Ch.1 Beginning Reflection

Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue. All is good.

Blood dripped from his hands. He was covered in it, but it wasn't his own. He was unharmed, but ahead of him he saw the shadowed figure that lay dying in a crimson pool. He rushed to help, but when he knelt next to the faceless body he found he couldn't touch it. He needed to help him. He felt fear…fear of being helpless…fear of having yet another's blood on his hands…fear of being responsible for the loss of another's life. He wanted it to stop, he wanted to help, but he could do nothing. He heard the heartbeat in his ears and listened as it faded and finally stopped. An anguished howl escaped his lips as a voice from within repeated the words "Your fault. Your fault. YOUR FAULT!"

Heero jerked awake and sat up, putting a hand to his pounding head. His body was covered in sweat and his mouth was dry. Without thinking he pushed the rumpled covers from his body and got up, heading to the kitchen of his small apartment. He didn't bother to turn on any lights as he navigated his way through his living space. Years of training had demanded that he memorize the exact layout of his quarters, thus eliminating the need for light. He knew exactly where the cupboard he needed was, as well as the glass and the exact distance he needed to move to get to the sink and turn on the faucet.

After a long drink he put the cup in the sink and turned towards his bed, but the night sky just outside his apartment caught his attention and he opted to get a breath of fresh air on his small balcony. The cold iron bars felt good against his still flushed skin as he leaned against the railing and looked up at the star filled sky. It was the first clear sky Heero had seen in two weeks. Work and winter storms had prevented him from gazing at the sky where he had been born, the space that had been his home in his childhood.

Hn. Home. Childhood. Two things I've never had, he grunted in his mind. Not for the first time in his life, Heero Yuy dwelt on these thoughts, particularly on the one involving home. The lack of a childhood he could deal with, but a home? During the war he hadn't concerned himself with such a thought, mostly because he never expected to live through it. But now he found himself struggling with the idea. He lived in his apartment on Earth, but was it home? He never could be sure. He'd often heard that home was defined by a place where you were happy, where you had friends and family. It was a place the heart was attached to and was at ease.

Heero looked back into his Spartan apartment and shook his head. He had friends, albeit their relationship was an odd one. Happiness was a concept he was still trying to grasp, so that wasn't there. His heart? That was another enigma he had yet to figure out. Family? Heero always came up short in this department. He knew for a fact that he had no blood relatives left. Not that he would know what to do with them if they had survived and he had found them.

Family. Home. Heero shook his head in an effort to rid himself of such thoughts. All they ever did was leave an aching center in his chest that seemed to only grow with time. And the more it grew, the deeper his brooding went and the more he kept the people around him at a distance. I don't need this, he thought angrily.

Yes, you do, a voice somewhere in the back of his mind whispered.

As he always did, he ignored the voice and the aching and headed back to his room. However, as he stood and stared at his empty bed the aching in his chest refused to go away. With a frustrated grunt he sat on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands. Usually he could deal with these feelings, but tonight it seemed they were persistent.

Probably because she's not here, came a stray thought.

It was a fact that he couldn't truly deny. A fact that had frightened and confused him for the past few months. Relena. She was the one person who could get to him, who could seemingly see past the barriers he put up. He had resisted her friendship for years, but last winter he had slowly begun to let her into his life. He was never really sure why, but he felt secure around her. She offered him the comfort he had craved for most of his life, though he never really let her know it. He never really let her know anything, which was partially why he was alone tonight. He had gone on the defense again during an argument and had shut down emotionally, thus shutting her out. He hadn't wanted to push her away, but something always made him do it. He wanted to take his own advice and act on his emotions, but he never could make himself do it. And Heero Yuy, the world's Perfect Soldier, hated himself for it.

He hadn't seen or spoken to her in days, though he knew exactly where she was. She was at her family's estate where she lived with her brother and sister-in-law. She had mentioned something about wanting to help finish the nursery for the soon to arrive addition to the Peacecraft legacy as her excuse to not see him. Heero couldn't help but smile a little at the recollection of Relena's excitement over the prospect of being an aunt. The nearer the date came the brighter her smile was every time she talked about the unborn child.

Her smile…

That image coupled with the empty space on his bed brought him crashing back to reality. The memory of his nightmare flashed across his mind and he decided that sleep was not an appealing prospect. Instead he went to his dresser and took out a pair of pants and the tan button down shirt that was part of his uniform and began to dress.

It was the fifth time in two weeks that he would be three hours early for his shift.

A/N: I like reviews. They let me know I still exist.