Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Yes, your planet called, said your mission on Earth was over and could you go home"

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Large parts of this fic were inspired by my favorite episode of the ace Britcom 'The Young Ones', 'Bambi' (AKA the University Challenge one). So much was used in fact, I'm stating it up here instead of having a billion footnotes. I recommend this show to anyone with a bizarre sense of humor.

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Chapter 15 – America again

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"Be it ever so huuuuumble there's no place like hoooooooome".

The group groaned as Bobby began to sing…again.

"Bobby, shut up", snapped Ray, "now"

"But we're going home today!", grinned Bobby, "home, to America. Away from this hot, sweltering oven of a country!"

"Hey!", snapped Pyro, "just because you can't handle the heat, doesn't mean you can diss Australia"

"Oh well, you'd know all about heat, wouldn't you?", asked Bobby, "maybe we should ask your father, the firefighter what he thinks?"

"Don't make me melt you", growled Pyro.

"You know", observed Remy, "you guys sound like a low budget porn movie"

"Trust you to know that, Gambit", said Scott disapprovingly, "and be quiet, there are young ears listening?"

"Who me?", Jamie gave a disgruntled snort, "I've seen Good Will Humping three times now" (1)

"That's…..mildly disturbing", said Sam, "how did you manage to do that?"

"Scott has this biiiig pile of them at the bottom of his wardrobe", grinned Jamie, "along with some whips, chains and assorted materials made out of leather"

"No I don't!", screamed Scott.

"Well, well", grinned Lance, "quite kinky, aren't we, Summers? I never figured Jean as a dominatrix type"

"All lies, I tell you", cried Scott, "LIES!"

"Will you all stop bloody shouting, I have a headache!", snapped Jack, approaching the group, carrying a pile of large black bags.

"When do we go home?", asked Freddy, "please say now"

"Not now", said Jack, putting the bags on the ground, "these need to be taken to the launderette. Logan said he wasn't flying anywhere with bags that smelt of toxic waste"

"Laundry", whined Pietro, "who wants to do laundry?"

"No one", said Jack, "that's why I'm hand-picking a few of you to do it"

He smirked, pointing at Pietro, Todd, Remy, and Kurt.

"You. you, you, and you"

"Vhy?", asked Kurt sadly.

"I don't like you. And you", he glared at Remy, "are still in trouble for throwing the jock off the edge of Ayers Rock"

"Mmff mffmle", said Duncan, from where he'd been propped up against a wall in a full body cast.

"What about everyone else?", asked Todd.

"They get to clean up the hotel rooms", said Jack with a pleasant smile, causing a groan from the group, "I don't care, get to it, now"

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After struggling with the vile black bags, Pietro, Remy, Todd and Kurt finally got them down to the hotel's launderette. Once there, they gathered around the first black bag, staring at it.

"Bagsie not me to open it", said Pietro.

"How about we rock, paper, scissors it?", offered Todd.

"Oh, just get on with it!", snapped Remy, pulling open the bag and reeling back with a squeak, very nearly falling over.

"Man, that is bad", winced Kurt, "how did they get so smelly?"

"You mean besides the jungle, desert and other fun locations?", asked Pietro, then blinked as something slivered out, "something's alive in there!"

The 'something' was a green sock. It slid out of the bag and moved across the floor.

"Oh, I was lookin' fer that one!", said Todd with a grin.

The sock reared up like a snake observing the quartet of mutants, before making a dash towards Kurt.

"Arrghhh!", yelled Kurt as the sock lunged at him, "I'm being hassled by a killer sock!"

"Todd, you've been told a thousand times", snapped Pietro, "if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed to have any"

"You mean this happens regularly?". asked Kurt as he jumped on top of a washing machine.

"Oh yeah", said Pietro, "we can't explain it, it's kinda like that little city we found growing on the green stuff at the back of the fridge"

"The only thing Freddy won't eat", smiled Todd, "good times"

"Can you please help me?", squeaked Kurt as the sock began jumping up, trying to get him, "kill it!"

Remy began smacking the thing with his bo staff, causing the sock to shriek in pain, before lying still.

"Danke", said Kurt, hopping off, looking at it, "that's…scary"

"Well, lets get these things washed, then", said Todd, picking up a handful of clothes, as if nothing had even happened.

As if knowing their fate, every single machine suddenly locked it's own doors.

"Houston, ve have a problem", said Kurt.

"Okay", said Remy, levering his bo staff against one of the doors, "if we pull it, we might get it open, oui?"

"That's you're bright idea?", asked Pietro, incredulous.

"It's either dat of blow it up", said Remy with a shrug.

"I hate manual labor", sighed Pietro, walking over with Kurt and Todd, pushing down on the staff, forcing the door open.

"Go, go, go!", shouted Todd, bracing his legs on the floor as he held the door ajar, Kurt and Pietro quickly shoving the clothes in, then ramming the door shut as the machine bucked like a bronco.

"Vell, this is fun", snapped Kurt, bamfing on top of the machines and putting some change in it, "next time, let's go have out legs sawn off!"

The machine hummed to life, the boys letting out a collective sigh of relief.

"Only eight more bags to go", said Pietro, "want to fight with another machine?"

"Non", said Remy, sitting down, "I'm going to sleep"

Pietro cocked his head to the side.

"Aren't you going to wash that manky trench coat of yours?", he asked, "I've never seen it off you"

Remy looked at Pietro as if he'd grown an extra head.

"My trench coat never gets washed", he said, "an' if you try to take it from me, I will break your legs an' make you eat dem"

"I don't think he wants you touchin' his trench coat, yo", whispered Todd unhelpfully.

"Freak", muttered Pietro.

"Cheer up, guys", said Kurt, "could be vorse, ve could be cleaning the rooms!"

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"Dukes, what are you doing?"

Freddy blinked over his shoulder at Scott.

"I'm putting all the hotel amenities into my suitcase", he replied, "what does it look like I'm doing?"

"You can't do that!", said Scott, "it's against the rules!"

"Oh no!", said Freddy in mock shock, "how awful of me. Thanks, Scott, you've shown me the error of my ways"

"There's no need to be sarcastic about it", muttered Scott, "I guess I should be thankful you're not trying to steal my girlfriend"

"Once!", said Freddy, "that happened ONCE, let it go. Geez, you X-Men hold a grudge"

"You kidnapped Jean, took her to an abandoned warehouse and tied her to a chair", said Scott flatly, "are you surprised, really?"

"I only had the best intentions", sniffed Freddy, "at least I could tell her how I felt, unlike someone who tortured her by dating her best friend and avoiding her whenever he could"

"He's got you there, Scott", said Evan with a shrug.

"I was just biding my time!", snapped Scott huffily, "at least my dates don't involve getting tied up"

"From what Jamie said he found in your wardrobe, I'd have thought it would be a key element in your dates", smirked Pyro.

"Mhffm mfuthhm", said Duncan.

"Oh, don't even get me started on you", said Scott, "you're worse than Fred!"

"Ooooh, mints!", said Freddy, "pity they only give you so many of these"

"Problem solved", grinned Jamie, taking the mint off him and banging his fist against the wall.

One Jamie holding one mint became six Jamie's holding six mints, they remerged into a whole, Jamie giving Freddy the now handful of mints.

"I want to adopt this kid", said Freddy, "really"

"This is wrong, it's stealing", said Scott again, then paused, "Alvers, leave Roberto alone!"

Lance looked up from where he had been trying to push Roberto out of the hotel window.

"But…"

"Look, I know you're mad about Kitty, but killing him won't solve anything", said Scott.

"It'll make me feel better", said Lance.

Scott sighed, holding his head in his hands.

"Is it time to go home yet?"

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Now onto their fifth load, the group on laundry duty were getting bored…very bored. Kurt and Remy were playing Go Fish, Todd was hunting cockroaches, and Pietro….

"Hands up who likes me", he said suddenly.

No one even so much as flinched.

"Got any threes?", asked Kurt.

"Go fish", said Remy.

"Ooooh a crunchy one!", said Todd happily.

"Ugh, do you have to do that?", grimaced Kurt, "it's disgusting"

"No, they're fulla fiber", said Todd, "if they were mashed up an' covered in chocolate, you wouldn't know the difference"

"I think I vould", said Kurt.

"I said, hands up who likes…", repeated Pietro, a little louder this time

"We heard you the first time, Pietro", said Todd, "no one likes you"

"Why?", asked Pietro with a whine.

"You got a week?", asked Remy, "dat's how long it'd take to list de ways dat we don't like you"

"Fine that's it!", cried Pietro, "I'm going to end it all, that'll show you!"

He zipped away, returning with a large jar of tablets, throwing them down his mouth.

"….Can you actually kill yourself with laxative pills?", asked Kurt, squinting at the label.

"I don't know", grinned Remy, "but Gambit's gonna stay an' find out"

"Everyone will mourn my death!", cried Pietro, still popping pills, "there will be shrines everywhere, and people will come from miles to sob and cry.. And people will say: 'Why are the kids crying'?. And they'll say: 'Haven't you heard? Pietro is dead!' And then…."

Pietro's eyes suddenly widened.

"…..I gotta go!", he screamed, dashing off in a flurry of wind.

The group blinked at him before shrugging, going back to what they were doing.

"Got any fours?"

"Go fish"

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A few hours later found the group packing their things into the Blackbird, Scott having gone as far as giving Logan a hug, promising he'd be the best X-Man in the world as long as he was never subjected to such torture ever again. Logan had pleasantly told him to get off before the sliced his head off….Scott complied.

"Guys", said Pyro suddenly, "I\m staying"

………

Pyro blinked at the silence.

"I expected more of a reaction than that, actually"

"Well…we were kind of expecting it", said Sam with a shrug, "we've been bettin' on times for when you decides.. who got today?"

"Me!", grinned Evan, "bring on the moohlah"

"So…you won't even try and make me stay?", asked Pyro, a bit disappointed, looking over at the Acolytes.

"Not really", said Piotr with a shrug, "I am still planning to be smuggling myself back to Russia….one I am able to find a box big enough to hide in"

"I don' really care", admitted Remy with a shrug, "less stuff'd get burned dis way"

"That's right", smirked Ray, "think about it, Pyro. If you stay here, you won't be able to use your powers ever, ever again, or your parents will find out"

He chuckled.

"Imagine, never being able to manipulate fire ever, ever again", he said, "your Dad'd probably keep you away from it, 'cause it wouldn't be safe. You'd have to get rid of all your zippo lighters and…"

"Ray", said Bobby, clearing his throat, "he's already in the jet"

"Wow", said Ray, "that was easy"

"Thanks a lot, Sparky", muttered Todd, "now we're gonna have him comin' around to the house again', tryin' ta steal matches. We were this close ta gettin' rida him. This close"

"Okay, Kids, "let's go home", said Logan, starting up the jet.

"Mhffpm, muffph", said Duncan.

"Hey, think yerself lucky I'm flyin' you, Evan an' Paul home", said Logan, shaking his head.

"Advance Australia Fair", sang Pyro sadly as the jet took off, leaving the land far behind, "In joyful strains then let us sing, Advance Australia Fair" (2)

"Oh Gods, is he going to be at that all the way?", moaned Kurt.

"Hey, it'll drain out the sounds of Pietro in the bathroom", shrugged Todd.

"I'm really not feeling very well", came Pietro's meek voice.

"You brought it upon yourself", said Remy with a smirk.

"Hey guys", piped up Jamie, "when we get home, will it be today, tomorrow or yesterday?"

"…..Here we go again", sighed Scott, banging his head against the window, "I'm never leaving the mansion again"

END

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(1) – Good Will Humping is one of the many fake porn titles used in Friends.

(2) – Though I'm sure I've already mentioned it, 'Advance Australia Fair' the national anthem of Oz.

And there's this story finished, the 4th in the series, weee! As for the next group to be tortured, it's a toss between the Morlocks or the Acolytes….I dunno yet. Do review, and thanks for reading!