The song is called 'Breathing' and is by Lifehouse. Bosco's POV. Sorry for it's crappiness! Again rated for swearing. R if you're easily offended.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
And take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
It's been a while now since I've seen her. I took a few weeks off, told Lieu I didn't think I was ready to be back. He was only happy to give me the time off. I saw them look at me as I packed up. It was like I was in the wrong. But the hell I was. It's her fault. It's all her fault. And screw anyone else who thinks otherwise.
I have been thinking a lot since I took the time off. Hell I was thinking a lot before that anyway. My life seems so fucked up now. Before it was well…fucked up…but not like this. At least a few aspects made sense. Like my job, my friends, Faith…now it's all gone. I can't do my job properly, Faith and I haven't spoken in ages and I'm pretty sure I've lost whatever friends I had. I guess in many ways I blame her for all of it. I can't help it. It's what I do. Shift the blame onto someone else. She just happened to be my scapegoat this time.
Now I find myself alone again, awake at 3am in my apartment, looking out my window down onto the streets of New York. My eyes glance from one apartment block to the other. Lights left on and blinds pulled means I have a perfect view of people as they carry out everyday tasks in their homes. It seems quite pervy to be sitting watching people in the dark, especially one certain young woman who insists on changing with the curtains open. But what she doesn't know can't hurt her, and if I'm honest I'm not all that interested tonight. My eyes move to another apartment, where a father struggles to keep up with his three children, all of whom look under the age of eight. They've obviously woken him; from here he looks like the walking dead in his boxers and t-shirt, constantly rubbing his face with his hands. I smile as one of his kids hits his leg while the other grabs his wallet. They both run like and hell, and he looks pissed as the baby in his arms begins to sob. Happy families as usual.
Everyone seems busy in their own worlds, none with any clue someone has invaded that world, watching their every movement, being entertained by their lives. This must be how God feels. And for a second I feel a little arrogant in the knowledge that I can watch them. That they don't know. But quickly I go back to feeling like a spy and, a voyeur, in some particular cases. I glance back to her. She wanders around her bedroom topless, phone pressed to her ear. She stops at a mirror and checks herself out, turning to look at her perfectly formed ass. She smiles, pleased with what she sees and makes her way over to the window pulling down the blinds. Ah well. I knew it couldn't last forever. I sit back in my recliner chair and sigh, clenching my eyes shut. I'm so tired. So tired that I can't even find the energy to sleep. I run a hand over my face in an attempt to rub away the fatigue and yawn.
I can't stop thinking about Faith, about Ma, about Mikey, about Mann. It all revolves in my head. All the past few months keep playing over and over. And I can't stop it. It's like the involuntary movement of my heartbeat – I can't control it. And I'm starting to hear voices. Mainly my own but sometimes Faith or Mikey. I talk to them like their here with me. Anyone would think I'd flipped. I think I've flipped. Sitting in the darkness of my flat, hearing voices? Jesus Christ I need to be locked away in a fucking padded cell.
I think back to the locker rooms at the end of each day, back when things seemed a lot simpler. I remember watching people back then too. But it was mostly Faith that caught my eye. And it was mostly when she was undressing. Again I know…perverted, but hey that's who I am. Maurice Boscorelli who watches his friend and partner undress to get some sort of sick sexual kick out of it. Jesus – maybe I've always been fucking mad. I'd pretend to be busy at my own locker while she went to hers. It was then I'd watch. She'd take off her jacket first tossing it inside her locker while simultaneously pulling out a shirt. Then, she'd unbutton her work shirt, revealing her white vest, which clung to her body rather attractively in my opinion. She always complained about her figure, saying she needed to lose a few pounds. I think she was just fishing for compliments.
"Want a fry?" I offer her holding out the box. She wrinkles her nose, disgusted by my offer. We both sit alone in the squad car, eating lunch.
"No, I can't," she mumbles taking another bite out of her apple. I frown.
"Why not?"
"I'm on a diet," she informs me, blushing slightly.
"Why?" I ask, confused.
"I need to lose a bit of extra weight, I'm outta shape," she explains gazing out the front window. I let out a noise and she turns to me.
"You're not outta shape!" I snort, "You look fine. You've always looked fine."
She smiles. "Well thank you but that's not enough. Have you seen these new kids coming out nowadays? Britney or Christina and the likes. They're perfect. No wonder Fred watches MTV as much as he does…"
"Come on Yokas!" I laugh, "You know they suffer to get to that weight. Besides they're not all that attractive."
She raises her eyebrows. "Sure…you can't tell me you're not one way attracted to either of those girls?"
I can't lie. They are friggin' gorgeous. "Exactly," she says sighing a little.
"You look fine Faith, in fact you…look good," I concede, avoiding her eyes. I can tell she's staring at me, a smile probably plastered across her face.
"Aww Bosco!" she says in a mocking sort of fashion, "I never knew!"
"Shut up," I mumble. I glance over at her. She grins, her blue eyes twinkling in the light. The sunlight streams through the strands of her strawberry blonde hair and I long to touch it to see if it's as soft as it looks.
"Thank you," she breathes. I meet her gaze and give a lazy smile.
"You're welcome," I reply. She maintains a big bright smile and reaches over, playfully stealing a fry. Things go back to normal.
She had no idea I looked at her in that way, and I felt a little thrill run through me at that thought. I was in control. She was my victim. She'd brush her hair off her neck revealing it's slim curve. I'd trace the outline of her face with my eyes, watch as she gulped, causing a lump to form in her throat. It was all perfectly innocent. What she didn't know couldn't possibly hurt her. I think if she did know she'd clip me over the head. But she never caught on and I was grateful.
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than
To sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Is where I wanna be yeah
I glance at my clock. It's only ten minutes gone since I last checked the time. Christ, does time always move this slow? I sigh and bury my face into my hands. I need some sleep. At least fifteen minutes of it. I pick my NYPD baseball cap off the table and play with it absentmindedly. Unconsciously I slip it onto my head feeling more comfortable with it on for some reason. I pray silently into myself.
I haven't prayed in such a long time and I don't know what's come over me. My hands are clasped together in front of my face and I mutter a Hail Mary and then an Our Father under my breath. Jesus, I was hardly a good Catholic at the best of times, why the sudden need to pray now? I find myself asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness for what I'm not sure but I ask for it. I'm interrupted by a soft knock on the front door. Who the hell is calling at this time of night? Instinctively I grab my loaded gun pushing it down into my back pocket as I head for the door. Force of habit I suppose.
"Yeah?" I say. Silence for a second. I almost know it's her before she even answers. I'm sure I can hear the sound of her breathing.
"Bosco," Faith chokes out, "Bos…it's me."
I unlock the door slowly opening it to her. She stands in my doorway, her gaze a little sad. She's wearing jeans and a red blouse, with no jacket. Stupid woman. Doesn't she know how cold it is out there? Her hair is poker straight and hangs loosely over her shoulders. I think she's cut it or something 'cause it looks different. "Can I come in?" she says, barely in a whisper. I step out of the way gesturing for her to enter. She steps passed me keeping her eyes glued to the floor and her hands pressed together in front of her.
"Sorry, it's so late…" she begins pacing my floor, "I just wanted…I couldn't sleep and I…"
"Me either," I reply quietly. She looks at me and I'm sure, in the darkness of my living room I can see her smile.
"Can we have a light on Bos?" she asks. I move over to the lamp and flick it on. The light burns my eyes and I rub them to rid myself of the pain. I look over at her. She stands in the middle of the room, looking a little lost quite frankly.
"Do you want a coffee or somethin'?" I ask. She shakes her head.
"Last thing I need is more coffee, I'm wired as it is," she laughs nervously. I nod.
"Well…what can I do for ya?" I say biting on my upper lip. She shrugs and laughs again.
"I'm sorry…I should go…" she says suddenly shifting uncomfortably on her feet.
"No!" I say. She looks up, her eyes wide. I look into them. They're innocent and fearful. What I wouldn't give to be lost in them. "Don't go."
"I don't wanna fight anymore," she whispers.
"Me either," I say echoing my words from earlier. She glances sideways and gulps loudly. Her hair falls into her eyes and I feel desire coil in my stomach as she stares out the window. It mirrors the times I used to watch her in the locker room. She hasn't a clue what I'm doing. Suddenly I'm filled with lots of inappropriate and primal feelings and I bite down on my tongue to punish myself for them. She turns back to me, her expression remaining unchanged.
"What's wrong with us?" she asks.
"I dunno," I reply, "I want coffee, do you want coffee?"
"You already asked me that," she reminds me, her voice barely audible. I gaze back at her and we stand in a questioning silence.
"How about somethin' stronger then?" I offer heading for my fridge.
"A beer's good," she informs me. I fetch two beers and hand her one. Our fingers brush together as I pass her the bottle. She barely notices I, however, freeze as the hairs on the back of my neck prick up and a shiver runs through me.
"Thank you," she murmurs taking a sip of the cold liquid. I just hold my bottle, clenching it like it's some sort of lifeline.
"How have you been?" I say suddenly. She smiles down into her bottle.
"Oh you know…" she replies glancing up into my face.
"Yeah… I think I do," I say. She smiles again but it's not a happy one.
"I miss you," she whispers, refusing to look up. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to watch. I see a single tear fall onto her blouse as she stutters over the words.
"I miss you too," I respond. She nods without looking up.
"Then why haven't you called me?" she says, sounding a little more frustrated now.
"I thought you might need some space," I reply lamely. She snorts.
"God…Bosco!" she says, exasperated, "All I've wanted for the past few weeks is to hear the sound of your voice. Do you know what it's like to be so alone that it begins to feel normal?"
"Yeah…I do," I reply. She lets out a long breath.
"I've never been alone before Bos…I don't know how to be alone. I needed you to be there for me."
"And I needed you there for me. Faith! This is pointless. You know that!"
She puts down her bottle on the coffee table and moves away from me. I watch as she heads for the mantelpiece, her eyes scanning photographs and my other personal belongings. She pauses on one particular photo of Ma, her and myself. I can't even remember where it was taken but it's a completely natural photo. Not posed or feigned. I have my arms around both of them, pulling them in tightly, holding onto them for dear life. Both lean into me, Faith's cheek brushing against mine, Ma's face resting on my chest. My whole world is in that photo. She brushes her fingers off the image and sighs.
"Can't we go back to that?" she asks.
"It's all I want," I reply.
"Then why can't we do it?" she cries placing the photo back in it's spot, "Why can't we forget?"
"Too much has happened Faith," I reply, ""Too much. Time isn't gonna fix it either."
"But you're my best friend Bosco," she says, pausing to take a sharp breath, "I need you."
I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And I'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it
Feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me
One more time
I repress the urge to scream at her, to shake her, and tell her I need her too. That I want her more than she'll ever realise. Instead I stand about a metre away, gazing at her. She looks back, her eyes watering. "Please tell me you're still my best friend."
Friend? Friend? Jesus Christ. It's gone well past that and she knows it. How stubborn is she gonna be?
"You know I'm always here for you," I say softly. She closes her eyes shut and presses her lips together as if suppressing some sort of poignant emotion that is overwhelming her. I wish I knew what that emotion was. Fear, contempt, caring…or something else entirely?
"That's not what I asked," she murmurs, her eyes remaining clamped shut. She runs her fingers down her temples as if ridding herself of some sort of migraine. "I really do miss you Bosco."
"I told you, I miss you too, but things will never be the same now," I say placing my bottle down beside hers on the coffee table. I look at her.
The soft ambience of my desk lamp caresses the golden strands of her long, layered hair, wrapping them in a warm glow. The light reflects off her milky white skin, making her radiate a natural beauty that I've never before experienced and her blue eyes catch momentarily in a stray beam of moonlight from outside and sparkle. I wonder if she realises how beautiful she is? I don't want her to move for fear the light will change and she'll look different to how she is now. But she does and her appearance doesn't change. She's still stunning.
I don't think she can find the words to respond. She looks like she's having difficulty forming any sort of noise, and she runs a hand through her hair exasperated by her own obscurity. Suddenly she turns to me and gives me a look. She's never looked at me this way before. It's like I'm a stranger. Like she doesn't know who I am anymore. Have things changed that much?
"Everything's so different now," she breathes as if reading my own thoughts, "Why did everything change?"
I shuffle my feet off the wooden floorboards catching a glimpse of her as she turns to the window.
"Why did you come here tonight?" I ask, suddenly finding to courage to venture the question. She turns to me, stunned by frankness. Her jaw drops open as if she's trying to reply but instead shakes her head.
"I wanted to see how you were," she replies eventually.
"At 3am in the morning?" I retort. She shrugs.
"I…I…" she stammers. I look down at her hands. They're shaking violently as she grips the back of a chair for support. "I had a feeling…"
"Feeling?" I question, stepping forward.
"Yeah…like you needed to talk…and so did I…I know it sounds stupid," she replies, laughing at the thought of it.
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door
And listen to your breathing
Is where I wanna be yeah
Where I wanna be
I wish it did sound stupid. But it doesn't. It makes absolute perfect sense. We've always been that way, Faith and I. It's not an 'otherly worldy' kind of thing, it's just…we always seem to have a fair idea of what the other's thinking. Maybe we've spent too much time together, I dunno. But right now, I can't figure her out. For the life of me I can't figure out what she's thinking. I even consider asking her for a brief second.
"For such a long time you were the only thing in my world that made sense…" she mumbles swaying on her feet. "Even through everything. I could always depend on you…"
"I know what you mean," I reply. She cranes her neck around to look at me and I see a smile flicker across her full, red lips. Then it comes out. I'm not sure why but the words just escape. "What are you thinking?"
She twists her mouth pensively and looks back out the window. "Honestly?"
"Honestly," I confirm gulping nervously. It's not that I'm afraid of what she'll say…well I am but I'm more afraid of what will come from it.
"How beautiful it is out there," she replies, smiling into the darkness. I follow her gaze out the window. It's not a particularly nice night. It's like every other night in my opinion. Dark. She turns to me again and a breathy chuckle escapes her throat. "I finally realise how to fix this."
I look up from the floor and meet her gaze. She smiles and purposely moves toward me, stopping just inches from my body. I feel her welcoming body heat radiate against my own. She reaches up hesitantly; placing both hands on the back of my neck and pulls me down onto her shoulder. At first I stand unresponsive, as she runs her fingers up the base of my neck into the curls of my hair. And then, almost instinctively, I know what to do. I wrap my own arms around her waist pulling her in to me. I hear her let out a relived sigh and I close my eyes. I think I can hear her heart beating, or it could be my own. I'm not really sure. I've never been this close to her before. I inhale her scent. She smells like coconut ice cream, only better. Her hair falls into my face and I brush it down with one of my hands.
"I'm sorry," she whispers into my shoulder. I rub her back affectionately.
"Me too," I reply. She snakes her arms around my waist as she rests her head on my chest. It's all I've ever needed to feel a part of someone like this. She makes me feel whole.
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me
Waiting for the scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
'Cause I just want to be here now
The sun's beginning to rise outside. The subtle beams of light radiate through the window onto her face. She sits in front of me cradling a mug of coffee in her hands, her arms resting on the table. I can't help but watch her. She gazes down into her cup, concentrating on the whirling liquid contents.
"Thanks for coming to see me," I say quietly. She smiles without looking up.
"Thank you for letting me in," she replies, chuckling slightly. She glances up and her eyes rest on the NYPD cap on my head. "You planning on doin' a runner?"
She rests her chin in one of her hands, leaning down onto the table. I take it off and laugh. "I don't even know why I had in on." She falls silent gazing at the baseball cap in my hands.
"I miss the normality of it all you know, being with you everyday, on the job," she reveals.
"Yeah I know what you mean." I pause staring at her as she bites down her bottom lip. "Here," I say as I place the cap on her head. It pushes her straight hair down and some stray strands wander across her face. She clenches her eyes shut, smiling as I take my hand away. "There's my patrol girl."
She chuckles light-heartedly and leans back in her chair fixing the cap securely onto her head. "I lost mine ya know?"
"Well have mine then," I suggest. She shakes her head, smiling feebly.
"Nah, it's not like I need it anymore," she replies sighing. I shrug and take a sip of my now luke warm coffee.
"No have it, I'll get another one," I insist placing the cup back down on the table.
"Ok…are we fine now?"
"Yeah…we're fine."
"Good…'cause ya know…that's good."
"Jesus it's early Faith, don't you have to be in work?" I ask gazing at my watch.
"I can go without sleep," she replies. We fall back into a comfortable silence and I watch as she turns her head and stares out the window.
"Another day, another crime to solve for Detective Yokas," I joke leaning back in my chair. She smirks.
"Somethin' like that."
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Is where I wanna be yeah
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be