Evan, "Caliban learned to keep her on a leash from then on in"
"He should visit Warren's alligator sanctuary sometime", said Sam, "all that overgrown pigeon talks about is his lost Cookie"
"This is a lovely little chat", snapped Scott, "but can we save it until after we've stopped the kid with plans for world domination?"
"Oh, I'll do it", said Bobby, freezing one clone in place.
"Cold", juddered the original Jamie as he reached up and absorbed the clone that was trying to chew Gambit's ear off.
"Only one of you left, evil Jamie", said Jean.
"Heh, I can make more of me-us", smirked evil Jamie, "you can't stop us all!
Suddenly, Wanda, still naked, skipped in.
"Blessed be", she said, sending a hex at the evil Jamie, who remerged with the original.
"Wow, I could never remerge my clones without touching them before", said Jamie, impressed.
Wanda nodded, then clicked her fingers at Roberto and Kitty, giving them their power back. With a giddy laugh, she stumbled forward, tripped over her unconscious twin, and fell asleep on the floor. Todd hopped in seconds alter, carrying her clothes.
"Oh, thank god, she's stopped!", he said, starting to dress her again, "man, I'm never lettin' her drink again, yo"
Alex went over and tapped the frozen Jamie.
"What are we gonna do with this one?", he asked.
"Oh let him defrost, I'll absorb him later", said the original, "that's just my disgruntled self anyway"
"I want to keep him as a pet", grinned Pyro, "I'll call him 'Cloney' and we can go for walks and play Frisbee"
"I AM NOT A DOG!", screamed the original Jamie.
"Okay, okay, seesh", Pyro muttered sadly, "I only want a little clone pet"
"Trust me, you don't want them", said Sam, "they get everywhere"
"And they're a pain in the ass", said Ray.
"I hate you all", Jamie announced.
"See, Jamie's got his bad emotions back", grinned Kurt, "everything is right in the vorld again"
"Oh my Gods, where have Kitty and Roberto gone?", Lance narrowed his eyes, the ground shaking, "I bet they've gone in that closet. I'm going to neuter that smirky little…."
"The Maximoff twins both might need their stomachs pumped", added Freddy.
"Aren't we supposed to be up in, like, four hours to do that task for Gelder?", piped up Evan.
"….I'd like very much to lie down now", said Scott.
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(1) – Rabid, you may remember, is the tiger Sabertooth and Jason 'rescued' in 'Teacher Training'.
(2) – Cruise Control, anyone?
(3) – Yes, Jamie shares an empathic link with his clones, if one dies, or gets seriously hurt, he blanks out.
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And so is the fall of Evil Jamie. Do review. Until next time…