A/N: This story was written by me and Kali and Al and is our tribute to Mary Sues everywhere. We, as all good fanfic readers should, hate Mary Sues but do enjoy laughing at their stupidity. The title is a Coldplay song cause I started writing while I was listening to the cd 'X & Y.' So, ne! Read on and flame if you wish. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Oh, and none of this belongs to us. Well, actually, Kali belongs to herself and Minerva belongs to me since it is me…. And Allie belongs to me too, though I don't think she knows it yet. Oh well. Any other characters not from LOTR belong to themselves since they'll all be my friends from real life unless otherwise noted. This stuff is written according to movies, so events, people, places and so forth are according to the movies as we have found that most Mary Sue fics are according to the movies.
Oh, and as a final challenge to anyone who is interested, I offer you this. There is a very subtle Mel Brook's movie reference and a not so subtle 'Very Secret Diaries' reference in here. Mention it in your review if you find it!
It was about 3 am in the middle of July and two girls were sitting up,
faces lit by the glow of their laptops. The first girl was tall, about 5'10"
with waist length black hair that had streaks of neon green. Her grey-green
eyes were alight with laughter as she taunted another Lord Of The Rings
Mary-Sue filled fic. The second girl was shorter, about 5'9". She had a dark shade of brown hair with a deep shade of blue for half left side of her head. She brushed a lock of dark brown hair behind an ear and giggled maniacally as she flamed another fic. Her brown eyes sparkling with something akin to insanity.
"Stupid Mary Sues." The first girl muttered as she submitted a review.
"I know. They all suck!" The other girl responded with a manic glint in her eyes.
"Hey, Kali, wanna soda?" Kali nodded and the first girl stood and grabbed the aforementioned sodas.
"You know we're gonna be up all night Minerva." Kali said as they opened their sodas.
"Eh. How bout we watch Gandhi?"
"But then I won't know how this ends!"
"Kal, it's a Mary Sue. Let me tell you how it ends. Legolas heals all her wounds, mental and physical and they fall hopelessly in love. Then they get married and he becomes a king and everyone lives happily ever after."
"But this is an Aragorn fic!"
"Ok, well, substitute all the Legolas' with Aragorn."
"True." Kali nodded as Minerva turned Gandhi on and the pair shut down
their computers and spread out on the couch. Within minutes, the two were
sound asleep.
The next morning, Minerva was woken by a chilly draft.
"What the hell? Kal, get up. It's freaking cold." She shook Kali awake and the two looked around, more then slightly confused.
"Nerva, did you redecorate while we slept? Really, the black gates kinda remind me of the ones in Lord Of The Rings." Kali grinned evilly. "Hehehe...Evil!"
"No, I did not. Where did the couch go? Who are those dudes on horses? Why, by all the seven hells, are they in my house?" Minerva and Kali looked at each other as realization began to dawn on them.
"We were reading fan fics last night."
"And we wake up in an area resembling the Pelennor fields."
"A bunch of dudes who look like characters from Lord Of The Rings are
riding towards us."
"And now they're surrounding us." Minerva said softly as the riders circled around them. The two girls stood and took a good look at the riders before looking back at each other.
"CRAP!" They both yelled.
"NOOO! I don't wanna be a Mary Sue!" Minerva wailed.
Now of course, by this point the riders were severely confused. As Kali would say, "They are so definitely confuzzled.", but we aren't talking about her at the moment.
"LOVER!" A figure came rushing forward towards Minerva.
"ALI!"
This of course confuzzled everyone more than ever. Ali was shortish, with short bright red hair like flames, and blue eyes. Two other figures dropped down slowly from their horses and came towards them just a little slower. The tallest of them had long blond hair soft blue eyes that sparkled intelligently. The shortest of the all had brown eyes and slightly wavy, shoulder length, brown hair. An old man on a big white horse rode up. Nodding to the girls he spoke loud enough so everyone could here them, but he wasn't shouting.
"Lady Aleta, Lady Sam, and Lady Rozi. Perhaps you could introduce us to your friends." Al paused long enough in her hug to mention that she was hugging Minerva, and promptly continued hugging her.
"I'm Kali. Call me anything else and I will hurt you. Severely." She glared at everyone around her until they stopped staring
"Very well then, I am Gandalf the Whi-"
"Why white? White stains easily. Why not Gandalf the Maroon, or Gandalf the Faintly Greenish?" Everyone was staring at Kali. Again. So she glared at them again. By this point people were slowly backing away from her.
"How did we manage to end up in Middle Earth anyway, Gandalf?" Sam asked slowly.
"I suppose you have also been sent to help with this war by the Valar." Gandalf answered hoping he wouldn't be interrupted again. When he wasn't he continued, "Perhaps you are all great warriors where you hail from?" Minerva looked at Kali for one moment before realizing what she was up to. She always rambles about theories.
"That was a bad idea trying to explain a theory. She'll never stop talking about it now." Kali grinned evilly at that statement from Minerva.
"Really now that's not nice. Since none of us are warriors I go to the assumption that it was the fan fiction. The evil Mary Sue author of that most horrible one must've made it transport flamers to the plane of existence it was written about." More blank stares.
"That actually made sense." Rozi stated incredulously.
"That's a first." Minerva said with a teasing smile. "Anyway, I am actually Empress Minerva. In the world we come from, I am considered a goddess among mortals. I rule the earth."
"Nerva, shut the fuck up." Al rolled her eyes at her friend's outrageous claim.
"I'm so gonna kick your ass. Or maybe I'll have my minions do it."
"Minions my ass." Al snorted and looked at the riders for a few moments.
"Fine then. No more screwing!" Minerva exclaimed.
"Awwwww- wait… Nerva, we don't screw."
"No more shagging?"
"Nope, we don't do that either."
"Just feel god damned bad!" Minerva cast the Jewish eye of shame at Al. Al though for a moment before shaking her head at her.
"I don't wish to disturb your reunion but there is a battle approaching and we must go to buy Frodo some time." Aragorn spoke up, interrupting the girls enthusiastic chattering.
"Oh, really? What battle is this?" Sam asked with a slightly raised eyebrow.
"It is a battle for all of Middle Earth. We fight for the rest of the beings of Middle Earth. Those who fall will go to the halls of our forefathers." Aragorn replied, sounding rather noble.
"Your forefathers were monkeys." Minerva said nonchalantly, examining her finger nails absentmindedly. "Well, at least all the human's were. I don't know about elves or dwarves though I have a sneaking suspicion that dwarves are descended from moles or extremely hairy newts." She looked at the riders and cocked her head to one side. "Oh, but one can never truly know." She said with an overdramatic sigh.
At this statement, the humans looked rather offended and Gimli looked enraged. But really, who could blame them? Minerva had just completely insulted all their brave and great forefathers. Legolas, on the other hand, looked incredibly smug and pleased.
"Yes, well, get on your mounts. We have no more time to spare." Gimli spoke a bit gruffly and the girls rolled their eyes at each other.
"Nerva rides with me!" Al claimed before dragging Minerva off so they could get on a large black horse.
"I spose Rozi and I could share a horse and then Kal can ride alone." Sam suggested. The last three girls got on the appropriate horses and off the large army of rather angry men plus five excitable female teenagers rode. If Minerva noticed the large amount of dirty looks shot her way, she certainly didn't seem to care and if Kali noticed how there seemed to be no one (Besides the other teens, of course) who would ride within seven feet of her, she didn't seem to care either.
"Do you think that the orcs will look like the ones in Return Of The King? I mean everyone else does anyway." Rozi asked Sam, earning some strange looks and some suspicious muttering among the already irritable soldiers.
"Well, who the fuck cares?" Aleta declared, earning some gasps as it really wasn't normal for a lady to swear. Then again, Aleta wasn't really a 'lady' in the refined sense of the word anyway.
As they headed closer and closer to the black gates, Pippin shook his head and contemplated the situation before them. This is going to be a long, long journey. He finally decided. Of course there wasn't much time left anyway and the girls, clearly not trained in weapons of any sort would die there. Well, at least we'll only have to deal with them until the battle starts. Pippin brightened at the thought. Right?