Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not a sausage. So please, do not sue. I am very poor and cannot afford any defence. Take mercy on me, bitte? Danke Schon.
(A/N: Here's part two. I hope I didn't piss you off too much with the second cliffhanger, I promise this will make up for that. However, I might as well warn you that this chapter does contain Shinji angst-ing and (Surprise, surprise) crying. So if you're allergic to the young Ikari's whining and unstable emotions then you might want to skip the middle and read the last paragraph or so, better yet wait for the last chapter and grin your head off at all the happiness. You have been warned… meow)
Now How Did I End Up Here?
By The Redundant Goddess…However on opening the door, I didn't notice any mass of wet red hair or a set of feral blue eyes glaring at me for all they were worth. Instead my eyes flew open as wide as they could go, trying to register what I was seeing in front of me.
A massive flash tore through the sky almost blinding me. I blinked and rubbed my eyes. No it couldn't be. It was impossible! And yet…
It was him! It was Kaworu!
"Good evening Shinji Ikari." He said with that smile I remembered so well.
Thunder rang through the apartment complex as I stood and stared with utter amazement. He was back…
-X Why? Part two –X-
At that moment, there were so many things I wanted to say to him. So many emotions I wanted to convey. Hell, I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or hug him so much that I'd kill him again! However, the only thing I could do was meekly point out something obvious.
"Kaworu, you're… wet!"
He looked at his drenched clothes and touched his sopping wet hair.
"So I am." He stated matter-of-factly. "May I come in and dry off?"
I was still gawping, I knew it, but I snapped out of it fast enough and wrenched him inside with all the strength I could muster. As I caught his arm and pulled him in, the feeling of his wet skin in my grasp made me shudder. It was hard not to think of the last time I held him, when he was in my hands and… I shook my head and looked at him.
Those eyes, those warm red eyes. They hadn't changed a bit. They were still the smiling, ever confident eyes that had made me feel so welcomed, so wanted, back when I was so shattered, confused and lonely. I felt slightly woozy just glancing at them, so warm, so comforting so… God, it was just like the first time when we met on the beach. I often dreamed about that first meeting, actually I often dreamed about a lot of things to do with Kaworu. I blushed at the thought and I was still gazing into his eyes when I felt him shiver.
Now why did I have to remember those dreams now?
I realised I still had my hand clamped on to his wet arm and let go, my face now red with embarrassment. I didn't know how long I had been starring at him, but I had obviously freaked him out. Why else would he have shuddered like that? Yet, as I continued to study him I noticed my hand was cold and wet.
If I had, had a gun at that moment, I would have shot myself in the head.
Poor Kaworu! The guy must be freezing to death and here I am going all woozy and wobbly! The guy must think I am a total idiot, not too mention a poor host!
Without another thought I grabbed a candle from the table, gave it to him and ushered the soaking wet boy into the bathroom. From there I bolted to my room, I searched high and low for some clean clothes that would fit. As I found my way back to the bathroom with a pile of clean-ish clothes I could see Kaworu's head poking out the door with a bemused, but puzzled look on his face.
I would have blushed, in fact I probably did, but I was too busy thrusting my heap of clothes into his shivering arms to care. I was shaking too, I knew it; So much so some of the clothes tried to give him fell on the floor. I felt sick and nervous and… damn I wish I knew! I dared to make eye contact and he was still smiling at me, if a little confused. My heart nearly stopped.
"Here," I somehow managed to croak out. " Get yourself dry and put these on. Once you're done I'll be in the kitchen making you some hot tea. Get going now, I don't want you to catch a cold!"
For some reason, I found myself sounding and feeling like an angry housewife. I guessed that had something to do with my role in the Katsuragi house hold. I felt like an idiot, but all Kaworu did was nod, smile and shut the door. I was still shaking when I entered the kitchen. I felt like I was going to explode. I opened up four different cupboards in search of some tea that only that day I had bought. I nearly dropped the kettle three times when I was trying to fill it up and it took me a further minute or so to figure out the stove wasn't going to light due to the power cut.
Needless to say I wasn't thinking straight.
You know in some places making tea is supposed to be a tool for meditation and as I finally lit the emergency camping stove and placed the kettle on it, I started to organise my thoughts. Well, at least I tried to. My heart was pounding so loud that I could barely hear the kettle boil let alone the rumbles of the storm outside. I tried to breathe. In my head, all I could see was Kaworu's dazzling red eyes and heap load of questions that needed to be answered. I was beyond confused. I was beyond understanding, but most of all I was beyond happiness.
"Is the tea ready?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard his soft voice behind me. I span round to see him, standing in the doorway in my old blue T-shirt and baggy black shorts. His hair was done up in a towel and he had a very bashful look on his soft face. It was funny to see him so be-fuddled in strange clothing, but at the same time I couldn't help but enjoy the sight. Wait, since when was Kaworu bashful? I nodded and with tea in hand lead the way into the lounge.
I handed the red-eyed boy his tea as we sat down together on the couch, I placed myself at the far end. I wanted to sit closer, but… it was too strange. We sat in silence and listened to the storm rage on outside. We just sat and drank our tea, not saying a word… not one.
I kept sneaking glances at him, just to make sure he was really there. That this wasn't just another dream of mine. I would have touched him, but just the thought of more physical contact made me squirm, not that it was a bad feeling. It was just weird… I did this the whole time while we were silent. Not once did he look back at me, I guessed this was weird for him too. Kaworu was here. Sitting on my couch, drinking my tea and wearing my clothes.
You know earlier on I said I was about to explode? Well at that precise moment, I could have initiated fourth impact.
Soon Kaworu had finished his tea and had set his mug on the floor. Then, much to my adoration, the angel began to dry his silvery hair. Shaking it, messing it up and roughing it up with that towel. I let a sly smile creep across my lips as I gazed at these very ordinary, yet very bizarre actions. Finally when he was satisfied his hair was tussled enough, Kaworu let the towel slip from his long pale fingers onto the floor and then turned to look at me, his eyes, bright and alive as ever, smiling straight into mine.
I blushed and turned my head away and let my body fall back into the sofa. God, this was difficult. All at once, all those things I wanted to know, what I wanted to ask suddenly flooded into my mind. I didn't know where to start? It was just all so much; my heart felt like it was going to rip right through my rib cage! The pressure in my body shot up and finally I felt my lips move, but before I could make any sound, Kaworu beat me to it.
"What is it that you wanted to ask me Shinji?" He inquired slow and steady; I could feel those deep red eyes on me. "Would you like me to start by saying how am I here? Would that help you Shinji?"
I let out a long and staggered breath and nodded whole-heartedly. This was the reason why he and I had got on so well, why we had gotten so close. He knew what I was thinking before I did. I guess that's just his special gift. I let my blue eyes turn to look at him briefly before stuttering out a reply.
"Yes, yes that would help. Kaworu how… why?"
He nodded and ran a hand through his hair.
"I am here, because I am here. That is all I can say." He gave me an apologetic look. "However, my theory is that during the events of third impact, when Humanity was given the choice, I too was also offered the choice. The choice of returning to a separate form, to live again and I accepted."
My mind, although completely confused at this point, tried to make sense of what Kaworu had just said. But to be honest, I only understood half of it. Unfortunately what I did understand left me with another question. I frowned.
"Since Third Impact? Kaworu how long have you…"
"Been here? Not long, I think. All I remember is that I woke up in Terminal Dogma, in a pool of LCL. After that Dr Akagi picked me up and has been looking after me ever since. That was about a three months ago."
Three months? He's been back Three months! Why didn't I know about this? What the hell happened, what's Ritusko got to do with this? A wave of heat flew through my body and I felt my back stiffen. That hurt. Hurt because Kaworu had been here three whole months and I hadn't known about it. Hurt, that he hadn't come to me sooner. I know that's selfish and wrong, but I couldn't help it! My frown deepened slightly before the he continued.
"I would have visited you sooner, if I could've." He said with a real feeling of regret in his tone that made me soften. " Truly, you were the first thing on my mind. However, Dr Akagi decided it was best to let my awakening be handled with the utmost care and secrecy… for obvious reasons…"
I nodded and understood what he meant and let the next question roll out of my mouth.
"So, does that mean… I mean… are you still an angel?"
There was a small brief, pregnant silence before the silver haired boy closed his eyes and sighed deeply. The kind of sigh that tells someone that this is tough for the person trying to explain, but wants to answer any way.
"I…" Kaworu whispered gently. "…Since the angels have gone, since Rei and I are the only ones left. I don't think I am a threat to the world. At least that's what Dr Akagi told us. And even if I am in part, what humanity has feared, I am also human. Like the Doctor, like the Major, like… you."
I tried to understand all of that, but yet again my brain wasn't responding. All I knew was that little speech had meant: "No, Shinji I am not an Angel and I don't want to blow up the world." And that was all I needed. A nervous smile crossed my lips as I rubbed my arms, letting my short nails drag against my goose-pimpled flesh. I looked deep into those rose red eyes and they smiled right back at me.
The brief happiness of knowing he was alive had begun to evaporate and was being rapidly replaced by guilt. With every glance, with every smile and with every answer I knew it was coming. My body could feel it. Every time I glanced at him I could see his face, those eyes, just as they had been when… when I… I tried to hold on, I really did! I didn't want to cry in front of him; I didn't want to break down. However my body, my mind and my heart just wouldn't let me rest. Guilty! So many emotions were unleashed just by his smile. That same smile he wore when I…
"Shinji?"
God, I was pathetic! The guy whom you were so close to, so warm to comes back into your life after you killed him and what do you do Shinji? You blow it by letting your emotions get the better of you! I kept chiding myself, but it was no use. All those memories, feelings and screams… It was if I was back in that entry plug looking at the smiling remains of the only person who ever truly understood me.
"Shinji?"
The person I…
"Shinji? Shinji what's wrong?"
… I…
"Shinji, Please… answer me?"
…Murdered.
My whole body shook as I pulled my legs up to my chest. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes, desperately trying to fall. I could barely breath, my guilt and shame pouring into my lungs, drowning me.
"How?" I choked, the guilt-ridden lump in my throat made it hard to even swallow let alone talk. "How can you say, you're like me? How can you say that Kaworu…"
My red-eyed guest tried to speak, but I overruled him. I cried out, finally letting the first tears fall as I spun my eyes to his.
"I killed you Kaworu! I killed! I didn't want too… But I did. I held you in my hands. I could feel everything Kaworu! I could feel your body in my hand, I felt it break and fall cold! I felt you die. In my hand… by my hand Kaworu! I MURDERED YOU!"
That's when I broke. I stifled a cry, but only just. My body racked with sobs as wept selfishly. I couldn't help it! Really, I couldn't! I wished I could have stopped, I tried so hard, but every time I tried I just got worse. I felt so cold, so pathetic and so utterly guilty.
"Please," I begged over and over again. "Please, forgive me…"
I heard him let a sad heart-breaking sigh before I felt his warm arms wrap around me. Those warm, real arms of a boy. Who had both filled me with happiness and absolute shame? Even in my emotionally unbalanced state I felt torn between shrugging him off, not wanting to touch my tainted, weak flesh, or crush him to me and never let go. So I let him hold me… I know, I really am sick, but what would you do?
He held me, lightly yet firm, with his faces in my scruffy dark hair, whispering soothing words sighing that soft, gentle, caring sigh of his. Slowly but surely, doing his best to calm my sorry self down. I felt Kaworu shake his head and, although I was too messed up at that point to really notice, place a short kiss on my forehead before stroking a strong hand against my back.
"My poor Shinji Ikari, there is nothing to forgive. Truly there isn't." I could hear his soft voice through my lessened sobs. " You did as I asked, you gave me what I desired. Maybe if you hadn't completed my request, then perhaps there would be something to forgive. Yet you did comply and the world continued. Us being here, right now, are proof of that."
I sniffed and slowly gained control of my breathing, taking in Kaworu's kind words and warmth. He pulled back slightly, letting me breathe.
"You did as I asked and for that I truly thankful. If anything it is I who should be begging you for forgiveness, Mr Ikari, it was a terrible thing to ask for. I, who had spoke of empathy for you one minute, then trying to destroy humanity the next. Truly I did betray your trust and for that I am so utterly sorry…"
You know it's funny how things turn out? One minute I am in tears, pleading with someone to forgive me, and the next that someone gets slightly depressed and starts apologising.
I managed to look up at that point, my puffy, blood shot eyes gazed at his sad expression. I shook my head violently and reached out and touched his shoulder, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
"Kaworu, I… This wasn't your fault. You did what you had to do. It's not like you planned this…"
He gave me a genuine smile and nodded.
"Indeed, just as you did. We both did what we had to at the time, though neither of us wanted to."
This time I truly understood what Kaworu said and smiled, feeling the guilt slowly drip away and happiness drift back. He smiled back and lent against me, his hand still rubbing along my spine.
"Lets just say that whole incident was a draw. We're both sorry and both forgiven and it should never happen again." Kaworu offered in his usual cheery voice.
"Agreed"
Was all I could say, I was just happy because A) I had stopped crying, B) the storm outside had stopped and C) Kaworu forgave me.
For some reason, why I have no idea, I started to laugh. Not very loud, but I did. I felt Kaworu give me an odd look, but I didn't care. Hell, why should I? I just soaked his shirt with my snot and tears for Gods sake! You think a little bit of random laughter would make me self-conscious? I guess I was just relieved. After all this time I had beaten myself up about what had happened. It had haunted so much, that now… it just seemed silly. I know that's odd, but that's how I felt.
We sat there like that for a while. I don't know how long, but we did. I knew it was late and after that whole emotional thing, I was feeling pretty tired. I think Kaworu started talking again, what about I wasn't really sure, and I answered the best I could. Just randomly chatting until finally I shut my eyes, feeling warm and content with someone who meant the world, beside me and fell asleep.
T.B.C…
(A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long, I have nearly finished my first year at Uni and I've been trying to get everything finished off. sighs Still I hope it was worth the wait. Next chapter… THE KISS! So get ready for some serious fluff. Thanks again R.G. xxx)