A/N: Writer's block is no fun! :(  But luckily the Futurama Season 1 DVD's were there to watch during vacation. :)  I made some mistakes in the second chapter that I would like to correct.  First of all, Mom's sons aren't bald.  Second, Nibbler does not eat humans.  That's about it, I'm afraid.  I'm trying to make everyone more in-character and doing what I can.  On with the long-awaited chapter three!

Chapter 3

A Chi Spell for Mayhem

  Shortly after both crews escaped from the fiasco at Madison Cube Garden, the professor commissioned that the all the Planet Express building's security systems be activated.  He pushed a button, and suddenly there was a crash.  Everyone looked around and saw that every opening to the outdoors was plated in a thick sheet of steel.  The lights came on automatically.

  "There," said the elderly professor.  "Armor plating and a force field to boot.  Now nothing can get in or out.  That's right, NOTHING!"

  "Not even TV signals?" wondered Fry.  "All My Circuits is about to come on."

  "Nothing," repeated Professor Farnsworth.

  Fry moaned and buried his head in his hands.  "Aw man!  Now I'll never find out if Calculon can cure Monique's computer virus before his evil twin unleashes the deadly Y4K virus into her system and—"

  "Fry, there's more important things to worry about than TV," Leela pointed out.  "Like if we'll all turn into vampires."

  "Leela's right," added Jackie.  "Can't we just get to sleep and get Myotismon while he's safely in his headquarters, wherever he is?"

  "THIS PLACE IS NOT VAMPIRE-PROOF!" whined Uncle, stepping up to Professor Farnsworth until their noses were less than an inch apart.  "It needs chi to compleeeetely secuuure it.  ONE MORE THING!  You are veeery stupid professor!  ONE MORE THING!  My complete chi collection is in the antique store, and there is armor and a force field blocking my waaaaay!"

  "Chi?  Oh puh-leaze," scoffed Jade.  "Not with this high-tech gadgetry!"

  "I NEED MY CHI!" griped Uncle.

  "Bull pies!" retorted the professor.  "My force field can protect our office from the strongest laser beams!"

  "But not bad chi!"

  "Besides, you young whippersnapper, I already deployed the force field so nothing can get out either, and I'm not about to turn it off just so some weirdo can get some of his rubbish for making his soup."

  "IT NOT SOUP, IT CHI!"

  "Come on, professa," Hermes persuaded from the couch.  "Your force field don't cover chi, so a spell increases our security by 43%!"

  "Oh fine," Farnsworth condescended.  "But I'm not going over there to get it for him.  He'll have to get it himself."

  "NEVER!  NOT WITH VAMPIRES RUNNING RAMPANT!" shouted Uncle.  "JACKIEEEE!"

  "No, no no no way am I going over there," asserted Jackie.  Though he was brave enough to fight the Dark Hand singlehandedly, he knew that venturing outside on his own would be incredibly foolish, especially because when you became a vampire, you could not be controlled by anyone except the Vampire Lord himself.  Unless I have backup.  Right, professor?"

  "Absolutely," agreed Farnsworth.  "Fry, Leela, and Bender will go with you."

  The three of them, trapped, looked at each other and racked their minds for excuses.  They wouldn't dare go without some sort of vampire-proofing themselves.

  "Oh, I'd love to," replied Leela, grinning sheepishly, "but… uh… I have sweaty boot rash.  I… uh… have to go clean my boots!"  She backed away quickly and escaped into the bathroom.

  "And I… have to… uh… go shine up my metal ass and sort through my robot porn," added Bender, backing away in another direction and escaping into the hall.

  "Wait, isn't your ass polish in your apartme—  Oh, right!  I… just have to go."  Fry chimed in, then ran into the kitchen.

  "Well, there goes your backup," said Jade.  "You might as well go too, Jackie."

  "That's it!"  The elderly professor threw up his hands in exasperation.  "IF YOU THREE HAVE CHICKENED OUT, THEN I'LL HAVE TO USE A REAL MAN FOR THE JOB!  Where's Zoidberg?"

  "Who cares?" asked Hermes.  "He'll just screw it up, like alweeys."

  The professor looked around the room and at who remained in it.  Jackie… Jade… Uncle… Hermes… Amy… Amy!  As an intern, she had to do something heroic.  "Amy!"

  Amy looked up from painting her fingernails.  "Yeah, professor?"

  "Go get the chi ingredients for us!  They're in Uncle's Fine Antiques, right across the street."

  "But—"

  Before she knew it, Amy found herself standing outside on the sidewalk, staring at the armor and glowing force field around the Planet Express headquarters, which had just been reactivated.  She looked down at the sidewalk and sulked to herself in Chinese.  The streets were unusually vacant from the vampire transformations.  Everyone opted to remain indoors, and even the bums enclosed themselves in their cardboard boxes.  She crossed the street and went into the antique store.  "Stupid Uncle and his stupid chi…  stupid *Chinese equivalent of the f-word*ing chi…  I don't even know what it looks like!"

  She scanned the room and finally saw a pot surrounded by different leaves and items that didn't appear to be antiques.  "So this must be the chi."  She picked up a petrified lizard.  "Ew!"  The intern dropped it into the pot, then loaded all of the other chi ingredients into it for convenience.

  As Amy ventured back to the door, wondering why the others were so worried about doing a simple task like this, there came a knock.

  "Yeah, yeah, I got it," she muttered, opening the door.  She gasped and dropped the pot just as she saw who was standing on the other side.  "WAAAAH!"

  "Hey, who's the lady?" wondered Ratso.  "I've never seen her before!"

  Walt, Mom's oldest son, took her by the wrist and held her so tightly she struggled to let go.  "She looks Chinese.  Must work for Chan."

  "I DON'T work for Jackie!" insisted Amy.  "Don't you know who I am?"

  "No," replied Finn quickly.

  "Hey, she looks like one of the Mars Wongs!" exclaimed Igner, the one with a stripe of maroon hair as well as Mom's youngest son.  "Hey guys, I got an idea.  If we hold her hostage in the HQ, then her parents might pay a hefty price for—"

  "Getting her back!" Walt finished off.  "What a fantastic idea!  I'm glad I thought of it."

  "You creeps aren't taking me ANYWHERE!" shouted Amy, struggling to break free of Walt's strong grip.  "Just… just wait until Jackie Chan comes to rescue me!  You'll be sorry you ever messed with a Wong!"

  "We've shot business rivals that haven't yelled as much as you," said Walt.

  "Yeah!" added Larry, the middle son.  He had brown hair and was the scapegoat of the three sons.

  Walt slapped Larry across the face.  "Quiet, you.  Quick, tie her up and throw her in the limo!"

  Before she could do anything else, Amy got tied up with a rope and got a bandanna tied around her mouth.  Tohru carried her outside to Mom Corp's hovering white limousine, then stuffed her into the trunk.  Every lackey who worked for Myotismon quickly got into the limo, which hovered towards the robot company building in a flash.

  Half an hour later, Jackie decided to speak up about Amy's absence.  "You know, Amy sure has been gone for a long time.  Longer than a trip across the street should take."

  "He's right!" exclaimed Leela, who had returned as soon as she heard that the job had been taken by someone else.  "She should have been back here twenty minutes ago."  She picked up a garlic necklace that was lying on the conference room's tabletop.  "And why is this necklace lying here?"

  "Oh dear, oh dear lord…" muttered Farnsworth.  "I must have forgotten to give that to Amy…"

  "YOU TOO SENILE!" whined the unmistakable voice of Uncle.  "My memory stays sharp as a tack from my tea recipe!  ONE MORE THING!  I would have remembered to give Amy the garlic necklace!  YOU BAD PROFESSOR!"

  "Typical 80-year old man attitude…" griped the ancient professor.  "I am twice as old as you and have accounted to more in life than you ever will!"

  "BUT YOU CANNOT REMEMBER SIMPLE VAMPIRE REPELLANT?"

  "I have remembered more than you at the tender age of 80!  My IQ was reported to be over 200 then!"

  "WHAT HAPPEN TO IT NOW?  NOW IT MATCHES MY AGE!"

  "Break it up, you two!" shouted Leela, pushing herself between the two elderly men before a fight ensued.  "So Amy might have gotten herself captured.  We have got to look for her before that creep takes over the universe.  You two just pretend you're friends for now so we don't have more problems burdening us down than we already do now.  Now shake hands and make up."

  The professor and the chi master turned their backs on each other.

  "Does your grandpa always act like this?" Jade whispered to Fry, who had also returned.

  Fry shrugged.  "Actually, he's my—"

  "FINE!" snapped Professor Farnsworth.  "But only until we get my intern back."  He turned towards Uncle.

  "Uncle, please make up with the professor," pleaded Jackie.  "It's the only way we can successfully defeat Myotismon."

  "Oh, veryyy well then," compromised Jackie's uncle.  "But if chi not found it all YOUR fault!" he added to the professor.

  "But we can't ALL go," Jackie pointed out.  "Someone needs to stay behind in case Amy comes back, while some of us go out and look for her.  I am willing to volunteer for the job, but…"  He put on the garlic necklace.  "…I will need vampire repellant and backup."

  "ME!" Jade volunteered, jumping up and down.

  "No, Jade," said Jackie brusquely.  "I might have been lenient on you when you snuck into Fort Knox when Valmont had the power of the Dragon Talisman, and let you come to Transylvania with me before we got to this cockamamie future world, but you will not, not under any circumstances, over my dead body, come along on this vampire-thwarting mission.  Now you watch Uncle and make sure he doesn't get into a wrestling match with Farnsworth over there."

  The spunky girl pouted and stuck out her lower lip.  "Jackiiiieeeeeeeeee…" she complained.  "I don't want to stay here!  It already smelled like cigars and drinking and robot oil and lobster carcass and sweaty boot rash and old man BEFORE Uncle added his garlic odor to the mix!"

  "Garlic make mind sharp and agile!" Uncle informed everyone present, pointing to his head.

  "Oh come on, Jade, cigars don't smell THAT bad," said Fry.

  "That's because you hang out with Bender all the time!" argued Jade.  "The cigars and drinking and robot oil smell wouldn't even be here without him around!"

  "Bite my shiny metal ass!" retorted the robot.

  "All dis closed-quarters business is raising our tension level by 250%," said Hermes.  "Just go and find Amee before someone geets der head cut off.  Like Zoidberg!"

  "ME?" grunted the lobster.  "Cut MY beautiful head off?"

  Jackie took two of his fingers and whistled with them in his mouth just as a shouting match was about to ensue.  The entire Planet Express crew, Jade, and Uncle stared at him with wide eyes.  At first he forgot what he was about to tell everyone, but then he remembered after five seconds of an unbearable silence.  "Don't you see what's happening?  Being cramped together in this headquarters is getting to us.  The sooner a group of us goes out to find Amy and delete Myotismon, the sooner everyone can… can just get along."

  "Absolutely," agreed Hermes.  "Anyting to get Zoidberg out of da office."

  "But first…" Farnsworth strolled over to the video phone and punched several numbers into the keypad, waiting for the second party to acquire the signal.  "…we need to contact someone who I know can defeat any entity in the universe, just in case a pathetic CHI spell doesn't work.  Leela, as captain of the ship, I suggest you talk to him, captain to captain."

  "Sure thing," said Leela, sitting down at the conference table.

  "Wait!" said Jackie.  "I thought— but, nothing's supposed to escape the—"

  "Jackie, this is 3002," the cyclops reminded the martial-arts master.  "The signals of video phones can go through the armor plating and the force field, in case we really need help.  I sure hope this captain is more competent than that pompous buffoon—"

  Leela's fears were realized as that familiar voice echoed through the room.  "Why hel-lo, my lovely Leela!  Finally deciding to call me in the midst of crisis?  How… erotic!"

  "Oh God… it's Zapp Brannigan…" she muttered to herself, then sighed.  "Look, it wasn't my idea to call you—"

  The blonde man on the other side of the screen grinned to himself and interrupted.  "Oh, I wish we could all believe that, my sexy cyclopian, but we know you want me… say the word and I'll be at your door, ready to make sweet sweet love to you like we did the first day we met."

  "Shut up," said Leela, looking away from the screen and crossing her arms.  "Look, the professor wanted you to come and help us defeat the vampires that have been terrorizing New New York.  We even have Jackie Chan on our side!"

  "Jackie… Chan?" asked Zapp.  He turned himself away from the camera and mumbled, "If Chan is in my Leela's office, he could seduce her with his cheesy kung fu moves… I need to go over there to see that my lady isn't stolen away from me."  He turned back towards the camera and answered, "Why, I will leave the safety of the DOOP's Nimbus and come right over to where you are to protect you from the vampires.  Let's go, Kif!"  The videophone turned itself off.

  "Well, Leela, looks like you're boned!" exclaimed Bender, lighting a cigar and smoking it.  "Again!"

  "Will you just SHUT UP?" shouted Leela.  "I slept with him once, so get over it!  I never loved him, and he forced me into it!  I just wanted to have a captain-to-captain rendesvous but then he starts… seducing me and stripping in front of me, crying about how lonely he can be, so I climb into bed with that fat jerk and try to comfort him like a mother does a child, but then…"  She shivered.  "… he suddenly tongue-kisses me until I can't breathe and removes my top, and then—"

  "LEELA!" shouted Jackie.  "Need I remind you that JADE is in here with us?"

  Jade merely stood in her spot, eyes wide and eagerly awaiting the next line.

  "And then I don't remember what happened next," whispered the cyclops.  "I remember drinking a lot of champagne with him before that, but when I woke up the next morning, I found myself naked and underneath velour sheets, next to Zapp, with a slight hangover, too scared and confused to do anything.  Anyway, I was too drunk to know I did it."

  "Uh… huh…" said Bender.  "That's what you want us to think!"

  Finally, Amy awoke in a prison cell on one side of what used to be Mom's office, but had been changed into a stone office with no windows, torches on the walls, and a massive wooden desk against one of the walls.  She was untied, but too exhausted to move.  "W… where am I?" she managed to ask.

  "You are in the headquarters," replied Walt, who walked up to the cell.

  "Uh… we're holding you hostage," added Ratso.

  "I'm the only one who should talk!" snapped Walt, striking Ratso across the face.  "Shut up or I'll tell Myotismon to fry you with his Crimson Lightning."

  Amy sat up.  "Wha… what about Fry?  Is he here too?"

  "No; what would we do with a loser like him?" asked Walt.  "I was telling him to shut up or I'll tell Myotismon to fry him with his Crimson Lightning.  We work for him, and if your parents or other loved ones come quick you will permanently become a vampire like him."

  "A… v… vampire?"  Amy's eyes lit up.  "You mean I'll spend eternity with Myotismon?"

  "Whether you like it or not."

  Amy decided to tell a lie to be with her dearest Myo, silently praying that Mom's sons would buy it.  "Well… my parents wouldn't want me back anyway," she fibbed.  Or possibly just stretched the truth.  "I haven't mothered a grandchild for them despite being a smizmar for Kif… but they think I'm a total disgrace and wouldn't take me back if YOU paid them a billion dollars!  Don't even bother calling them; they want nothing to do with me."

  Walt began chuckling to himself.  "Well then, so ends the portion of your life when you DON'T have fangs!"

  "What was wrong with Captain Black?" asked Jade, who was talking to Jackie personally in the kitchen.  "He seemed like a better person for the job than Zapp."

  "I tried calling him, Jade, but apparently he wasn't transported to New York City like us," sighed Jackie.  "I guess we'll have to settle for that guy Leela slept with…"

  "For your information, he slept with me!" Leela breathlessly shouted from the next room.  "If I hadn't overdosed on the champagne, then I would have made like a stocking and run!  And as for Amy, she's not in the antique store!  All I saw was some clay shards on the sidewalk surrounded by a few leaves…"

  "My chi!" exclaimed Uncle.  "Amy must have been captured by the Dark Hand and—"

  There came the rumble of a ship touching down, which could have only been one thing.  Zapp and Kif had arrived.

  "Oh God, they're here!"  The cyclops quickly walked away.  "Hide me, somewhere… anywhere!"

  Professor Farnsworth pressed a button on a nearby control panel, and the front door opened and quickly closed.  "Good news, everyone!  Er… bad news, Leela.  Zapp is here and ready to help us with our vampire problem!"  Everyone immediately crowded around the table in the conference room, and if they couldn't get a seat they stood up, or in Fry's case, sat on a nearby cabinet.

  The door to the conference room opened with a crash, and standing in the doorway was a grinning Zapp Brannigan, followed by the exasperated-looking Kif.

  "Never fear, the Zapper's here!" said Zapp, entering the room.  "Oh, and so is Kif.  Kif, write my plan down in case I forget.  I have a complex plan that must go off without a hitch."

  Kif groaned and whipped out a writing pad and pen, at the same time wondering what happened to Amy.

  "But what is the plan?" asked Jade.  "Come on, what's the plan?"

  "Get that kid out of here," ordered Zapp.  "She's cramping my style.  I'm going to get to the plan as soon as I can.  You cannot rush genius."  He took his position at one side of the table, then began pacing in deep thought.

  "You'd think traveling would give you lots of time to think of a plan," Jade muttered.

  "You be quiet," berated the blonde captain.  "The only one who can speak to me is the lovely lady Leela… and she can tell me how she feels about me anytime…"  He walked towards a disgusted Leela and leaned on her chair.  "I'll be willing to return the favor anytime… very seductively, I might add."

  "I think you're a fat, pompous, idiotic jackass," retorted the cyclops, turning her chair away.

  "HELLO?  THE PLAN!" squealed Jade.

  "Yes, get to the plan already so I can get some sleep, dammit!" added the professor, pounding the table.  "It's 10:30 at night, for God's sakes!"

  "Ah, night… the perfect feeding time for vampires…" mused Zapp.  "Kif, are you getting this down?"

  "Yes, captain," murmured Kif.

  "Good.  The plan is, we will wait until tomorrow morning, when the vampires are most vulnerable.  We will go outside armed with garlic, wooden stakes, crosses, whatever fancy stuff it takes to kill a vampire.  Then we will find the lead vampire and send wave after wave of my men after him, each armed with killing stuff.  When the lead vampire is killed, the other vampires will follow until every one is gone.  And bam— problem solved, thanks to me, Zapp Brannigan.  Say, Leela… if you like a dangerous vampire-slaying man… the Zapper's here anytime!"

  Leela rolled her eye.

  "That doesn't sound complicated to me!" said Jade.  "Not much of a plan, if you ask me.  Captain Black can think up better plans.  And let's not forget Jackie!"

  "Get that kid out of here," said Zapp for the second time.  "And we will put the plan into action… tomorrow.  I'm bushed after a day of tough travel.  I'm going to sleep.  Where's the nearest bed?  And Leela, if you don't have a place to sleep, you are WAY more than welcome to—"

  "I'd rather sleep in Nibbler's litter box."

  "Sure, sure, whatever rocks your socks… whatever's the most seductive to you…"

  Leela sighed.  This was going to be a long night.

  "I CALL THE COUCH!" shouted Fry, making a beeline for the couch in front of the TV and flopping down onto it.  That was the only thing possibly related to a bed.

  This was going to be a very long night.

  "Fine den, everyone else gets da floor," said Hermes, taking his coat off to make a makeshift pillow.

  "CLOSET!" shouted Bender, dashing to the nearest broom closet and shutting himself inside.  "Hmmm… cramped and cozy!"

  The professor, who had his own bed, left the room and turned the lights off.  "Good night, everyone!"

  Leela laid herself down on the floor of the lounge, angry at herself for not wearing anything that could be used for a pillow.  At least Hermes was next to her, so there was someone she could remotely trust to not sleep with her…  but was that the smell of lobster carcass?

  "Zoidberg, you stink up da room!" shouted the Jamaican man.  "Go to your dumpster!"

  The lobster refused to budge from his spot.

  This was going to be an extremely long night.

  "Why Leela, how dangerously romantic…" whispered a voice in her ear.  Leela turned over onto her other side to see Zapp.  "A fear of getting caught always adds a little bit of spice to it…"  She immediately faced Hermes again.

  "I have to go to the bathroom!" whined Jade.  "Where are the bathrooms?"

  "HOW COME PROFESSOR GET BED AND I SHARE FLOOR WITH IDIOTS?" whined Uncle.

  "Fry, quit snoring!" shouted Jackie, covering his ears.

  "Where's Amy?  I can't sleep without knowing where she is!"  Kif began to sob.

  This was going to be the longest night ever.  No questions asked, the longest night ever.

To be continued…