A/N: I cannot think of anything to say for the author's note at the moment, except it's Labor Day and school starts tomorrow. This chapter is a bit long, with a lot of swearing on Mom's part.
Chapter 4
The Mission Begins
After an extremely long night of tossing and turning, Leela awoke to a loud and very consistent banging noise that was worse than Fry's snoring. She groaned and covered her ears with her hands, trying to stick her head underneath the couch to muffle the sound even more. Worst of all, it was coming from the next room.
"What in Babylon?" she heard Hermes interject.
"The noise! It's too loud already!" That was Zoidberg.
"I'll say!" Hermes snapped back. "It's bad enough that thanks to you this place reeks of lobster, but even worse with something making that awful noise!"
"Arrrgh…" was all Leela had to say. "Why won't it quit? I was up all night trying to keep Zapp out of my pants! Plus with Fry's snoring keeping me up all night…" She kept her eye closed and wished the cacophony would cease.
Suddenly, Fry gave everyone the answer to the source of the noise. "Hey Jade, what are you doing to the Slurm machine?"
"Yeah, girlie," added Bender. "The way to get a free Slurm is to do this." A sound of something extending, and then the ching of quarters filled the room. Bender had stuck his arm up the slot and made his way to the money, grabbing a handful of quarters on the way out. He gave one to Fry, who stuck two in the machine, pushed a button, and waited for a Slurm to come out.
"No," sighed Jade. "It's not that. I'm really mad at this stupid machine because it won't give me the pop I want!"
"What?" Bender sounded a bit guilty. "I didn't tell it anything."
"This stupid future sucks," complained Jade.
"LANGUAGE," Jackie reminded her loudly. Leela groaned again. At least HE sounded awake. Either that or grouchy because that incessant noise woke him up—
"I mean, this stupid machine sells Slurm, Diet Slurm, Extra-Concentrated Super Slurm, Cherry Slurm, Vanilla Slurm, Slurm Blue, Tropical Slurm Remix, Coffee Slurm, Slurm Code Red, Orange Slurm, Mystery Slurm, Minty-Fresh Slurm, and even Herbal Green Tea Slurm, but they haven't invented Chocolate Slurm? Geez, what a rip!"
"Actually, Jade," said Professor Farnsworth, who sounded as if he had a good-night's sleep, "Chocolate Slurm was discontinued after it caused cocoa-related cancer in laboratory rats."
"Really?" Jade sounded enthralled already.
"Oh my, yes," answered the professor. "Brown spots appeared on their bodies and they began smelling awfully like chocolate, and… well, you do not want to find out what happened to them then."
If you can't beat em, you might as well join em… thought Leela. She got up from under the couch and opened her eye to see Jade, Bender, Fry, and the professor standing by the newly-installed Slurm machine in a nearby room. Jackie was awake, but still on the floor. Everyone else she saw, minus Zapp and Kif, were asleep on the ground. She looked at the clock, which read 6:45.
"My God, it's so early…" she muttered. "Jade, why did you have to wake us up?"
Jade shrugged. "I wanted a soda, I guess." she replied.
The cyclops walked into the kitchen, not caring about how terrible she looked with her bed head or bloodshot eye. She pushed a button on the coffee machine, shoved a cup underneath a spigot, and waited for the cup to fill up with some coffee.
"Hey Leela, what happened to you?" asked Fry. "You look like you got into a fight with a spice weasel. BAM!"
He and Bender laughed at the little pun he made.
"It's not funny, Fry," Leela reprimanded. "For your information, your snoring kept waking me up. Plus I was on the hard floor, and next to Zapp, just my luck…"
"I'll say!" jeered Bender. "WOO!"
"Did I miss something?" asked Jade. "I know Fry was snoring, but what's all this about Zapp?"
"Speak of the devil…" muttered Leela, seeing Zapp and Kif entering the room.
"Ah, both the beautiful flowers of the team are awake," said Zapp. "Me and Leela. This is going to be one sexy mission…"
"Put a sock in it, fatso," snapped the cyclops.
"And I mean it too," added Fry. "If she hasn't had her coffee, she's like 'AAAAAAAAANNNNAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGNNNNNAAAANNNNAAAA! LEAVE ME ALONE!'" He felt a hand slap his face. "OW! See what I mean?" He poured himself a coffee.
"Captain, I am not feeling awake," said Kif. "May I have a coffee, sir?"
"No, Kif," replied the DOOP captain. "You make me a coffee. Double tall mocha latte with three sugars… cream… and don't skimp on the whipped cream. And put it in an actual coffee cup, not one of those Philip Fry-type Styrofoam cups."
Kif groaned.
"And don't forget to clean up the mess," added Zapp. "Now if you excuse me, I am going to go take a shower. Oh, and will you scrub all the places I can't reach?" He slung a towel over his shoulder and headed to the emergency chemical burn shower, which was the only shower in the entire office building.
Kif shuddered and began to search for an actual coffee cup.
Five minutes later, Jackie and the others were awake as well, with all the humans (except Uncle) raiding the coffee machine.
"UNCLE NEEDS HIS TEA!" griped Uncle. "WHERE THE GREEN TEA?"
"And where are the PRAWNS?" added Zoidberg. "Is it just so hard to get prawns?"
"You should have thought of that before you lost your $25," retorted Bender, snickering. "Wait a second… I could have bought more booze! GIVE ME THE $25!"
"People, people—er, robot, lobster, please, what are you fighting about?" asked Jackie, coming in between the two as if to intervene.
Bender sighed. "It's a long story that involved a bet… I bet $20 that you would win against the Dark Hand, and then Zoidberg bet $25 that the Dark Hand would win against you."
"You placed a bet on me?" Jackie sounded flattered.
"But the robutt beat me up! I won the bet, I did," insisted the lobster.
"No you didn't," argued the robot. "Now give me my booze money or you're pending for a bending!"
"Just try me, you—" Before Zoidberg could say anything, Bender bashed him over the head with Nibbler's food dish. The lobster fell to the ground.
"Well, dat got reed of our lobster problem," commented Hermes. "Nice work dere, Bender."
"Just doin' my job," said Bender, taking $25 out of Zoidberg's lab coat pocket. "And that's the end of that chapter." He stuffed the money into his compartment.
"Ah, my crew is up," said Zapp's voice from the doorway. The heads of everyone who was conscious turned to see Zapp and Kif standing in the doorway. Kif was holding a scrub brush and looking disgruntled; Zapp was completely naked except for his towel around his head.
Jackie clamped his hands over Jade's eyes.
"Oh lord…" muttered Leela. "Put on a towel, will you?"
"But I DID put it on…" replied Zapp with an air of seductiveness.
"I mean around your waist. It's bad enough that I have to look at your fat self without having to see your 'lower horn.' Now put some pants on and start initiating your plan before the world becomes vampire-ized!"
Hermes grinned. "Oooh, we don't want dat."
Zapp left the room to put on his uniform, making Kif follow. Jackie uncovered Jade's eyes, and Zoidberg regained his consciousness.
"You missed something wonderful, lobster boy," said Jade. "Luckily, you're not alone, as Jackie covered my eyes and made me miss it too." Man this sucks, she fumed to herself. What's the point of seeing the future if Jackie won't let me see anything? Stuck here with two old men and a drinking robot and an idiotic lobster and a ditz who can't help but get into some sort of trouble? Well even if I am in the future, I can still find the loophole when Jackie's on a mission…
Jackie opened his mouth, as if that thought was a cue. "Jaaade… remember, if I catch you hiding in the ship, you are going to be in the biggest trouble yet."
After Zapp put on his red uniform, he said, "Leela! I have chosen you to come with me on the mission. Three others can fit in the ship comfortably, four if we throw Kif out."
"I choose Fry to come with me," canvassed the cyclops. "Yes, sir, he's the universe's number-one delivery boy, though his coffee mug says differently…"
"I'm not going anywhere without my buddy," Fry chimed in. "Bender's joining us in our vampire-thwarting mission!"
"Plus," added Bender boastfully, "A little fire can show those fang-faces who's boss. And I'm a fire-belching machine! Observe!" He took a Lö Bräu beer out of the refrigerator, polished it off in one gulp, and belched a blaze of flames."
"Fine, the robot's in," agreed the DOOP's captain. He leaned in towards Fry and lowered his voice. "And remember, if you look at another woman during our mission, Leela will be mine."
"Fat chance," retorted the redhead. "But who else will go with us? Can I pick, please? Please?"
Zapp sighed. "Fine, Fry, as long as you make a choice that won't result in us being dead…"
Fry looked around the room, considering each person as a likely candidate. Professor… Uncle… Jade, who was running off to go somewhere… Hermes… Zoidberg…
"Ooh, ooh! Pick me, Fry! Pick Zoidberg!" The lobster raised his claw, hoping Fry would ask him to go along.
"I choose Jackie Chan!" exclaimed Fry. "If you ARE Jackie Chan. I heard he was just a head at the head museum—"
"I AM the real Jackie Chan…" said Jackie, sounding a bit exasperated.
"Well I choose you!" said Fry. "Then again, Zoidberg seemed to be a likely candidate…"
"Just choose Jackie," muttered Leela.
"Well, Kif, looks like our team is complete," said Zapp. "And now… let us go to our ship!"
"This is the ship?" asked Fry, looking at a tarnished aluminum contraption that looked like a larger (and longer) verson of a space pod and shaped roughly like a cross between a sausage and a shark (only it had a pointed nose for more speed), with giant glass windows on the front half and a huge rocket on the stern.
"Cozy… just the way I like it," said Zapp. "I give you the Cumulus. My personal transportational ship, when a normal space pod just won't do. It has all the comforts of home… a kitchen… bathroom… even a mini-Lovenasium especially for you and me, Leela." He clicked his tongue and put his arm around Leela's shoulder.
"Take it off, or I break it off," threatened the cyclops. "Plus, I have better things to do than go on a wild goose chase stuck in a ship with you, CAPTAIN."
"You've got us," Bender reminded her. "And we've got Fry for unlimited entertainment!"
"Guys, be serious," said Jackie, who seemed to be the only levelheaded one in this situation. "Do we want to defeat Myotismon or not?"
"I dunno," said the robot. "DO WE?"
Jackie sighed. Immature dunderheads, he thought to himself as he and the others climbed aboard. The interior was cozy and cramped. The pilot's podium stood at the front behind a control panel. Red couches lined the border, and there were two doors that led to either the kitchen or outside. There was even a television hanging from the ceiling. But that sure is an interesting ship.
Not too long afterwards, they passed the sign that read "Now Leaving the Sun's Solar System" in normal text, and underneath that in the alien code it read "If you were searching for puny humans, you missed Earth six planets ago."
"What did that alien code read?" asked Jackie.
"Well, there's no turning back now," said Zapp, who was piloting much to Leela's outrage. "We're on the skyway to wherever Myotismon is. Now if I were a vampire, where would I hide?…"
"Vampire planet?" wondered Fry. "Is there one? I mean, there's one for just about everything."
"I wish it were that easy, Fry," said Leela. "But vampires are just about everywhere after they all fled their planet."
"But Myotismon is from an entirely different dimension!" Jackie mentioned. "It's going to take a miracle to locate him! I mean, if there are God-knows-how-many planets out there, it would take a miracle to find him!"
Suddenly the TV flickered on, and the image of a shabbier-looking Mom came on. Her hair was out of place and her face was smudged, and she appeared to have something unidentifiable on her shoulder.
"HEY CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN! Are you there? I already wasted some of those damn minutes looking for you in the rest of that B. S. DOOP, but you weren't there!" she scolded.
"Hey, it's Mom!" exclaimed Bender. He waved. "Remember me, Mom? I'm your favorite robot! That mirror said so!"
"Cram it, metalhead," retorted Mom. "I want to talk to Zapp!"
"Why hello, Mom…" greeted the captain. "How are the kids?"
"Do I look like I give a crap about my children?" asked the old lady. "I've just been through the garbage-recycling plant and just barely escaped my death in a trash compactor, only to see my headquarters filled with a buttload of ugly horror crap. I suspect it was that Myotismon and his damned goons, changing my lair like that. I was going to give those bastards a piece of my mind, but they seem to have skipped town. Or Earth even."
"Watch your mouth!" reprimanded Jackie. "And you kissed your mother with that?"
"Hey, I never kissed my mother," said Mom. "And Zapp, if you don't make him shut the hell up, I'll never tell you about where that vampire is."
"Will do," replied Zapp. He nodded to Kif, who sighed and clamped his hands over Jackie's mouth. "So… where is Myotismon? Your headquarters?"
"The nice camera courtesy of Mom's Old-Fashioned Video Surveillance Unit will give you the answer, Captain Ignoramus." Mom pushed a button, and a black-and-white video played. On the video, Amy sat on top of the vampire's coffin in a crypt that was full of burning candles, wearing a revealing black dress and watching something in the door.
"AMY!" shouted Fry. "Is she OK?"
"She looks OK to me," answered Leela.
Suddenly, the lights dimmed in the room on the video, but everyone could see Amy clearly. Then another figure entered the room, which was Myotismon wearing nothing but a short black bathrobe and holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.
"Hey, he stole my idea for scoring Leela with the 'cham-pag-in!'" shouted Zapp. "And who is that? Is he getting her hammered so she won't know what to do when Myotismon comes for her?"
Jackie remained silent for a few seconds. "Uh… Captain Brannigan… that… IS… Myotismon."
"He's a lot more seductive than Zapp, that's for sure," commented Leela.
"You'd know that, right Leela? WOO!" Bender called out.
They watched in awe as the vampire poured him and Amy champagne, and then as they drank it they spoke in quiet voices, kissing occasionally.
"Wha— what's he doing to Amy?" Kif had tears in his eyes.
"Seducing her…" grumbled the blonde captain with an air of jealousy in his voice. "Is he going to… oh God, no!"
Myotismon stood up and undid his bathrobe, letting it drop to his feet. He was wearing nothing but a tight black leather thong, and looking quite good in it with his well-muscled figure. (Zapp looked remorsefully at his own fat potbelly at this point.) Then he took Amy into the coffin, and no one could see any activity for quite some time, but there were a few excited moans.
"Wha… HE'S MAKING SWEET LOVE TO MY AMY!" Kif threw himself onto the couch and cried.
"What are you crying for, Kif?" questioned Zapp. "I found someone who's a better ladies man than me! Look at him… his muscles… his hair… his seductive nature… all better than mine!"
Suddenly there came a knock on the door. Myo immediately leapt out of his casket and quickly put on his bathrobe and tied it. "Yes, come in…" he sighed. While he was talking one of his servants entered the crypt. "Just when I was about to turn her into a vampire, they come in and tell me something I don't want to hear…" he muttered. Then he began to speak. "What do you want, Valmont? Are you finally getting that wreched excess hair cut off? Or are you deciding to fire Finn and the others and replacing them with COMPETENT workers?"
"Neither," replied Valmont. "Myotismon… master… it's worse than we anticipated. The family Wong has sent out a search party to find us, and Amy. They have tracked us down and are closing in. So there are only two options for us, sadly. The first was Ratso's… stand here and take it like men, or in Larry's trivial opinion we can flee the city, or even the planet."
"He might have an actual plan for us…" said the vampire. "If we temporarily leave Earth and go to another planet and return when those pathetic humans least anticipate it… we shall leave tonight!"
"So… am I going to become a vampire tomorrow?" asked Amy, sitting up with the sheet concealing her front side.
"Exactly," replied Myotismon.
The video ended at that point.
"GET HIM AND MY SONS, YOU IDIOTS!" screamed Mom. "If you don't, I'm going to stick this video where the sun don't shine." That broadcast also concluded.
Jackie rolled his eyes. "This is asinine," he said. "I am obviously dreaming this. I am going crazy. Why would an old lady use curse words, and how come—"
"Nope, you're awake," said Fry. "I… just know these things."
"So where are we going to find Myotismon?" inquired Jackie. "Vampire planet?"
"No," replied Zapp. He stared ahead. "Such a ladies man would only take Amy to one planet. That would be Eros 69, the planet where all sexual desires are fulfilled. I myself asked to be one of the sexy men to arouse the ladies, but alas… I was too good for them."
"I wonder why," muttered Leela, very sarcastically.
"Oh boy! I wanna go right now!" shouted Fry. "I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait!"
"TO EROS 69!" shouted Zapp, steering the Cumulus towards the planet.
Their excited shouts turned into disappointed groans. A sign read "Eros 69—Next 4 Lanes", and underneath, those four lanes were congested with traffic that extended out of the solar system.
"Well it looks like we're in a traffic jam and won't get to Myotismon in time," said Jackie.
"Won't get to whaaaa…?" asked Zapp.
"This is pointless!" exclaimed Jackie. "Won't he be somewhere else?"
"I think I know…" said Kif. "Nightmarion 5 seems quite likely…"
"I agree with Kif," said Leela. "If he wants to lie low, he wouldn't go to what might be the most popular planet in the quadrant. He'd want to go to one no one would think of going near…"
Bender walked out of the room into the kitchen. "Man, all this travel is making me thirsty. I'm gonna get a beer." He closed the door and looked around the tiny kitchen for the refrigerator. As he got a cold bottle of Lö Bräu beer, he saw something move behind a sack of rations. "That had better not be Nibbler," he threatened. When the robot pushed the bag aside, he saw Jade grinning.
"Hi Bender, what's up?" she asked innocently.
"A stowaway, eh?" asked Bender. "I know just what to do about you. HEY CHAN! LOOK WHAT I FOUND ON THE SHIP! A little shrimp!"
Jackie came running into the kitchen. "Oh Jade…" he sighed. "I just do not know what to do with you. I told you—"
"You told me, and I quote, 'If I catch you hiding on the ship, you'll be in the biggest trouble yet.' And BENDER was the one who caught me hiding in the ship, so I guess I can't be in any trouble!" Jade smiled a toothy grin and closed her eyes, making an adorable face. "Another loophole found by Jade Chan!"
Jackie sighed. "Fine… you can come with us," he acquiesced. "I just wonder what Uncle will think about this…"
"WOOHOO!" squealed Jackie's niece. "Just like those space superheroes!"
The Cumulus sped off on a detour towards Nightmarion 5, with its seven passengers on board. Little would they know that the trip would take much longer than anticipated.
To be continued…