- Chapter 14 -

Afiona pulled her cloak close against the nipping fall breeze.  Nico, now large for his age at four months, cavorted happily ahead of her.

"He's beautiful."  Lance commented needlessly.

"And he knows it."  She answered as the colt stopped to scent the air as his father often did.  "Bardaric, his father, seems depressed about something."

"He is twenty and has not yet Chosen.  Most Companions choose when they are ten or in their early teens."  Lance pointed out.

"I know.  But it seems more than that."  Afiona's brow creased in concentration.  "He seems like an old soul to me.  Weary and in need of a rest."

"While Nico is with the others this afternoon, would you care to join me for supper?"  Lance asked nonchalantly changing the subject from the frolicking colt that always seemed to absorb her full attention.

"No.  Thank you though.  I have work that needs to be done."  She responded without looking at him.  "Carsir has a vertical crack in his left foreleg from taking a jump wrong and Hanile is nearly due."

"The same excuse as yesterday."  Lance sighed.

"And it will be the same tomorrow."  Afiona warned, as she always did, it had become something of a routine with them.

"If you aren't interested in an amorous supper, why don't you join me at the Bell and Harp in the city?  You haven't left the palace in years.  It will be perfect for getting Nico used to spending the night with his father.  Besides, I am leaving in a few days and then who will you have to chat with?"

Afiona scowled slightly at the reminder of his impending departure.  He was being sent to the southern border to teach the guard there to fight as a unit in case the attack came earlier than anticipated.  "Daric already sleeps outside our door so I don't have to get up when Nico needs out.  He is still afraid of the dark.  I don't want to impose on him further."

"Nico is his son so it is hardly imposing."  Lance countered

:Go with him.  You won't be imposing.  Your Lance is right, if you want any freedom you have to show him that sometimes you go away and leave him with others but that you always return.:  Bardaric offered suddenly.

Afiona stared at the Companion for several seconds.  He rarely spoke to her but every time he did she sensed regret.  "Very well, I will join you, but not too late."

"Wonderful.  And don't wear a uniform."

"I don't have much else."  Afiona warned.

"I am sure you will find something."  Lance assured her with a triumphant smile.

Afiona glanced at him, slightly irritated.  "How close will you get to Karse?"

"I am not sure."  Lance said evasively and quickly changed the subject.  "Do you ever wonder who he'll Choose?"

Afiona allowed the change, pushing for an answer would only give him the wrong idea.  "Of course I do.  But that is at least ten years away.  In just a few months he will be joining the rest of the Companions in the field."

"I doubt it.  Companion foals are dependant on there mothers for the first few years, not just for food but for guidance.  Like human babies are."

"Lance, I never had parents, I am going to make some mistake, I know it."  She blurted it out and quickly turned away so he wouldn't see her desperation and doubt.

"Nonsense."  Lance said confidently.  He was certain he was the only one who saw her doubts, but normally she wasn't so hard on herself.  "You have been doing wonderfully so far.  Nico is bright, eager, happy, and loved, Carmia says she can think of no one better than you to raise her grandson."

"You aren't just saying that, are you?"  She asked, desperate for some proof she was doing the right thing.

"You are the Empath, you would know if I was just saying that to please you."  Lance retorted.

:Mama-Afi.:  Nico returned and nuzzled her chest, assuring himself she was still there before trotting off again.

"I have to get back to the salle.  I'll pick you up later."  Lance favoured her with an almost rakish grin.

Afiona watched as he strode off.  It was hard to watch another friend ride out the gates.

She was looking forward to spending winter with Tashir.  Hopefully the doubts that had plagued her since she earned her Greens wouldn't follow.

"Afiona!"  A long missed, male haled her.

"Medren, you finally found your way back I see."  She forced a smile onto her face and waved back to him.

Nico eyed the unremembered stranger warily.  :Who?:

:That is Medren.  He's a story teller.:

:Stories?:  Nico's ears pricked up.

"You still look exhausted."  Medren caught her up in a fierce hug, pulling her feet completely off the ground.  "How's your son?"

"Begging for a story."  Afiona answered as she returned his embrace.  "How is Bard Stefen?"

"Much better, I don't know what you did but he is more like his old self now than anytime I have seen him since Vanyel died."

"I did nothing."  Afiona assured him.  "Now put me down."

Medren set her on the ground and he was promptly bowled over by Nico.

"Nicodimus!"  Afiona said sharply, catching the colt's attention.

Nico backed off, his ears flipped back against his head.  :Sorry.:

"For what?"  Afiona pressed.  Nico was often uncertain exactly what he did wrong when he sent people tumbling.

:For knocking over story-man.:  Nico answered.

:You are larger than they are, Nico, you have to be careful or you will hurt them.:  Daric added forcefully.

Nico looked at Medren with concern.  :Hurt?:

"Are you hurt?"  Afiona relayed.

"I just had the wind knocked out of me."  Medren assured them as he regained his feet.  "What was that for?"

"He forgets his size, he was just greeting you."  Afiona explained.  "Why don't we go inside where we can catch up in warmth?"

Medren started towards the House of Healing before she could tell him of her change of residence.

"I now live in the Heraldic wing so everything is more convenient for Nico."  Afiona explained as she started off in a different direction.  "So, was the north as bad this time as last?"

"No, apparently I was caught in a really nasty winter last time."  Medren explained with a chuckle.  "Apparently their weather is cold but not normally that bad."

"You plan on going back?"  Afiona looped her arm through his.

"The money was good, but I am looking forward to going back to Forst Reach."

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you are such a homebody."  She teased. 

"So how are you and Lance getting along?  I noticed you were together."

"We are friends.  He wants more."

"And you want…"

"I don't know."  Afiona said with obvious exasperation.  "Almost everyday he tries to convince me to join him for a private supper and everyday I say no."

"Why not?"

"I barely know him!"

"Afi, you are an empath, you know him better than his mother does."

"He thinks he is in love with me."  Afiona snapped.

"Thinks?"  Medren repeated.

:Mama-Afi?  What wrong?:  Nico looked up at her, confused.

"Nothing's wrong, honey."  She quickly reassured Nico, her voice soothing.

Daric touched his son's neck with his muzzle and the colt reluctantly followed him back out into the Field.  :I be back Mama-Afi!:

:I know.:  She assured him.  "Sorry, he understands most human speech now."

"No problem.  Now, what do you mean Lance thinks he is in love with you?"

"Just that."

"I just said it, you are an empath, you don't Feel people's thoughts, you Feel their feelings.  If you are sensing he is in love with you, he is."

Afiona sighed.  "I don't want him to be."

"Care to explain why?"  He held open her door and allowed her to precede him inside.

"No.  I don't care to explain.  I am not even sure myself."  Afiona threw herself into her chair.  "I barely know which way is up now."

Medren took the chair closest to her and watched her with obvious concern.  There was a distinctly fragile quality about her, it reminded him of when she was a silent creature flitting from shadow to shadow. 

"I just don't know anything anymore.  I am barely a healer, I am not a mother, I don't even feel real."

Medren rubbed her arm at a loss for words.

"I have been considering giving up my Greens."  She said softly.  "I can't work with humans, they get too close.  If I can't heal I am not worthy of being called a healer."

The last few words were broken by a sob as she finally lost her composure.  Medren wordlessly gathered her close and tried to soothe her.

~ * ~

Lance was feeling triumphant as he made his way to Afiona's room.  She had finally agreed to spend time alone with him with no one else around.  Unless one counted a tavern full of people.

He knocked on her door and waited impatiently for her to answer.

When a dishevelled Medren opened the door, Lance could only stare.

"Oh, uh, she's in bed."  Medren gestured to the room behind him.

"No matter.  I'll see her later."  Lance managed a smile and quickly retreated.

Medren closed the door immediately and returned to Afiona's side.  The mindhealer had warned him that Afiona had been unable to deal with many of the issues from her childhood and that they would probably return to haunt her when she least expected it.

The strain of raising Nico piled on top of her other doubts and insecurities must have been too much.  He had been forced to use his Gift in a manner he had never tried before and sent her to sleep. 

Medren knew she should deal with this now, but how could she?  As an Empath she knew how the other Healers felt about her apparent choice not to heal humans.  As a product of a horrid childhood she felt she was hopeless as a parent.  Medren knew she had long considered herself unable to love, often citing that one must know love to give love. 

But what the hell was he supposed to do about it?

As far as Medren could tell Afiona was still expecting the next blow to fall, decades after she was freed from her family.

She didn't trust that Lance wouldn't turn on her.  She didn't trust her patients not to abuse the closeness a healing bond required.  She didn't trust herself to love Nico as she should.  She trusted nothing and no one, most certainly not herself, and on some levels didn't even trust Medren.

For years she has appeared to be completely in control, the frightened girl hidden behind a façade constructed to protect herself.

He hadn't suspected the doubts that bothered her.

He ran his had through his hair mussing it further and started to pace the room.  It was as sparsely decorated as her room at the Healers had been.  Her bed was still a collection of mattresses in one corner.  Demon, a permanent fixture of whatever room she occupied, was curled next to her side.  The floor was bare of all coverings since Nico's hooves would just damage them.  One chair was pressed against the wall, next to a nearly bare bookcase and a small table holding an oil lamp.

"Stop pacing."  Afiona ordered as she sat up.  Her eyes were still shadowed but she didn't look quite as fragile.  "What did you do?"

"I used my bardic gift to make you sleep, kind of like humming a lullaby and putting some force behind it."  Medren admitted.  "How are you feeling?"

"Well enough."  She disentangled herself from Demon and brushed the wrinkles out of her robes. 

"Liar."  Medren accused.  "How long have you been considering giving up your greens?"

"Seriously?  Since I earned them."  Afiona admitted.  "I know they think I am unworthy of them.  I can sense it every time I am around one of the other healers."

"All the Healers?"  Medren asked, doubtful.

"Yes.  To some extent or another.  Even the others who prefer to work on animals think I am wasting my abilities."

"Have you explained to them?"  Medren asked.

"Medren, if they knew everything they would not let me keep my greens.  And that isn't speculation.  They would say that I lack the stability a healer needs.  The mind healer wanted to recommend against me being accepted but can't without breaking confidentiality."

"Why didn't you tell me?"  Medren demanded.

"Because I need to do this myself!  I can't keep running to you every time I am scared or uncertain."

"That doesn't mean you have to do everything alone."  Medren protested.

"I am not doing everything alone, Daric helps with Nico as much as he can."

"And Lance?  What has he been doing?"

Afiona blushed and turned away.  "Every time I turn around he is there.  He brings me supper when he finds out I haven't eaten.  He now comes help with the wounded Companions.  Every day he tries to get me to have a romantic dinner with him."

Medren eyed her fierce blush.  "Why don't you accept?"

Afiona grew redder.  "I almost did today.  I agreed to go to the Bell and Harp with him."

"That's why he looked like murder."  Medren said with sudden clarity.

Afiona spun to face him.  "He was already here?"

"About half a candlemark ago."  Medren admitted.

Afiona ran her hand through her hair and stared at the door.

Medren bit back a laugh.  Afiona may know everyone else's feelings but she certainly didn't know her own.  It was obvious she was preening just at the thought of seeing him. 

"What are you grinning at?"  Afiona asked.

"Nothing, you should go catch up with him."  Medren suggested.  "I am going to find some supper.  See you tomorrow."

Afiona stared after him as he left, closing the door firmly behind him.

Sometimes he was incredibly hard to read.  He was very pleased about something that much was obvious, but why?

She stared after him for a moment before she shook off her reverie.  She had no intention of standing Lance up.

She managed to locate one of the dresses Lady Treesa had made for her just a month before.  Lady Treesa saw her lack of a wardrobe as a challenge had had bribed a maid to slip three new gowns into Afiona's wardrobe.  Afiona chose a cream coloured, gown with blue ribbons, brushed her hair, and ran out the door. 

She hoped he returned to his room otherwise she would be searching all night for him.

:He is in the Salle.:  Daric's sudden comment made her jump.

:Thank you.:  She said after her heart slowed and changed direction.

The salle was empty except for Lance.  He was seated with his back against the wall, a sword resting across his lap as he stared at it as if he was uncertain what it was.

Afiona could sense his feeling of being betrayed from the doorway.  He wasn't aware of her presence yet.  She watched him for a moment, guilt over missing him earlier welled up with in her.  No doubt Medren had given him the wrong impression.

"Did you still want to go?"  She asked, making him jump.

"I thought…"

"That I was busy with Medren, hardly."  She promised to wreak vengeance on Medren at the first opportunity.  "He just got back in today."

"He said you were in bed."

"Not with him I wasn't."  She assured him and took a seat next to him.  "No need to get jealous."

Lance searched her face for a minute before offering her his arm.  "You look beautiful."

Afiona blushed and accepted his arm.  "Thank you.  So do you, only handsome.  It isn't too late, is it?"

"Carmia says she'll get us there long before closing."  Lance promised.