THE RETURN: After millions of years….or perhaps only seconds…..the fourth installment of The Master Garage Opener hath cometh!
I vaguely remember Chrislea asking to see Mario and Luigi in this story….thus….THE NEW CHAPTER!
Chapter the Fourth: Luigi's Mansion….has a garage.
After Gollum had made his escape, the gang decided to wander around in search of someone who could explain this "garage opener" to them, and who would not harass them or sell them on ebay.
Several narrowly avoided car accidents later most of them had added a new phrase to their vocabulary: Pedestrian Crossing.
"It's like a jungle!" Aragorn declared. "Anyone who isn't within the magical protective barriers formed by this pattern of white lines on the ground will be KILLED!"
"And the yellow signs!" Marth added, he and Aragorn having become fellow idiots-in-arms. "They herald the coming of the white lines!"
Suddenly, they came upon a slightly creepy looking neighborhood. One house is particular seemed to be generating the creepiness, complete with dead trees, greenish fog, and personal storm cloud. Ok, so it was REALLY creepy.
Now, any NORMAL people would have continued walking, but as we all know, our wonderous band of NOT normal people were quite obviously NOT NORMAL.
"Hey, look at this creepy house," Merry pointed cheerfully, since Merry can never be anything BUT happy, given his name.
The group turned in unison to stare at the creepy house. Of doom.
After a moment's pause, they all heard a peculiar sound.
"Mario….? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrriioooo?" said the mysterious sound/voice.
Everyone jumped.
"What the heck was that!" Link demanded, looking around in a rather paranoid fashion.
"I don't see anybody," Marth remarked calmly. "And neither does Falchion," he added as an afterthought. As if anyone had thought about Falchion. Which may be why it's called an "after" thought, because after everybody thought, Falchion showed up.
"This place….'tis haunted," remarked Falchion, now in FLOATING GHOST/SPIRIT/NOTEBOOK form.
Everyone paused.
"HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!" Everyone hawed. "EVERYONE KNOWS THAT GHOSTS DON'T EXIST!"
"SHUT UP EVERYONE!" yelled the mismatched group of fictitious characters.
"You know that by saying that you've TOTALLY jinxed us all!" Aragorn shouted.
Everyone looked abashed.
"Stupid Everyone," Roy said in annoyance, "he's almost as bad is No One."
"Not as bad is Someone!" Marth declared.
Feeling sorry for himself Everyone went away.
"GOOD RIDANCE!" shouted the group.
All of the shouting seemed to have attracted the attention of several spooooky shadows coming from the creepy-and-a-half house.
"AAHHHHHHHHHH!" shouted everyone (not to be confused with Everyone) as the scary neon ghost things floated ominously towards them in stereotypical creepy ghost fashion.
A few meters in front of the now paralyzed group, which had suddenly developed the Scooby-Doo syndrome of "let's not run until they're right on top of us," the ghosts suddenly began flailing around and were pulled back in a vacuum-type effect.
"Hurrah!" cheered the group.
"What was that?" Frodo asked, having been conspicuously silent for some time, and not because the author forgot he was there.
"It appears to be a blob of some sort," remarked Pippen, who had also been conspicuously silent throughout the entire story.
While everyone thought about the enlightening remark uttered by Pippen, which really wasn't the LEAST enlightening remark ever uttered by anyone in the group, given the fact that Aragorn, Legolas, Marth, and several others happened to belong to it, the author forgot the point to the sentence and decided to start a new one.
Out of the shadows came a small, indeed blobbish, shape.
The group simultaneously leaned slightly closer, as if this would provide a better view.
Suddenly, a path of fog cleared, and the gang was confronted with the most blobbish blob that ever blobbed!
"HIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Kirby enthused, waving his blobbish little arms.
Link heaved a sigh of relief, "You really had us for a second there, Kirby."
Kirby grinned in a Kirbyish fashion and rolled around in front of the gate of the deserted house.
"So what are you doing here anyway?" Roy asked, feeling the extreme urge to poke the little blob.
"Foraging!" Kirby announced cheerfully.
"Foraging for what?" Zelda asked.
"Probably for money!" Link interjected, glaring pointedly at Zelda. "Maybe in Kirby-land they don't PAY him enough for doing, uh, whatever it is he does and he needs MONEY in order to sustain his enormous Kirby appetite. And his horse! And the new weapons and ammo he needs to buy! AND NEW TUNICS!"
"Link, Kirby doesn't wear tunics. Nor does he have a horse, or use weapons," Marth reminded him.
"Yeah, only REAL men wear tunics!" Roy chimed in, striking a Royish pose. Suddenly he noticed Legolas skipping merrily about the creepy yard of the house, which apparently was starting to lose its creepiness. "Except him," he added, "I don't know who gave HIM a tunic, but he obviously doesn't deserve one."
"I know! We'll start a BROTHERHOOD OF THE TUNICS!" Marth declared. "Now! For the pointless initiation task!" He looked around. "LET US BURN AND PILLAGE HIS MANSION!"
"An excellent plan!" Aragorn declared, having somehow decided that he would obviously belong to this Brotherhood. As if there weren't enough cults with the Legolas Fanclub, The Fellowship, and The Various Other Cults Of Which We Shall Not Mention In the Interest Of Saving Time and Space.
"LET'S GO!" shouted Marth and Aragorn, running happily into the Mansion Of Impending Doom.
Everyone else (not related to Everyone) stared after them.
"Maybe we should NOT go in there," suggested Merry.
"That would be wise," agreed Gandalf in a Dumbledore fashion.
"You're a bunch of WIMPS!" Roy declared.
"Nobody says that," Link informed him. For once Zelda was forced to admire Link's relatively mature statement. Until he added, "At least nobody COOL."
Zelda sighed.
Against the better judgment of everyone intelligent (numbering less than 3) the group decided to follow Marth and Aragorn, apparently now part of the Brotherhood of Tunics, into the mansion.
After the prerequisite scary swinging doors, flashes of lightning illuminating various cobwebby light structures, and howling wolves, the group proceeded into the lobby. Yes, the mansion had a lobby. It would have been bad form to scare visitors to death BEFORE properly inviting them in for tea.
"Where are Marth and Aragorn?" Pippen piped up.
After a moment's thought Link responded, "We'll follow the sound of pillaging and burning!"
Everyone (but not EVERYONE!) paused to listen.
Suddenly! A frightening figure in green jumped out from behind a curtain.
"WAUGHH!" screamed everyone (but NOT Everyone).
The figure brandished a vacuum at the visitors, but before he could do any damage Aragorn appeared.
"DEATH TO CLEANLINESS!" Aragorn roared whilst hacking the vacuum to pieces.
"WhOa!" the figure with the vacuum whOaed.
"Hey!" said Roy out of nowhere, "it's Luigi!"
Luigi, having been identified, stepped into view in a dramatic manner.
"I'm da FISH!" he announced.
"Wot?" Link asked in a semi-British manner.
"He's OBVIOUSLY telling us that he is a fish," Legolas announced while the rest of The Fellowship milled around in the background trying to get camera time.
"That makes a much sense as Captain Falcon," Roy commented. "He's always demanding I show him a moose. I don't know if that's creepy euphemism or he just really likes mooses."
"Firstly, moose plural is just 'moose'," Zelda began. "Secondly, he's saying 'show me your moves'. Thirdly, Luigi is saying 'I'm the best'."
"No, it really sounds like fish to me," Samwise Gamgee stated. "Trust me, I know food." He (Samwise) proceeded to surreptitiously hand the author money for allowing him to be mentioned in the story.
"Ho meh marf," Luigi Luigied.
Everyone (hehehe) stared.
"I'd forgotten Luigi couldn't speak coherently," Zelda commented.
"This is a problem!" declared Gandalf after beating several members of The Fellowship in order to be the one who said this. "I know! I shall cast a SPELL! For I AM A WIZARD!"
"Good idea!" chimed The Fellowship in unison.
Gandalf concentrated, "Eyyemoyyyeyrdmakethisfoolspeakenglishyyyeshrdyyed!" he intoned.
"What'd he say?" whispered Merry.
"I dunno," Frodo responded. "It was in elvish. Why don't we ask Legolas?"
The Fellowship stared at him.
Frodo looked somewhat uneasily at the staring group of Middle Earthians. "He HAS to know SOME elvish," Frodo pointed out, "because he's an ELF!"
Unable to deny the overpowering logic of that statement, The Fellowship turned to Legolas, who was combing his hair.
"What?" Legolas demanded.
"What did Gandalf say?" Pippen asked.
Legolas shrugged, "His accent is really bad. I couldn't understand him."
Gandalf glared, "Weryyydyyyouareafoolyyeedyyyfyddfyy," he informed Legolas.
"What? Sorry I can't understand you," Legolas said obliviously.
"fyyydwryyyWHATISWRONGWITHYOUyydddffyyyewfyyssyyffdd!" Gandalf shouted.
Suddenly, to break the cycle of elvish, Luigi spoke up.
"I do say, what is the matter with all of you?" he asked in a mad crazy British accent.
"AH! LUIGI SPEAKS ENGLISH!" Marth yelled. "IT'S SORCERY! SORCERY!"
Everyone ignored him.
"Well," Luigi began, "I'm searching for my dearest brother, Mario. Have you, perchance, seen him?"
"Nope," responded Roy.
"Maybe he was abducted by ghosts," suggested Link.
"Ho ho ho! You're a jolly chap, I do say!" Luigi chortled in a ridiculously stereotypical British manner.
Suddenly again a ghost ghosted around the corner.
"WAHH!" everybody screamed.
"HUNGRY!" Kirby chirped, popping up from under the floorboards.
"AHH!" everyone continued screaming.
"GHOST!" The ghost ghosted.
"CHOMP!" chomped Kirby.
"YAY!" everyone rejoiced!
Kirby burped and spit out a red blob. Wait, it was MARIO!
"WhOa!" Mario whOaed because it seems to be genetic. He stood up and pronounced in the stereotypical Italian accent that comes from the fact that the Japanese decided to make a crazy Italian plumber the star of a video game, "It's-a me-a MARIO!"
"I guess Mario's English is better than Luigi's," no one in particular commented.
"Mario!" Luigi exclaimed, "where have you BEEN!"
"I-a was-a abducted-a by-a ghosts-a!" Mario blatantly wasted a's.
"Oh, is that all?" Luigi sighed. At least he wasn't trying to teach Trig again.
"So…can we leave now?" Pippen asked.
"I suppose so," Aragorn said disappointedly, "I was really starting to like the place. There's such a nice layer of grime covering everything."
"Wait! The Garage Opener!" Link suddenly remembered.
"Did we KNOW it was a garage opener?" Roy asked.
"Well, we do now…" Marth added to complete the Tunic Wearing Trio.
Luigi blinked, "Well, seeing as how I didn't beat the game and my vacuum cleaner is broken… I won a stupid little tent. There's no garage."
"OH WELL!" Legolas chirped happily. "Let's go find a place with MIRRORS!"
Having nothing better to do and glad to have an excuse to escape the crazy house of doom the group left.
"Hey," remarked Roy as the house faded into the distance, "d'you remember when Mario tried to teach Java?"
"HAHAHAHA!" The super smash gang laughed so hard it ran into a wall.
"What's Java?" Samwise asked. "Can we eat it?"
"It's a computer language," Zelda explained.
"Like elvish? For computers?" asked Merry.
"Actually, I think it's stupider," Link said.
"What's a computer?" asked Pippen.
"It's a glowy box of doom," Marth explained.
Suddenly a group of people wearing strange uniforms ran up to the group of strange mismatched fictitious characters.
"Halt! You know of The Java!" one of the uniformed people shouted.
"We must take them to the MASTER!" uniformed person number 2 declared.
The random uniformed people converged upon the non uniformed people. What will happen to our random crew of random people! WHO IS THE MASTER! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME! Thus ends this spectacular episode of THE MASTER GARAGE OPENER! Send ideas via reviews for the NEXT EXCITING EPISODE! YAY!