Rurouni Kenshin is...not mine:(

This is an AU story and there might be some OOCness.

Elegy of love

My life

I don't believe in God, I don't believe in hell and I don't care who you are but if I'm talking to you now you're as good as dead.

How I ended living such life? Only God knows…oh right I don't have faith…at least not any more. Life's a bitch for most of people…well it's more like living hell for me. But then again I don't believe in it so my life it just…just…a game? I'm such a lousy player and yet somehow I manage to get through all the shit that this damn destiny throws at me…damn everything…I don't even believe in the destiny. That's all crap! You have to learn to cope with your own fears and forget about feelings. That's for the weak. You have weakness; your head flies. It's depressing, you're caught in a cage and you can't see the sky…it's so far away…that's why you don't believe. The madness isn't far away but there really isn't a way out.

I have this picture. I don't know why I keep carrying it around. There are three children on it and a woman, a beautiful and elegant one…there is also a man. He looks familiar…especially when red is around. That's how I remember all of them…unfamiliar faces…become familiar when I see red. The problem…I see it all the time. It's driving me insane. I was washing my hands franticly yesterday…they were all red at the end…red again. Still I keep the picture even if I detest looking at it. The man had it with him that night. It must have fallen out of his pocket because I found it on the ground. The children, the women, the man…they all smile. They seem happy, they probably were. Now? Who knows? I don't try to look for them; I don't want to know where they live. Why would I trouble myself with that too? I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I hope I die soon.

Before I got here I talked with my Master. He wasn't happy. He doesn't want to interfere in other's people business…he doesn't want to help. I couldn't, I can't stay put, not with all that's been going on in these cities. I had to do something back then; I have to do something now. And…I'm doing it pretty well from what I've heard. Fear is something that passes me by without noticing me so I have no idea how it looks like when a common meets someone like me. They're probably scared. Not enough though. They keep coming to the city. They don't stay home. I wouldn't stay either.

The only thing that's keeping me up right now is the thought that I'm helping to make something better out of this world. I'm waiting the new era to come; I'm carving it with my hands…like so many others. After all we're here for the same reason, we only chose different sides…out there we hate each other but in our hearts we want the same thing. Peace for everyone we love…HN…we love…who do I have to love? No one loves me and why should they. A shadow of a human being. I abandoned the only person who cared about me and was still alive. Everyone else was long gone, dead. Taken by God; first time through an illness and next through killers. Abandoning master was one of my biggest mistakes. I know that now but I can't go back. Not until this ends and even then, there's no way he'd take me back. The arrogant asshole he is, there's no way. I know it's my fault and I certainly deserve whatever hardship the life will bring and I swear I'll atone for my sins but still, the knowledge that you won't be forgiven for your deeds is heartbreaking. Well, well…heartbreaking…that means that my heart isn't a stone yet. Maybe there's still a chance for me…I'm afraid to hope because that means I'll fear death. It'll be the end of me.

Here he comes. The piece of paper slides under my door. I know what the message is and yet I fear to touch the letter. I just sit there looking into space, leaning against books I'll probably never read because I'll die too soon. Then I regain my strength, I collect my thoughts and I stand up. I reach for the message and read it. I pick up my daisho and leave the room.

I don't believe in God, I don't believe in hell and I don't care who you are but if I'm talking to you now you're as good as dead.

oOo

It's late. I have no job tonight. I'm on my way to one of the many Inns of this town. I enter and sit in the remote corner of the room. I order sake, a whole bottle of it. I slowly pour it in to the cup. Then I bring it to my lips and take a small sip of the drink. It tastes awfully, I can't even swallow. The small cup falls on the table and the rest of the liquor is wasted. People around me look at me when they hear the noise but they turn away soon. There isn't much to see, just someone who can't even get drunk to forget his pain. I remain sitting there for a while, and then I pick up my things, pay the bottle and leave the Inn.

I'm walking down the streets of the city once known as the City of flowers…no flowers here…not anymore…just darkness, pain and red. It's raining. I'm alone outside. The road is empty. I like it better this way. I'm not a very sociable person. Maybe that's way nobody really loves me. You have to be worthy to receive, something which I'm certainly not. Not with everything I've done. Even a dog would avoid meeting me, not that there is any on the streets right now. So there really isn't a living soul out here…except me. Suddenly I snap out of my thoughts and look up. Then I see him…

…I stare with wide eyes. The sight in front of me changes…I don't know if in a good way and I don't have time to think about it too much. I'm mesmerized. That wasn't supposed to happen. I can't bring myself to do my duty…no witnesses. I can't do it…why must everything be so difficult? Can't God just leave me alone? That wouldn't be the case…it seems I'm His favorite toy. Maybe He is doing it because I abandoned Him.

Red joins with white, blue and black…I'll never forget. It'll be engraved in my heart for as long as I live. It's such unexpected change.

I drop my daisho on the ground and in a blink of an eye I'm there. Rain is long forgotten. There is nothing old, just a new face…one that would remain familiar even without red…one that could change my soul…bring me back to life…give me faith.

Under the nightly sky of the City of flowers, under the cold rain and in the middle of a horrible war…I'm standing holding in my hands my future. Something I've learned only later, something that convinced me each of us has a destiny…it's written it the starts, foretold by God, unknown to men…yet it's there waiting for us to come.

My life is about to change, my life is about to turn upside down and I still have no idea about what was coming.

I don't feel the rain, I don't see the spy lying in the mud, my mind is blank, my heart is racing, my soul is serene…I only see that face and before I know it I'm holding Hope in my arms. Would you believe me if I told you it smelt like jasmine?

Life changes for all of us. My life changed with a very specific and calming scent.

AN: So what do you think? Please review and tell me if I should go on with the story or just leave it.