Dangerous Desires
By Akasha Ravensong
Part One
No. They would never approve of my longing for him. But that didn't stop me. In my dreams I pined for the gentle, sensuous, silky touch of his hands on my skin. But it will never happen. They would not let it.
They were too wrapped up in feuds and a past that hardly matters anymore, dwelling on things that have been instead of those that may. The past is the past and it should stay that way. It should not be dragged about like some sort of weighted chain that holds one down. It was time to let it die once and for all. Its lessons had been learned, and were well remembered, but life must be lived for the future. There is nothing in the past, nothing but hatred. No, the past should be allowed to die and fade away into memory.
New futures should be built. The hatred that was savored during the war should be forgotten and allowed to die with it. Hate, anger, and jealousy are all emotions that will erode away at our souls and consume us whole should we allow them to continue to dwell within our beings. Minor details should not be allowed to define who or what we are and what we are allowed to become.
The colonies and the Earth needed to put their petty differences aside and live freely together. But alas, there would always be prejudice. It was human nature. There would always be a dark side. All we could truly do was prevent it from controlling us. What more was there to be done?
Why couldn't they see the man he has become behind the stony mask that he parades around in? He is so much more then the killing machine, the Shinigami, that they see him as. He is gentle. He is my angel, my demonic cherub of mischievous pranks and torture.
His laughter hides his pain in a blissful web of contentment. His laughter protects him from a past that is a just as treacherous, if not more so, the one's greatest enemy. His laughter makes me love him.
I wanted to see those who had unjustly done him wrong pay for their crimes against him they did not understand, nor deserve to understand his subtle ways. Because he grew up in a harsh and unloving environment he was forced to put forth a false façade. I wanted the whole world to know the same truths about him that I did.
It sickened me, but I was unable to resist his charm. I had seen a different side of him then anyone else. His duality should have made me nervous; it should have made me wonder if the side of him that I knew was nothing more then a pretense, but it did not. That duality only made him more intriguing to me. It made me want to know everything about him and his life, and made me want to be able to understand everything about him and the way he acts.
The way he moved was so graceful that he caught my eye every time he entered the same room I was in. His cat-like agility and his supple body made me long to see what he looked like beneath his clothes, and made me want him to know what I looked like beneath mine. His athletic build made me yearn to glimpse how toned his body was. I wanted to know every inch of him.
I wanted to run my hands through his silky hair and stare into the depths of his violet eyes. I wanted to take out that braid of his and see just how beautiful his hair really was. I wanted to know what it felt like to have his lips on mine as he deftly stroked my passion and brought my inner fires alive. I wanted my family to accept that people are not always what they seem and accept my choice of lovers. I wanted things that never could and never would be.
I wanted a new reality. I wanted too much. In my dreams I would continue to want, and in my fantasies I would imagine how it would be. To hell with reality, I would make my own fantasy. I would make my dreams come true. I only needed to find the way.
What amazed me was that he allowed me to see that there was more to him the Shinigami he proclaimed himself to be. But he did it in an offhand manner that made it seem as if he was still the same man, and seem as if he had never changed. But he had changed. The lives of those he had slain lay heavy on his conscience, and they tormented him. Yes, he reveled in the joy of the kill, but his conscience still managed to plague him with haunted memories.
I saw that there was more to him then his laughter, for even as that began to fade I loved him still. Over the years he had withdrawn more and more into himself and I was left on the sidelines unable to do anything more he watch as he deteriorated. His laughter became less frequently heard, and his smile rarely seen. Now, the laughter that came forth from him was forced, and false sounding to all who heard it. Duo was but a shadow of his former self.
At first his pranks had begun to loose their originality and the fineness that he had become so well known for. The painstaking efforts he had once put forth to ensure that he never repeated the same prank were abandoned. Then he fell into the habit of repeating the same sequence of pranks over and over again, until finally he just stopped.
It was as if he had given up on the world and on himself. And there was nothing I could do to stop him. He would not let me in anymore. He was no longer the happy go lucky boy that I had once known, but a man who was lost in a battle with his inner demons. He was lost inside of himself somewhere struggling to come to a sort of epitome with himself.
This about him I understood as well. For what I saw him become was someone that I knew all to well. He was becoming me, withdrawing from the world in a cold and calculated manor. I did not know how to help him. I barely knew how to help myself. But I loved him. Despite everything I loved him and I wanted desperately t help him. For if he faded from my life I would have nothing left to live for. Only my sheer stubbornness would keep me going that would only last so long.
I had to find a way to help him if it killed me.
Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, my heart is yours. If only there were a way to make you mine.
PLEASE REVIEW!