I'm going to be posting up the four plot-making chapters up in the next two days, before I go on holiday. But first…
Wow! Thank you to people for reviewing. If I ever sleep with the right people to win an Oscar (only method available to me), I will definitely mention:
Daemon Cat: And if you have any more of those questions, please ask and they can also be answered. I hope the cracking up wasn't too painful.
Natalie Darke: Thanks, the once upon a time thing started this whole fanfiction.
EvenSong: I think highly entertaining is a VERY intelligent and constructive thing to say. Hope you'll say it again, but…
…maybe not, though…I found the next two chapters hardest to write, and the four (count 'em) chapters I'll be posting over the next couple of days (that's including these two) are mainly just getting a proper plot going, so they may be less funny than the ones after that when I'll start to really parody princesses. But hopefully the plot will be good. Woo!
P.S.: I've started reading some of your fanfictions and I love them. Not that I'm like, addicted to fanfiction. Meh,
Disclaimer: I don't own fairytales…do I even own this scarytale? Am I even alive? Cue X-files music.
Nearly nine months had passed when the king had to leave on a business trip – the peasants were revolting, and he was trying to organise a general bath (groan – favourite pun of the history teachers). The queen, who was heavily pregnant after her divine inspiration (yes, it was divine…snigger) and looked like she might seriously just pop out a kid literally any minute now, like a slot-machine, kissed him good bye. "Now remember, in case our child is born before you come back, I'm going to call it 'Absolutely Nothing In Return' because that works for a girl or a boy, okay?"
"Sure, sweetie" murmured the king, not really listening.
Having dealt with the business, the king began the journey home. On the way, he realised he'd left his travel copy of 'Harry Potter' at the hotel. How irritating to have to wait until he got home to discover what Harry had scored on his O.W.L.s. But he need not have worried. At that very moment a woman walked by, with a broomstick etc and, most importantly, a copy of 'Harry Potter' (predictably random coincidences being the life and breath of fairy tales).
The king stuck his head out of the carriage. Clearly, the woman was a peasant, the warts attested to that (and if not a peasant at least an ugly sister, which, for personal reasons, the king found an even more unappealing prospect).
"I say, good woman," he began, trying hard not to make her feel demeaned and thus expose himself to numerous lawsuits, "you may not know" – things seemed to be going well, and he gained confidence – "as you surely can't read, but what you have there is a book. If you will give it to me, I will reward to handsomely." Noticing the desperate gleam in the king's eyes, the witch (please don't tell me you didn't pick up on that) smiled. "Oh course, fine sir," she simpered "but don't worry about the reward. In fact, I want you to swear that if I give you the book, you will give me Absolutely Nothing In Return."
Aren't capitals handy?
The king, astounded at his good fortune, promptly swore that he would give her exactly what she asked for and snatched the book. 'He managed an 'Exceeds Expectations!'' he whooped, scanning its pages before ordering his driver to make like a banana and split. Left eating his dust, the witch coughed, then grinned. She had always longed for a girl to call her own. It looked as though all her dreams were about to come true…
The whole court had turned out for the king's return. The queen stood beaming, her baby daughter Absolutely Nothing In Return clutched in her arms. As the king's carriage pulled to a halt, he leapt out to embrace his beloved wife, stopping short at the sight of the child and smiling widely (he would have beamed, but this would have been too repetitive). "Our daughter," the queen informed him, "Absolutely Nothing In Return."
The king paled as fear tightened his stomach. What had he done? Had he really sworn away his firstborn daughter? Suddenly, with a puff of purple smoke, the witch appeared and the king saw that had his question was about to be answered
"Give me the child!" she commanded (Yup, thought the king miserably, that was exactly what he'd done) managing to combine cackling with speaking to form a horrible hybrid that would these days be sure to get her a padded cell and a jumper with very long sleeves.
"Oh!" smiled the queen. "How nice, darling of my life. She wants to bless our daughter. Actually, that reminds me, we must get the fairy blessings sorted out for the christening. Apparently you can register at parlours, like we did for our marriage, and make a list of the gifts you'd like her to receive. So you could put down beauty, or grace. It's to make sure she doesn't get stuck with something silly like common sense, do you see, dove? I've invited all the fairies in the kingdom, except of course for the wicked, nasty, evil fairy. But I'm sure she won't mind. Anyway, she's hardly likely to do something wicked, nasty or evil to ruin the big day, is she?" At this point, the queen was forced to stop, because all the time she'd been speaking the witch had continued to cackle (she knew what was expected of her) and had now turned a rather distressing shade of blue. Hurriedly, the queen handed over Absolutely Nothing In Return. The witch had got exactly what she had been promised. With a puff of smoke – green, this time, for variation - she vanished, leaving behind her a stunned silence and a king who had a lot of explaining to do.