Disclaimer: Anything recognisable from Middle Earth is the property of J.R.R. Tolkein. Including Legolas Greenleaf and Gimli son of Glóin, and the caverns under Helm's Deep.

A/N: This is a parody. Meaning it's supposed to make fun of things. I hope you enjoy my poor attempt at humour.

What Really Happened to Mary Sue

Legolas was speechless. He had thought, a bit bemusedly, that Gimli had exaggerated the extensiveness and beauty of these caves. The elf was wrong. Completely wrong.

Staring up at the glittering ceiling above him, he could say he was glad he was wrong.

"I told you," Gimli said smugly. "With Éomer's permission, I will bring dwarves to tend these caves. We shall build our halls and—" He cut off abruptly at a hand signal from Legolas. The elf had heard something.

The dwarf tightened his hand on his axe. The war wasn't that long over and the thought of orcs, or goblins, defiling the caves with their filth brought an anger to him that he hadn't felt since seeing his cousin Balin's tomb in Moria.

Slowly, Legolas knocked an arrow. He looked in one direction, an off-shoot cavern that they hadn't explored yet. Gimli nodded silently.

Creeping forward, the two friends crept around the corner, trying to see what had made the noise that Legolas had heard.

What they saw, however, wasn't what they'd expected.

Standing there, wearing some sort of blue leggings, and a black shirt of some sort odd writing on it —neither of them could read it— was a girl with blonde hair. She was very beautiful, or would have been, had either been a Man, rather than Elf and Dwarf. Legolas held his bow as they finally made themselves known.

The girl —young woman really— looked up at the pair of them with sparkling green eyes. Legolas hadn't lowered his bow. She bowed to both of them. "My Lord Legolas, my lord Gimli." She said in accented Common.

Legolas arched an eyebrow. Who was this woman?

"And who're you, lass?" Gimli finally asked.

She smiled, ruby red lips stretching over even white teeth. "Mary-Sue." She looked between the two. "I shall marry Legolas, and follow him into the West." Her generous mouth, with ruby red lips widened into a smile. "I shall be loved by any and all that see me. I am the most beautiful in the land. I am Elf-kind, Dwarf-kind, Hobbit and Man. I will have Aragorn's—" She was cut off as an arrow sprouted out of her neck. She clawed at it for a moment, before sinking to the ground, dead.

Gimli looked to his Elf companion. Legolas shrugged. "My finger slipped."

The Dwarf nodded. "Of course." He said, turning around, continuing their exploration of the Glittering Caves.

Legolas was truly entranced with the beauty of the caverns. He'd never seen their equal and said so several times. Gimli just laughed delightedly.

There was something neither was entranced with, however. After the first 'Mary-Sue' there had been others. Seventeen more to be precise. Some spoke what they called Elven. Several had claimed to be Elven-princesses. One had claimed to be Legolas's love-child, and another had claimed that she was Aragorn's love-child.

The straw that had stopped it from being amusing had been the one that had claimed to be Gimli's daughter with Arwen. Now the Dwarf just wanted to behead all of them on principle. "Seventeen." He said glumly, puffing on a pipe.

Legolas was next to him, caring for his bow. "Yes." He stared into the fire. "Would that someone could tell me just why so many are throwing themselves at me."

Gimli grunted. "Or claiming to be yer wife, or child." He said around his pipe. There was another puff. "And just what are those words they're saying?"

Legolas shook his head. "That, I cannot answer. But they are strange sounding are they not?"

Gimli nodded. "Aye."

Each of the girls, after the first one, had screamed something that had sounded like, at least to them, "Oh, mi gawd." However, neither knew what it meant, nor had they given the girls enough time to explain it.

Gimli just sighed and studied the main cavern where they were now residing. Tomorrow, they left the Glittering Caves to head to Fangorn Forest. Legolas wanted to explore it. Gimli was more than happy to accompany him.

"We should rest," Legolas said. "I will take second watch." He said, setting his bow to the side.

Gimli nodded and kept his eyes open. No need to be jumped in the night by these "Mary-Sues."

Legolas and Gimli had turned Arod, their faithful horse —a gift from the Rohirrim— loose before entering the ancient forest of Fangorn. Now they walked the ancient paths of the forest. "The trees are still angry." Legolas said quietly.

Gimli nodded. His axe was strapped and covered, so as not to offend the trees. "Aye, the axes of Isengard cut deep."

Legolas suddenly stopped. He looked around, knocking an arrow to his bow. Gimli stopped, waiting for a signal. The Elf jerked his head in one direction. Gimli nodded, carefully beginning to unbuckle his axe.

The trees creaked ominously. Legolas began moving off in a direction. Gimli followed carefully behind. They emerged in a clearing. Legolas sighed as he saw what awaited them. Gimli stood next to him and heaved a sigh himself.

It was another one of them. This one, however, was bathed in a white light. Her ears were reminiscent of an Elf's, her hair the darkest midnight. This one had one major difference. She had wings. She was looking around, bewildered. Then she spotted them.

"It worked!" She squealed. And she launched herself at Legolas with that same squealing noise.

A thrown axe packs a mighty hit. When it struck her in the chest it threw her back against a tree. The tree didn't seem to like the axe. Gimli retrieved it, turning and cleaning it before stowing it safely once more. "Twenty."

Legolas lowered his bow. "Of which, you have only killed three, my friend." His mouth twitched in an almost smile.

Gimli followed the Elf as Legolas lead the way down the path once again. "And why should I dull my axe on them when your arrows work well enough?" Gimli asked.

Legolas just laughed and led his friend among the paths of Fangorn.

Legolas and Gimli stood at the edge of Fangorn, staring at the girl, that had greeted them there. They couldn't believe that they were dealing with another one.

She was dressed in the fancy fabrics and long sleeves of a woman of a Royal court. She curtsied to them. "Sir Elf, Master Dwarf. I seem to be lost. Mayhap you would know the way to Minas Tirith?"

They shared a look. "And who would you be?" Gimli asked gruffly.

She spouted a long and random name that neither really understood. It contained Elven names, names of Rohan, of Gondor, and even, of Mordor. Legolas shook his head. "Can't you just be Mary?" He asked.

She blinked and stepped back. "But, my lord. One such as you would never fall in love with so simply named a maid as 'Mary'."

Legolas became amused once more. "Then let us go into Fangorn, as my friend and I were." He extended his hand and led her into the forest.

Gimli was completely confused until the trees took exception to the black-haired girl and handled her. Quickly.

Legolas sighed and spoke of thanks. "Hannon le, Fangorn." The trees seemed to sway and answer back. The Elf looked at Gimli. "The forest did not like her."

Gimli nodded as they headed back out. "The forest has excellent taste."

When Arod arrived, and Gimli had mounted, the Dwarf spoke to his friend's back. "And now to where? Edoras? Minas Tirith?"

Legolas looked over his shoulder. "I thought perhaps to Edoras, and then to the Glittering Caves, where Lord Gimli can feast me properly."

"Ha!" Gimli said as Arod turned for the capital of Rohan. "We'll feast you well Sir Elf!" The rest of the journey, having left Fangorn and the latest 'Mary Sue' behind continued with expansive descriptions on what such a feast would entail.

"And that, my children, is what really happened to all the 'Mary Sues' that came to Middle Earth." The story teller concluded. "Let this be a lesson: The Elves are wise, and canny, and the Dwarves are fierce. They will not countenance another dictating their lives."

"Yes, Milady Maria." They chorused and raced off.

She smiled a bit. "Or perhaps it is simply that you should not meet them within caves or a forest." Chuckling, she turned away, and picked up her sewing, content to sit in the warm sunshine and dream of times gone by.