A/N: No, I am not dead!  (I was just dormant.)  I hope you like the beginning.  I sort of took it from the episode "The Farnsworth Parabox," but this time it actually has a point.  I might be considering a rating change if it gets too inappropriate for a PG rating, but I'll try to keep it as tame as possible.

Chapter 5

Saved by the Smell

  The light dimmed, and the temperature grew chilly.  Two seconds later, it brightened more than ever, and then the temperature grew to almost 80 degrees.  Dimmer, brighter, dimmer, brighter.  Hermes and Zoidberg looked up at the lights, wondering what the hell was up with the lighting fixtures.  (The Jamaican bureaucrat even glared at the lobster, suspecting he had something to do with this.)  Even Scruffy the janitor, who was interrupted while reading his "Zero-G Juggs" magazine, appeared perplexed.  No, it was not an imminent electrical outage; Uncle and the professor were fighting over the Chandelier-Mo-Stat.

  "THE LIGHT IS BLINDING ME!" hollered Uncle, turning the knob down to the dim and cool side.

  "The temperature is so cold, even I wouldn't go naked in it!" argued Professor Farnsworth, turning it back to the bright position.

  "NAKED?  Haaave you no decenceeeee?  THAT SIGN OF BAD CHIII!"

  "I've seen hoboes from the planet Pariah Zero who weren't as big freaks as you!  Fuff, talking about your… 'precious chi' all the time has rotted the brains right out of your ugly little head with its hair that looks as if you're constantly touching a PLASMA BALL."

  "YOU UGLY!  I've seen PRUUUNES less wrinkled than you!  And I eat pruuunes for BREAKFAST!"

  "Well no wonder you're always going to the toilet on a clockwork basis!  It's young whippersnappers like you who think just because your colons are properly functioning, you think you're 'all that.'  Well I tell you what, have you ever--"

  "Uh… would'joo mind keepin' th' volume turned way down?"  Scruffy's gruff voice interrupted the shouting match.  The two elderly men looked to see Scruffy, Hermes, and Zoidberg standing in the room near the doorway.  "I've been tryin' to watch ma stories an' read ma lit'rature."  His "Zero-G Juggs" magazine was rolled up in his hand.  "Dontcha be arguin' 'bout when ya go to the turlet when there's bigger fish ta fry."

  Professor Farnsworth took this opportunity to quickly turn the switch of the Chandelier-Mo-Stat to the brighter/warmer side.  Uncle glared at him and began shivering.  Hermes began to reprimand the two opponents.

  "Speaking of Fry, obviously SOMEONE is stinkin' up da place.  Eet all smells like GARLIC, and me knowledge of Fry tells me dat he cannot stand garlic.  Eet's either you…"  Hermes pointed at the professor, "…or you!"  He thrust a finger at Uncle, then began sniffing the air.  "UNCLE, GEET DAT AWFUL STENCH OUT OF DA OFFICE!  And you, professa.  Dis rivalry weeth Uncle has gone too far!  You are both acting like leetle children, and eet is forbeeden by Regulation 24.18C, ordering everyone to ACT DERE AGE!"

  All Zoidberg had to say was, "Finally!  They're not yelling at Zoidberg!"

  "Jade, Jade, Jade…" muttered Jackie from the room next to the kitchen.  "Outer space is no place for a nine-year old to travel, much less this newer New York City.  I mean, we could run into a crossing meteor—"

  "Wrong, Jackie," Leela pointed out from next to the window.  "There are regulation intergalactic highways where the chances of getting hit by a meteor are almost zero."  Outside the window, a passing Glagnar's Human Rinds truck collided head-on with a large meteor, which resulted in a huge, fiery explosion.

  "Or…"  the kung-fu fighter rubbed his chin.  "Or aliens could abduct you and probe you!"

  "Hey, I've been abducted and probed five times!" exclaimed Fry, who was sitting on a beanbag chair and watching TV.  He had taken his jacket off.  "Sure, it takes you by surprise the first time, but by the third time you get used to it.  Nothing bad's happened to me."  He got up, scratched his butt, and headed for the kitchen.  Jackie winced as he saw probe scars covering Fry's lower back.  "They didn't even brain my damage," he added.

  "And weirdos at every corner!" continued Jackie, pointing at a hookerbot who was smoking a cigarette as she stood on an asteroid.

  "Hey, I've spent the night with half those hookerbots!" exclaimed Bender.  "Don't you be callin' em weirdos; they know how to please a manbot!"

  "But they're COOL!" insisted Jade.

  Bender's eyes widened.  "You know the hookerbots?  Can ya give me their numbers?"

  "No, not the whadayacallits," argued Jade, shaking her head.  "The meteors, the aliens, the weirdos, the spaceships, the UFO's, the planets, the robots, New York City… all of it!  I wanna see it all!  All those times I tagged along with you before— stealing the Snake Talisman from the museum with you and Viper, seeing the fight between you and that pansy El Toro up close and personal, going to Fort Knox and fooling the guards and taking the Dragon Talisman away from Valmont before he stole all that gold, and don't forget using the Sheep Talisman to turn into a ghost and getting into Melvin World for free!"

  "Pshuh.  I got into this 'melvin world' for free every day," scoffed Fry, who had returned from the kitchen with a bag of Soylent Doritos.  "In elementary school.  I got at least three melvins a day."

  "No, I wasn't talking about wedgies," said Jade.  "I'm talking about a moose!"

  Fry looked baffled.  "They gave mooses wedgies?  How did they get the underpants to fit them?"

  Suddenly, there came a crashing noise, and the Cumulus began spinning around at breakneck speed, hurtling into the void of space like a boomerang.  Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, and Zapp got plastered against the walls from the force of the collision.  After two minutes, it ceased and the Cumulus hovered in the void of uncharted space.  Everyone dropped to the floor, the humans slightly green.  Bender and Zapp were the only ones who seemed completely intact.  "Bad news, crew," said Zapp, standing up and dusting his red uniform off.  "I'm afraid we've been blown off course."

  "How can we get blown off course without any wind in outer space?" asked Leela, her eye half-closed in exasperation.  She, Fry, Bender, Jackie, and Jade stood up as well.

  "Or… knocked off course, I forget which one.  Anyway, all I know is that we got hit by one of those damned meteors and got a really nasty dent, possibly a fender bender, in my beautiful manly ship.  We got spun around, and all I know is…" he paged through the Universal Geographic Atlas of the Universe, "… our coordinates are currently uncharted."

  "Let me see that," muttered Leela, snatching the atlas away and paging through it.  "My God, I think we ARE in an uncharted region!  I tell you, once those cartographers know Eros 69 is ahead, they pay no attention to anything else…"

  "So we're lost in space?"  Jade hugged Jackie, her lower lip quivering.  Jackie tried not to look afraid, but inside he was terrified.

  "Relax, Jade," Leela assured her, placing her hand on the child's shoulder.  "Everyone's been lost in space at one time or another.  It's part of being a pilot, just like an encounter with space banditos, or a drive-by shooting from the Robot Mafia, or going on an escapade through the digestive tract of a carnivorous blind space slug."

  "Man, those three days inside the slug were a blast," reminisced Fry.  His personal reply was getting hit on the head by an annoyed-looking Leela.

  "Shut up, Fry."

  Zapp, acting like a competent captain for the first time… well… ever, strode over to the video phone and punched in a number.  A bored-looking Neptunian woman with a gaudy platinum-blonde updo who was blowing a bubble-gum bubble and filing her crimson-polished nails answered.

  "Universal Travel Helpline, this is Andromeda speaking, how may I help you?" she asked, sounding as if she were reciting from a textbook, not looking up from her nail filing.  She punched in something on a keyboard with her two free hands.

  Zapp made a smile so sweet it could have even made Bender want to vomit.  "Why… hello, Andromeda.  My, you're looking sexy today…"

  "Cut to the chase; I'm a very busy Neptunian," dictated the blue alien, a hint of vexation in her voice.  "You want help on the road or should I just hang up?"

  "No!  No no no!"  Zapp shook his hands at the camera in protest.  "Look, you better get some help fast… my ship broke down somewhere outside…"  His voice became a whisper.  "…Eros 69."  Seeing that Andromeda was not receptive, he sighed in relief.

  "So you and possibly some of your perverted friends got horny, big deal," muttered the Neptunian sarcastically.  "Where are you exactly?  What's wrong with your ship?  What's it look like?  What's your name?"

  Zapp was trapped.  If they found out his name, the tabloids would have a field day.  "Uh… I don't know exactly!  We were spun off course when a meteor hit our ship!  The Cumulus!"

  Andromeda looked at her computer.  "Well we don't have that ship name on the GPS— Galactical Positioning System—user list.  And since we don't know where to find you, well… good luck trying to fix your ship!"  The video phone turned off.

  "Well, we're boned," said Bender facetiously.  "Yes, my friends, we are boned.  Boned, we are.  Nosotros somos boned.  We're boned—"

  "You're not helping, Bender," berated Jackie.  "Can't someone familiar with the ship go out there and fix it?"

  "Right," said Zapp.  "KIF!  GO OUT THERE AND FIX THE SHIP!"

  Meanwhile, the five who remained at the office were going through some problems of their own.  Professor Farnsworth had to put up with Uncle, Uncle had to survive the company of the professor, Hermes and Zoidberg (who had temporarily called a truce between themselves) had to endure both of the egotistic seniors, and Scruffy thought he had it the worst because he was a janitor.  Currently they were in Farnsworth's invention room.

  "See?" boasted the professor.  "I have invented more than you, and made more money to boot!"

  "Not much, I see…" murmured Uncle.  "The only ANTIQUE you know about is YOURSELF!"

  "But have you ever singlehandedly built a working delivery ship and invented over 100 fancy gadgets AND managed your own delivery company?"

  "But I'm da manager!" Hermes reminded the professor.

  "Yes, Hermes, we all have wishful thinking," the professor said as if consoling him.  "It's better than owning one of those junk stores like those ones in the politically-correct 'Oriental-American Living and Shopping District!'  Oh come on, I mean we've all seen antique shops.  They're the most common business in New New York, next to Sexatoriums.  But intergalactic delivery companies… those sure are one of a kind!  Especially one owned by someone who invented THIS!"  He pulled a white bedsheet off of a large telescope with two viewing holes instead of one.

  Uncle went "Phht!" skeptically.  "There is no joy in faulty telescopes!  The TRUE pleasure is selling authentic bronze statues from as far back as the Zhou Dynasty!"

  "This is NOT a faulty telescope, you blockhead!  This is the Smell-O-Scope, designed exclusively for tracking the scents of heavenly bodies, and even the distinct odors and aromas of my crew!"  He pushed Uncle towards the Smell-O-Scope and forced the tubes into his nostrils.  A small portion of the ceiling and force field opened, and the lens extended through the hole.

  "IT SMELLS TERRIBLE!" screamed Uncle, leaping away.  "It's uncomfortable and unsanitary and disgustiiing!"

  "Oh, flimflam," scoffed Professor Farnsworth.  "Everyone who's had a nose in this office used it."  He sniffed it.  "See, I'll point it at the planets with the most interesting bouquets."  He cranked it in some directions.  "Here's Jupiter.  It smells like strawberries."

  "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MEEEE?  I'm allergic to strawberries!"

  "Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe…"  The lens moved upwards and to the left.  "This one is the intergalactic bazaar… it smells different every day!"

  "BAZAARS ARE NOTHING BUT CHEESY FLEA MARKETS!  Ripping off of wholesome antique shops!"

  "Well, what about Sicily 8?  Mmmmmm… smells like cannoli today!  And here are the smouldering remains of Vergon 6… oooh, that's almost off the funk-ometer!  And Chapek 9 always has the most interesting smell of valve oil…  Or how about this bawdy planet in another quadrant… Eros 69, I believe it's called.  I am popular with the ladies there…"  He grinned, but then his face fell.  "Vodka and robot oil?  My God, that's Bender!  And there's Leela with the smell of cosmetics and the distinctive hint of sweaty boot rash… and Fry!"  He shuddered.  "I know THAT odor anywhere!  But why is my crew on the way to Eros 69?"

  "Dey're gonna get a talking to…" muttered Hermes, taking the Smell-O-Scope and sniffing.  "But dey're not moving!  And according to dis, da smell of strong perfume and candles are too far away for dem to be on Eros 69 right now…"

  Suddenly the video-phone went off downstairs, and the Jamaican manager dashed down to answer it.  "Hello, Planet Express deleevery company," he said benevolently.  "Our crew ees replaceable, your package eesn't!"

  "HERMES!" shouted Fry.  "Thank God you're here!  The Cumulus got hit by a meteor and now we're stuck in the uncharted region near Eros 69!  And I don't like this one bit… Zapp's starting to give me suspicious glances!"

  "What were ya doing near Eros 69?  Taking a leetle break?"

  "No no no, I swear!" exclaimed the redhead.  "Look, we passed it while searching for Myotismon and the Dark Hand and now our ship is broken down and we don't know where to go, and the lady on the other end of some hotline can't help us!  Hermes, I NEED you guys to save our butts before someone kills someone!"

  The video phone turned off, and Hermes walked upstairs.  "Everyone, dey need us to save dem… dey're lost in some uncharted region… where's da map?  I had eet right on da table, right next to Zoidberg."  He pointed to the table that was supposed to have the map of the universe on it, but it was absent.

  "What map?" asked Zoidberg, a piece of the map poking out between his mouth flaps.  Then he gulped it down, and Hermes glared at him.  "I thought it was my dinner," he admitted.

  "Well, dere goes our map," said Hermes.  "Now how weel we find dem?"

  The professor's eyes lit up under his glasses.  "I know!  We'll use the Smell-O-Scope!"

  "That is the DUMBEST IDEAAAA—"

  "No, Uncle, da professa has a good idea!" exclaimed Hermes.  "We con follow Fry's, Leela's, and Bender's scents to dere location.  Eet weel be easy, since dere not going anywhere and dere smells never change.  We'll take eet to da sheep and point it out da weendow and one person weel smell eet unteel we geet dere!"

  "Well, then, let's pack up, everyone," said Professor Farnsworth.

  "Has anyone seen Jade?" questioned Uncle.  His reply was a quick "No."

  "Scruffy seen someone," replied Scruffy, who was leaning on the stick of his broom.  "I seen a black-haired cutiepie run outdoors an' into th' fancy-shmancy ship b'fore anyones could sees her."

  "That must be Jade!" shouted Uncle.  "Quick, quick, load up the ship!  NOW!"

  Back in the Cumulus…

  "So Fry, did you get help?" wondered Leela.

  "Yeah, but it was just Hermes.  He didn't seem to help at all," replied Fry.  "But what the hell is this place, anyway?  It feels like the Bermuda Triangle.  I mean, what if we get lost here and can't escape?"  His eyes widened and he placed his hands against the window.  "It's awful… trapped for eternity with everyone here… and when we run out of food we'll have to EAT EACH OTHER!  My God… what if this was a BLACK HOLE?"

  "Relax, Fry," said Leela.  "No one is going to have to eat anyone.  If Hermes told the others where to find us, then they're on their way right now.  I mean, they know where Eros 69 is.  They have a reliable map by Rand McNagnax.  And besides, this can't be a black hole.  If it were, we'd all have been crushed to death right now."

  Jade jumped up.  "Look!  Look!"  She pointed to the window.  "There's something coming to help us!  No, two somethings!  Wait, there's more!  And they're coming towards us!"

  Zapp got out of his fetal position on the floor and quit blubbering.  "Really?  Someone's helping us?  We're SAVED!"  He kissed Leela on the cheek.  "WOOHOO!"

  Leela slapped the blonde captain across the face as Kif entered the room.  He looked as if he had been crying for hours over the loss of his Amy.  "Hey Kif, you feeling better?"

  "Yes… I think I am…" replied Kif quietly.  "I… still miss Amy, though…"

  "We all miss Amy," said Fry.  "Hey, maybe they're here to bring her back too!  I mean, they ARE riding on ponies with black ponchos, and Amy loves ponies, right?"  He paused.  The sound of maraca music started playing faintly in the background.  "Say Zappster, are there any rattlesnakes on board?"

  "A RATTLESNAKE?!"  Zapp looked frightened.  "Where?  Where?  Where?"  He started running around.

  "No, wait…"  Jackie analyzed the sound.  "It sounds more like… maracas?"

  Leela's face fell.  "Oh God!  It's worse than we thought!"  She looked out the window.  "SPACE BANDITOS!  And they're headed straight for us!"

To be continued…