10th August
A/N: hey! Nyviay here, this is the next insane chapter in Tidus's life after...death, I suppose, well disappearance then. After a cooking accident made by Yuna, Tidus takes things into his own hands, but makes an even worse mistake...something to do with a topless mermaid? READ ON!
Tidus was whining. He was lying down spread over the couch and acting like a puppy begging for attention. Yuna had recently scolded him with her attempt to cook. He had tried to mop the floor with his hair when Yuna was boiling water in a pan. He lay moaning at the searing pain on his cheek from where the boiling water had hit him.
"It hurts!" he cried " and I don't want this ice pack on me! It's cold!"
"Well, state the obvious," replied Yuna as she carried on cooking "of course it'll hurt, and the only way to make it less painful is to keep that ice pack on it."
Tidus sighed. Rikku and Lulu were coming over for dinner. He whined at the thought of putting up with Rikku's hyperactivity and Lulu's two-sided behavior. He thought about the Lobsters he had encountered about a year ago, how he had cut off his own toes to avoid them getting clipped off by the Radioactive Mutant Lobsters that Lulu had tricked him about.
Would he EVER be able to live down the fact that he was so gullible enough to cut off his own TOES? Why couldn't he just wear shoes? Or tough boots...or even, now it occurred to him, blocks of concrete? How stupid could you get?
He whined again. Rikku. How he HATED her. With her " Ya know? Ya know? Ya know?" could she not think of something else to say?
As he sat up, due to hearing the doorbell ring, the ice pack slid down his face and down his shirt, freezing his chest.
" IT'S...C...C...COLD!" Yuna ignored him.
He answered the door and knew he had to endure Rikku's pouncing attack. He braced himself as he felt her leap over his back and tickle him. Lulu strides in.
"Rikku, don't DO that!" he yelled as she began running around.
"What happened to your face?" asked Lulu.
"Nothing...nothing to do with the fact that Yuna doesn't appreciate me helping out."
"That's not true! You were in the way!" Yuna retaliated. " How many 18 year old men mop the floor with their hair whilst someone is dealing with hot water!"
"Humph! There was no need to throw water at me just because you couldn't handle the fact that MEN can mop up too!"
"I give up" Yuna sighed "anyway Lulu...um...Rikku how are you?" she now noticed Rikku was running around.
"I'm fine, Wakka's at his CLUB tonight"
"Gayboy club?" asked Tidus, his eyes lighting up.
"Um...no...He's at Ballet. He's officially the Prima Ballerina"
" Ballet? You mean dancy puffy stuff? Like twizel and swizzle and twirl and whirl?"
"Tidus, don't be rude!"
"I'm not being rude! It's common courtesy to take sufficient interest in your guests affairs-e.g.-Ballet"
"You been reading the dictionary again?" asked Lulu
"No I read ' how to turn a Blonde Half-wit into the perfect host in 3 minutes'", he replied sticking his nose in the air " and I memorized every page...down to the last punctuation mark. The book has 892 full stops, 983 commas, and 67 of those-"
"Alright enough" interrupted Yuna covering Tidus's mouth with her hand " If you would like to take a seat..."
A while later Yuna came out the kitchen with the meal. Beef Casserole.
"And WHAT is THIS?" moaned Tidus as he poked the food with his fork.
"It's what you asked for, Beef Casserole, from the book you left me"
"What book?"
" The one you left on the side for me"
Lulu and Rikku looked as though they were watching a table tennis match, turning their heads from one person to the other.
" You dumb girl, that was from Aubrey!"
" Aubrey who? Some one I should know about?"
" You know...Aubrey...Aubrey Aubrey...from next door?"
" What? That crazy old woman that talks to herself and pokes herself in the eye with every pen she can find? "Asked Yuna in amazement " you borrowed a BOOK from her."
" Mm hmm, ' how to make your own cat crap without the help of a cat' it was called."
" Eww!" squeaked Rikku as she sniffed the dish " it IS catty craps!"
" I can't say that this dish appeals to me Yuna" remarked Lulu, as she looked disgusted at the food.
"But, I...It's...I..." mumbled Yuna " It's HIS fault!"
"Now, now, no need to blame it on your superior" said Tidus smirking "I'LL go and cook us up a REAL treat!".
Tidus danced off and left Yuna to turn red. She was receiving disgusted looks from Rikku who was still playing with her 'food'. Lulu was trying to be polite by trying not to mention it, but failed.
"I mean, Wakka...when he smells bad, I MEAN he smells bad...a bit like this crap here...oops sorry...but I tells him to take a shower and he doesn't, he leaves it until next day. Well, what I say, is- men smell bad which ever way you smell them- has a lot of comparison to this food...sorry...does Tidus smell? I bet he does, blonde men always stink, but what ever you do, you CANNOT mask the stench of the male...like your cooking...I better shut up now hadn't I?"
Yuna nodded.
A while later, after half an hour or so, the three girls could smell something nice cooking. But as for Tidus, he was in trouble. The oven had exploded.
"Tidus?" asked Yuna " are you alright?"
"YES! I'm fine...nothings wrong...why are you asking?...why are you being so pushy?...THE OVEN ISN'T ON FIRE FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN!"
"But I-"
" Never mind...dear" he smiled as he stuck his head round the door.
Tidus's situation was more troublesome than he could have imagined; the oven was leaking Carbon Monoxide. A deadly gas that could kill in minutes.
Next to Tidus, the Carbon Monoxide detector turned black, an immediate sign of-'get the hell out of here, and make it quick!'
A few seconds later Tidus was whizzing out of the kitchen doing a sort of mid-air cartwheel making the squeaking sounds of a dolphin and yelling-"Echo! Echo! Echolocation!"
"Tidus?" Lulu whimpered alongside Rikku
" I breathed in that gas that was leaking out the oven!" grinned Tidus.
" Forget him, it'll pass," Yuna said " this goddamn itch...it's really annoying, Tidus bit me and it's itchy. I swear the lad's got Rabies..."
Tidus began to kick and honk, and sang-" on the palm of your hand there is an itch, it makes you writhe, it makes you twitch, to make it all better, just scratch on wood, you'll soon find out it's for greater good!"
He continued to do donkey impersonations, and then began polish his ornament of a topless mermaid with his eyelashes.
Tidus walked in with an ice pack on his head.
Yuna whizzed round " what? But...you...there...polishing?"
" Ignore her, Lulu and Rikku, usual costom...madness...it'll pass"
" But..I...saw!" she yelled back.
"I give up" replied Tidus and he walked out.
" Right Lulu, I think it's time to get Tidus to...the psychiatrist..."
A/N: Please tell me what you think of it, good, bad? I'd love to hear from you. I'm in a REALLY good mood at the moment, so even if you think it was a waste of time, let me down..s..l..o..w..l..y..
Thanks for reading.
Keep smilin'!
From Nyviay xxx