"John, you've only been gone for five hours. Not even." Bo's face was gray with exhaustion.
"I got a few hours. I'm not going to get anymore." The dark circles under John's eyes looked like they were permanent.
"Dreams?" Bo asked.
John shrugged and put his hands on his hips to go stand before the board in Bo's office where they were assembling the leads they had like a puzzle. He couldn't talk about the dreams.
"You should get some sleep yourself, Boss."
"Yeah. After my meeting with the Mayor."
"He still threatening to pull resources?"
"Yeah. But I have an ace up my sleeve."
"Yeah?" John turned around with a curious look on his face.
"The FBI is coming in today. If he pulls resources it's not going to look good for his multi-agency cooperative effort that he's running on for next year's election."
"Jersey or Philly office?" John asked.
"D.C."
"Really? BSU?"
"Yeah. Apparently someone made a few calls and got them interested. You wouldn't happen to know who that was would you?" Bo asked with a knowing look.
"The local office guys helping us are good, but we need more on this. We aren't getting anywhere." Frustration roughened John's voice.
"This guy is going to meet with Marcie, first thing."
"Do you think this really has anything to do with Marcie's journals? I know he's been copying them, but I don't think it has anything to do with her. Not anymore."
"She wanted to speak with Marcie, first thing. I guess she knows what she's doing."
"John, there's one thing I might not be able to talk the Mayor out of."
"He wants to pull me off the case. I'm not going to do that, even if you take my badge."
"I figured. Listen. I'm going to go to that meeting now. Why don't you work out of here. Rex should be here any minute to badger us and the profiler will be here in half an hour."
John waited until Bo was out the door before he picked up the framed photograph of Jessica and Natalie that Bo kept behind his desk with his family photos.
She was so beautiful in the photo. It had been taken at the dinner party he had attended at Jess and Antonio's. She had been smiling, but the touch of sadness was obvious, at least to him. He touched his finger to the glass and stroked her face. God, how he had wanted her back then, but it had been too soon after she had lost her husband. He knew he would only hurt her.
John rubbed a hand over his face and pulled the photo to his chest. He had still hurt her. Because of him he she was gone. If only he had gone into the gym with proper back up. If only he had watched her when he was trying to get Evangeline conscious enough to walk out so he could carry Natalie. If only…
"Stop hugging her picture and find her in real life!" Rex's voice jarred John from his useless introspection.
"Rex." John put the picture down and turned to look at Natalie's brother. He was looking a bit rough around the edges himself. Angry, tired and agitated.
"She's been gone a week! When the hell are you guys going to find her? She's out there and she's scared."
"Natalie is strong; she can take care of herself." John willed himself to believe it.
"You feel it too. I know you do. Natty always said you had this connection."
"What did you find out? I know you've been nosing around," John added when Rex tried to play innocent.
"Nothing. Whoever this guy is who has Natty he isn't from the usual suspects in Llanview." Rex's shoulders dropped with defeat. "RJ and Antonio have been asking around, too. Can you believe they're cooperating?"
"For Natalie."
"Yeah, for Natalie. Why did you tell her you don't love her?" Rex titled his head, for the moment he wasn't a protective and worried brother, but a man wondering why.
John ignored the question and picked up a file from Bo's desk. The file with the analysis of the Killing Club journals Marcie had managed to remember or find
"Dammit! My sister could be dead and you're still playing the strong and silent crap! Give it the fuck up!" Rex smacked the file out of John's hands.
"Don't you ever say she's dead! She's not dead!" John grabbed Rex by the collar.
"Because you love her." Rex stared the cop down.
John tossed Rex back and glared at him.
"That look, that's me a month ago when Jen was dead. She didn't believe you, but you hurt her."
"That's why." John stopped and ran his fingers through the back of his hair.
Rex crossed his arms and waited.
"What the hell is the purpose of this conversation? What purpose does this serve in finding her?" John demanded.
"I dunno. Maybe you'll be able to think clearer when you're not so busy keeping all that bullshit bottled up inside."
"That sounds like something Roxy would say."
"No, that's something that Mrs. Davidson would say. And Natalie. I'm going back out there and we're going to find my sister."
"You stay safe, Balsom. Or your sister will have my hide."
"You too."
John grabbed the file he had been reading for the thousandth time after Rex left. Didn't they get it? It didn't matter what the hell John felt for Natalie. Right now all he had to do was find her.