Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!"
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Red Witch – Yes, that IS insane. While we were in Florida, all of us automatically made the beds each morning. Of course, we made them the British way, so every time we returned, we found the maid had re-made the beds…and yet, we still made them…Yeah.
For those that loved my musicals, I have started again on the Nutboard, the link is in my author profile. Oh and I apologies if I get distances wrong here, I'm assuming you'd need a plane from the outbacks of Queensland to Lamington…but I'm not good at distance, so if I'm wrong, the Aussies may flog me, I do love a good flogging.
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Chapter 13 – Jungle boogie
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By the time the next week had rolled by, things were almost back to the way they had started their..adventure..almost. A couple of days after the girls' escape, Logan and Hank had appeared in the Velocity, both rather angry that the girls had stolen the X-Jet and forced them to travel back in the much slower heli-jet. As a result, Hank had intense jetlag, while Logan 'needed beer'. After both issues had been attended to, the girls were thrown unceremoniously into the X-Jet, which Hank piloted back, Logan following in the Velocity.
Wanda had taken Lucy the Cane Toad with her, promising Toad she would put the thing in a tank and give her lots of love an affection while she 'settled into her new surroundings'. Kurt had to be prized off Amanda's leg before the human could go home, while Jean had attempted to 'make a run for it'. Kitty had left rather happily, telling anyone who would listen that she would one day be Mrs. DaCosta….again.
The boys, now without female company, bar from Gelder, had gone back to sinking into varying states of depression. Or fear, in Roberto's case, as Lance had promised to 'get him good, when he least expected it'. Scott was sad, losing both his girlfriend and his brother, who had gone off to do some extreme sport that he wouldn't quite disclose. Scott decided he wouldn't be surprised if the next time he saw his baby brother, Alex would be in a full body cast.
Gelder and Jack had herded the group together and piled them into a rented car, driving them off to the nearest 'airport'…or rather, dirt track. Scott blinked, looking around him as they parked next to an airplane, making him squeal with delight.
"We're going home!", he cried happily, "you see the plane? The plane means we're going home, home, home, home!"
"Errr….no", said Gelder.
"No home?", asked Scott, heartbroken.
"We're going to Lamington National Park", smiled Gelder, "so you can appreciate the wonderfully diverse wildlife of Australia"
"I had enough of the 'wonderfully diverse wildlife' after the dingo incident", grumbled Remy.
"..W….wait", stammered Lance, "w…we ha…have to f..f..fly there?"
"What's the matters, Alvers?", smirked Roberto, "you chicken? Cluck cluck cluck"
Lance turned a death glare on the Brazilian.
"He's made enough at you as it is, Roberto", pointed out Sam, "do you really think provoking him is a good idea?"
"I'll get you when the sun goes down, DaCosta", growled Lance, "I'll get you good"
"Just shut up and get in the plane", said Gelder, "I can't believe Logan pretended he couldn't see or hear me, even when I was right in front of him"
"That's because he blocked you from his memory", muttered Scott under his breath as they all got into the plane.
As soon as everyone had piled in, Jack got into the pilot seat and started up the plane. The engine made an odd chocking noise, before the whole plane shuddered.
"Is there something wrong with the plane?", asked Lance, panicked, "is there something wrong with the plane!"
"There's nothing wrong with the plan, ya galah", snapped Jack, "clam down before I give ya a sedative!"
He gave the control panel a sharp kick and the engine spluttered into life.
"There, good as new"
Lance gave a whimper, before passing out.
"…At least he's calm now", said Gelder helpfully.
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Lance had stayed 'calm' all the way to the National Park, when the plane landed, the group had to carry the unconscious mutant into a waiting truck, which took the depressed boys to their destination. Lance awoke to find Pyro grinning as they parked in the car park.
"This is so cool", grinned Pyro, "I used to come here as an ankle biter".
Lance looked at him groggily.
"Ankle biter?", he asked, "geez, Allerdyce, you have some weird fetishes"
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that", said Pyro, giving him a glare.
A woman suddenly walked over to them, a huge smile across her face.
"G'day and welcome to Lamington National Park", she said cheerfully, "you're the Xavier-Lensheer party aren't you?"
"Those are the very men who sent us on this torturous experience", said Todd, then blinked as everyone looks at him, "I mean, yeah…those're the jerks…yo"
"You have to stop watching the Discovery channel, Toad", said Pietro, "it makes you think you're smarter than you are"
"Oh, leave him be", said the woman, still smiling, "My name's Sindi, and I'm going to be your guide!"
"She sounds spookily like Gelder", muttered Ray under his breath.
"Maybe they were separated at birth?", asked Remy.
"Oh, don't be ridiculous", said Gelder.
"They got a point", said Jack.
"I said don't. Be. Ridiculous", growled Gelder dangerously.
"..Okay, seesh, sorry", Jack rolled his eyes.
"Right-o", smiled Sindi, clapping her hands together, "would you like the guided tour, or would you prefer to have a map and go about on you own?"
"On our own!", shouted Scott, "on our own!"
"Are you sure?", asked Sindi, "because I can give a really good talk on…"
"We are fine being on our own", smiled Piotr, then whimpered, "please"
"Oh…", Sindi frowned, "….well…okay…just stick to the trail, okay?"
"We will", said Pietro, snatching the map off her.
"Come on, Jack", smiled Gelder, grabbing his arm, "let's leave the kids learn by themselves, you can buy me a drink at the bar"
"…But I don't want to", whimpered Jack.
"Too bad", growled Gelder, "you're gonna!"
"Someone got over Logan", said Evan with a smirk.
"Nah", said Remy, "she's on de rebound. Dere will be tears before bedtime…..or during"
"I think I should take the map", said Scott, snatching it off Pietro, "I'll make sure we don't get lost"
"Considering Pyro's the only one of us that ahs ever been here before, shouldn't it be him?", asked Bobby.
Scott gave him a cold, hard glare…or at least tried to through his shades.
"And I thought you were on my team", he said, then snorted, heading into the forest, "don't worry about it, we won't get lost"
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"We're lost"
Scott twitched slightly, turning his glare to Jamie.
"We are not lost", he growled, "we are just misplaced"
"That's Summers-talk for lost", said Freddy.
"Good", said Lance, "that means I can kill Roberto after sundown, no one will ever find the body"
Roberto whimpered, choosing to hide behind Freddy.
"Oh God, ve are going to die here!", wailed Kurt, "ve are going to be eaten by something with a stupid name!"
"Hey!", said Pyro, "our animals don't have stupid names! You want to know a stupid name? Nightcrawler. That's a worm, you know"
Nightcrawler whimpered, looking at Scott.
"You promised me it vasn't a vorm!", he said, "you said everyone else was lying! You're the one vho lied. Liar!"
"Thanks a lot, Pyro", said Scott with a sigh, "you want to talk stupid names, what about yours? Who names their kid Saint John"
Pyro's eye twitched as he made a 'neeh' sound.
"My name is NOT Saint John", he growled, "it's St.John. Say it with me Sin-Jin, Sin-Jin! Not Saint John. Why do you idiots make the same mistake all the bleedin' time? It's not said like it's spelt! It's Sinjin, Sinjin, SINJIN!" (1)
"He does not like to be being called Saint John", whispered Piotr unhelpfully.
"Okay, sorry", said Scott, "but 'Sinjin' is a really stupid name, too"
"No it's not", sniffed Pyro, "I don't say you guys have stupid names"
"You just made fun of Kurt's!", snapped Bobby.
"That was his codename!", protested Pyro, "not his real name! There's a vast difference! You pick your own codename….me Mum named me St.John"
The Aussie gave a sob.
"I miss Mum!", he cried, "I want to go home!"
"Pyro, you are home", said Remy pointedly.
"This is not Sydney", said Pyro, "we haven't seen Sydney once!"
"Yeah well…..that's too bad", said Scott, unfolding the map, "now. Let's get our bearings, just to help us, not because we're lost…which we aren't".
Duncan yawned as the group sat down to look at their map. Why should he lower himself to look at the map with those freaks? Huh. The tree above him began to rustle, causing him to look up. Blinking down at him was an adorable little koala.
"Go away, flea bag", he said.
The koala blinked at him as it chewed on a eucalyptus leaf. Duncan narrowed his eyes.
"Okay…maybe you're a little bit cute", he admitted.
He gave a look at the group, who weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to him, far too engrossed in their map. He grabbed a handful of leaves, reaching them out to the koala.
"Here you go, little guy", he smiled, "you hungry?"
The koala blinked at him, then at the leaves. It blinked once more, before hissing, dropping onto Duncan's head, digging it's claws into his skull.
"Oh my God", squeaked Duncan, "guys…guys…."
They ignored him, in fact, Sam, Bobby and Ray began to sing, causing the rest of the group to join in.
"Top of the world, lookin' down on creation and the only explanation I can find", sang the small group, completely oblivious to Duncan running around trying to dislodge the koala from his head, "is the love that I found, ever since you been around…" (2)
"Help me!", screamed Duncan, "it's killing me!"
"Oh look", said Bobby calmly, "Duncan's being mauled by Blinky Bill"
"Should we save him?", asked Paul.
"No", said Ray, "if you want to help your fellow Flatscan than go right ahead"
"Hey, Human, wanna answer me a riddle?", smirked Todd.
"Not really", said Paul.
Todd ignored him, carrying on heedlessly.
"Adman an' Eve an' Pinchme went out ta sea", he recited, "Adam an' Eve drowned, who do ya think was saved?"
Paul blinked at him.
"Pinchme?", he tried.
"Okay", grinned Todd, suddenly pinching Paul's arm and laughing. (3)
Paul looked at Todd, then at his arm, before screaming. Loudly.
"That. Is. IT!", he snapped, turning to glare at the mutants, "all through this trip you people have treated me like a doormat, and why? Because I don't have some godamn power to soot eye beams, or make the ground shake, or whatever the hell it is that creepy cloning kid does! Well, I have had enough"
He jutted his thumb behind him to where Duncan was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood, the koala having gotten bored and left him.
"I am not like Mathews. I never have been, and I never will be", he said, "Mathews is a bigoted jerk, but have I ever said anything nasty to you people? No. Did I treat you like dirt like Teryn did? No!. You all just assumed because I was human I would hate you, geez, get off your pity party already!"
He pointed at Kurt.
"His girlfriend is human, but you don't say anything to her, why, exactly? Because she knew what you were before you were exposed to the world?"
"No because Kurt would bite us if we treated her badly", said Todd, "..plus that girl can throw a mean punch"
Paul ignored this comment, rounding on Scott.
"And YOU", he snapped, "I was your best friend, and you couldn't tell me about this before hand? What, you didn't trust me? And after you were exposed to the public, you just hid yourself away with Jean. You go about saying I abandoned you, you didn't even give me a chance. You were too caught up in feeling sorry for yourselves, you didn't think for one second what impact it would have on us 'Flatscans' as you call us"
"Paul…it might be an idea to take a deep breath now", suggested Scott.
"Ooooh noo, I don't to take a breath, no, not me", snapped Paul, "I'm obviously not worth the air you 'higher evoluntionaries' use anyway, right? Well, screw you, screw all of you! I'm going off in this direction, and I don't give a rats ass what the rest of you do!"
With that, Paul marched off into the jungle, stepping over Duncan as he went.
"….Wow….Paulie finally flipped out", said Bobby.
"We'd better go after him", sighed Scott getting up, "Freddy, will you carry Duncan?"
"Can I drag him instead?", asked Freddy.
Scott considered this for a moment.
"Yes, yes you may"
"Okey dokie", grinned Freddy, grabbing the jock's legs and dragging him along the ground as they headed off after Paul.
It didn't take them long to catch up to Paul, who was standing at the edge of the forest.
"Paul", said Scott, coming up, "look, man, I'm sorry, I…"
He blinked as he followed Paul's line of vision.
"It's the car park!", said Sam, "he found us our way out!"
"How the hell did you do that?", asked Evan, blinking.
"I don't know", shrugged Paul, "I haven't gotten lost since puberty"
Everyone blinked at him.
"You're messing with us", said Pietro.
Paul smirked.
"Surprise"
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(1) – Yes, it is. A bit of me got out there, too. It annoys the crap out of me that he's called 'John' in the movie. It's St.John, pronounced Sinjin. Then again, the movie didn't give him an Aussie accent either, so there you go. I admit, my earlier works do call him John.. until I learned the truth. Yup.
(2) – From Friends, TOW The Blackout, no doubt my favorite episode ever. The scene always makes me laugh. Replace koala with cat and you got it down.
(3) – A friend pulled this on me once, when we were about 9. I can't even remember which childhood friend did it, only the pinching incident stayed in my mind…and the fact I stopped talking to her soon after said pinching incident. Yes, I hold grudges for a long, long time.
That ending came as much as surprise to me as it may have done to you. I just typed it at the end of the chapter….when my muse does things like this, I don't argue with it. Do review! Until next time…