Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies".
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Chapter 14 – Just visiting
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The weeks after the fateful reserve visit had passed quickly, and the boys soon found themselves on the day before they were due to go home. Paul had endured much quizzing, to which he would explain, many time, that he could always find himself 'un-lost'. Scott had decreed that he needed to go to the mansion and be checked out by Cerebro. Paul told him exactly where he could put Cerebro, and the mansion. It wasn't a pleasant place. Needless to say, the two hadn't talked much after that. Today, however, today was different, the sweet smell of freedom was in the air, just one day left to endure. Just. One.
"As seen as it's your last day", said Jack, smirking at them, "I decided to let you explore wherever you want to…as long as it's in Australia. The Professor financed it so there are three planes waitin' to take you wherever you need to go, but you have to remain in groups of three or more..now…."
"I want to go to Ramsey Street!", squealed Pietro
Pyro looked at him flatly.
"You ARE aware it's just a street, right?", he asked, "that the characters don't actually live there?"
Pietro's lip quivered before he coughed.
"I knew that", he said meekly.
"Fine", said Jack, "who else wants to go with Weird-Boy to see the Soap-Opera street?"
"Not me", said Pyro, "I'm using this time to visit me Mum and Dad"
He smiled politely at the group.
"Anyone can come if they want to, my folks won't mind"
"I think I will", said Freddy
"Are you crazy?", asked Todd.
Freddy shrugged.
"I'm curious to see what being could spawn something like Pyro", he said, "besides, I'd really like a home-cooked meal"
"With the Allerdyces, it's probably a home incinerated meal, yo", muttered Todd.
"Food is food", said Kurt, "I'm in"
"Where do you want us to send the bodies?", chuckled Lance.
"Hey, stop picking on my parents!", snapped Pyro, "they're good people!"
"Well, I am wishing to visit Uluru", said Piotr, "I have always been wanting to paint it"
"Yeah", grinned Duncan, "and we can see that Ayers Rock place too!"
"……No, I am not even going to dignify that with an answer", said Piotr.
"Fine, fight out who's going where amongst yourselves", said Jack, "I'm going to the nearest bar and staying there"
"I'll come with you", grinned Gelder, "We can spend some quality time together"
She batted her eyelashes at him, and Jack stepped well back.
"Hell, no!"
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After much squabbling, the group had split into three, with only Jack and Gelder staying behind. Hunger and sheer curiosity had got Freddy, Kurt, Ray and Sam had headed off to Sydney with Pyro to see his parents.
"…Well….it looks like a normal house", said Ray, blinking up at it.
"To be honest, I was expecting a mental asylum", said Kurt.
Pyro either didn't hear, or chose not to hear their comments as he happily walked down the path, leading his band of not-so-sure followers behind. Before he even got to the door, it flung open and the teen was engulfed by a very large, red-headed woman.
"My baby's come home!", she screamed happily, the top of Pyro's head being just visible over her arm.
"….Not breathing", gasped Pyro's muffled voice, "…Mum…not breathing"
She let him go, and grinned at the others.
"Oh, and you brought friends!", she grinned, "ripper! Come on in, guys"
She happily bustled back inside, taking her son with her.
"…If any of us die in there", said Freddy, "whoever's left has to take the body out"
"Agreed", they said in unison, following the Allerdyces in.
Once inside, Pyro's mother gave them a grin, looking at each of them in turn. Kurt was quite thankful he'd put on his image inducer.
"It's nice to see St.John has so many friends", she grinned, "I was so worried he'd be all alone in America. So, how do you find Oz?"
Sam, having been trained from birth to always, always, always be polite to adults, gave her a smile.
"It's very nice, Mrs. Allerdyce"
"Oh, call me Vicky", she said, "St.John, take your friends to the living room, I'll go and get your father. ANDREW!" (1)
They winced as the large woman bustled out.
"Your mother frightens me", whispered Kurt.
"Mum frightens a lot of people", shrugged Pyro, wandering off into the living room.
Sam paused as they passed by a framed newspaper clipping on the wall. He blinked at it, before squeaking, yanking back the closest person to him, who happened to be Ray.
"Oww, what?", asked Ray, narrowing his eyes as Sam whimpered, pointing to the clipping, dated twenty two years ago.
Volatile Vicky Free To Go, read the headline, After spending twenty years of her life in the Home for the Mentally Disturbed and Bewildered, Vicky Tomlinson was released with a clean bill of health yesterday. The young woman, who earned her nickname 'Volatile Vicky' had been placed in the care of the home at the age of sixteen, after her strange mood swings and pyromania caused her to set alight the boyfriend who cheated on her. The Sydney native stated she was glad to be able to go home, and rebuild her life again.
"…….Oh lordy", said Ray, "madness is genetic"
Vicky grinned as she walked in, dragging a slightly tired-looking man behind her. She smiled, nodding at her clipping proudly.
"I told them I was fine", she said, then patted her husbands arm, "besides, it let me meet Andy here"
"Dad was assigned to keep an eye on her", said Pyro, then added in a mumble, "he's a fireman" (2)
Kurt could hold back the sudden laugh from within him.
"Really?", he asked, "vow, how does that vork?"
"How does what work?", asked Andy, blinking and cocking his head to the side.
"Vell, you know, your son and the vhole fire……", Kurt trailed off as Pyro made frantic 'cut-throat motions' behind his parents back, "...hating?"
"Very well", said Andy proudly, "St.John knows all about the dangers of fire, one day, he might follow in his Dad's footsteps, huh son?"
"Heh", said Pyro, slightly nervously, "yeah….right"
The group twitched in unison, obviously trying very hard not to collapse into a fit of laughter.
"Well, I bet you guys are starving!", said Vicky, "I'll make some grub!"
She headed off to the kitchen, Andy following her.
"I have to keep an eye on her, you know..with the cooker", he explained as he vanished.
As soon as both Allerdyce parents had gone, the group blinked at Pyro.
"…What was that surreal piece of the twilight zone?", asked Freddy.
Pyro sighed.
"My parents don't know I'm a mutant, okay?", he said, "they think I went to America as an exchange student"
"So they don't know about the fire..thing", asked Sam.
"No", admitted Pyro, "and you guys can't tell 'em. Oh, man, if they found out, I'd be dead!"
"But they're your parents", said Kurt, "I'd have thought it voudln't matter"
"Did you not hear what my Dad does?", asked Pyro, "he's a FIREFIGHTER. He wants me to be part of the family business. Can you see that happening? Really!"
"How on earth did you manage to hide this from your parents for so long?", asked Ray.
"By being very, very careful", said Pyro, "so ixnay on the powers-ay. And whatever you do, don't call me Pyro"
"….I wish I'd gone to Ramsey street", sighed Kurt.
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"Neighbors, everybody needs good neighbors!".
Scott groaned.
"Pietro, for the love of all things decent", he said, "Stop. Singing"
"Nut this is Ramsey Street!", said Pietro, "this is where the magic happens! Any minute now, we'll see Harold and Lou…or Karl, oh, or even, Cyndi! She can give me a lap-dance anytime she wants, rrooowr!" (3)
"…You are a weirdo of the most supreme kind", said Roberto.
"You're only here because you're hiding from Lance", sniffed Pietro.
"Yes, I am", said Roberto, "do you think I'm loco enough to go to a place with a big rock where a guy who controls the earth wants me dead!"
"Well, if ya hadn't slept with Kitty again, then he wouldn't want ya dead, would he?", quipped Todd.
"Oh, go catch a bug, Toad", said Roberto, watching as Pietro dashed around, taking pictures.
"Can't you find any of the actors, Mr. Un-lost?", asked Pietro, giving Paul a poke.
"Last time", said Paul, "it doesn't work like that. I can find myself back form places I would otherwise be lost in, but I can't find things or people
Pietro blinked at him.
"Man, your power's more crappy than Toads!"
"Hey!", said Todd, crossing his arms, "my power 'aint crappy, thank you very much"
"Is too", said Pietro, then sighed, "well, we'll just have to sit here and stake them out!"
"…Pietro Maximoff wants to stay in one place for a long time", blinked Roberto, "put it in the history books"
"Guys, how much longer do we have to stay here?", whined Jamie, "and why couldn't I have gone to the big rock?"
"Because I'm not letting you anywhere near Gambit again", said Scott, "not after the whole Evil Jamie business"
"But he's gone deep, deep down now, I swear", tried Jamie, "come on, Scott, this is duuuuuull"
"Look, it's no more interesting at Ayers Rock", said Scott pointedly.
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"Wow, this is awesome!"
The third group had got to Ayers Rock to find they weren't technically allowed on or near it. Of course, that wasn't going to stop a bunch of mutants. After taking a quick poll, the group of Remy, Duncan, Lance, Bobby Evan and Piotr realized there wasn't one among them who cared much about the rules, and thus Bobby had iced them all to the top of the rock, bar Piotr, who had settled himself down some distance away form it to paint the thing.
"So, this is it", said Bobby, glancing around, then sighed, "…it doesn't do much, does it?"
"Of course it doesn't, it's a rock", said Evan, taking a few pictures, "I only came because Callisto wants pictures of this hunk of earth"
Lance seemed to have zoned out, sitting in a meditative position on the rock.
"I am the rock", he chanted, "I am the earth, we are one"
"….Is he okay?", blinked Bobby.
"He'll be fine", grinned Remy, "let him enjoy his powers"
Remy's eyes wandered to where Duncan was sitting…very, very close to the edge of the rock. Remy looked at his bo staff considerately. He could, if he wanted to, get rid of this mutant hater, before he grew up to be someone who would no doubt oppress them all….it was very tempting. Remy blinked as an angel and a devil appeared on either shoulder. The angel looked frighteningly like Warren, while the devil looked like Kurt.
"….I need to stop drinking tequila", muttered Remy, shaking his head.
"Go on", said Shoulder-Warren, giving a smirk, "push him off the rock, you know you want to"
"No", said Shoulder-Kurt, "that vould be vrong. He could die"
Remy blinked.
"…Aren't you guys supposed to do dis de other way around?" (4)
He looked at Duncan as he scrawled 'Die Mutie Scum' on the rock.
"He has simply lost his vay", said Shoulder-Kurt, "a kind vord will show him mutants aren't all that bad"
"Don't listen to that guy", said Shoulder-Warren, jerking a thumb and Shoulder-Kurt, "He's trying to read you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!" (5)
Remy frowned.
"Shoulder-Warren does make a very compelling argument", he said, then looked at Shoulder-Kurt, "plus, Duncan really has it coming to him"
"He's a jeeerk", sang Shoulder-Warren, then smirked, "besides, who do you listen to more, me or him?"
"….I got nothing", said Shoulder-Kurt with a shrug.
Remy smirked, 'accidentally' flicking out his bo staff, watching as Duncan screamed, rolling down the side of the rock.
"Whooops", he grinned.
There was a metallic clunk as Duncan hit Piotr at the bottom.
"Oww!", came Piotrs voice, "Remy, why did you throw Duncan at me for?"
"My Shoulder-Warren told me to do it"
Piotr blinked, putting Duncan's unconscious form on the ground, going back to painting.
"Remy, you really have to be laying off the tequila"
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(1) – Pyro's parents were never mentioned in the comics. In fact, the only family he alluded to in the comics was an unnamed grandmother, so these are completely made up. Of course, I hardly ever randomly name characters, Andrew and Vicky were the names of the parents of the pyrokenetic Charlie in Stephen Kings 'Firestarter'.
(2) – Inspired by the Tim Burton 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. Burton gives Wonka a back-story, his father being a dentist. I really liked the idea of a son having a job which actually is antagonistic to that of his fathers. Great stuff. Burton rules!
(3) – Neighbors is the only soap I watch, and even then, it's sparsely, I can go for weeks without seeing the thing, then randomly watch it.
(4) – I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't. I saw this in fan art once, by Andy Diehl with Logan in place of Remy (pondering on hitting on Jean), it was absolutely fantastic…and very true to character.
(5) – From the Emperors New Groove. It had to be used
And there we go, the next chapter will be the last. Do review, until next time…