A/n: Thank you to all of the people who have so kindly decided to review! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well! (And just an advance warning, but I'm going to have to alter some of the time lines of things to fit my story.)
Chapter 5 – The Encounter
As the day progressed, Michelle couldn't help but look down in a certain direction at a certain man. Even though they weren't even in the same room, she could feel his distinctive presence. She saw earlier how he had managed to accurately predict what Jack was trying to do while luring the other men into a cross-fight. She also noticed how he didn't gloat in front of her; instead, he merely gave a short acknowledgement that he was right and moved right back to working.
He also looked different. He looked as if he had worked out recently, and all of the muscle weight he lost after he was released from prison, he had gained back. And she had to admit it, he looked damn good. But she quickly scolded herself. After all, I have a fiancé whom I love very much. Very much. Yes. I loved Brett. Don't I? Of course I do! What kind of a thought was that? After all I said yes to his proposal, that has to mean I love him!
Fortunately for Michelle, the day would soon come to an end with everything working out and once again, CTU had foiled another mass terrorist attempt. Everyone at CTU was exhausted, and most of her co-workers had left for the night…save one.
Tony was still there. He sat at his station, working furiously, almost as if they were still in the midst of a crisis. Michelle was tired, but she didn't want to leave. She had no idea when she would get to see him again, and even if it meant watching him from afar, she was content with doing so.
Tony knew that the workday was over, but well, frankly, he had no one to go home to. And loneliness was both his best friend and his worst enemy. There were times of the day when he just wished people would leave him alone, but at night, when he returned home to an empty apartment, he couldn't help but want some sort of companionship with someone. Anyone.
It wasn't like he didn't try to get over Michelle. He had dated. Many girls actually. It was simply the fact that he wasn't into any of them. Most of the girls he asked out were great girls. In fact, girls that he should have taken more interest in.
The dates all started out the same way. Some attractive, smart girl asked him out for dinner, and he accepted, wanting some company for the night. Dinner was pleasant. Both of them would make small talk. Previous jobs, present job, previous relationships. But every time the conversation turned towards previous relationships, Tony could help but imagine it was Michelle' eyes he was looking into.
At one point during a date, he had inadvertently called some girl Michelle, and then blushing profusely, he had apologized, trying desperately to cover up for his mistake by saying that he had asked her if she liked sea shells. Thankfully the other girl hadn't been paying much attention to Tony while he talked and didn't notice his small slip.
But today had been too much. And it wasn't due to the immense stress put on him by the thought of yet another terrorist strike against LA. No, he was used to that type of stress. After all, he had sacrificed his life for Michelle's. The stress was simply by being in the same room as Michelle.
Seeing her again had broken him. He had tried so desperately these past months to just forget her. To erase the best thing that had ever happened to him. Because it hurt. It hurt to much to remember. He had nightmares for months, nightmares that included her being threatened and him not being able to do anything. And occasionally, the worst nightmare was the one of him opening up that letter.
The letter that destroyed a man many thought to be invincible. But he showed no one of his hurt. Not even his family. His parents had thought he had completely moved on, but never forgetting to prod him about finding another girl, and preferably one that would give his parents grandchildren.
His younger sister had noted a change in her brother's demeanor, but she knew him better than to ask. She knew that if she confronted him, he would simply deny it and cover it up with some lame excuse. Instead, she tried to help by setting him up on dates with her single friends who had always thought her older brother was cute.
Tony's brothers were too busy to really notice anything about him. They all had their own families to tend to, and most of them had left LA to go back to Chicago anyways. So Tony was left alone to suffer in his pain. He had no one to talk to.
So bored was he that he had even went out and bought a cat. He knew he couldn't keep a dog because he would never have time to walk it, but a cat, they could fend for themselves. He had picked her up at the local pound. She was just a kitten then, a couple weeks old. She had been abandoned by her family and the people at the SPCA had told him that she was quite scared of humans and preferred to be alone rather than to be held.
But when Tony had picked up this tiny orange tabby, she had clung to his shirt and wouldn't let go. Even after the SPCA lady tried to bribe her some fresh milk, the cat still clung to Tony's shirt for dear life. And that's when Tony knew that he couldn't let go of this cat. He just had to take her. And take her he did. He named his little kitten, Tugger. Partly after Tigger the Tiger, but since this one kept tugging at his shirt, he felt the name Tugger was more appropriate.
And although Tugger was adequate company in the evenings, Tony missed having someone to talk to. He remembered all of the nights when him and Michelle would simply stay up all night and just talk. They would talk about everything. The weather, their family, their childhood, their future together.
Even when they were both silent, it seemed as if their hearts talked to one another. Her head in his lap and his fingers gently stroking her beautiful hair. They had sat like that for hours un-end. They would talk, they would laugh, they would be complete. Tony missed those moments. But what he missed most of all was when they played. It sounds silly to anyone else, but to him those were the best parts of his relationship with Michelle.
He remembered back to a time when he had tried to teach her how to cook. And he remembered how determined she was to cook even the simplest of meals…breakfast. She went through seven eggs that day to try and properly make a sunny-side up egg. Every time she made a mistake, her brow would furrow in frustration while Tony silently laughed to himself.
She had noticed him chuckling, and had immediately feigned hurt. Then of course, he had come to his own defense, saying he was laughing at the refrigerator and how it was so…funny looking. She had laughed at his pitiful attempt to lie. Then he had walked up behind her, wrapped his arms around her small waist, and just held her close to him.
She had relaxed into his arms, wishing that the moment could last forever. She had never felt safer. More loved. More complete than when she was in his arms. He completed her in every aspect of the word. Of course, that had led to her burning her seventh egg and while she sighed at her inability to cook, Tony found it cute. Tony instead promised that she would never have to cook and that he would always be there to cook for her. And as long as she stayed with him she would never have to worry about anything other than setting the table.
As this memory played back in his mind, he couldn't help but smile. It just so happened that Michelle looked down at that very moment and saw Tony with a small smile on his face. A look she had forgotten. She hadn't seen him smile in the longest time. And for a moment, she couldn't help but smile.
Lost in his own thoughts, Tony had noticed that Michelle was still up in her office. When he looked up and saw that her light was still open, he was surprised. Shouldn't she have gone home by now? It was well past 1am. Wouldn't her fiancé be concerned about her not being home? He decided to finish off the files he had on hand and then leave for the night.
Of course, being the gentleman, Tony had hoped that Michelle would leave first. He didn't really want her to be alone in such a big office all by herself. But then again, he didn't really want to be stuck in such a large building with her…alone. Their encounter earlier that day had already proved awkward. And although Tony had hoped that there was some chance of them getting together, his hopes had been crushed when he saw another man's ring on her finger.
The best he could hope for now was a friendship. But damn it, he didn't want a friendship with Michelle. They had never been just friends. Even from their very first encounter, Tony had felt a spark go off between him and Michelle. And now, to be resigned to the role of a friend? He couldn't go through that. He couldn't be her friend knowing that he wanted so much more.
As he thought back on their meeting, he couldn't help but wonder, what if there was hope yet for us? I could have sworn I saw a certain glow in her eyes when we were talking. And she's trying to hide something from me. I know it. I saw that look in her eyes. She had always been a terrible liar. What if….What if she still cared?
But she wouldn't. Of course she wouldn't. But. What if she still did? His heart battled his brain furiously for control. His heart begged him to go and ask her, while his brain told him to stop before he made a fool of himself. As his mind said no, his heart screamed at him "Coward!" Was he doomed to become one of those men who grow old alone and always wonder, "what if?" As his heart and mind continued to battle for control, he heard a noise upstairs.
He instinctively looked up at her office, and noticed that she seemed to be glowing. Was it because she was thinking of Brett? Or was it because maybe, just maybe, she was thinking of me? Then, in a moment of invincibility, he made the decision to go upstairs and confront Michelle about them. And whether or not there was any hope left for them. Any hope at all.
He strode confidently up the stairs, knowing that at least no one could call him coward for not asking. As Michelle heard footsteps approach her, she knew that he was coming. Why was he coming? To tell her he was leaving? But she didn't want him to leave. She wanted to absorb as much of him as she possibly could. And frankly, she didn't want to be left alone in the building either.
She prepared herself to receive him. She straightened out her already straight hair, and tried to smooth over some creases that had formed in her skirt. She then tried to look as if she had been busily working so that he wouldn't know she had spent most of the past couple of hours staring at him. But still, nothing she did would prepare her for his overwhelming presence when he entered into the room.
Tony knocked on her door lightly, tentatively, politely. He walked into the room and for a while, he just stood there, staring at her. Not knowing quite what to say. He stared at her for a few seconds, and then turned around without saying anything. He proceeded to go back downstairs, as he was looking quite foolish with his mouth half open simply staring at her.
Michelle was beyond confused by this time. Tony had just walked into her office, but instead of saying anything, he just stood there. Mouth slightly agape and simply staring at her. She didn't know what to do. Should she ask him what he wanted? But as soon as she had opened her mouth to speak, he had turned moving to go downstairs again.
And as Tony walked away silently, he cursed himself for being such an idiot. How could he just walk up to her office and not saying anything? How could he just stand there looking like a complete idiot without saying anything to her at all? And as he proceeded down the stairs, his heart once again screamed, "COWARD!"
Well, Tony Almeida was no coward, so determined, he started to make his way up again. But a few steps before reaching Michelle's office, his brain got the better of him, and told him that he would only act like a fool in front of Michelle and embarrass himself, so again, he proceeded downstairs. This pattern continued for quite some time, and Michelle, well, Michelle was beyond perplexed. She kept seeing the top of Tony's head pop into her view, before he made his way back down, only to make his way back up momentarily.
What was he doing? Was this some sort of exercise he did nightly? Cause if it was, it was just slightly creepy. Or what if he wanted to talk? Is he deciding to talk to me? Oh God, what if he wants an answer to why I left him? I'm not ready for that talk yet. I can't talk to him about that, and with that, she began to pace around her office.
Finally, Tony had decided, he would go up to her office and confront her. So leaping up the stairs, he barged into her office looking at her with piercing eyes and he said two simple words that would echo in Michelle's mind for many days to come. Tony stormed into her office and asked, "Why him?"
Michelle, stunned by this question asked, "Excuse me?"
Tony, refusing to give up now, asked again, "Why Brett?"
Michelle by now had no intention of continuing this conversation and countered, "What do you mean 'Why Brett?'"
Tony, gaining confidence said, "Why did you choose him over me? What does he have that I don't have?"
Michelle didn't know exactly how to approach this question. And giving Tony the 'I don't know' answer wouldn't cut it. He wouldn't rest until he had gotten an answer from her. This was one part of Tony she couldn't stand. His stubbornness. But she knew that his stubbornness was also what made him great. She admired that about him. She always had and she still did. She admired how he stood up for his beliefs, for his friends, for her.
He had always been the first to come to her rescue. She remembered this one time when they had gone into a club and some random guy started getting a little too close to comfort. Michelle had this look of pure desperation in her eyes as the much taller guy towered over her almost threateningly, but then came Tony. He had told the other guy to back off and had come to Michelle's rescue. He knew that she was feeling uncomfortable and without even speaking, he had come to her aid.
As she reminisced about the past, Tony noticed that she had this far-off look in her eyes. As if she was remembering their past. Or at least he hoped it was their past together. So tentatively he asked, "Michelle? Are you going to answer my question at all?"
Michelle looked at him, he was so vulnerable. Like a small puppy dog that she just wanted to take into her arms and hold. But then she remembered. She remembered that day that ruined her life. And she couldn't help herself when tears began to form in her eyes. She desperately tried to hide them from Tony. She didn't want him to see her cry. She didn't want him to know that he still had an effect on her.
Michelle hadn't told anyone of what Tony had done. Not Megan, not her parents, no one. She was too afraid that if she told anyone, it would never leave her memory. Everyone would know about it and everyone would just constantly mention it. So she kept it to herself. She, like Tony, suffered alone. Refusing to let the world in for the fear of getting hurt once more.
Unfortunately for Michelle, Tony had already noticed the tears in her eyes and went closer to her to comfort her. He carefully treaded, "Michelle? Are you okay? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" He moved towards her to envelop her in a comforting hug, but as soon as he got close, she pushed him away vehemently saying bitterly,
"Why are you here, Tony? What do you want from me?"
Tony stared at her in disbelief, did she still not know? How could she not know that he wanted her? He had always wanted her. Only her. No one else in the world even came close to being her. "You don't know what I want?"
Michelle scoffed at this slightly, "Of course I don't. It doesn't seem like I know much of anything anymore."
Tony stared at her in disbelief, wanting nothing more than to wipe away her tears, to hold her, to be near her. But he knew that she would never let him do that. She was too stubborn. Too proud. Qualities he had adored about her then but now he desperately wished that she would just give into him.
Instead of approaching her, Tony asked the question that had haunted him for the past year, "What did I do? What did I do to make you stop loving me?"
Instead of directly answering him, Michelle scoffed and said, "Funny, but I was about to ask you the same thing."
Tony stared at her in confusion, what did she mean? What was she talking about? She thought the he didn't love her anymore? How could she be so blind? Of course he still loved her! He wouldn't still be here if he still didn't feel something about her.
Tony looked at her and he asked a question she had been fearing he would ask, he simply said, "Do you love him?"
Michelle stared at him in disbelief. The audacity he had in asking her that question! Of course she loved Brett! Didn't she?
Casting her momentary doubt aside, she answered bitterly, "Of course I love him! Don't you get it Tony? I love Brett! I don't love you anymore. Hell, I don't even know who are you are anymore. And what business is it of yours who I'm with? Obviously you don't care anymore…"
Tony interrupted her abruptly saying a little louder than he had planned to, "I don't care about you anymore! Michelle, I've always cared about you! You left me! I've always loved you! I still love you!"
Michelle desperately wanted to believe his words, but she knew that her heart would not survive if he broke it again. Despite her heart's plea to give Tony another chance, her mind kept reminding her of that one fateful day. Michelle was exhausted. She had refused to cry and there she was crying again.
Tony by now was getting agitated, he didn't understand why she was crying and why she felt so much pain. She wasn't the one that was left without an explanation. He then proceeded to almost shout at her,
"Why are you crying? And if I recall correctly, you're the one who left me, Michelle! You left me! With no explanation whatsoever! You just packed up and left me! And now. Now you're engaged! I had nothing Michelle! I gave up my whole goddamn life for you! And this is how you repay me? By getting engaged to some son-of-a-bitch who doesn't deserve you?
Christ, I must some hell of a stupid idiot. I thought we meant something. If I knew that you were just going to leave me after I got out of prison for you maybe I shouldn't have saved you after all. That's what everyone else wanted anyways. That's even what you wanted! But no, of course, I had to be stupid brave knight in shining armor and come to poor Michelle's rescue!
I just to save you! God, I was stupid! And look at how far it got me! Nowhere! Nowhere Michelle! I don't have you anymore. I don't have anything! I've lost everything in my life! All because of my stupid obsession with love. I thought you loved me! You know how many nightmares I had while in prison? And all of them were the same. You were being attacked and I could do nothing to help you. You know how bad that made me feel?
That I wasn't even able to protect my own goddamn wife? You want to know why I saved you? Other than the fact that I loved you? Because I made a promise. When I asked your father for permission to ask you to marry me, he made me promise that I would always protect his little girl. I didn't want to break my freaking promise so I risked everything to save you. And this is what I get in thanks. You, sleeping with another man. Fantastic. This is exactly how I planned my life."
Tony looked into Michelle's eyes pleadingly, saying to her, "I lost everything Michelle. Everything."
Michelle finally looked up at Tony and said to him, "You didn't lose everything Tony. You only lost me."
Tony replied solemnly saying one simple word, "Exactly."
By now, Michelle was crying freely. Crying for herself. Crying for Tony. Crying for them and what could have been. Tony saw the pain he had caused Michelle and immediately went towards her, hoping to comfort her in any way possible. As he approached her, Michelle instinctively pushed him away. Frustrated, Tony tried again, only to be met with her tiny fists pushing him away.
Tony, however, would not give up and instead, moved towards her once more. Before he knew it, her fists balled up and she was hitting him lightly. She had no strength left in her to hit him hard. He held her wrists gently, trying to calm her down.
Every cruel memory, every forgotten feeling, every single she had shed over Tony and everything she had given up to be with him was released. And she screamed at him while weakly hitting him, "It's your fault! It's your fault!"
Tony's jaw dropped when he saw how much pain Michelle was in. How could she be in so much pain? She left me! Michelle however, kept hitting him. She tried to move her wrists as much as possible and hit him over and over until she just didn't have any energy left at all. Her punching was reduced to tiny jabs and she faintly whispered, "It's….It's….all….your….fault."
Tony cautiously released her wrists and carefully looked down at her, "What's my fault Michelle? What did I do to make you hate me?
In fact, if I remember correctly, you're the one who left me. Actually, I should be angry with you! I should be the one hitting you because I'm just as angry at you as you are at me!"
For the first time, Michelle raised her eyes to meet his and said quietly,
"Then hit me. I'd rather you hit me with your fists than have you hit me with your words or with your pain. I'd rather you hit me because while bruises may fade, your words, I can't flee them. They echo and resonate in my head and they just won't leave me.."
Those simple words were enough to send a blow stronger than any other he had faced in a long while. There would be no bullet proof vest or no armored shield strong enough to protect Tony's heart from those words. But Tony persisted, "Michelle, what…is…my…fault?"
And with that, Michelle gave in. She was too weak to fight him anymore. She just wanted him to leave her alone.
"It's your fault that I fell in love with you! Why did you have to be so amazing! Why did you have to be everything I've ever wanted in a man? Why did I have to fall in love with you?"
Her voice broke as sobs wracked her body and she managed to quietly whisper, "And why did you have to take everything away?"
Tony knew just from the look of desperation in her eyes that she wasn't lying. For someone so private to open up and confess that she had loved him with every inch of her being was like wishing on a star. To allow herself to fall that deeply in love with him, that took a lot of guts. But she had loved him with every inch of her being. Tony although caught up in the moment did not miss the use of past tense when she said "loved."
Michelle looked at him, and she pushed him gently away before walking away from him. Desperately trying to make a run for the door so that she could get out of this situation. Just as she reached the door, Tony's hand rested on the door. Refusing to let her go. He had lost her once and he wasn't about to let it happen again.
She could feel his breath on her neck and it sent shivers through her body. She instantly moved away from him. Much to his dismay, she slipped right past him.
She said forcefully, "I told you nothing would change between us Tony. Just let me go. I don't want to talk to you anymore. I just want to go home."
Tony refused to give in. Instead of answering her, he stepped towards her, staring into her eyes, willing her to look into his. Trying to look and see whether or not even an ounce of love she held for him still remained.
She spoke to him in anger. With bitter words that pierced his heart, but he refused to believe that bitter memories were the only thing that resided in her heart. He refused to believe that she had lost all of her love for him.
He looked into her eyes to see what her heart felt, and not what her brain screamed at her to listen to.
Michelle desperately stepped backwards, refusing to look into his eyes. She knew that if she looked into them, she would be entranced. And she would become irrational and lose whatever little control she had left. But mostly, she was terrified that she would feel something, anything if she were to look into his eyes again.
But even as she backed away, he approached her.
She asked once more, urgently, "What do you want from me?"
Tony said nothing, and watched as Michelle continued to back up.
Michelle backed up straight into the corner of the room...
And when she looked up, Tony was a foot in front of her.
And their eyes met. Unintentionally.
Michelle's heart skipped a beat as she looked into his eyes.
They both stood silently, simply staring at each other.
For almost five minutes, all they did was stare at each other. Neither daring to break the silence for fear that it would bring them back to reality.
Finally, Tony broke the silence and he smiled at her. "Do you remember?"
Michelle looked away from his eyes and suddenly found her feet most interesting to stare at, and then as he approached her, she closed her eyes.
Tony noticed that a small curl still hung loosely by the side of Michelle's head and gently curled it behind her ear.
Michelle could feel her heartbeat quickening as he touched her. His touch was electrifying. It was as if sparks were flying everywhere when he touched her.
And once again, Tony questioned lightly, "Chelle?"
Michelle's eyes whipped up at the mention of his nickname for her. She hadn't heard anyone call her that in ages. Brett had always referred to her as Michelle. And frankly she didn't want Brett calling her Chelle. That was Tony's nickname for her.
And as she stared deep into his eyes, she said, "I love you Tony…"
Tony's eyes widened, his chest heaved a huge sigh of relief and his mouth broke into a huge grin. He never thought he would hear those words uttered from her lips again. And he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and kiss her.
His whole face started to lift joyously, when she said one word. One word that destroyed his momentary joy.
"But…"
Tony knew that what little hope he had was crushed. "…that will be the last time you will ever hear me say those words to you."
Michelle struggled to control herself. She didn't know whether she should cry in sadness, or scream in frustration. Tony didn't realize it at the time, but he had broken through her seemingly uncaring and cold attitude. He had gotten her to reveal her true feelings for him.
Michelle did love Tony. She never stopped loving him. Even though she was with Brett, she would never stop loving Tony. He was the first and only love she would ever have. She knew of this. But Michelle was too afraid. Too afraid to be hurt again. Too afraid to let him into her heart again.
She remembered the one line from Moulin Rouge, the only chick flick Tony had ever agreed to take her to see. "Without trust, there can be no love."
And Michelle didn't trust Tony. She didn't trust Tony to hold the key to her heart. She was too vulnerable, as had been proven earlier.
Michelle tried not to cry as she saw the hope and light disappear from Tony's eyes. She gently put her hands on his shoulders.
She then whispered, "Goodbye, Antonio."
The second hardest thing she ever had to do in her life was to pull herself away from Tony. The first was obviously leaving him, but this was more difficult than she had anticipated. She then walked towards the door, and this time, Tony wasn't there to stop her from leaving.
She took one last look at him, he hadn't moved. His back was still towards him, and his head bowed down facing the wall.
And with all of the strength she had left in her, she left him. Left the man that she loved above all else in the world.
A/n: Again, if you could review, it'd be much appreciated!