The sky was gloomy and the sun couldn't break through the clouds. It wasn't supposed to rain, or even seem like it. It was spring time, the sun should be out and it should be warm. Yet it was gloomy. Even the air felt depressing and flat.
Tara sat silent as did Tim and Claire, with Sean sitting a few feet away, by himself on the bleachers. It was the third day Adrienne was absent in two weeks. Under normal circumstances, Adrienne was never absent, even if she was sick. Everyone was worried, everyone who cared about her.
Seeing the small group from the field, Ellie Nash began to climb the steps slowly. She was friends with Adrienne and knew this was not the girl's normal behavior. It took a few moments but the young punk girl made it to the top with everyone else. They all looked at her with sullen faces. Gently she touched and squeezed Sean's shoulder, he glanced up to acknowledge her and slowly nodded. Then Ellie turned to Tim and Claire, they smiled at her.
Finally, Ellie turned toward Tara. Her grey eyes locked with Tara's ice blues. She made her way to the blonde and sat next to her. Ellie put an arm around Tara's shoulder and held her close as Tara leaned her head on Ellie's shoulder and closed her eyes.
Everyone was worried, everyone felt it.
Days passed and Adrienne kept up a happy face, not wanting her friends to worry. The pain in her stomach and chest was getting worse, but she continued to smile, "You guys, relax. It's probably nothing. I'm going to the doctor in a few days." She smiled warmly, "It's nothing. You'll see."
And for those few days she continued that same speech pattern. "Stop worrying about me. Tim, you're birthday is tomorrow! Stop being so gloomy." Adrienne said as she playfully smacked Tim's arm, then returned to her spot on Sean's arm, using him to support herself. The pain was worsening, but she tried to hide it.
But Tara knew. She could see the pain in Adrienne's eyes, how much it hurt. Even Ellie and Claire saw, but they said nothing.
That day, Tara sat in her room and looked at a picture of herself and Adrienne sitting at the bleachers a few months back. Her eyes filled with tears.
The next day, Adrienne was absent. Tim sat in his math class, a balloon tied to his chair, but he did not feel cheery at all. Tara sat in her honors English class, the class she shared with Adrienne, alone. Sean was in his computer class, not paying attention as he stared at the clock. Ellie feeling sluggish in her tech class, didn't participate in the set designs.
At the end of the day, they all met right outside of Adrienne's locker, knowing she wouldn't be there and hadn't been there. No one spoke. Tara stole a glance at Sean, who looked like he was about to cry. She felt sympathy toward him, also guilt for being jealous. Without a word, they all split and walked their ways, Tara and Tim side by side.
Adrienne hadn't been there the entire week, then finally, Tara's English teacher announced what was going on, "As you all know, Adrienne Wilson has been sick. She won't be returning for the rest of the year."
Knots formed in the pit of Tara's stomach. She gulped hard, tensed up, and felt as if she was getting ready to be hung. Very still she sat in her chair, gripping the desk, shaking, waiting, not ready for the news.
"Why?" a student asked.
The teacher looked down at the floor and sighed. Her eyes were saddened and ready to open the gates for the tears that were waiting to be let out. She brought her head up and breathed in, "She's been... Diagnosed with liver cancer."
All the blood froze in Tara's veins, drained from her face, all of time went still. She could feel her heart beating a mile a second, yet felt so light headed. When time sped up, she was dizzy. She wanted to faint, vomit, cry, scream, everything to wake up from that nightmare. No, it couldn't be... It is.
She saw Tim at his locker, staring blankly at it. He looked so pale and stiff. Her feet began to make their way toward him, slowly and cautiously. Once she got to him, he placed a hand on his shoulder.
Slowly he turned and faced her, tilting his head lower to see her, given that she was somewhat shorter than him. His eyes were lifeless and dark. He held eye contact for a moment then closed his eyes tightly. When he reopened them, he looked toward the ground and bit his lower lip.
Tara could almost feel his heart beating, so slow and weak from sadness. She wanted to hug him, but she could feel his wall building, a wall similar to her own. Then his breathing increased as did his heart rate. Faster and faster, he looked at Tara and said in a hoarsed voice, "Sorry... I want to be alone." then slammed his locker and walked away from Tara.
Standing there with shock, Tara closed her eyes and tilted her head downward. Within moment, she walked out the door of the school. She moved her head to look at the world in front of her, so many kids, children, laughing and enjoying life, as they should, taking everything for granted, but she didn't get angry, she got sad. Things changed for her, for Adrienne, for Tim, for Sean, for Ellie, for Andrea, for everyone involved in Adrienne's life.
Suddenly, getting home on time didn't seem so important, so Tara took her time with each step. Her feet felt heavy, her shoulders were slumped. Then she saw him, saw Sean. He was standing on a corner leaning on a stop sign.
Tara walked toward him, knowing he was in pain. Once she reached him, she softly said his name, "Sean?"
Slowly he lifted his head and looked at her, his eyes red and puffy. He had been crying hard and long. His breathing was sharp and hollow and his body began to slightly shake. His eyes began to twitch as more tears fell from them, his lip quivered as he opened his mouth barely, attempting to speak, yet nothing came out.
Not knowing what to do or what to say, Tara put a gentle hand on his shoulder and pulled him into a hug. He hugged back and began to bawl on her shoulder. She in turn began to cry onto his, however, she held in more than he did. They stood there, on the corner, hugging and crying onto one another's shoulder. Tara put aside and destroyed her feelings of jealousy, and understood his pain. She promised herself she would be there for him and would help him in whatever way she could.
Minutes later, he pulled back and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, "Sorry," he mumbled, "I should go." He paused and looked at Tara, and gave a small and weak smile. His eyes said "thank you" to her and her eyes said "your welcome".
Tara began the walk to her house alone. Seemed like miles and miles, but in reality it was only about two. She was a few blocks from her house when she saw someone, a petite person in black standing on the corner of her street. She walked closer and quickly recognized the girl, it was Ellie. Tara exhaled and continued to walk.
It was then that Ellie turned and looked up, "Tara," was all the girl could say. She to had been crying.
Neither girl knew what to do. Then, without thinking, they embraced each other in a tight hug and cried on each other's shoulder.
June
Music and art were the only window out of the harsh and cruel reality that Tara lived in. Knowing the one person who saved her, who helped her in so many ways, was dying; Tara felt hollow. School ended and Tara was almost like a zombie. A zombie with saddened eyes, sluggish movements, and saw the world almost grey.
Her light is fading away, and there's nothing I can do about it. Why am I so weak? Why can't I help her? All I do is cry and pray to the Goddess for strength. Tim needs her, Sean needs her, everyone needs her... I need her. I love her, I can't imagine the world without her. She's too beautiful and caring and lovely and everything good to not be here. I can't imagine life with her gone. She saved me, showed me life can be worth living, helped me find my sexuality.
What else could she do?
Then the phone rang. She made no attempt to reach for it. Then it stopped, someone downstairs had gotten it. She didn't care, she just stared blankly at the page in her journal. The world around her could wait for her to return as she stayed in her comfort zone within her mind... Then there was a knock at her door.
Slowly the door opened and Amber popped in holding the cordless phone, "It's Tim." she said gently, holding the phone to her daughter.
Tara lifted her hand to reach for it, her hand heavier than a brick, and grabbed the phone, just holding it. Amber placed a gentle hand on her daughter's head and ran her fingers through her hair before leaving the room.
For a few moments, Tara stared at the phone then brought it up to her ear, "Hello?" she whispered.
There was a dead silence, then, a voice muffled, "Tara?"
It was Tim, but he sounded like he hadn't slept in days. 'He probably hasn't,' Tara thought. "You okay? Where are you?" she asked.
"I'm at Claire's. Spent the night here," he paused, "Dammit. I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry." then a click, then a dial tone.
For a moment, Tara was dumbfounded. She began to worry about Tim. But what could she do? He was so stand offish lately and he seemed like he was ready to explode like a big volcano at any second. He still needed time, Tara realized. He needed time just as she did.
Several days passed and Tara had not heard from Tim. She hadn't even seen him at school. Could he be avoiding her? Was he ill? That couldn't be, he sounded fine, if only a little distraught.
There was nothing left to analyze of the phone call. Tara noticed she had been doing that a bit in her head; analyzing things. Everything seemed to have meanings, so why shouldn't she analyze them?
Tara sighed, 'I'm such a loser,' she thought. She went back to her desk, dragging her feet behind her. When she got to her desk, she sat and looked at her water color paper. She had been wanting to paint a faery for a while, but she couldn't get herself to start it. It took her a week to decide on the color scheme; blue. In honor of Adrienne, but would she give it to her? Not until it's perfect Tara decided.
For three days Tara was quiet, more quiet than usual. It was almost as if she was back in 6th grade when she was alone. She roamed the house, jaw clenched slighty, eyes toward the ground.
During the day, she helped Amber with the house work and went to the store with her and helped her run errands.
When the end of the day came, it was time for Tara to go babysit Monica. She decided to leave about a half hour earlier than she was suppose to, not like being a little early would hurt. To her suprise, she saw Sean in his car with his head against the wheel.
Slowly, Tara made her way to his car and leaned down to look in. She knocked gently on the window; he turned his head slightly then straighted up. He nodded his head as a welcome to come in and Tara did so.
Once she was settled in, Tara was silent. She turned, barely, to glance at Sean. She inhaled and turned fully to face Sean. He was staring a bit blankly at the street.
"Sean?" Tara asked with a tiny voice.
Without a word, he turned and looked at her.
"H-how are you doing?"
He stared and blinked. After a few seconds, he swollowed a lump in his throat, "Hurting."
He turned back to look at the street, his body slightly shaking.
When Tara arrived to the house, she knocked on the door, making it the exact time she was meant to be there. Soon Ashley, Monica's mother opened the door with a smile on her face. "Tara! Hey, come on in," she said very cheery.
"Tara!" Monica squeeled and ran up to the blonde jumping on her.
With a small laugh Tara said, "Hey, Monkey."
"Okay, Tara, I might be about 30 minutes late tonight. There are frozen pizzas in the freezer. Um... Have fun girls!" Ashley hugged them both and walked out of the door.
About 3 hours passed since Ashley left, "Tara? What's wrong?" little Monica asked in curiosity that only a child would have. "You seem sad."
Tara turned at the girl and smiled a sad and almost pathetic smile. She took a deep breath, "I'm okay, Mon. D-don't worry about me." She tried to give a reasurring smile.
Monica gave a suspicious look, she may have been young, but she wasn't blind. Anyone could see Tara's distress, her saddness from just the look of her eyes. But, Monica decided to drop the subject and go back to watching TV with her baby sitter.
July
It's been 3 months since Adrienne started her chemotherapy, and lately, she'd been feeling a bit spunky. Her sister, Andrea, allowed her to have her friends over. Of course Adrienne had chosen Sean, Tara, Tim, and Ellie. All were happy to be around each other, for the first time since May, they were together, many smiles on their faces, all hiding the fear and the sadness that lay within each and every one of them. For each of them, it was the first time they actually SAW Adrienne since her chemo started.
"So guys, what do you think of the bald look? I don't know if it suits me. I'm thinking of a wig. Maybe a bright baby blue?" Adrienne said with a huge smile on her face.
Sean, who sat next to her, was incredibly careful not to make her uncomfortable, or to touch her more than nesessary for fear he may make her sick. "I think you still look hot bald. You almost look like a rock star chick." Everyone laughed.
"A wig like that would suit you. But right now, I see more of a, bright red one." Ellie said with a smile.
"How about an umbrella hat?" Tim said jokingly. Everyone chuckled.
"Ha ha, Timbo. So what's this I hear about you spending the night with Claire, huh?" Adrienne began teasing him, "Just how close are you two?"
A big blush made its mark on Tim's face and he made a fake laugh, "We don't need to discuss that."
"Oh, c'mon, man," Sean playfully punched Tim's arm, "You can either tell us or we can let our minds wander into dirty thoughts."
"Dirty and naughty." Ellie added.
Tim made a face, "Alright. What do you think we did? Her family wasn't home, there was some booze, a bed..."
"Tim scored!" Adrienne exclaimed causing everyone to laugh.
Tara, however, said nothing but mearly smiled. She was so scared and feared everything. All she wanted to do was find some way to cure Adrienne of this disease, but she knew the dangers of magicks and medicine being mixed. That could do more harm than good, and Tara wanted to beat herself over and over because she couldn't help. She just continued to smile and look on at Adrienne Wilson, the first person who noticed her.
By the time it was the late afternoon, about 5PM, Adrienne had grown exhausted. It was time to leave. Everyone got up and were hesitant to actually consider a hug to Adrienne. "You guys, I'm not in a plastic bubble. I want some love!" she smiled.
Slowly, everyone stepped forward to give a hug. Ellie was the first to go up to Adrienne, both goth girls opened their arms and embraced. "Make sure you go to that Perfect Circle concert." Adrienne said.
"I will." Ellie replied, it was obvious she was fighting tears by the sound of her voice. Then when she stepped away from Adrienne, her eyes glazed and looked like they were about to flood.
Then Tim stepped up and he inhaled deeply, "It was great seeing you." They hugged and held still for a few seconds then broke apart and smiled at each other. "I swear I might as well say you're my sister." he smiled.
"Why not? I've been saying you're my brother." she smiled back as she turned to Tara.
Tara made her way in front of Adrienne and stared with her big, sad, blue eyes and made a weak smile. They embraced and held it for several seconds. For Tara, time stopped and in the room at that moment, it was just her and Adrienne, just the two of them holding each other.
"Please believe me when I say you will be great in life, Tara. You are beautiful and great." Adrienne whispered into Tara's ear, not breaking their embrace.
It was several seconds before they parted, Tara was speechless, but her eyes said enough. She fought the tears from falling, she had to wait til she was outside, at least, for Adrienne's sake, as well as her own.
Finally Sean stepped up. When he and Adrienne embraced, it was almost sad. Everyone in the room could feel how much these two cared for each other and how scared both really were. "I love you." they both said at the same time, then smiled.
"I'll call you tonight, ya?" Sean asked.
"You better." Adrienne replied.
When they were done saying their goodbyes, Sean offered everyone a ride home, but only Tim accepted. Tara wanted to walk because she liked looking at the outside, and Ellie wanted to keep her company. Sean smiled and patted the girls on the shoulder, then he and Tim got into his car and drove off.
The girls began the walk in silence. Neither knew what to say, but the silence between them was enough for a long conversation. They walked a couple blocks before Ellie said anything, "Hey, how're you holding up? Honestly."
Startled, Tara turned to the punk girl, "Wh-what?"
They both stopped and Ellie turned to face the blonde. She gave Tara a look then continued, "It's obvious how you feel about her. I just want to know how you're doing. You put up a wall to protect yourself, but you'll only end up hurting more. Trust me," she rolled up a sleeve on her left arm and revealed something frightening. Her entire forearm was covered in scars, "I used to cut. My mom is an alcoholic and my dad is in the army, in Kuwait. I didn't let anyone in. This was how I dealt." She rolled the sleeve back down.
Tara stood there in bewilderment. That had happened so randomly. 'Where did all this come from?' Tara thought.
"You've got to be careful, Tara." Ellie continued, "Sometimes you need to vent, otherwise," she paused, "You could get lost." She gave one last look at Tara and continued walking.
The rest of the walk in silence. Neither girl knew what to say, however, this was a comforting silence between both girls.
August
"So you guys broke up, huh?" Sean asked from under the car that he and Tim were working on.
"Yeah. We both wanted to. I mean, she's a kick ass chick to hang out with, and hot as hell, but she wasn't really good for talking." he paused," Well, only about cars." he chuckled.
Sean shared the chuckle with Tim as he came out from under the car and stood up. He put a hand inside his pocket and pulled out a black box.
"Whoa buddy! Sorry, but I don't swing that way! You might wanna try Rickie though." Tim exclaimed, jokingly.
"Hey man!" Sean shouted, slightly punching Tim in the arm, "It's not for you, you're not pretty enough... It's for Adrienne."
That was almost enough to knock Tim out of his chair, "What!"
Sean smiled, almost blushing, and looked at the box, "What can I say?" he looked up, "I love her man."
"That's beautiful... But how can you say I'm not that pretty?" Both boys chuckled, then Tim asked, "When are you going to ask her?"
"Next month," Sean's voice softened, "On our one year anniversary."
Tim smiled and patted Sean on the shoulder, "You're the only guy I trust. Treat her well."
The guys hugged and patted each other on the back and returned to fixing the car.
Meanwhile, Tara spent her day helping her mother around the house. Amber noticed that the past few months, Tara had gone grey.
While Tara stood at the sink, ready to wash dishes, Amber stared at her daughter. Slowly Amber walked behind Tara, slowly and gently she placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. It was an odd connection between mother and daughter; slowly Amber released her energy to Tara in order to calm her.
Tara turned to face her mother, standing only an inch shorter, stared into her mother's eyes. The only place she could find comfort. Tara flung herself in her mother's arms and cried on her shoulder.
For all they knew, Tara and Amber could've stood there for hours or they could've stood there for a minute, either way, their hug broke when the phone rang. Tara turned back to the sink and began to wash the dishes, slowly. Amber reached for the phone on the wall, "Hello?... Yes she is, who may I ask is calling?... Hold on," Amber covered the phone with her hand, "It's Ellie Nash?"
Moving away from the sink, Tara dried her hands with a towel and grabbed the phone, "Hello?"
"Hey, what are you doing?" Ellie asked through the phone.
"Washing dishes."
"When you're done with that, want to go for a walk? It's still kind of light out."
"Let me ask." Tara placed a hand over the mouth piece, "Mom? After I finish the, um, dishes... Can I go for a walk with Ellie?"
Amber cocked an eyebrow, "Who's Ellie?"
"A friend." a small blushed crept on Tara's cheeks, she didn't even realize she blushed, but Amber noticed.
"Sure." Amber said with a nodd.
Tara returned to the phone, "Sure."
"Great. I'll head over there. You should be done by the time I get there."
The girls said their goodbyes and hung up. Tara returned to the sink, washing the rest of the dishes.
It wasn't long before Tara finished and Ellie arrived, "Mom, th-this is Ellie."
"Hi." Ellie said with a polite smile.
"Nice to meet you, Ellie." Amber said, "Enjoy the walk." With that, she walked back into the kitchen.
"So, um, ready?" Tara asked.
"Yeah." Ellie replied.
Both girls walked about a block without a word coming from either. It was an awkward yet, comforting silence. It was heavy, yet light. Neither girl knew what to say, but each was glad to have the other. There was a feeling of comfort between them.
"Ever tried weed?" Ellie suddenly asked.
"What?" Tara was startled.
"Weed... Pot... Ganja... You know?"
"Um..." Tara thought. There were so many herbs that she and her mother used, and Tara knew that "marijuana" was one. But if she technically "smoked" it, she couldn't say. Although, now that she thought about it, the feeling she got after inhaling the smoke from burning the herbs, she got the completely relaxed feeling. She continued, "Sort of."
Ellie chuckled, "Sort of, huh?... Want to try? My stuff is clean. It's not laced with anything."
"Here?" Tara looked around
"No. People can see. I know a place. You don't mind being late?"
"No."
The girls made their way near a wooden trail. There was a path and Ellie lead Tara to the side. The girls walked a ways before finally coming to two trees with a bench in between them.
Slowly, Ellie stepped up to the bench and sat, her combat boots breaking several twigs, then she pulled out a joint. "It's clean, like the stuff from the 60's. You want the first hit?"
Tara shook her head as she sat next to Ellie.
Taking out a lighter, Ellie brought the joint to her lips and lit it. She inhaled the smoke and held it in for several seconds. Her chest, covered by black lace and other materials, then exhaled. Very little smoke was visible. She handed the joint to Tara.
With a shaky hand, Tara grabbed it. Many times she and Amber burned herbs and inhaled the smoke as a method of relaxation and meditation. Was she high? She thought so. Her hand made its way to her mouth hile holding the joint. She brought it to her lips, mouth opened a crack, sticking the tip of the joint in her mouth, wraping her lips around it. Softly, Tara inhaled, feeling the cool, yet hot smoke enter her throat. Her lungs began to burn with the cold smoke as she held it in. The cold burn began to grow and she finally blew out the smoke, the cough frenzy beginning.
Suddenly Tara felt a hand patting her back. "Whoa there! You going to live?" Ellie said, taking back the joint.
"Yeah." Tara replied between coughs, finally gaining some control.
"One hit should do us both good." Ellie had a small grin on her face.
"Yeah," Tara's cheeks grew red, "Yeah."
Both girls stared off into the woods, knowing what each was thinking: Adrienne. Yet, both felt completely comfortable with each other.
Author's Note: Sorry SO SORRY for the massive amounts of lateness on this sub chapter! So sorry! Life and work and school and exhaustedness is interfering! But do not worry for I shall NEVER forget this story.