A/N: Sorry that took so long. My dad accidentally broke the computer, erasing every last one of my files, so I had to type this all over again. Thank you for your patience! I sort of based one part on the teaser trailer for The Incredibles (you know, where the man is trying to put on his superhero outfit?) and inserted an inside joke pertaining to the Digimon episode "Apocalymon Now." This chapter is for all you Digi fans! (I sort of bash Piedmon a little, but he is one of my favorite characters.) Enjoy!
Chapter 13
The Digi-Gate Scandal
"Today, at Luna Park, I officially declare today Fun Day: The Funnest Day on the Moon!" Mayor Poopenmeyer rehearsed as he approached a stage that faced a cheering crowd on Luna Park. The moon's largest (and only) amusement park was jam-packed with tourists who anxiously awaited the lunar holiday where no one had a care and everyone could do whatever activities they wished without feeling or looking foolish. It was much like Freedom Day on Earth, only there was a smaller number of people celebrating it. The mayor of New New York, who had been selected as the master of ceremonies that year, shuffled his cue cards once again.
Meanwhile, outside the dome that secluded the amusement park from the rest of the moon, the Planet Express ship touched the ground, sending clouds of moondust billowing outwards in all directions. Myotismon, who had surrounded himself with a spell that kept him alive in the unusually thin atmosphere of the moon, anxiously awaited the heroes' arrival in the shadows, prepared to ambush. However, Apocalymon, who hovered in the near-vacuum by the dome, was unaware that the vampire had arrived.
"My other six brothers and sister have been defeated," mused the vampire to himself as he peered around the curvature of the dome to see no one exit the ship. "I will not let my last remaining brother feel the crushing defeat and prolongued confinement of the others. It is now or never… I will ensure you never know failure again, my dear brother."
Apocalymon said nothing as he floated in the air, then sailed in the direction of the Planet Express ship. He landed on the surface of the moon, blowing moondust away as he did so. "So… someone new I need to annihilate…" he murmured. "I have always craved the presence of the others, but being locked away for hundreds of years with…" the cyborg shuddered, "…my siblings… it has given me a lust for the bloodshed of others."
Inside the Planet Express ship, Uncle was in the process of concocting yet another chi spell in addition to the confinement spell. The spell was the exact one that Myotismon had used on himself to allow him to breathe even in the void of space. As it boiled in its pot, the sage added the final ingredients.
"Powdered fish scales and eye of newt," he explained to Jade as he sifted the scales and dropped a nasty-looking eyeball into the bubbling brew, which emitted blue smoke that turned into a fiery red color.
"eye of newt?" wondered the spunky child. "So… what is this, one of those bogus witches' spells or something?"
Uncle did his usual reflex of whacking Jade between the eyes. It was the first time he had ever done so to Jade. "NO!" he squawked. "HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF THE POISONOUS PROPERTIES OF DRAGON HORN???!! The eye of newt is the ONLY ANTIDOTE!"
At this point, Apocalymon began to approach the ship, slowly but surely, aware that no one was watching.
Finally, the potion ceased its steaming and had almost jelled into what appeared to be a blood-red lotion that glowed like a neon sign. Uncle lifted the pot off the flames and set it on the floor. "CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN!" he shrieked. "THE POTION IS READY! ARE YOOOU???!!!"
"I still don't see why he just couldn't just use the stupid Dog Talisman for immortality," remarked Jade, "instead of having to go through all this chi spell crap."
"YOOOOOOU TRY PERPETUALLY HOLDING YOUR BREATH!" screamed Uncle. "It is not fun."
Zapp entered the room, wearing nothing but his black bathrobe and attempting to conceal the laser gun in his uniform, which he cradled in his arms. "Ready as you are, old man," he said.
Uncle saw the gun. "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU, MAGIC MUST DEFEAT MAGIC!" He whacked the starship captain between the eyes. "YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!" he added for good measure.
Zapp and Jade rolled their eyes, and Zapp threw the gun on the floor, not completely mollified. Uncle apperaed content, so he decided to leave the room and brew some green tea. It had been a good twenty minutes since his last cup, so the enlderly man was growing cranky from withdrawal.
"I don't care if Jackie's gonna be mad at me or not; I'm still gonna take pictures of this fight," announced Jade, loading film into her camera.
"Say, Jade, could you get the places I can't reach?" asked a voice. Jade whirled around and dropped the camera. A flash went off. Zapp was now completely naked. "Since Kif's not here, you're the next closest thing."
Jade shuddered. "Damn you, Uncle…" she muttered. "Stupid chi spell has me looking at the fat man's wang!"
After the distressing favor was complete and the captain was preoccupied with stuffing himself into his uniform, Jade snuck off into the bathroom to wash her hands seven times and then to cover herself with the chi potion. She quickly stripped down to her bare skin, ripped off all her bandages (the bat bites had almost completely healed), hastily smeared the enchanted lotion on herself, then threw her clothes back on. Apocalymon drew nearer and nearer.
A few minutes prior to when Jade was ready to leave the restroom, Zapp had already stuffed himself back into his tunic (making the error of not wearing his girdle, which he said constricted him while he "fought"), as well as donned his white gloves and boots. He was attempting to fasten his belt when there was a knock on the door.
"Oh God… not know…" muttered the captain. "Keep your shirt on; I'm COMING!" he shouted. Doing what he usually did when he got dressed, Zapp sucked in his gut and held his breath, quickly fastening his belt. After he exhaled and his potbelly once again hung over his belt, he opened the door to see Apocalymon standing there. "We don't want any" he asserted, slamming the door in Apocalymon's face.
Apocalymon growled behind the door. As Zapp turned to walk away, there came more knocks at the door, this time harder and quicker.
Once again the captain answered the door to see a furious Apocalymon standing there, baring his teeth and growling. "Hey, I told you before, whatever it is you're selling, we don't want any!" Once again, the cyborg received the door slammed in his face.
Before Zapp could do anything else, Apocalymon pounded on the door so hard there were dents in the shape of his fist in various places. Zapp opened the door and sighed. "Man, your kind is persistent, isn't it?" he remarked.
Apocalymon pointed one of his tentacles, which he transformed into a positron firearm, directly at Zapp's head. "SHOW ME WHERE CHAN IS OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!" he threatened.
"Uh… Chan? Who's Chan? I… I don't know any Chan!" Zapp stammered as he looked at Apocalymon, gritting his teeth and perspiring.
"JACKIE Chan!" growled Apocalymon, cocking the gun. "And don't you play mind games with me—I know you work with him, ZAPP BRANNIGAN."
The DOOP captain's hair stood on end. "Uh… uh… m-my name isn't… eh… Zapp Brannigan… no, no… it's Zack… Flannigan! People always get us confused, you know. You want Captain Brannigan, who is… a very, very sexy man, by the way? Well… uh… his ship is… uh… in that direction!" He pointed in an arbitrary direction as Apocalymon gave him a funny look.
If Jade had not been in the room, Apocalymon would have left. She immediately realized that Apocalymon was at the door and ran towards Zapp. "ZAPP! ZAPP! CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN!" she screamed, then pulled on the skirt portion of the captain's tunic to get his attention. "Don't you know who that is? IT'S APOCALYMON! Jackie's friend Captain Black told you about him, remember?"
"I'm boned," muttered Zapp. His belt buckle popped open and ricocheted right into Apocalymon's forehead, directly between the eyes.
Like anyone who had a buckle lodged in their forehead would feel, Apocalymon was furious. He ripped it out, and the dent in his mask popped right back out. Before anyone could do anything, he took Zapp in his enormous hand and lifted him—all 225 pounds—outside and into the air with no effort.
"Cool…" breathed Jade, taking a picture.
"NO!" shouted Zapp, struggling to break free of Apocalymon's grip. "Don't… take…" The flash went off as another picture was taken. "GAAAAAH!" He kicked as if he were running wildly in the air, then the cyborg flew off the ground. Jade saw that Apocalymon in his entirety was the body of a cyborg attached to what looked like a many-sided box with ninja stars sticking out of it, and took another picture. She looked around to see if the coast was clear, then leapt out the door and landed like a cat on the surface of the moon.
Uncle returned shortly afterwards, calm from sipping on a much-needed cup of green tea. He held the porcelain teacup and saucer in one hand. "Jade, has Captain Brannigan gone out to search for Apocalymon?" he asked tranquilly. "Jade? Jade?" Uncle looked around, then screamed when he saw that there was no sign of Jade or the chi lotin. "AAAAAAAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the sage screamed as he dropped both pieces of china on the ground. Both fixed themselves. Uncle sprinted to the window and plastered his face against the glass, only to see Jade chasing Apocalymon, stopping to take pictures once in a while. "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE!"
Back on Earth, the group had gathered in the parking garage where the ship had been previously, only to see it was still missing.
"I swear this is where we left it," said Leela. "How come they're not back from the moon yet?"
"BECAUSE UNCLE CANNOT DRIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" squealed a familiar voice. Fry, Leela, and Bender frantically swished their heads around, searching for Uncle. Zoidberg drooled, fantasizing himself stuffing himself with his weight in prawns. Professor Farnsworth closed his eyes behind his glasses and crossed his arms, not wanting anything to do with that man. Jackie said nothing; he pointed to a white mist that formed in front of another ship. The mist turned into a transparent hologram of Uncle's head.
"Uncle? Are you still on the moon?" wondered Jackie.
A trail of mist whacked the archaeologist between the eyes, and everyone knew that it was Uncle. "OF COURSE UNCLE IS STILL ON THE MOON!" he shouted. "I CANNOT DRIVE A SPACESHIIIIIP!"
"Did you bring prawns?" Zoidberg asked hopefully.
Uncle forced the mist to whack the lobster between the eyes, causing Zoidberg to whoop and brush his face with his claws, a la Curly the stooge.
"WHAT DOES UNCLE NEED PRAWNS FOR?" squawked Uncle. "PRAWNS NOT SUITABLE FOR BRINGING BACK JADE!"
Jackie turned a shade of grey with green undertones, and he looked as if he had an upset stomach. "Jade?" he asked silently. "…What about Jade?"
"Jade run off with Captain Brannigan!" replied Uncle. "He veeeery bad influence!"
"HA!" spat the professor. "She was trying to get away from YOU! Even Zapp Brannigan would make a better uncle than YOU, and he's no uncle."
"I'm an uncle!" volunteered Fry, but that only got him a dirty glare from the professor.
Uncle wrinkled his nose at Professor Farnsworth, who stuck his tongue back out at his rival. Then he turned back to the group of people he could tolerate, i.e. Jackie and Leela. "Jade has run off with Captain Brannigan, and they are BOTH in the presence of Apocalymon!"
"What do you want us to do?" wondered Fry.
"GO TO THE MOON AND SAVE JADE! …As for Captain Brannigan, I do not really care." Uncle's head disappeared into wisps of white mist, which dissolved in seconds.
Leela looked around the parking garage. "Well, how are we gonna get there?"
Bender puffed on a cigar and glared at Leela as if she were incredible dimwitted. "You're forgettin' something very important, pork pocket." He put his hands around Leela's head and turned it so she was looking at every spaceship in the parking garage. "There's a million ships here, and they're all ours for the taking!"
Jackie gulped. "You mean we're going to…" he dropped his voice to a whisper, as if the word he was going to say next was a swear word, "…steal them?"
" 'Steal' is such a harsh word," disproved Bender, putting an arm around Jackie. "I prefer the term 'borrow and bringitbacklaterthankyooooou!' Eh? Eh?" The robot elbowed him a couple of times.
Jackie backed away. "No way," he asserted. "Do you people not have morals? I know Jade is in danger, but I am NOT about to steal a car in order to—" Jackie saw the crew members approach a tan spaceship that was larger than the Planet Express ship. "Oh, monkey trumpets!" He repeated what he had heard Kif utter once, joining the others.
"So how are we gonna get the ship started?" wondered Fry. "And how are we gonna get in? Wait… anyone got a coat hanger?"
"I have an old tube of lipstick," volunteered Leela. "Is that close enough?"
Bender opened his chest cabinet and took out a goldfish bowl, a painting of the Mona Lisa with a mustache on it, another goldfish bowl, and a toaster before he found what he was looking for: a key on a necklace. "Behold!" he declared. "The key that opens anything and everything, and a whole lot more!"
"How did you get it?" wondered Leela, her eye wide.
"I swiped it from Smitty and URL while they were hugging," replied the robot. "Heh heh heh. And that's also how I swiped this!" He held up a picture of URL lying in a pornographic position in a jungle setting, wearing nothing but a loincloth. Most of his circuits were showing. On the bottom it said, To Smitty, XXOO.
"EW!" squealed Fry and Leela. Jackie appeared confused, and Zoidberg thought, A friend is showing me a picture!
Bender stuffed the picture back in his chest compartment, planning to blackmail URL with it later, and used the magic key to open the door to the ship. The door opened, and everyone boarded it. Bender once again used the key to start the ship, and Leela assumed her position at the steering wheel. A few seconds later, the spaceship crashed through the ceiling of the parking garage and hurtled straight towards the moon.
Back on the moon, things did not look good for Zapp as he fought against Apocalymon. Luckily, the captain knew he had the talismans with him. It was apparent when the cyborg squeezed him so tightly, a normal man would have been crushed to death. There was a cracking noise, and all Zapp had done was force his arms out. (The talismans were redundant anyway—his fat gave him protection, while a skinnier man would have been compressed to death after his ribs cracked.)
"That's odd…" mused Apocalymon. "I have cracked ribs with this grip before, and all other men have died!"
By that time, Zapp had plled his right arm completely out of Apocalymon's grip, and he reached for the laser gun that he kept in a belt around his left leg in case of emergency. He kicked and struggled to remove his left boot as the cyborg squeezed him tighter.
Meanwhile, on Luna Park, Mayor Poopenmeyer was about to declare that Fun Day had officially begun when he took a glance through one of the portholes on the wall. He said, "Today, at Luna Park, I officially declare today WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??!!" He pointed to what he saw through the porthole: the starship captain and the demon fighting. Visitors, though bewildered, rushed over to the windows to see what was happening.
"Sweet!" exclaimed Jade. "May, I'm gonna LOVE putting these on my bedroom wall!" She took another picture of Apocalymon compressing Zapp so tightly, his eyes bulged out of their sockets and his face grew redder than his uniform.
"Please… take pity on me!" pleaded Zapp. "I've never fought anyone in hand-to-body combat before!"
The flash going off distracted Apocalymon as he was about to crush the captain once and for all. He glared at Jade from above his bodily pedestal. Though the humaniod portion of his body was the same height as Myotismon, his appendage made him nearly five times his original height. Jade backed away and trembled. "Uh… I like taking pictures of stuff?" she admitted.
All of a sudden, Zapp did the first courageous action in battle he had ever done by reaching for his gun and pointing it directly at Apocalymon's face. "Hasta la vista, digi," he announced, switching the setting of the laser from "Stun" to "Kill" to "Hyperdeath™." Without another word, he blasted the cyborg directly in the part of the face that was not covered by his mask. Stunned by the blow, Apocalymon dropped Zapp, and both fell (or fainted) into the ground below. The crowd inside Luna Park applauded, but then were distracted by the grand opening of a flume ride. Needless to say, no one but Jade and Myotismon witnessed what would happen next to Zapp.
A few seconds later, the captain stood up. Though flustered that his uniform was now covered in silver moondust, he maintained what little dignity he had and searched for the vial of chi potion. Jade took it out of her sweatshirt pocket and handed it to him without saying a word. Myotismon glanced around the edge of the dome and knew his time had come. He gracefully floated though the air, accompanied by a flock of bats.
"No need to thank me, Jade," boasted Zapp. "I saved your butt, and not like those superheroes you see on TV, those poseurs." (He pronounced it pow-SEE-ers) He uncorked a vial, and a green mist surrounded Apocalymon. After the ritual of opening the gate had been completed, Zapp continued his sermon on how to be a hero. Jade, who had fixed her attention on Apocalymon getting sucked into the gate, saw Myotismon and began to point in his direction. "It's like I wrote in my best-selling writing, Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War." He took out a pocket-sized, paperback version of his book. "'Fighting always comes first, so wave the witty comments for the coffee-table discussion after-' WHAT THE—"
"Excellent idea, Brannigan!" acknowledged Myotismon, brandishing a whip of his Crimson Lightning. "CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" He hit the book and left a singed rip in the cover.
"MY BOOK!" shouted Zapp. "It's… ruined! You BASTARD!"
"The cover's only torn a bit," Jade pointed out, obviously not caring.
"SO?! It was the first book I ever read… completely!"
"CRIMSON LIGHTNING!" This time, it hit the humans. Everything occurred slowly and fluidly, almost like a dream. As the last of Apocalymon disappeared through the gate, the vampire slashed the atmosphere with his Crimson Lightning, and then the two heroes felt as if a giant hand were pushing them in towards the gate as the whip of lightning hit them. All of a sudden, time sped up, and Zapp and Jade were both sucked into the gate with Apocalymon, like two specks of dirt into a vacuum cleaner. The gate closed, leaving no remaines behind except Jade's Melvin camrea and Zapp's left boot. Myotismon chuckled to himself, swished his cape around himself, then disappeared into its folds. The cape itself dissolved into the night.
A few minutes passed, and the ship carrying the other heroes had landed. Jackie had donned a spacesuit he found in the trunk, then stepped into the airlock. The airlock opened, and he bounced onto the surface of the moon for the first time. When he saw Jade's camera and that gaudy cartoon moose on it grinning like nothing had happened, Jackie began to cry. "She's gone…" he murmured.
"At least Zapp's gone too," added Leela, who had worn the other spacesuit. She picked up the white boot in disgust. "Smells to me like I'm not the ONLY one with sweaty boot rash."
"THEY ARE NOT GONE!" ecvlaimed the familiar voice of Uncle, who emitted the same crimseon glow on Myo, Zapp, and Jade. "They had fought Apocalymon, and Myotismon threw them into the gate! THEY ARE IN THE DIGITAL WOOOORRRRRLD!" Uncle held out his hands; the Dog Talisman was in his left hand, the Dragon Talisman sat in his right. "AND CAPTAIN BRANNIGAN FORGOT THE TAAAAAAALISMANS!!!" Uncle collapsed slowly onto the ground, as if his backbone had just been pulled from his body.
Meanwhile, there would be a new danger in the Digital World. A spiral-shaped mountain that appeared like the forest, land, and ocean had been elongated and entwined together to form a landform that had the same appearance as a soft-serve ice-cream cone protruded above a desert that had once been a lush rainforest. Only a few patches of green plants and colored flowers remained. Dust scattered as the two heroes fell from the gate in the sky and tumbled to the ground ten feet up the mountain.
Jade rubbed her head as she sat up. "Oh man… that was better than any ride at Melvin World! They should have a ride like this!" She paused and gazed at her surroundings. "Where are we, anyway?"
"Beats me," replied Zapp, who was in a strange position on the ground. He managed to untangle himself and sat down on a rock. "This whole region is uncharted. And don't say I lost the chart!" He pointed at Jade.
Jade pouted and stared at the dust that covered her sneakers. "This sucks. I don't know where we are, and I don't even think there's any other humans around here for miles!"
Zapp nudged her and smiled seductively. "Perhaps you and I could repopulate the human race… but not until you hit puberty, am I right? How old are you, anyway?"
Jade stuck out her tongue at him.
"How can I survive without the infinite love between a man and a woman, not to mention the even stronger bond between a man and his girdle?" He had noticed that his uniform had ripped and his bare stomach showed.
Jade made a face. "You're fat."
"More of me to worship, baby!" exclaimed Zapp.
"Humans? In my world?" echoed an arrogant-sounding female voice. The voice switched from arrogant to grateful. "Thank Azulongmon that you finally arrived!" Both of them turned their heads upward to see a dark figure obscured against the white sky surrounding it. As it swooped downward and flew closer to the trees, both could see that the "it" was a "she," and the "she" was an angel with six wings. The angel landed on the ground, and the others (even Jade) could see that she was a comely angel with rosy pink skin, shimmering blonde hair, and a buxom figure that Zapp found irresistible. (It did not do her justice that her white bodysuit was extremely tight and showed more skin than it covered.)
Seeing that a woman was in his presence, Zapp sucked in his gut (still quite futile due to the lack of a girdle) and approached the angel. "I am presigious DOOP captain Zapp Brannigan, or should I say, pleased to meet you?" He knelt before the angel and kissed her ungloved hand. She drew it away.
Angewomon chose to ignore him; she knew who was the proper lover for her. "Do you need help?" she asked them both. That Zapp character needs some psychiatric help, as I can plainly see.
"Not anymore, baby!" Zapp advanced on the angel and leapt on her as if to kiss her. She jumped out of the way in the nick of time, and he tumbled down the side of the mountain. Angewomon and Jade did nothing but stare. Finally, the captain hit the desert below. "I could… sure… use the help now," he said weakly.
"My name is Angewomon," the angel introduced herself to Jade. "I am the Digital Angel of Light and the only angel who remains on the safe side of the wall of fire. Not even my lover, Angemon, is here to give me the infinite companionship I desire now. This world is so desolate… so alone…" Behind her helmet, tears welled up in her eyes.
"What happened?" wondered Jade, her eyes wide.
Angewomon sniffed the tears back and smiled at Jade. "Well… on Earth, one minute of your time is the equivalent of one day of ours because time passes much quicker here. Within the time the Digi-Demons have been sealed in the gate, it happened so quickly, the angels were under-prepared and overwhelmed… they fought all the Digi-Demons at once… but not MetalSeadramon, for he's just… vanished." Her voice suddenly became sharp, as opposed to gentle. "Stop that," she added to Zapp, who had climbed back up the mountain and was staring at her cleavage. She slapped him, but he continued staring.
"You know, Angela, I can honestly say I have not seen any angel with boobies more attractiver than yours," said Zapp.
"Will you get off me quietly, or will I have to resort to forcing you off?"
"We'll see, AFTER we go to your room and have some sexfully sexilicious sexcapades! That's having sex, you know!" The captain winked at the angel, who looked disgusted. "You know, I bet angels are the greatest makers of love there are, except for me. Judging by how you look, I bet you're the greatest of all."
Angewomon elbowed him in the stomach, and he doubled over. She stooped down to continue her story to Jade. "Back to our story… Piedmon, who is the second most powerful Digi-Demons (the most powerful being…)" she suddered, "(…Myotismon…), defeated every last angel with a blow of his mighty Clown Trick and Trump Swords."
"But where were you?" wondered Jade.
"Angemon… took a blow for me…" Angewomon felt her voice choke up. "I don't remember… that much… he said, 'Angewomon, I can take him… you just fly away…' I argued, 'No, you can't…", he said, 'Yes, I will…" The last I remember of him was the Trump Sword thrusted directly into his heart…" She broke down into tears and fell to her knees.
"Will some… sexual consolation help you forget?" It was obvious who made that remark.
"It's OK," Jade assured the angel, patting her back. "You'll find other angels…"
"If only I had my white thong and rocket-powered wings and glow-in-the-dark halo, if ONLY!" exclaimed Zapp.
After Angewomon's recovery, darkness had fallen over Spiral Mountain. She flew up the side of the mountain, holding Jade in her arms like a mother carries a child. A Pegasusmon had been summoned for Zapp, much to his displeasure. Angewomon resumed her explanation, attempting to steer clear of thoughts of Angemon. "After… my people had been locked away behind the Wall of Fire, Piedmon sculpted the terrain into this mountain. By hiding amongst the clouds for three days, then inside the belly of my good friend Whamon for two weeks—don't worry; the oceans were not watched by MetalSeadramon, and angels need not eat as long as there is good in the Digital World. Whamon's kindness was all I needed to survive—I have managed to escape the cruelty and capture of my enemies. Soon, they gave up trying to find me, so I left the protection of my friend and went in search of the chosen ones explained by the prophecy."
Jade's eyes lit up. "The chosen ones?"
"The Digi-Demons reside in a castle atop the summit of the mountain," explained Angewomon. "You and Zapp are the only ones who can enter; the dark chi surrounding the castle creates a barrier—a force field, if you will—that does not allow angels to pass through. Humans are immune to it; Digimon are not."
Angewomon landed gracefully on the top and gently set Jade on the ground. Pegasusmon, on the other hand, bucked Zapp off its back, and he landed on the ground with a thud. Angewomon turned to Jade, averting her eyes from the starship captain, and continued explaining. "We are at the palace, which the one angel who still remains cannot enter. I already explained your task."
"What about the angels on the other side of the wall?" asked Jade. "Or will we have to get more angels?"
"And I know how," hinted Zapp. He winked at the angel, who immediately turned her head away.
"And why do we have to go inside?" continued Jade.
"Because," said Angewomon, "legend has told us of the unleashing of the Digi-Demons after their five-hundred-year confinement behind the Wall of Fire. When the demons were released, eight portals that connected the real and digital worlds had been re-opened. When you and your team of heroes remitted them back to the digital world, they each re-entered through the gates, which sealed. Only the Digi-Demons are aware of the whereabouts of the eighth and final portal. Your job is to seal the portal before they return through it from the Digital World. The entire universe is counting on you to locate the portal by any means necessary."
"So… you want us to eavesdrop, then?" wondered Jade.
"Absolutely," replied Angewomon. "Oh, and… uh… if you can, tell HIM that I'll go out with him when Pigmons don't fly! Which they do! Which is all the time!" She cast a glance over at Zapp, who waved at her and winked again. The Pegasusmon deliberately ran into him and shoved him to the ground, headfirst. "Good luck, and if you need help, Jade, just summon me!" She and Pegasusmon flew off into the distance.
Jade and Zapp climbed the stone staircase embedded into the summit of the mountain. The stone castle loomed above them, and although its gaudy flags that decked it claimed differentl, the castle was, in fact, sinister and the headquarters of evil. When they reached the wooden double doors, they both saw the golden door-knockers attacked to them. The knockers were in the shape of bats' heads with gold collars around their necks.
"Let's just go in," said Zapp, banging the gold collar against the door.
"NO!" shouted Jade, hearing muffled shouts and steps approaching them. She pushed the captain into a nearby shrubbery, and she followed. Since it was night, she hoped they would not be seen. Both of the humans crouhced within the leaves just before all six remaining Digi-Demons stepped out.
Piedmon glanced around as he stepped down the stairs. He clutched a glass half full of wine in one hand. "Methinks I saw a trespasser, and unwanted guest. Master Shakespeare said it best about—"
Devimon sharply elbowed his elder brother, who doubled over. "Cut the theater crap and look for them." The demon sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I can smell cologne. Strong cologne."
Zapp gritted his teeth from embarrassment.
LadyDevimon glared at Piedmon. "How do we know it doesn't belong to It over there?" she remarked, pointing at the harlequin.
Piedmon grew enraged. "How DARE you compare me to that… that…" Piedmon racked his brain in order to find a suitable name to call the fictional clown, but none came to mind. Luckily for him, LadyDevimon cut him off.
"Well, you say you're a mon, Piedmon, but you act more like a WOMON, if you know what I mean. Your gender is so ambiguous that you're no longer a He, but more of an It."
"Are you implying that I'm GAY?!"
"If the closet fits…"
Before the match of wits could turn into a violent brawl, Puppetmon, the youngest and most immature Digi-Demon, screamed, "SHADDUP!" A pause followed, and a rustle in the bushes could be heard. "I think I hear something in the bushes." His eyes grew wide with hope. "Do you think it's a friend for me to play with?"
"Get real, Pinocchio," retorted LadyDevimon. "It's probably just the wind. Anyway, someone had better go down there and check, anyway, in case someone is eavesdropping on us."
"Can we make them my friend?" asked the marionette Digimon. "I wanna play with dolls, and Piedmon won't play with me anymore!"
The clown glared at the puppet. "Get Barbie some new clothes, and then I'll play dolls! I'm TIRED of dressing her up in the same old mismatched outfits!"
"Then will you play tiddlywinks with me instead?"
"No."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
LadyDevimon scooped Puppetmon up. "All right, it's beddy-bye time." She carried him into the castle, Puppetmon still crying. Jade could hear her rapid heartbeat if not for Zapp stifling a laugh.
As Devimon, Piedmon, and Apocalymon scanned the shrubbery for any signs of movement, Etemon had other plans. "YEAH!" he mouthed in a voice that sounded like Elvis Presley's. "Nuh uh, they can't find out the lo-ca-tion of the eighth portal, no sir-ee…" He broke out into his own off-key version of "Heartbreak Hotel." "OOOOHHHHH, since Myotismon betrayed us/ We gonna find our way back as well/ If someone found the portal before us/ We'll be in our own Heartbreak Hotel… uh huh huh… it's inside the castle, baby/ It's inside the castle/ It's inside the castle, but it's closed. WEEEEELLLLLLLLL, we don't know who it'll open/ But Chan's team of chumps sure do/ They'll open the ga-ate for us—"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" shouted Devimon and Apocalymon.
Apocalymon quietly added, "When's the pizza gonna arrive?"
"Inside the castle, eh?" a shrub seemed to say. Making a drastic error, Zapp stood up, covered with leaves. He thrust a finger at the group and exclaimed, "Well well well, you Digi-Demons, you've just made a HUGE mistake!" He changed from threatening to friendly. "I will stay for the pizza, though." Jade gawked at him, and Piedmon advanced on him. "I'm boned…"
"I'll handle THIS man," the jester told his brother, sister-in-law, and acquaintance. "TRUMP SWORDS!" He slashed his swords through the air, missing Zapp by inches.
"It's every man for himself!" Zapp tried to scramble onto the staircase. "Save yourself, Jade!"
"Will do, Captain Brannigan!" Jade had already made it into the main hall of the castle.
"What the—D'OH!" The starship captain smacked his forehead, but made it onto the stairs just as Piedmon tossed his enchanted handkerchief in his direction. After he dashed inside, he shut the door and placed one of Piedmon's parasols between its handles. The thuds of the Digi-Demons attempting entry could be heard as Zapp caught his breath, then headed up the stairs to follow Jade.
"What are we gonna do now?" wondered the black-haired girl.
"EVIL WING!"
There was a bang, and the doors crashed down onto the floor.
There was no need to think. "RUN!" Jade and Zapp both shoute. Jade sprinted down the upstairs hall, but Zapp took a slower approach. The Digi-Demons took their time, even when joined by LadyDevimon and Puppetmon; they knew it would be simple to destroy him.
"In here!" Jade motioned to a doorway at the end of the hall.
"Can't I just hide somewhere else?" moaned Zapp, whose years of "light" dinners and lounging around in his captain's chair made him out of shape. A Darkness Wave attack caused him to dash into the room Jade hid in.
The spunky girl had chosen that room for a plausible reason. As Puppetmon's shouts of "Ollie ollie enfree!" grew closer and closer, they both realized that there was a portal similar to the one Myotismon had utilized to travel to Earth. This time, it emitted a multicolored beam of light and an obscure figure materialized. Both humans appeared frightened until they realized the figure belonged to…
"DR. ZOIDBERG!" they both exclaimed.
The door banged open, and all six Digi-Demons stood in the doorway, prepared to attack.
Zoidberg was prepared; he pointed the Monkey Talisman in their direction, and Jade pushed Zapp out of the way for the second time. "MAKE THEM PRAWNS! Big ones this time!" commanded Zoidberg. The talisman glowed, a beam of light shot out of it, and a second later, six prawns wriggled where the Digi-Demons once stood. Zoidberg dropped the talisman and pounced on them, voraciously gobbling every last one of them up. Jade and Zapp glanced quizzically at each other.
"Delicious, they were," said the lobster, slurping his mouth flaps in delight. "I haven't had a meal like this since ever!"
"How did you get here?" inquired Jade.
"I got here through the computer. My best friend, the professor, opened the portal, he did."
"Ohmigod, the portal's closing!" exclaimed Jade. "Quick!" For the third time, she shoved Zapp out of the way, only this time it was directly into the portal. Jade jumped through as well. Both re-entered in the Planet Express ship.
Only Zoidberg remained behind. "Hooray!" he exclaimed to no one in particular. "Zoidberg saved the day with friends!" He scuttled into the portal just before it closed. The Monkey Talisman still lay on the floor, then disintegrated into dust.
To be continued…