You think I murdered him...but I didn't. I didn't want to. He told me to, I asked to be let out of our deal but he wouldn't grant my request. I've never felt such pain...that's a lie.
I was always alone as a young boy, I never had any friends. I knew I was a wizard, my mother was a witch herself...my father, my filthy father, was a muggle. He was abusive, he was never any good...not for a father, not for a husband. I didn't want to be vulnerable anymore, never again did I want to cower before someone. I delved into the Dark Arts and learned as much as I could, along the way, picking up Potions rather easily as well. I created spells, made shortcuts for potions I knew were made more complicated than they had to be. I had found my specialty, I had found my strength.
James Potter...the name brings back memories, terrible ones. He and Sirius Black turned my own spells against me. They used what I had worked on so hard for my own protection against me...how dare they. How dare they treat me that way...no one ever cared. I had no one to turn to. All of them, all four of them, took delight in my pain, never caring to think if it was only external, physical pain...never thought I might have been emotionally scarred. But that's how it is, isn't it? They never care, the ones that draw pleasure from pain.
They humiliated me but what was worse were those moments. Those moments when I allowed myself to think on my life too much. I'd never cry, never again...I was too old for that now, I wasn't a small child anymore. The pain though...was excruciating. I'd realize that my mother, a witch, wasn't strong enough to fight back even though she had the power. My father never cared about me, not after finding out that she was a witch. I had practically no home life and just when I thought I had found somewhere to escape to, things got worse. I didn't fit in at home or at school...didn't anyone want me?
Lucius Malfoy and his friends gave me what I wanted to an extent. They took me in and used my abilities. I, at least, had somewhere to go. They, however, couldn't stop the torture, the pain...it was still there. I was never fully sure of whether becoming a Death Eater was right. I did it with my father in mind. He was a muggle, wouldn't it be fitting if I joined the side of those fighting to eliminate muggles? They can't be good, my father wasn't...
I was on a mission that night, one I gave myself. I wanted to find out what was going on with the Order, what they were doing...I had to serve my master. I got lucky or at least I thought I had. I overheard Albus Dumbledore, my old headmaster, giving a woman an interview. She, apparently, wanted a teaching position. Upon listening to their discussion even more, I learned she wanted a position as Divination teacher. I never had any respect for that branch of magic. It was always uncertain and had practically no power. It was just people taking stabs in the dark at what the future might hold...I didn't know I was about to hear something that would change the course of the future and wreck the lives of two innocent people...three innocent people...I didn't know what it meant really. I understood that the one to vanquish the Dark Lord would soon be born but I did not know the full impact of it...I didn't know who it would be...didn't know it would set off a chain of events that would end me up where I am now. I was spotted before I could hear the whole prophecy and was thrown out but that was no matter, I had heard enough...or so I thought.
I told the Dark Lord of the prophecy, proud of myself for finding out what the others couldn't. He left to take care of the prophecy, to ensure his life by killing the baby that would eventually destroy him. I was left behind but what did I care? I had given him what no one else had, I was sure I'd be rewarded. I regret ever telling him...I later learned that it was James and Lily Potter that he had targeted, it was their son he had set off to kill. They were both dead but the child wasn't. What had happened that night wasn't clear...I only knew the Dark Lord did not return.
I wanted out. I may have hated James but he saved my life...after endangering it in the first place, yes, but Lily had never done anything to me. She was kind...but I was too angry, too guarded, to accept her kindness. No matter what, what happened that night felt wrong. I fled the Death Eaters quietly and went to the only man I felt I could trust- Albus Dumbledore. I successfully convinced Dumbledore of my regret and wish to be good and was welcomed into the school with open arms. He not only gave me a job but protected me from execution when the Ministry actually caught up with the remaining Death Eaters. I owed this man my life...but was forced to take his.
I applied for the job of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher but was turned down. I know why...he thought I'd be tempted to return to my old ways. I was irritated by this at first but held my tongue. I couldn't argue, he had just saved my life...what more could I ask of him?
And then there is Harry...James's son. He came along and was just as popular as his father. He never earned the popularity, had nothing special about him...Year after year he'd get into trouble, doing things most students would get expelled for only coming out of it all with either a detention or a reward, never what he deserved in my eyes. Time and time again I'd belittle him and his attempts at creating a potion that even resembled what he was to be aiming for. No matter how he'd mess up, he remained just as popular, just as famous...He wasn't terrible but he wasn't special, where he had gotten that title was clear...the attack and only the attack was responsible for that. The attack I had helped to cause in the first place...
And now here I am, in hiding having just murdered Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of our time...I can't go back to the school, can't go back to my house...I must keep on the move, planning for my return to the Order. I can't go tell Lupin, McGonagall, Arthur, none of them. They wouldn't believe me...oddly enough, I find my only hope is actually...the boy. He isn't powerful enough just yet to take me down. I can prevent him from causing me harm but from there...can I convince him of my innocence? He's my only way back in...
These are only my thoughts...I don't speak them, I never will. You don't know me but you think you do...
This is my first Harry Potter fanfic and only my second (Well, third really, I just haven't posted the other one yet since I have another one going and have yet to finish either.) overall. Snape is my favorite character in the series, right up there with Sirius, so I decided to write something about him. I was sitting here, thinking of where I wanted to take my other fanfic and talking to others about the Harry Potter books when it hit me that I wanted to try this out...Please read and review to let me know how I did. It only takes a few seconds to review. -Smiles-