Legal Blather- Sly Cooper and related characters are property of Sucker Punch. Schadenfreude is from the musical 'Avenue Q' and belongs to whoever owns it. Nee owns nothing but a corner in a round room (think about it) and of course the story itself.
Big Ass Warning - These aren't exactly nice characters in this story. They may do or say things some of you might find offensive. These are not the views of Nee Knight, they just the thoughts of two nasty pieces of work, who are bitter and angry at everyone.
Once again, these are not the views of Nee Knight! And if you're easily offended please stop reading now!
Still here... good. This was just an idea Nee had floating about. It's dedicated to the couple Nee's pretty sure no-one has done before... Sir Raleigh and Miss Ruby! Don't give Nee those looks, Nee thinks they'd make a good couple. Besides it makes a change from Sly and Carmelita. Nee isn't feeling right now, the words Nee changed only just fit the tune. But Nee can't do any better, this is only second attempt at writing Fanfiction and this is a musical. One day Nee might redo this... Maybe...
Schadenfreude - SAS01
In the deepest, darkest hole in Mowbury, there exists a prison. This mixed prison plays home to the worst men and women on the planet. The inmates so infamous, the world's government and law enforcement agencies deny their continued existence. It is in this prison the shamed knight of the realm, Sir Raleigh the Frog, was spending his fourth birthday inside.
"Where did all go wrong?" The croaker moaned loudly before throwing his head into his hands. In truth Sir Raleigh had only been captured two years prior, so having to spend his fourth birthday in Mowbury was a bitter blow to him. It caused him to remember back to the time he was so rich he could give himself a second birthday a year, it was so he was on the same level as the Queen. "Had it not been for that accursed raccoon, I would have be able to give myself a third!"
"Wha' you gripe 'bout now, you old toad?"
Raleigh looked up to see the white rabbit he (unfortunately) was currently sharing a cell with, Gunter Reigns. A ex-bomber for hire, Gunter was not one of the strongest guys in the prison but his mean streak made up for that.
"None of your bees-wax, you lop-eared freak!" The former pirate blurted out, forgetting his place. When word of what he just said reached his brain, Raleigh slapped his hands around his oversized mouth.
"Wha' woz that, fly muncher!" Grabbing Raleigh by the collar of his prison issue uniform, and drew his fist back, Reigns never did wait for an answer (it was part of the reason he got caught).
'At least this will give me something to write in my journal.' The old frog knew not to struggle when it came to a beating. You were going to get it eventually, so may as well close your eyes and wait for it. Which the frog did, he waited... and waited... and waited... Used to getting things quickly, thanks to his rich upbringing, Raleigh grew impatient and opened his eyes, "WHAT ARE YOU waitin..."
What Raleigh saw upon open his eyes both confused and disturbed him. The rabbit had let go of the frog's prison clothes and now appeared to be doing the one finger salute with both hands. He also began shouting obscenities.
"That's a right funny song and dance he's got going on there, don't cha think?" Squeezing through the thin cell doorway was the queen of VooDoo and former 'Fiendish Five' member, Ms Ruby. In her hand was a small straw doll of the rabbit. "Now I think the guys on Death Row would love to see your little jig, don't you?" With her free hand the croc tossed the bomber out the door she'd just came through. "Run off and have some fun, sugar, whilst Aunt Ruby has a chat with Uncle Raleigh."
Not wanting to see what became of his cell mate, the frog fixed his gaze on Miss Ruby as the lop-eared bunny went on his way off to the Death Row. Had it been in his nature, Raleigh would probably have thanked Ruby then and there. But he hadn't been sent to Mowbury for nothing.
"What are you doing here, Ms Ruby?"
"Well apart from saving your sorry butt from a whoopin'," She chuckled as she sat herself on Raleigh's bunk beside him. "I sensed some bad mojo coming from down here 'n' checked it out. Wouldn't cha know it, it was coming from you." She punched him in the arm. "So what's up?.. Apart from the obvious."
"Not a thing, my dear. Everything tickety-boo."
"Now don't you take that tone with me, mister." Miss Ruby spoke as if she were scolding a child. "I know when something's wrong, my mojo senses don't lie, and ya know what else, I think I know what it is..." She said clearing her throat.
"Right now you are in jail and broke and feeling really bad."
"Oh no, she's singing again."
"And when I see how sad you are,
It makes me kinda.
Glad!"
"Glad!"
"Sorry, Raleigh, villain nature-
Nothing you can do!
It's.
Schadenfreude!
It's me thanking God, I ain't you."
"Now that was uncalled for, Ruby!"
"I didn't say it was called for! But even heroes do it!" Ruby skipped off to her cell with Raleigh in tow, and the sight that greeted the old frog's eye filled his heart with joy. The cell was a shrine to Cooper and co's misfortunes, no matter how slight. Newspaper cuttings, printouts of internet forum gossip and even a TV showing some spliced-together security camera footage. The crazied croc grabbed a copy of yesterday's newspaper with the headline 'Cooper: Art Museum Vandal'.
"Didn't ya laugh when Sly Cooper fell 'n' dropped that thing made of glass?"
"...Yes..." The shamed knight of the realm had to concede that point. However it had been on page sixteen on his broadsheet, not like on the front page of Ms. Ruby's tabloid.
"What about when that two-bit cop fell on her ass?" The queen of VooDoo pointed to the security tape of Inspector Fox chasing Cooper and going on 'a trip' into some trash bins.
"Sure!"
"And didn'tcha jump with joy,
When Cooper lost his cane!" The TV now showed when Cooper had his cane taken from him by one of Clockwork's robots.
"You bet!"
"It's..."
"Schadenfreude!" Both the criminals shouted out at the same time. Much to the croc's delight, Raleigh was lightening up.
"People taking pleasure in your pain!" Miss Ruby finished the verse. As much the pirate wanted to ask 'How a swamp's VooDoo Queen knew the German sounding word?' or 'Where all this Broadway Music was coming from?', the question that needed a immediate answer was what in blue blazes they were singing about.
"Hmm, Schadenfreude, huh?
Isn't that some sort of Nazi word?"
"Yup! It's German for happiness at the misfortune of others!"
"Happiness at the misfortune of others..." The croaker mulled it over in his head.
"That is German!"
As those words left Raleigh's lips, the wierd music that filled the background picked up. When it did that, Raleigh decided to take a stroll down memory lane.
"Remembering when Old man Cooper got that royal kickin'."
"And imagining his boy's face when his family book was rippin'!"
"Hearing Sly Cooper sobbing behind that closet door!"
"Boo Hoo!" They both made overblow theatrical gesters. Bringing their wart-encrusted fists up to their eyes, they rubbed them to take away their false tears. This was followed by a fit of laughter. "Schadenfreude!"
"Crying for his old man dead on the kitchen floor!"
Raleigh looked out the cell door and caught sight of one of their former partners...
"Ooh, how about.
MuggShot meeting tougher SOBs"
The bitter frog knew the big dog prided himself on being the baddest dog in the yard. It had almost destroyed him when he saw the inmates of Mowbury prison, now the thug dreaded new inmates in case he got his tail handed to him again.
Ruby's eyes were focused on Gunter returning from Death Row, walking quite funny, in a remarkable shade of claret.
"Cellmates crawling on their knees." She sang with a bin grin on her grotesque face.
"Seeing Clockwork take his dirt nap!" The pirate turned back to the TV to see the old bird final moments.
"Hearing the diggers lose their map!" Ruby called attention to the muffled 'Oh Shit' coming from below their feet. The frog however paid the noises no attention as he seemed to be in his own little world.
"Your enemies dying in battle!"
"Ooo the new boy's getting rattled!"
This brought Raleigh out of his daydream. The 'Fresh Fish Induction' was always a hoot. Today's was that cocky forger, Dimitri's turn. Knowing what the lizard had been like on the outside, the pirate piped up...
"Watching others get arrested" Miss Ruby knew what was coming next and jumped in.
"Those who thought they could not be bested!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!"
Landing back down on the bunk in Miss Ruby's cell, the two convicts were thoroughly exhausted. The crazied croc reached back to a shelf and produced two plastic cups and a bottle of VooDoo juice which had been smuggled in last laundry run.
"The world needs villains like you and me,
Who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when citizens see us, they don't want to be us,
And that makes them feel great." She sang as she poured Raleigh and herself a pitcher of VooDoo juice each.
"Sure!
We provide a vital dis-service causing anarchy!"
The English pirate took his cup from the warper of all things natural as the music picked up ready for the pair to bat out one last duet.
"You and me!
Schadenfreude!
Making the world a crummy place.
Making the world a crummy place.
Making the world a crummy place.
To beeeeeee!"
"S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!" Miss Ruby shouted loud enough for the whole of D-Wing to hear. With the music completely gone and both of their cold hearts beating faster then they ever had done before, two residents of Mowbury mixed prison sat back on Ruby's bunk and sipped their cups of the strange liquid.
"Thank Ruby, dear. I'm in much higher spirits after that."
"You know Sir Raleigh, that was another way Miss Jacqueline Ruby could have cheered you up." She coyly said curling her huge tail around a now very scared frog.
Raleigh gulped, and stared down into his cup of Voodoo juice. After a few seconds the horror on his face subsided as he downed the remaining contents of the cup and tossed it over his shoulder.
"(sigh) Ah what the hell!" And with that the decrepit old frog planted a big wet one on the humungous croc. What happened next is just between two convicts themselves... And every single horrified inmate occupying the adjacent cells.
Confusing, wasn't it? O.0 And just think on the ugly, ugly babies... Read, Review, Please don't flame Nee.
Those of you who have trouble following the lyrics, please E-mail Nee and Nee'll E-mail just the lyrics.