A/N: Now I am here with you, no second thoughts...I am hungry. So hungry...

Happy Birthday angel-tears-16!

:Hojo:
As soon as Fukuru-dono left me, I decided things would go better if I was shirtless and freezing to death, so I threw off my trenchcoat, but once I was in my very thin pirate shirt I lost my nerve, and dashed down the stairs, hands wrapped around my shoulders because I was, indeed, freezing.
Until I fell down a trap door into a really big bucket of water...

Help! I can't swim!
-

-
No wait...I learned to swim when my brother pointed out that it would be nessecary if I was taking a boat to the North Pole to look for Santa Claus.
So I swam to the surface, and luckily came up right next to a random opening off to the side, so then I climbed in there.
My, this Phantom is one to be feared!
HE RUINED MY HAIR!

:Kagome:

I stepped out from behind the screen, twirling around. How do you like it? I said cheerfully.
Inuyasha thought for a minute. Good fit. he concluded.
I was about to smack him for being so un-romantic when he grabbed my hand. Wait, I think my dear, we have a guest!
I turned, and who should I see stumbling up to the porticullis (which was down), but- I groaned.
Inuyasha was smirking now, and continued with his song. Sir, this is indeed, an unparalleled delight. I- had rather hoped, that you would come! And now, my wish comes true, you have truly made my night.
Why on earth did he want Hojo-kun to show up? I was feeling rather miffed, actually.
By a miracle's chance, he figured out his lines. Free her! Do what you like, only free her!
What if what I like is keeping her? Inuyasha asked.
Hojo-kun paused only for a second. Have you no pity?
Inuyasha snorted. Your lover makes a passionate plea!
He's not my lover! I responded in annoyance.
Hojo-kun gave me a wounded look.
Oh, you forgot the lyrics, right? I asked. I'm mostly doing improv, but here, take a copy, Inuyasha has tons. I threw a script to him, and my ex-finacee eagerly flipped through it to the end.
Hey, that's mine! Inuyasha protested.
Do you want to be stuck here forever while he tries to remember his line? I pointed out.
I love her! Hojo-kun shouted in a plea for attention, Does that mean nothing, I love her! Show some compassion!
That was a laugh. He loved his trenchcoat more than me.
The world showed no compassion to me! Inuyasha snarled.
Kagome-chan, Kagome-chan, let me see her! The viscount whined.
I'm right here. I said loudly.
Be my guest, monsieur. Inuyasha said calmly, raising the porticullis.
Hojo-kun ran over to me, but I wouldn't let him hug me. What do you want? I said coldly.
Inuyasha, being the spotlight hog he is, continued his song. Monsieur, I bid you welcome- did you think that I would harm her? Why would I make her pay- for the sins which are yours! With that, he pulled a rope out of nowhere, fast throwing it around Hojo-kun's neck, and fastening it around the porticullis. Then he turned to me. Start a new life with me, buy his freedom with your love, refuse me and you send your lover to his death- This is the choice! This is the point of no return!
I just stared at him. Was he kidding? Was this Inuyasha's sick, twisted way of saying Will you marry me Kagome?'. I looked at him. I really hope you're not waiting for me to sing something. Because all I can think of is- you are seriously afraid of rejection.
Hojo-kun squinted at the script. I think you're supposed to sing something about tears of hate.
I frowned. Now that's just insulting. Carry on without me, I have to brood for a while.
Hojo-kun began whining. Kagome-chan forgive me, please forgive me. I did it all for you and-
I lost track of his groveling song- just as well, because I was disgusted- instead I heard Inuyasha easily overpower him.
Past- all thought of cries for help, no point in fighting! For either way you choose, you cannot win!
I am not so sure about that- seems like a win-win situation to me. I guess if I loved Hojo-kun, it would be different.
Inuyasha's voice swept over me again (I was faintly aware of Hojo-kun wailing something to song in the background) So do you end your days with me, or do you send him to his grave!
Why make her lie to you to save- me? Hojo-kun retorted.
Good line, but not accurate.
Past the point of no return! Inuyasha shouted, The final threshold- His life is now the prize which you must earn-
Angel of music- I cut in.
You've passed the point of no re...turn. Inuyasha finished.
I tried to sum up my thoughts quickly, as the song seemed to have reached a conclusion.
I loved Inuyasha.
Hojo-kun annoyed me.
There was a noose around Hojo-kun's head.
Inuyasha was holding it.
You try my patience! Inuyasha snarled. Make your choice!
Choice? What choice?
Beautiful creature of darkness- I began.
Hojo-kun made a strangled sound. I shot him a look. Be quiet. You're the pitiful one here.
I walked over to Inuyasha. -What kind of life, have you known? I don't know what Kikyo told you- but you are not alone!
I shut my eyes so I wouldn't have to see Hojo-kun making an ass of himself in the background and kissed Inuyasha.

:Inuyasha:
I have to admit, I was rather flattered that she kept changing the lines to be nicer.
But did she have to close her eyes? Was I that repulsive?
I broke away from her kiss. You don't have to force yourself. I said bitterly. If you hate me so much you can't even look at me, then don't even bother. I threw the rope away.
The bastard began to run towards her, but to my shock she screamed at him.
GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, DE CHAGNY!
My eyes widened. Kagome- did you just say what I thought you said?
I most certainly did! she snapped. Now raise the damn porticullis so he can get out of here.
Shocked, I obeyed. Her sniveling ex-fiancee stumbled out.

:Kagome:
I have never been so pissed off since the time Tsubaki-dono called me a whore.
How could he possibly think that I hated him?
I grabbed Inuyasha by the shoulder. Okay. I've been through quite enough, I think. Now will you please explain your thinking?
You can't even look at me before you kiss me? he snapped.
I rolled my eyes. Oh, honestly. Didn't you see Hojo-kun thrashing around in the background? That was what I was closing my eyes to. Not you. I smiled up at him. Not ever you.
Inuyasha's eyes lit up like someone who thinks they've lost all hope, but gains it again. And I noticed something.
Your eyes. I said slowly. They're amber again.
Do you like it? he half-whispered.
I smiled again. I love it.
He began to lean down- I began to lean up- when I heard drums thumping.
Distant voices sang, Track down this murderer, he must be found. Hunt down this animal, who runs to ground! Who is this monster, this murdering beast? Revenge for Manten! Revenge for Mushin! Too long he's preyed on us, but now we know, the Phantom of the Opera is there, deep down below!
His eyes widened.
No...no, he couldn't. He just couldn't.
Inuyasha grabbed me by the shoulder. Kagome, you have to get out of here. If you take the boat, you'll make it out just before they make it in. Even if they find you, you will be fine. That mob's only after me.
I said firmly.
Inuyasha stared at me. Are you crazy, Kagome? That mob is out for blood. If they can't get mine, they just might settle for yours instead!
I'm not leaving! I snapped.
Then I'll make you go! he yelled, seizing my arm and trying to throw me in the boat.
However, I held on so he couldn't let go. If I go, you go too. I hissed. I thought I was going to lose you once. Now I know I don't have to.
And how do you propose we do this? he snarled.
You're the bleeding Phantom of the Opera! I shot back. If you had a trapdoor on the stage, you can't possibly tell me you didn't put a back exit in your lair!
There is a back exit' as you put it. Inuyasha growled, But I highly doubt that it would work for two.
We are just going to have to take that chance! I growled right back.
Inuyasha pulled me out of the boat, and walked back towards a chair I had only vaguely noticed. He looked at me fondly.
I don't deserve you, Kagome. Inuyasha said quietly. I always hoped you'd stay with me- but I never dreamed you would stay under such odds.You shouldn't have to be kept underground with an idiot like me.
A tear slipped out of my eye, and I smiled. Idiot or not, I don't care whether we have to live underground or in a box under a bridge. I love you, and that is all I care about.
Inuyasha smirked. Sure you aren't talking about the rich boy?
I snorted.
-
-
-
-
You alone can make my song take flight...
It's just begun, the music of the night!
-
-
-
:Sango:
After one of the stronger basses had lifted the porticullis, I dashed into the cave, determined to destroy the beast who had stolen my dear friend, Kagome-chan.
What I was not prepared for was how...civilized it all looked. True, civilized in a gothic sort of way, but civilized all the same. There were hundreds of candalabras, but in the corner was a simple bed, as well as a gondola tied up.
I saw a mirror in the corner, but it was broken, and a mannequin wearing a mask half-hung out of it.
Then I remembered what I was here for. Hunt down this animal- yes, where was the vile youkai?
I saw an elaborate chair in the corner with a cape draped over it.
Aha!
But when I threw off the cape, nothing remained but half a white mask.
And for the first time, I wondered, really wondered, who was the Phantom of the Opera?
-
-
OWARI
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

A/N: BUT WAIT! IT ISN'T QUITE OVER YET!
I still have an epilogue to write, and don't you worry people, you'll get your crazy shameless fluff.
Why? Because this was short.

I've been slamming a lot of people in the PotO humor fics, and I apologize.
Here are the credits: Jokes about the North Pole come from Leroux: Condensed
Beautiful creature of darkness comes from The True Saga of WeakWilled Christine (c) Random-Battlecry

Reviewer Responses:
Yana5: Look! They are! ; )

KIgirls: Thank you!

Ashlee: Maybe in the anime- in the manga they turned red with blue. Kikyo just likes being called pretty- she's not exactly a spring chicken in this, after all- at least 32 years old.

sheenachi: Although I actually left out sci-fi...

Nice story: Wish granted! Now stay around for the epilogue!

Dan D. Kags: Look, Hojo's gone! And stay around for the epilogue!

Guilty Angel 17: Thank you!

angel-tears-16: Well, the story's over and they're together- BUT there's still an epilogue in which you people get your nice fluff and we find out what happened to everyone else.

HazelEyed Freak: Yay, funny. If you like I can have Hojo die a random death in the epilogue.

firevixen73: Thanks!

TsukiOhkami: Thank you, and also thanks for dropping me a line at Gaia. I agree about the sugar-high part being uber-creepy. I'm not sure WHAT his opera is... I picked Faust because I know that there's a white dress in that opera that could work...eheheh...

I'll see you all when I post the epilogue! Ja ne!