A/N: Hello again! I apologize for my delay. This chapter has a bit of comic mischief and a reference to a certain bodily excretion, which are the most offensive elements in here. Anyway, the "space banditos" were referenced to in the Futurama episode "The Lesser of Two Evils" (the one when Bender's twin Flexo helps them deliver a million-dollar atom to a beauty pageant) but never made an appearance. I also make a SPAM joke in this chapter— look for it! And now, it is time for fulfilling your crossover needs with Chapter 6 out of 15 (as in, this story will have fifteen chapters). Enjoy!
Chapter 6
Space Banditos! (And Other Stuff)
The space banditos, Mexican bandits dressed in black space suits, black masks, and red ponchos, were mounted on black horses wearing black ponchos, space helmets, and jet packs. They had surrounded the Cumulus, and the sound of maracas resonated in the room.
"SPACE BANDITOS? SPACE BANDITOS? AAAAAAAAAAH!" Zapp tried to dive under the couch, but his gut got him stuck. Then he tried to hide under a table next to the couch, curling himself up and biting his nails. "I want my mommy!" he squeaked.
Bender began running around. "Quick, Leela! Save my banjo! Give them anything but my banjo!"
"How about that washboard you kept saying you'd play but never did?" wondered Fry, but nobody was listening.
"Guys?" asked Jade.
Leela threw up her hands in exasperation. "Relax, Bender, your stupid banjo is safe, given it's in your stomach compartment."
"Yes, but what if they take me?" asked Bender, lengthening his arms and wrapping them around Leela. Her face turned beet red and her eye bulged out. "Leela, if I am taken, promise you and Fry will avenge me and my banjo!"
"Heyyyy, how come you won't avenge me?" interrogated Fry.
"Guys?" Jade asked, a little louder and more annoyedly.
"Are you a BANJO?" the robot sarcastically asked the redhead, squeezing Leela even harder.
"Jade, please stop bothering us when we're trying to find a way to get rid of these silly space banditos or whatever they are," reprimanded Jackie. "Why you didn't stay back at the Planet Express where it's safe, it gets me."
Fry glared at Bender. "Geez, my holophoner costs a jillion times more than your stupid banjo and can play a bazillion times better music, and I'm not worried about it. I'm not all 'Save my holophoner! Save my holophoner!' What is it with you and folk music, anyway? I thought you hated it!"
Bender's arms retracted back to their normal length. He was caught. He looked at Fry and racked his excuse files for something to change the subject in this awkward moment.
"GUYS?" Jade appeared impatient as everyone looked at her. Jade pointed to her right. "The space burritos are here!"
And they were. There were five of them in all: a fat one, a short one, a very tall and very skinny one, one with big muscles, and a medium one who appeared to be the ringleader. They all had black hair, black mustaches, and tan skin, donned in black matador costumes and black masks.
"Allow us to introduce ourselves," said the leader, with a very heavy Spanish accent. "This is Pico," he introduced, pointing to the short one. "Gordo," he continued as he pointed to the fat one. "Strongo." That was the muscle man. "Roberto." That one was the very tall and skinny space bandito, who was so tall he could barely fit into the room. "And I am Don Carlos, their leader." Don Carlos pointed to himself. A guitar chord sounded in the background. "We are your worst fear, from the Planet of Mexican Stereotypes. We are… LOS SPACE BANDITOS!" The background guitar began playing again. [A/N: It's a movie, remember?]
"Now stick 'em up and give us all your loot!" said Pico in his unnaturally high voice.
Fry, Leela, Kif, Jackie, and Jade immediately raised their hands. Zapp whimpered under the table and covered his eyes. "If I can't see them, they can't see me!" he mumbled.
"Bite my shiny metal ass!" retorted Bender, thrusting his butt in their direction.
Roberto took his gun and shot it at the robot. The bullet bounced off his butt, ricocheted off the floor and onto the lamp, hit the bulletproof glass window, zoomed into the kitchen, quickly bounced off the various appliances, and back into the room. At that point it hit a framed photograph of Zapp… right between the eyes.
Zapp began to cry. "I… I LOVED THAT PICTURE! Leela, my love, do something!"
Leela and Jackie rolled their eyes.
"We can take them together," said Leela. "I took martial arts at the orphanarium, and these Mexican stereotypes don't look like they know much about kung fu. I'll take the muscled one."
"I'll take the fat guy," added Jackie.
"Dios mio!" interjected Don Carlos. "Get them, muchachos!"
Strongo and Gordo advanced on Leela and Jackie, but the two of them were prepared. They kicked their targets in the face as Don Carlos snuck past them, into the kitchen, past a dozing Nibbler in the bedroom, and into the engine room. Strongo made a knuckle sandwich, but the cyclops slammed it down onto the table Zapp was hiding under. ("It slipped," she said airily while explaining it later.) Jackie kicked Gordo in the stomach, but since he was so fat Jackie's foot got stuck in the blob.
"HELLO? Talisman power!" Jade blurted out.
"You have TALISMANS, you say?" asked Roberto. "Where are they? Where are they?"
Zapp squealed like a little girl.
Roberto reached into Jackie's pocket and pulled out the Tiger Talisman. "Ay chihuahua! A talisman worth millions! Don Carlos will be pleased."
Jade clenched her fists. "Nobody steals talismans and gets away with it! Heeya!" She kicked Roberto in the knees, and she caught the talisman after he dropped it. He bounced up and down and banged his head against the ceiling. Roberto was out cold.
"Duuuh… you can't beat STRONGO!" exclaimed the strongman. Though he was formidable, he was unintelligent.
"Yes I can!" retorted Leela. "I have the will of a warrior! Hi-YA!" She climbed onto a chair, flipped backwards, and hit Strongo over the face four times—twice with her feet and twice with each hand. For a finale, she punched him in the stomach, and he fell onto Roberto. "Ow…"
Meanwhile, Jackie had troubles with Gordo, but he led him on a chase through the ship into the bedroom. Gordo entered the room, sweaty and stuffing his face with rations. He looked around and saw a chandelier, so he led Gordo on a chase around the room—knocking over a statue or two of Zapp in the process—until the fat bandito grew so exhausted he flopped down onto the floor. Jackie seized this opportunity to leap from the chandelier onto Gordo, where he managed to temporarily knock him out. He arrived back into the main room, where Pico lay on the floor with a big lump on his head.
"He tried to take my banjo," explained Bender.
Don Carlos left the engine room, carrying a sack stuffed full or something. He kicked Gordo and said, "Gordo, muchacho, wake up! Quit being so lazy and start being a competent bandito!"
Inside the Planet Express ship, the professor looked through a telescope in their direction. "My goodness, I see them!" he exclaimed. "It looks like they are surrounded by space banditos!"
"Well, why don't we do anything about iiiit?" whined Uncle.
"Uncle, dese are SPACE BANDITOS we're talking about," Hermes pointed out. "Eet's not like dey're Girl Scouts deemanding you buy dere cookies. Dat's what keeled da fourth crew, you know…"
"But delicious, those cookies were," reminisced Zoidberg. He slurped through his mouth flaps. "BUY MORE COOKIES, DAMMIT!"
Professor Farnsworth peered through the telescope again. "Oh my, it looks like they are in big trouble. I suppose we could do something to help… although I am already in my pajamas…"
"Where are da Space Cabarellos when you really need dem?" asked Hermes.
Meanwhile, on the Planet of Mexican Stereotypes…
"No, WE are the best space heroes on this el planeto!" argued one of the three Space Cabarellos.
"No no no, yo soy the best," protested Space Zorro.
"No, WE are the greatest!"
"No, Space Cabarellos, it is I, Space Zorro!"
On the sidelines during this arguing match, the Taco Bell Chihuahua remarked, "This is mucho loco!"
"I see you have won," said Don Carlos to the crew, seeing his defeated fellow banditos. "It is time we take our leave! Until we meet again… HASTA LA VISTA!" With a swish of his cape, he and the Space Banditos disappeared, the music of maracas waning and drifting off into the distance.
"…Are they gone?" asked Zapp.
Kif sighed. "Yes, captain."
"THANK GOD!" He flopped down onto the floor. His hair stood on end.
"Now that that's over, can we leave?" asked Jackie. "What if Myotismon already took over by now?"
"Who's Myotismon? Another space bandito?" asked Zapp.
Kif looked at Jackie. "I apologize for the jackass's idiotic behavior… his mental capacity is at an all-time low when he gets frightened. Now let us leave before more space banditos arrive. I finished fixing everything that the meteor hit. So it's safe to run."
"I'll operate," said Leela. She turned the key in the ignition, and the ship started up. And then it shut down, going completely dark. "What the hell happened?" she wondered.
"I… I don't know," stammered Kif. "I never did anything wrong in fixing the Cumulus before. I know the Cumulus from bow to stern and what to do if maintenance is needed. But…"
"I think we ran out of fuel or something," said Fry.
Jade ran in from the engine room. "Uh, guys? I was looking around and saw that there's nothing for the engine to run on! Is there a gas station around here?"
Leela paced for three seconds before she realized something. "Fuel? The ship needs fuel! I brought Nibbler aboard, so we have a source!" She ran into the bedroom to retrieve her Nibblonian.
"The only problem is, how do we get him to take a dump?" asked Bender.
"Yeah, doesn't he have to eat a million pounds of animals before he does his business?" asked Fry. "And didn't he last eat last night?"
"Oh…" Leela arrived, holding a ravenous and weak Nibbler in her arms. "The poor little thing is hungry, and he doesn't eat people food!"
"But he ate the special birthday cake I made him," argued Bender.
"I said, he doesn't eat people food!" repeated the cyclops. "Bender, you make food unfit for all humans to eat. Make something for Nibbler to eat."
Bender reached into his stomach compartment and pulled out a chef's hat and an apron that said "Kiss the Cooking Unit." "I'll get to it, meatbags! And I'll make a little something for you too." He strolled into the kitchen, and ten seconds later he shouted, "HEY!"
"What is it, Bendmeister?" asked Jade.
"Some jerk ate all the food in here!" complained the robot, sticking his head into the room. "All there is is these!" He held out a tray of cánapés with pink and brown spreads on them. "It looks like people food to me."
"Ah, those would be my *horse doovers,*" said Zapp. (Actually, what he meant was "hors d'ouvres.") "They're just *ca-NAPEs*, nothing fancy like *quitchee* or *pet-it fores* or whatever. I ate all the ones with cheese on them, so all you have are the ones with *pat-ee* and SPAM on them."
Fry's stomach growled. "Man, I'm hungry. I don't mind if I do." He reached for a toast wedge with SPAM on it.
"Fry, I wouldn't eat those if I were you…" warned Leela.
Fry had finished his first cánapé and stuffed nine more into his mouth. "Why?" he asked, his mouth full of spiced ham. "These are actually delicious!" He swallowed. "Yummy!"
"You'll be sorry," admonished Leela. "You will…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Fry. "GET THEM AWAY! GET THEM AWAY!"
Everyone turned their heads to see the delivery boy swatting away ten of those notorious advertisements found in email messages that flew around him like a swarm of flies. They consisted of ads for get-rich-quick schemes, novelty products, weight-loss formulas, and half of them were for Viagra.
"What's going on?" asked Jade.
"I tried to warn him…" sighed Leela. "But Fry ate ten cánapés with SPAM on them… it is SPAM, you know…"
"Can somebody HELP ME HERE?" asked Fry, swatting at an advertisement that screamed "Lose those extra pounds in a month!"
"Hey, doesn't this get them away?" wondered Jade. She pushed a button that said "Unsubscribe" on it, and that ad disappeared.
Leela looked horrified. "No. NO! JADE CHAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? You let the SPAM know Fry exists, so now they're bombarding him with their ads! DUCK!" She dived behind the couch, followed by Jackie and Jade. Bender ran into the kitchen, and Zapp looked around before standing upright and covering his head with a lampshade. It was just in the nick of time, because the ten ads had multiplied into one hundred, a few of which were forwards, and all of which were shouting messages at a cowering Fry.
"Lose up to thirty pounds in thirty days, GUARANTEED!"… "Flat broke? Click here to make cash fast, with no obligation!"… "Buy four ink cartridges for just $5.95!"… "Buy Dr. Flimflam's patented weight-loss pills and watch that blubber just melt away!"… "Someone on the Net is interested in you!"… "SpoonMe.com: the virtual dating and courting service!"… something in alien code… "Human Horn: on sale at The Beast With Two Bucks for only two bucks a horn! Horns with zits only half price!"… "Fwd: DON'T DELETE! AN ORPHAN WITH THREE EARS NEEDS YOU!"…
"Don't let them know you're there!" shouted Leela. "If you don't bother them, they won't bother you!"
Finally, after five minutes, the final SPAM message disappeared into thin air. The others emerged from their hiding places to see Fry curled up on the floor, shaking and clutching his hair.
"There's so many…" he muttered. "There's just too many… they're out to get me!"
Leela and Jackie helped him up and set him onto the couch.
"Don't worry," Jackie reassured the delivery boy. "There isn't any more SPAM out to attack you."
Fry looked at Jackie and saw Jackie's face as an emoticon. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" he cried, then fainted on the floor.
"Oh Fry…" muttered Leela, shaking her head.
"They're over here! No… over here!" Professor Farnsworth pointed the Smell-O-Scope in different directions, and Hermes piloted the ship in different directions. Everywhere it swerved, ten-ship pileups occurred. "Oh my, this road sure is full of accidents, isn't it?" he asked the pilot. "We must be really, really careful."
"YOU CALL YOURSELF A NAVIGATORRRRR?" whined Uncle. "YOU CALL THIS A SHIIIIIIP? WHERE THE ROOM FOR CHI SPELLS? Seatbelts never buckle! This ship too fast to see planets! And where is FOOOOD?"
"The human is right!" added Zoidberg. "Where are the prawns? Don't you care about Zoidberg?"
Nobody paid attention.
"Why doesn't anyone else care for Zoidberg? Zoidberg is important!" As the lobster ranted, everyone else left the room. "Why doesn't—where did everybody go?" He flapped his mouth flaps in disappointment. "Oh…"
In the Planet Express ship kitchen, Hermes decided to discuss important matters with the two elders. "Oh-kee. According to da Smell-O-Scope, da coordinates of Zapp's sheep is somewhere around here, posseebly off da road or traveling through da digesteeve tract of a space slug." He hung his head as if in mourning. "God save dose poor doomed bahstards. *tsk tsk tsk*" Hermes walked away, clicking his tongue.
"Come on! Remember our slogan, Hermes! Our crew is replaceable, your package is not! Besides, if we ever get find the ship in the slug's entrails, maybe we can get that other crew from when the Omicronians attacked. If only I remembered that blonde's number…"
"Professor!" Zoidberg poked his head into the kitchen. "I saw their ship! It was being attacked by space banditos, it was."
"That's nice," said the professor, shaking his hand. "Now talk to the hand 'cause the head's not listening!"
"Hee professa, I just saw da sheep! Eet's on da side of the road and was just attacked by space banditos!"
"SPACE BANDITOS! Oh dear God, I'm so glad you found them!" exclaimed the professor. "Thank you, Hermes!"
Once again, the lobster was crestfallen.
All Fry saw was black. Then he felt like he was being shaken, and then he heard a voice saying, "Fry… Fry… hey buddy, wake up!" There was a pause, and then, "Eh, he ain't wakin' up. I don't think he'll mind if I steal his wallet."
Not my wallet! That has incriminating photographs in it! the redhead thought. He stirred and swatted at air, attempting to hit whoever was trying to swipe his wallet.
"Bender, he's awake!" Leela's voice pointed out. "Give him some air!"
"NOT MY WALLET!" screamed Fry, sitting up to see Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, Zapp, and Kif leaning over him. Zapp was actually filing his nails, while the rest appeared concerned. "That has incriminating photographs in it!"
"You mean the ones where I ran your clothes up the flagpole and you're naked on the sidewalk and jumping up trying to get them?" asked Bender. "Everyone knows about those. I entered them as an entry the World's Dumbest People contest, and they won first place!" He opened his stomach compartment to reveal a duplicate of the photo stuck to the side with a magnet, along with a blue ribbon attached to it.
There was a crash against the side of the Cumulus. The impact was not as hard as the meteor and did not blast them farther into the depths of uncharted space.
Zapp whipped his head around. "What's going on? More space banditos? AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIII!!!" He dived behind the couch.
"No," said Leela, "there aren't any maracas. It looks like there's someone next to us!" She looked out the window, and there was the side of the Planet Express ship.
"Correction! It looks like there's someone WITH you! And it looks like you humans got good company, you do." Zoidberg entered the main room of the Cumulus and waved. He was followed by Hermes, then Professor Farnsworth, then Uncle.
"We're here to get you out of dis awful place," added Hermes.
"Could you help us fight Myotismon?" asked Jade. "Please?"
"No, we're just here to help you," said the professor. "I'd love to, but I'm wearing my driving thong and not my fighting thong."
"Me too," Hermes chimed in, "but I have paperwork to catch up on. Just some weels in case you don't come back…"
"I'm on the CHI side!" Uncle screamed. "I WILL NEVER FIGHT!"
"And I have so many patients to heal and FRIENDS to see!" said Zoidberg. "Finally, a meal!"
"Speaking of meals, does anyone have any food for Nibbler?" asked Leela. "We're out of fuel, and all the Cumulus runs on is dark matter. The only way to obtain any is to get Nibbler to drop a steamer."
Fry sighed. "I'll go take him for a walk. He always drops steamers on the sidewalk. I'm $385.92 in debt from failure to scoop all those times."
"No, we need animals. He won't poop unless he eats an animal," Leela pointed out. "A nice, juicy, delicious animal. Like… say… a Vampire Slug, or a Hermaphlamingo, or a Windy Shrimp, or an Octoparrot, or something as simple as a zebra or a lion or an alligator or a frog or a lobster."
"Gotta scuttle," said Zoidberg. He scuttled back to the Planet Express ship, going "wubwubwub wub" like Curly (the stooge) as he did so.
"I… er… also have to go," added Kif. He ran to the Lovenasium and hid under the bed with the aphrodesiacs.
The professor, Uncle, and Hermes also left.
"Good luck, employees!" Professor Farnsworth called back, waving.
The Planet Express ship zoomed into the distance.
"Well that's just our luck!" shouted Leela, stamping her foot. "They didn't even give us that smorgasbord of food they usually keep in the refrigerator! Did they think we were going to feed THEM to Nibbler? Well, maybe Zoidberg, but nobody else."
At that point, Jade remembered the talismans. She pulled on Jackie's shirt tail and whispered something into his ear.
"That just might work, Jade. Good idea," praised Jackie. Jade beamed as Jackie handed her the Monkey Talisman.
"Behold, the Monkey Talisman!" exclaimed Jade. The others turned to look. "It has the power to turn ANYTHING into an animal! Bring me anything you don't need, and I'll turn it into Nibbler's favorite animals."
"Allow me," said Leela. "I know everything Nibbler likes." She took the talisman out of Jade's hand and examined it.
Zapp left the room. "I have a bunch of aphrodesiacs that failed to work! Let me get them!" He left the room, then returned armed with all the aphrodesiacs and "toys" from under his bed. "Unfortunately, I am in no need of these and am willing to part with them."
Leela pointed the talisman at each toy and shouted something different. "Make it a Sharktopus! Make it a Hermaphlamingo! Make it the fattest pig in the universe! Make it a mountain goat! Make it a sloth! (They may be slow, but they sure can be fast movers!)"
And so it went. Nibbler's mouth watered, then he gobbled down every animal that the Monkey Talisman brought forth. Finally, he finished the last morsel of zebra, and he fell onto the floor and let out a small belch. Leela rubbed his distended belly in affection.
"Aw… someone liked his feast!" she purred affectionately. "Come on, digest it quickly!"
Everyone waited. Suddenly Nibbler stood up and looked as if he needed to go to the bathroom. He ran to the engine room, about to drop a pile of steamers.
"SOMEONE TURN OFF THE ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY!" shouted Leela. "QUICK!"
*KABOOM!* Luckily, Kif hit the gravity switch in the nick of time. The crew floated to the engine room to see six steamers floating around the room. Nibbler pointed to his droppings and said something in his high voice.
"Nibbler! You did it!" Leela hugged her pet. "Thank you!" She turned to Bender. "Bender, you put the steamers into the engine. We have enough to keep the ship going for a month at least!"
The robot grumbled, but he threw all six of the Nibblonian droppings into the furnace, then closed the door. The fire flared in a blaze of blue-hot flames, and the Cumulus shot off into the distance like an athlete who had just gotten a second wind.
"Jade, you saved the day!" exclaimed Leela. "I could never thank you enough!" She hugged Jade in gratitude, followed by Fry, then Jackie.
"Oh geez, do I have to?" asked Bender. Then he saw Jade's puppy-dog eyes, and if he had a heart it would have melted. "Aw…" He hugged Jade as well.
Jade beamed from ear to ear. "No problem!" she exclaimed.
"Celebration *cham-pag-in*?" asked Zapp, bringing in a bottle of champagne and four glasses. He offered one to Fry, Leela, and Jackie. Jackie turned it down.
"May I have some, captain?" asked Kif.
"Nah, more for me," said Zapp, pouring the champagne into the glasses. Bender took the bottle. "A toast… to my manly ship!" Zapp raised his glass.
"To adventure!" added Jade.
"To Nibbler!" Leela chimed in.
"To expensive alcohol!" Bender raised the entire bottle and began polishing it off.
"To Amy, wherever she is," murmured Kif.
"To Leela, and spending quality time with her!" exclaimed Fry.
"Wait," said Zapp. "Can I change mine?"
"To defeating Myotismon," said Jackie, sounding very austere.
"MYOTISMON???!!! Aw geez, can't ya just give it a rest?" complained Bender. "Can't a robot just enjoy his champagne without worrying about that stupid vampire?"
Apparently not… thanks to Jackie. The ship headed farther into deep space. Unbeknownst to the crew, this matter would not be as frivolous as they think…
To be continued…