Thanks so much for your reviews! Thank you very much to beach chickJASSNL for coming up with the idea of taking him to the barbecue it's great! It has given so many options for me! I'm also using your other idea of people hitting on John, well actually it's just one, but…oh I don't want to spoil it…just read it!

I'm very knew to this fan fiction thing could someone tell me in a review what a Beta is, cause someone offered to be my Beta. I don't have a clue! I'm hoping this chapter is good; it gives loads of her family and is quite comical. Here you go. Lots of love PickledOnion.

Chapter 3: Preparation

Elizabeth was soon regretting excepting her friends' advice and getting John to go with her to the barbecue. She was driving the car with John as well and was going over everything he needed to know…very quickly. She had a feeling that this plan was going to come back to bite her on the ass, as her mother always said, "It's a little thing called Karma, dear."

"Okay, so my dad's called Robert, but he'll tell you to call him Bob…he's great. You'll like him…he's very…pro-military, you'll get on like a house on fire. Then there is his wife, Babs, who is a little crazy…okay she has totally lost her marbles…she'll ask you the most personal questions and will offer advice to do with our sex life."

John raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Sex life?" He teased. "I didn't realise that our pretence would be that real."

"Very funny. My brother will like you, his name is Will, but I warn you he'll give you the whole older-brother-protective-of-little-sister routine. However, that's crap because he couldn't give a damn, but if you play with his little boys you'll have him wrapped around your finger…"

"Elizabeth! I get it! You want things to go smoothly and you don't want to get caught! Trust me! I know how to make a girl look like my girlfriend, it'll end up with your parents loving me!"

They got out of the car and Elizabeth slammed the door.

"No! One of my parents will love you. My mother on the other hand-"

"Oh come on!" John said taking her hands and began walking own the path to the house with her. "She can't be that bad!" Elizabeth stopped in her tracks.

"No John! She can! She is the spawn of the devil! She is Satin's very own daughter! She will do everything in her power to make sure that by the end of the day, we've broken up and I hate you. Whether it means spreading rumours to the men of the family to get them to punch you or getting the kids to bite you or even just sending Stephanie after you."

"I'm sorry! WHAT is this about punching and biting and who the hell is Stephanie?"

John was now getting scared and Elizabeth was scared that he was going to back out.

"Look! I love my mother! I really do! Without her, I would probably be miserable, unemployed and without my wonderful, bitchy friends. However, that doesn't change the fact that she is pure evil. Oh and Stephanie is like the daughter she never had. You know blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, yet clever and single…plus she's evil too. Mother's ultimate weapon is the one woman who has seduced just about every boyfriend I've had. Look…I'll understand if you don't want to go through with this now-"

"No!" John took her hands in his own. "I want to be here." Elizabeth smiled shyly and they gazed into each other's eyes like in those smushy movies until the moment was ruined with a women standing in the doorway.

"Lizzie! How sweet!" A short and chubby woman with big, frizzy hair wearing gypsy-like clothes ran down the path and engulfed Elizabeth in a big hug.

"You're home." She smiled and looked at John. "Well, you're certainly not Simon."

"No. This is John, he's my…boyfriend. Simon and I…well, we decided that…well, I guess we…"

"Oh. He met someone didn't he? Well, never mind, I didn't like him anyway."

Elizabeth stared somewhat shocked and then threw her hands in the hair.

"Did anyone actually like him? Never mind. John, this is Babs my step-mother."

"It's a pleasure to meet you mam." He shook her hand politely. Babs grinned graciously.

"Well aren't you the gentleman! You go right inside John we'll be there in a sec."

John smiled and walked indoors.

Elizabeth waited until he was inside before speaking.

"Well…what do you think?" Elizabeth was praying she liked him and that Babs believed her. She knew Simon had met someone else, so she may have caught on to the fact that John and her weren't really an item.

"Oh Elizabeth. He's wonderful. Great manners, great body, probably great personality, love the hair and he's obviously smitten with you." Elizabeth looked at her stunned.

"He is?"

"Honey, come on! The way he was looking at you when I opened the door, how he smiled when you said he was your boyfriend and how he looked a little jealous and maybe even hurt when you mentioned Simon, well…that's love. Anyway, come to the backyard. Everyone has missed you so much! You were gone so long!"

Then, before Elizabeth had the chance to contemplate what her adoring, little, step-mum had said to her, Babs had dragged her through the house to the backyard.

"Hey guys! She's back!" Babs called and everyone turned around to look at her and called out her name, until a very familiar face encased her in a bear hug.

"Dad." She smiled as he let go.

"My little bumble bee."

"Dad! You have to stop calling me that."

"Never. So…" he said as he lead her into the garden. "Who's the guy?" He pointed to a certain colonel making his way towards them.

"Oh! John this is my dad, Bob, and dad this is John Sheppard, my boyfriend."

Bob gave John a manly handshake and looked at him in thought.

"So, Sheppard! What are your intentions with my daughter?"

"Daddy!" Elizabeth slapped her father on the arm.

"I'm sorry. I'm just playing with you."

John smiled with relief.

"Here." Bob handed they both beers, which John practically threw down his throat. He was so nervous, which Elizabeth thought was extremely sweet.

"So…" Elizabeth said while looking around. "Where's Will? I can't wait to see him."

"Oh sweetheart, didn't your mother tell you? He couldn't make it! Something to do with setting up home in South Africa." He gave a big grin.

"Oh my God! He got the job!"

"Yep! He finally got his dream job! He's working with the animals in Africa! Got a ring to it, don't you think?" Elizabeth smiled with delight and turned to look at John. John didn't realise how good it made him feel to see her smile, as with the Wraith, being cut off from Earth, the Wraith, Caldwell and the Wraith she hadn't had a chance to smile much.

"That's the good news." Bob said cringing. "But it gets worse. See, your mother decided with less mouths to feed she was going to bring another guest. She brought Steven."

"What?" Elizabeth shouted, making many heads turn. "Why would she? I mean, why? There's no need! When? Where? How? Where the hell is she so I can kill her?"

Bob flipped some burgers on the Barbie and turned to look at her again.

"Well, dear, your mother got a call from Simon and well he didn't realise your mother didn't know you had broken up, which I'll have you know we didn't know either! Anyway, your mother decided this was the perfect chance to impose Steven on you."

Elizabeth threw her beer on the floor and stomped inside. John just watched in horror and swallowed hard.

"Who's Steven?" He asked quietly.

"Son, Steven is a sexist, successful, manipulative, rich and extraordinary handsome guy who does not blend well with my Lizzie. He is the one type of man that disgusts her. However, he kind of has a thing for her and sees Liz as a bit of a challenge and trophy if you will. Of course, that repulses her and it pisses her off that men like him actually exist. Unfortunately, her mother likes him and will try to set them up. I'm afraid that once her mother gets here, you'll be a target. She'll try and keep you and Liz away from each other all evening and set Stephanie on you and Steven on her."

John was beginning to have a real distaste for Elizabeth's mother and was extremely confused to how such a wonderful woman like Elizabeth could come out of the vagina of such a bitch.

"Well, her mother can try, but-"

"but nothing! If Elizabeth's mother wants you two lovebirds to have split up by this evening your relationship with my daughter will be over. Her mother is an absolute cow, but a cow that always gets her own way. They're already in the house; they've just arrived. I suggest you and Liz get out of here while you still can."

John stood up straight, held his chin up high and put his beer can on the garden table.

"No. The witch and her two little flying monkeys can piss off, cause I am not giving up Elizabeth for the world. It's time her mother was properly squashed like the bitchy bug she is."

TO BE CONTINUED

REVIEW PEOPLE! GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS! How should this all end, you tell me! I'll probably do about two more chapters, I don't know!

The next chapter will be…

Chapter 4: The Devil and her pathetic minions