A/N: I apologize for the delay! I'm so sorry! Pocky (Japanese dessert that's really good) for everybody for being so patient with me! I'm in Forensics and the spring play and was working on a comic (which might go up on my website if I can put Myo in there somehow :D) Speaking of Myotismon, HE'S IN HERE!!!!!! You have waited and waited and now here's a treat for the fans of Myo and Amy and the Dark Hand! Anyway, I gave this story a rating change to be safe because the humor's a little dirty, I guess. If it's more deserving of a PG rating, then I might change it back. Anyway, prepare for a chapter with plenty of Myo AND (IMHO) memorable Zapp quotes!!! :) Enjoy!!!!
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Chapter 7
Royally Ticked Off
***
"How come men never ask for directions?" Though Leela had intended for her question to be rhetorical, she got a plethora of answers from the males on the crew.
"Captain Black gives me directions; I don't need to ask," replied Jackie.
"Meh, don't feel like it," said Fry, shrugging.
"I'm a robot. Robots know everything," added Bender.
"I don't drive," Kif chimed in, not sounding too pleased.
"That was supposed to be RHETORICAL," Leela grumpily pointed out. "And I wasn't talking about you guys, I was talking about Captain Bravado over there." She pointed to the steering wheel, where Zapp had his face buried in an upside-down atlas and was steering with his feet. An asteroid swerved away to avoid the Cumulus.
"Captain Bravado, huh?" asked Zapp. He let go of the steering wheel and musingly stared at the ceiling. "Heh, that's got a nice ring to it. Kif, is it too late to change my name to Captain Bravado?" At that point, the ship swerved into the wrong lane.
The amphibian sighed. "Do you even know what a bravado is, captain?"
"Is it that thing women wear on their bosoms?"
"No, captain, that's 'brassiere.'"
"Uh… well, then… it's a… time in a young man's life when… he must decide on whether… uh… or not he should… uh…"
"ZAPP! SAVE THE SHIP!" squealed Jade, pointing at the windshield at the front of the Cumulus. A large, silver, disc-like spaceship was about to collide with them, head-on.
Forgetting about the change of name, Zapp rushed to the steering wheel and grabbed hold of it, pushing it to the left. I'll just use the horn to tell them to get out of my way! he thought, pushing one of the red buttons on top of the steering wheel. But instead of the Cumulus blasting "La Cucaracha" at the other ship, a laser cannon fired beam after beam at the larger mother ship, denting its finish and making big, fiery balls erupt from its surface. As if out of revenge, it began firing back before hurtling itself into a conveniently-placed, hovering gas station. The Cumulus received little impact from the targeting, for Leela's expertly grabbing the steering wheel and piloting the ship out of the way saved the spacecraft and all the lives within it.
"Leela, my love! How can I ever repay you?" The blonde starship captain took Leela's hand and raised it to his lips as if to kiss her, but the cyclops slapped him with her other hand.
"You can start by not kissing my hand," retorted Leela. She quickly set the spaceship down onto the landing pad of the gas station as if to apologize later.
"WOO! Leela, you nailed him!" praised Fry. "You really got him where you wanted him!"
"Just like last time!" Bender called out. "WOOOOOO!" He regained his dignity and puffed on a cigar. Then he saw what was outside and spat the cigar onto the carpet. A black burn mark appeared on the crimson carpet, and Zapp was the only one who was bothered by that.
"My carpet!" cried Zapp. "NOOOOOOO!" He clutched his hair and fell to his knees in agony. "Why, why, why???" He buried his face in his hands and began to cry. "All that work… all that Steiner and Scotchgard… surviving all those ravioli dinners and sundae bars and red wine benders… and then finally succumbing to a cigar stain!"
The others, however, were more worried about what they saw coming towards them outside the window. A door on the bottom of the UFO opened, and a silver ramp extended out of it. Out came two massive, brown, toad-like aliens wearing capes around their necks and furious expressions on their faces. They were Lrrr and Ndnd—the king and queen of the planet Omicron Persei Eight. [Note: That is how their names are spelled.]
"NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!" screamed Jackie. "We're stranded at some gas station in the middle of nowhere—"
"And two Omicronians are going to go Information Age on our asses!" Zapp finished off. He turned to Kif. "KIF, YOU MORON! YOU SHOULD HAVE DROVE FOR ME WHEN I WAS MUSING!"
Leela, Jackie, and Kif sighed, thoroughly exasperated. Then a pounding on the door of the Cumulus interrupted the tension between everyone.
"I sure hope it's not those Omicronians," Fry said shakingly, venturing to the control panel to the airlock. He nonchalantly pushed a button that said "HATCH CONTROL" on it, not expecting the worst. When he saw Lrrr standing in the airlock, squished against the sides, Fry shrieked and quckly pounded on the button three more times.
"Oh puh-leaze," muttered Lrrr, pushing the door back and storming into the main room. He was followed by Ndnd, who was exactly, if not more, furious than he. Both Omicronian monarchs stood in the center, stared at by Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, and Kif. (Jade and Kif were grasping each other's hands.) Both quickly scanned the room, and then Lrrr marched up to Jackie. "Where is Captain Brannigan?" he bellowed in Jackie's face. The hair on Jackie's head was blown back by the gust of hot air that blew out of his mouth. "Tell me where he is NOW, or I will DESTROY YOU!" As if to emphasize his point, a ray gun was pointed at Jackie's chest.
Forgetting about the talismans, Jackie pointed in the direction of the couch, where, sure enough, Zapp was trying to squeeze behind it. The top half of his body was concealed by the back of the couch, but the rest of him could not fit. His legs kicked the air and the wall, depending on where they were.
"Oh why did I have to be so fat? So there would be more of me to admire?" the captain asked no one in particular.
Lrrr marched over to the couch and pulled Zapp out of the crevace by his legs. Zapp strategically placed his hands over his tunic so it would not drop down and reveal his… er… you know… and gritted his teeth. Lrrr dropped him onto the floor, and the blonde captain quickly brushed the dust off of his velour uniform and stood up.
"How the hell did you know this was MY ship?" he growled at the Omicronian, who towered over him. Inside, however, Zapp was panicking, thinking the exact same words.
"Who else would have a vanity plate that reads 'ZAPPER' and bumper stickers that read 'My other ship is a Lovenasium' and 'I am an honor student at the Love-Making Academy'?"
"Uh… uh… uh… this isn't my ship! Kif was piloting it!"
"Well," declared Lrrr, "let's just see about that!" He turned to Fry, Leela, Bender, Jackie, Jade, and Kif, who had huddled into a clump on the opposite side of the room. "Before you rudely ran into our RV and dented its high-gear control mechanism, who was piloting the ship?"
"Well, technically, no one," Fry admitted, twiddling his thumbs, "but if you—"
"ANSWER ME!" bellowed the Omicronian, a blast of putrid hot air blowing out of his mouth. "WHO PILOTS THIS SHIP?!"
"Zapp," Fry answered hastily.
"Zapp," echoed Jackie.
"Zapp," Bender nonchalantly added.
"Zapp," said Jade.
"Zapp," replied Leela.
Kif sighed. "Sorry, captain. It was Zapp, your Omicronian highness."
"Traitors," Zapp muttered. "Backstabbers! Mean people! I fly you around the universe in one of the most luxurious mini-spacecrafts ever manufactured, and this is how you repay me?"
"So THEY were in on this as well?" asked Ndnd. "Well, it looks like we have a shipload of troublemakers! By the power invested in me as Omicronian royalty, I place ALL of you under arrest! Guards?"
Six Omicronians wearing black capes and sunglasses like the Secret Service and whose robust physique made them look more like heavyweight boxing champions than bodyguards stepped into the Cumulus.
"Sieze them!" commanded Ndnd, pointing to the seven heroes.
"Woohoo! Now I've been arrested in all the quadrants of space!" Bender exclaimed as the guards handcuffed everyone and took them to their spare spacepod.
***
On Nightmarion 5, Myotismon had other troubles on his hands. He sat on his demonic throne—a black-and-silver throne decorated with silver spikes and skulls—in the throne room in the castle he had built. As he sipped a glass of red wine, he contemplated his next plan for the Bat Talisman. But there was one problem: it was not present.
"VALMONT!" he shouted, his call echoing through the room.
As if on cue, the former leader of the Dark Hand rushed into the room. He panted for three seconds, Myotismon precipitating a glare on him. "What do you wish of me, master?" he asked servilely.
"Bring me the Bat Talisman," demanded the vampire.
"What? You… you want ME to bring you the talisman?" asked Valmont, knowing very well the talisman had been accidentally left on Earth. He chuckled nervously. "Myotismon, master, you needn't use the talisman when you have your own power—"
Myotismon stood up, holding a whip of Crimson Lightning. He had his eyes on Valmont's white ponytail, which had irritated the vampire ever since his minion had entered his life. "You dare defy me, servant?" he interrogated.
"No, no, master, I'm not defying you, but I just feel that there's more ways to conquer the universe than to use the Bat Talisman—"
"The talisman, Valmont. Where is the Bat Talisman?"
Sweat beads appeared on the white-haired man's forehead. He took a handkerchief and wiped it. "Uh… uh… uh… it's on Earth?"
"EARTH?" shouted Myotismon. "WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING ON EARTH? CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" He lashed his whip of lightning out at his servant, and Valmont ducked just in the nick of time. He was unscathed, but his hair, on the other hand… His entire ponytail lay on the floor, and he felt his head.
"My HAIR! My beautiful HAIR!" he screamed. "My men will go back to Earth for the talisman, just DON'T GIVE ME A CREWCUT!" Valmont ran out of the room so quickly, it looked like a white blur.
Myotismon sighed and sank into his chair. Just as he had gotten comfortable, the door opened and Mom's sons burst in. Walt looked angry, Larry's face had a frightened expression, and Igner was crying.
"Stepdaddy Myo!" Igner cried. "Walt hit me, and the fat sumo man wants to eat Larry! I'm scared of this place! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
"Oh quit being such a baby, Igner!" Walt slapped his younger brother. "For God's sakes, you're 37!"
"Yeah!" Larry agreed, but was also slapped by Walt.
"Boys, boys," said Myo, his voice dripping with sugar, "your stepdaddy is in the middle of devising a clever plan to take over the universe."
"Mommy also had plans!" added Larry. "She wanted Earth. It was better that way."
Myotismon waved his hand in the direction of the door. "Boys, go play with Demidevimon. I need to do something very, very important."
"Are you going to make Amy a vampire?" asked Walt. "If you are, we won't bother you."
"SHOO!" shouted Myotismon. Walt, Igner, and Larry chased each other out of the throne room. The vampire, relieved to finally have solitude, sat back in his throne to absorb the silence. Amy… sweet Amy… someday you will be my bride, ruling at my side as the queen of the vampires… and I the king! He fantasized himself with Amy and darkly chuckled to himself. He blushed with pleasure from the thought alone, then rose from his throne, prepared for transforming Amy Wong from a wealthy girl to his vampire bride…
***
The jails on Omicron Persei Eight were made of a sandstone-like rock, but they were much stronger than they had been on Earth. Each cell was surrounded by the rock wall on one side and had bars and a potent force field on the remaining side. Some cells had barred windows; others did not. Inside the cell was a cot without a pillow and a scratchy gray blanket on one side, and a pit toilet and primitive sink on the other. Some cells had scratch marks etched on the walls. The crew members of the Cumulus were all thrown into two cells—Fry, Bender, and Jackie in one cell; Leela, Zapp, Kif, and Jade in the other.
"Well, Leela, looks like we're confined together," Zapp said seductively.
"Can't we be confined apart for once?" sighed Leela.
"SILENCE!" boomed one of the prison guards. "Your trial begins tomorrow!"
"What trial?" asked Bender. "It was a stupid car crash, just let the insurance pay for whatever was broken and get on with your miserable lives!"
"Bender, this is royalty we're talking about!" Jackie pointed out. "Oh great, I'm stuck here and we'll never defeat Myotismon in time!"
The guard looked puzzled. "Myotismon? Who the hell is Myotismon? Is he the one who plots these conspiracies?"
"You wish, sir," replied Jade, her head nearly poking between the bars. "Jackie says that Myotismon is a vampire who's out to take over the universe!"
"Hmmmmmm…" mumbled the guard, rubbing his chin. He looked at Jackie. "Go on," he persuaded like a psychiatrist questioning a mental patient. "Tell me more about this Myotismon."
"Like Jade told you," Jackie explained in his calmest, most fearless voice, "Myotismon is an evil vampire, the most evil there is. He's trying to take over the universe and enslave mankind with the help of his magic talismans."
The guard burst into laughter. "MAGIC TALISMANS?! BA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" His belly shook and he clutched his sides.
"It's TRUE!" Jackie insisted, but the Omicronian just laughed even harder. "There are thirteen different talismans, each with an animal on it and its own magical powers. There's a dog, a pig, an ox, a tiger, a bat—"
More obnoxious laughter. The guard had fallen down and was rolling on the floor, occasionally pounding the ground.
"Jackie, pigs and oxen haven't existed for 650 years," explained Leela. "And bats are now just considered an urban legend after they became extinct."
The Omicronian guard stood up, wiped a tear from his eye, and tried to contain himself. "Man, I haven't heard that kind of insane blather in YEARS!" he exclaimed. He turned to Jackie and said in his most reassuring voice, almost like a man talking affectionately to his dog, "Don't you wowwy, nobody's going to use his pwecious tawismans to enswave mankind." He turned to another guard. "Is the mental ward still occupied?"
"No, sir," replied the fellow guard.
"You're free to go," the guard told Jackie. "After mental rehab! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Another Omicronian entered Jackie's cell, holding a straitjacket. Jackie tried to run, but the Omicronians were like large brick walls— formidable and unable to be passed.
"But it's TRUE!" exclaimed Jackie as he was bound up. He thrashed around like a fish in a net.
Zapp raised his hand. "Uh, I would also like to plead insane! I have severe schitzophrenia. Oh yeah, and I suffer from paranoia. And also from parabola! And I have that godforsaken 'Baby One More Time' by Britney Spears stuck in my head! Oh, and, uh, feel free to throw in a couple more for good measure."
"Nice try," said the guard. "While Mr. Chan here is free to go, the rest of you will all stand trial at 'The Royalty of Omicron Persei Eight vs. Zapp Brannigan and His Spaceship of Fools!' tomorrow at dawn!"
"Hey, I like that name!" exclaimed Fry.
Bender puffed on a cigar. "Say, guard, I just opened a curiosity file, so I am wondering… what's the penalty? Sweatshop? Getting chained by the leg and smashing rocks apart with a pickaxe for no apparent reason? Having one of us get eaten in front of a live TV audience like you vowed to do to Leela?"
Leela and Fry both waved their hands at Bender and mouthed "NO!"
The guard rubbed his chin. "Well, I was just going to have you do community service, but now that you mention it… I shall tell Lrrr not to fill up on cheese fries tonight, 'cause he's getting a human for dinner tomorrow!" He looked around for a likely candidate. "Uh… uh… you." He pointed directly at Fry.
"NO!" shouted Fry. "Please, no! I have so much to live for! I haven't mooned the governor from a glass elevator or— or— shoved sixteen crayons up my nose!"
"Shut up, dinner," reprimanded the guard. He chuckled to himself and walked away. Then he stopped and turned around. "But since you are all equally guilty, I'm going to have our royalty eat all of you!" He turned the corner and disappeared.
"BENDER!" screamed Leela. "If your ass wasn't made of metal, I'd be kicking it right now!"
"Hey, don't blame me, organ sack," replied the robot. "Blame Zapp; he was the one who got us into this mess."
"Whoa, don't be pointing fingers at me, Bender," said the captain. "It was Leela who asked me for help!"
"It wasn't me," retorted Leela, "it was the professor."
"Sure, baby, you can say it all you want, but that won't make it true!"
"STOP!" screamed Jade from her bunk. Everyone looked at her. "I don't want us to spend the last few minutes of our lives blaming each other. Look, when Valmont got hold of the Dragon Talisman, Jackie and I never played the blame game— we whooped his butt! Same for when Viper— Jackie's girlfriend— filched the Snake Talisman! In fact, we helped Jackie get it back, and we're still here to tell you about it! Come on, can't we all just get along?"
An awkward silence filled the air. Everyone else hung their heads in shame.
"Jade's right," Kif spoke up. "For once, she's being the voice of reason. Without Jackie around, we don't seem to have one."
"We're sorry, Jade," apologized Leela. "Maybe tomorrow, when we're digesting in the stomachs of Lrrr and Ndnd and all the other Omicronian officials, we'll think of you and how we didn't depart this world in spite."
"Even if we are boned," added Fry, "at least we're boned together."
"Who knows?" asked Zapp, putting a hand on Leela's right shoulder. "Maybe we'll both be in the same stomach! How… erotic! And no, Omicronian, that kicking and squirming inside ya ain't me and Leela trying to get out!"
"No. Way." asserted Leela.
***
When the sun rose over Omicron Persei Eight that morning, the six remaining prisoners awoke to feel their wrists handcuffed together and themselves chained together by shackles at their feet. The six bodyguards who arrested them stood at their sides as they all were kicked awake.
"So, how is breakfast doing?" joked one of the guards as Fry stood up.
"Bite my shiny metal ass!" retorted Bender.
"Hey, we can't eat the robot!" pointed out another guard. "What should we do with him?"
"Lrrr told me to have him melted down into a statue of him and Ndnd devouring the humans," replied a third guard. "Come on, the royal court is growing peckish."
So the six prisoners were led in a line down the hall of the prison to the palace. In their line, Fry was first. He was followed by Leela, Zapp, Kif, and finally Jade. Jade was on the verge of tears as she passed Jackie's psych ward.
"Jade…" Jackie breathed. Suddenly, he looked around the room for a phone. He remembered that one of the guards had called the Omicronian Mental Health Institute, but the phone was under the white padding that covered the walls. He had heard the others talking about eating Fry, Leela, Jade, Zapp, and Kif earlier, so he knew he had to take a chance. He bounced over to the nearest wall and took a hunk of padding between his teeth. He pulled and pulled for five minutes, feeling a tooth coming loose. Finally, he jumped back, and the entire section of padding ripped off the wall, exposing a telephone. Jackie nudged the receiver off with his chin, then dialed a number with his nose. Please let it work… he thought as the dialtone began to ring.
***
The courtroom was filled with Omicronians, various reporters, and a blue chicken in a Southern gentleman's suit. The chicken was the heroes' lawyer. The setting was exactly like one on Earth, only more futuristic. The jury consisted entirely of Omicronians, who licked their lips in delight. Fry, Leela, Kif, and Jade sat in the audience, while Zapp was seated with his chicken lawyer, biting his nails. An Omicronian lawyer sat on the other side.
Linda, the blonde reporter in pink clothes, stood in front of one camera; Morbo, the green alien reporter in front of the other.
"Today, the population of Earth views one of their most famed idols stand trial for the sixth time in four years. Who is he? He is DOOP captain, 25-star general, assistant-commander-in-chief of the Earth Army, General Major Wevelo, president of the laser-gun club, former Nutley High School football captain, soon to be the star of his own movie (coming to theaters this Fourth of July, granting he isn't found guilty), and a whole lot more, Zapp Brannigan." She thrust a microphone in Zapp's face. "Captain Brannigan, how do you feel about the allegations against you for crashing your ship into the Omicronian royalty's mother ship."
"Allegations?" asked Zapp. "What, so now there's alligators involved?"
Morbo darkly chuckled into his microphone. "Without their precious DOOP captain, humans will surely surrender to the forces of Morbo's planet. Morbo will tell his leaders about this auspicious occasion."
"Please rise for the judge," commanded a voice over the loudspeaker. Everyone stood up.
"Who is the judge?" wondered Fry.
"ME!" exclaimed Lrrr's voice. He emerged from a set of curtains behind the judge's podium. He wore a black robe and a white judge's wig. Every Omicronian applauded. "Greetings to you, Earth morsels!" He took his place behind his podium. "Order in the court!" He pounded the gavel on the stand, and everyone sat down and shut up. "Order! ORDER! Thank you. I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei Eight, and I am here to prove that Zapp Brannigan is guilty of… of… being an idiot and driving right into my ship! I saw him do it with my own two eyes, and I know at least seven others who did!"
Zapp stood up. "Your Honorness, I can show you at least five hundred people who DIDN'T see me crash my ship!"
"Captain Brannigan, you're OUT OF ORDER!" shouted Lrrr. "SIDDOWN!"
Zapp sat down.
"I now call… myself to the stand!" exclaimed Lrrr. He walked down from the podium and paced around the courtroom. "Lrrr, where were you on Smarch 43rd at 7:00 PM? Why, I was on Skyway 100.3, between the planets of Modesto 777 and Eros 69. And what did you see? I looked in front of me and saw a long, silver spaceship that was flying towards me. I tried to swerve out of its way, but it fired its cannons at me."
"That wasn't what I intended to do!" shouted Zapp, standing up for the second time. "I merely tried to honk to get you out of the way. I thought you'd be amused by my novelty horn. It plays 'La *Koo-KAY-ra-cha*,' you know?"
"'La Cucaracha?!'" snarled Lrrr. "You KNOW I hate that song! Were you trying to HARASS me with that?"
The jury mumbled.
"Oh geez…" mumbled Kif. "We are so, so boned…"
***
Thirty minutes later, things did not look favorable for the crew. With Lrrr as the judge, nothing could be done to save them. Everything in favor of Fry and the others was immediately stricken from the record, and everything seemed to be used against them. The chicken was no help either— his "surprise witnesses" were only there to tell cock-and-bull stories and buy the crew time. Currently, the jury had left to deliberate three seconds ago. They were all coming back in.
"Has the jury reached its verdict?" questioned Lrrr. "Hurry up; I'm hungry."
Ndnd, who had been chosen as a member of the jury, stood up and read a pre-written verdict. "We, the jury, find the defendant, guilty and fit to eat!"
Fry, Leela, Bender, Jade, and Kif glared at Zapp.
Lrrr's stomach rumbled, and he eagerly licked his lips. "Well then, by the power vested in me by myself, yada yada yada, I now pronounce you guilty and for breakfast!" He raised the gavel, about to strike it down and make everything official. But just before the gavel touched the podium…
"WAIT!" shouted Jackie's voice. He ran into the room, followed by a tall, bald man with auburn eyebrows. A confused buzzing filled the auditorium as Jackie and the man made their way up to the judge's podium.
"What do you want?" Lrrr gruffly inquired. "My breakfast's getting cold!"
"To defeat Myotismon!" exclaimed Jackie. "And my colleague, Captain Black, will prove he exists!"
"Jackie's right," said Captain Black, who was the bald man. "Myotismon is a sinister digimon and will use the Bat Talisman to conquer the universe. It has the power to turn any being into a vampire slave." He held up a hologram projector and pushed the "on" button. Images of people being turned into vampires were shown, and a few of Myotismon himself as well.
"My word… he exists!" exclaimed Lrrr. "Uh… I think we owe you an apology, Mr. Chan."
"So… I guess we all go home free," said Zapp causually, rising from his place. "All's well that ends well, have a good day! I'm hungry! Let's go to the UHOP—Universal House of Pancakes! I'm driving!" He began to strut into the aisle.
"Not so fast, Brannigan," said Lrrr. "You still crashed your ship into mine, so I'm making you all a deal. If you can slay this vampire before three days and three nights have passed, your crew can go home free. But if you don't, you'll all be killed!" He struck the gavel onto the podium, making it official.
"Man, ever since I broke that mirror with my good looks, it seems that nothing has gone right…" sighed Zapp.
***
To be continued…