-Chapter 19-

The sky was heavy with what portended to be the first great fall of snow for winter but Afiona, wrapped in a heavy cloak and a fur muff to keep her hands warm, ignored the warning in favor of just savoring the silence.  Nico was happily chasing another foal around under the watchful eyes of the mares giving her a few minutes to herself before he'd come running back to check on his mama.

She leaned against the ancient tree and watched absently as Nico cavorted about, her mind focusing on the greater task at hand; getting her life under control and herself straightened out.

:If you keep thinking so hard you are going to give me a headache.:  Daric said lightly as he looked up from his grazing.

:I'll give you something for it when it starts to bother you.:  Afiona responded absently.

Daric abandoned the last, weakly growing stalks of grass and trotted to her side.  :What's your plan?:

:I don't have one.  That is my problem.:  Afiona sighed.

Daric sighed.  :First, let's start with what has the deepest roots.  Your fear.:

Afiona tried to consider herself as she would any other patient.  :I need to break the pattern of being a victim.:

:What would you suggest for a patient who has been traumatized severely and often slips into the role of the victim?:  Daric prodded.

:I would suggest a session with the mindhealers but that is a problem.  They would take away my status if they thought I was unstable.:  Afiona pointed out.

:Surely you've had a stubborn patient that just refuses to talk to a mindhealer.:  Daric said hopefully.

:Actually, we had one very stubborn Companion whose Herald was badly injured while on circuit and the Companion was almost crippled with guilt believing that his inability to defend his Chosen had made his injuries worse.  He started to believe that he had actually been the cause of the injuries.  He became too scared to fight.  I ordered him to have more fighting lessons, at first alone to help rebuild his shattered confidence and then with his Herald until they were an even stronger team than before.:  Afiona admitted.  :It is not the same but…:

:Wonderful idea.:  Daric said enthusiastically.  :It would force you to rely only on yourself for protection.:

Afiona reached out with one hand and stroked his smooth neck.  :Who do I talk to about that?:

:Lance's mother.  She would be the best choice for you.  You have less fear around females, I have noticed that, and she would understand your problem.  And trust me, she won't tell anyone what you tell her.  She isn't empathic but she has seen more than even most Heralds.  She was posted in the south when she was young and saw the young women that had been raped and beaten by the so called bandits.:  Daric assured her confidently.

Afiona was obviously doubtful.  :Are you sure?  Won't she tell Lance?:

:No.  She won't even tell her husband.:  Daric assured her.  :Feeling more in control now?:

Afiona smiled slightly and nodded.  :I do feel a bit more in control.  I think this is the first time since Nico was born that I have felt any measure of control.:

Daric snorted.  :No wonder!  That little scamp hasn't let you have a moment's peace, his every need has come first.  Sometimes I wonder if you don't need more help.:

Afiona moved quickly to assure him.  :I can cope.  You take him for much of the day already, and the mares all help by watching him.:

:But he doesn't let you out of his sight for more than a few minutes, unless he is being told a very good story and he can sense you nearby.  That is normal for him, but you need some time to yourself.:  Daric pointed out logically.

:I had time to myself, with Lance the other night.:  Afiona blushed and stroked a strand of hair out of her eyes.  :And that brings us to my other problem; Lance.  I feel so bad for how I acted, and I tried writing an apology but my handwriting is beyond pathetic and I didn't know what to write so I tossed them all in the fire.:

:Well, what do you want to say?:  Daric urged.

:That I am sorry for acting like I did, I never intended to confuse or hurt him.:  Afiona started.  :That I am going to miss him.  That I want him to be careful, I hate patching up friends.:

Daric stepped closer and hung his head over her shoulder so she could scratch his chin in that spot he never seemed to scratch right.  :Write that then.  I am sure he is having just as much trouble as you.:

Afiona rested her head against his neck and waved at Nico as he paused to check to see if she was still there.  :It doesn't come out right.  It's all stiff and awkward.:

:Speaking from experience, that is normal when you are still feeling each other out.  Since he is not here and you don't have a pen I think we should focus on something else.:

:Like what?:  Afiona asked.

Daric hesitated.  :Like your dreams.  How you keep dreaming of your brother even though it has been years and then you end up somewhere in Valdemar until you calm down enough to return to your body.:

Afiona grimaced.  :Oh, that.  I have never been able to control it when I am asleep.  And I do shield.:

:I know.:  Daric quickly assured her.  :You have excellent control when you are awake, but when you are asleep and you are at the mercy of your emotions.  I have seen you after you seen through your brother's eyes, you regress to how you must have felt when you were a little girl, worried about when your brother was going to kill you.:

Afiona nodded, she felt a stirring of fear as she consider the last occasion; she had been forced to watch for several minutes as her brother beat a woman.  That had been the morning she had gone to see Lance off.  :What do you suggest?:

:I know this requires a great leap of faith on your part and most Companions don't even have to consider this resort, but I can deepen our bond so that when you…travel and start to feel fear I can pull you back.  It would mean I would see all you see and hear all you hear.  I would also see your surface thoughts and it will be very hard for us to block each other out.:  Daric turned his head so he could see her reaction.  :It would also give you a firmer anchor for when you help the wounded Companions and Heralds.:

:Does everyone know about that?:  Afiona asked, still considering his proposal.

:We have known about your wanderings since you first came to Haven.  I admit that a few have actually pulled you to them when they saw no other recourse.:  Daric said hesitantly.  :Does it bother you?:

:No, why would it?  I am just glad I can be of help.:  Afiona quickly assured him.  :About this bond, how deep will it be?:

:I am not exactly certain.  It depends on how your own Gifts react to it.  We may…resonate more than you would find comfortable.:  Daric tried to say delicately.

:I think it is worth the risk, if you are willing to risk it as well.:  Afiona agreed.

Daric heaved a sigh of relief.  :It takes time, but until it is strong enough I'll sleep right outside your door so I can hear you.:

:Thank you.:  Afiona said with sincere gratitude.

:Mama-Afi!:  Nico called as he scampered towards her, his legs nearly tangling beneath him.

"I am right here, angel."  Afiona quickly called to him.

Nico stopped and butted his head against her stomach.  :I stay with you for now.:

:Careful, soon you will send Mama-Afi tumbling when you do that.:  Daric reminded him.

Nico ducked his head.  :Oops.:

"That's alright.  I'll see you later, Daric.  I have one problem to tend to before supper."  Afiona started back towards the palace.

:What one?:  Daric asked curiously.

"Medren."  Afiona called over her shoulder.

Afiona did not go into the palace but went into a large indoor riding ring used by the trainees of all collegia.  A young woman, clad in brilliant whites, with a half dozen lead ropes over one shoulder and a long log used on a jump over the other smiled a greeting as Afiona entered.  "You're early.  I wasn't expecting you for another candlemark."

"I can come back if you want."  Afiona offered as Nico took off to investigate the low jump the Herald had set up.

"I'd rather you stick around, the more time we have to dedicate to designing your Companion med kit the sooner it is done."  The Herald hung the ropes on a hook and set the log against the wall.  "Is he alright over there?"  She gestured to Nico on the far side on the ring.

Afiona watched as Nico investigated the jump.  "He's fine, he is just curious.  Shall we have a seat?"

Afiona sat on a bench that stretched along one wall and pulled out a piece of paper that was already covered in writing.  "Did you think of anything else that should be in the kit?"

"No."  The Herald admitted as she released a relieved sigh and sat next to Afiona.  

"Mia, I have an odd favor to ask.  I have two cantankerous patients I could use some help with tomorrow morning.  Could you spare me a couple of candlemarks?"  Afiona asked.

Mia considered it for a moment.  "I have a class right before lunch but I can help you till then."

"Wonderful."  Afiona glanced at the Herald next to her, Mia looked like an angel and had the heart to match.  She had pale, straight blond hair, light blue eyes, and perfect complexion.  "My friends, Medren and Stefen, said they would come but since they are Bards…"

"You don't want them holding the hoof of a pissed off Companion."  Mia guessed.  "I know Stef, but I haven't had a chance to meet Medren yet.  He was long gone by the time I was in Bardic."

"You were in Bardic?"  Afiona repeated, genuinely surprised.

"For all of a year before Lika stepped into my life.  And don't you worry about me breaking a wrist or anything."  Mia assured her quickly.  "I am not that great of a player."

"Then why were you in Bardic?"  Afiona asked, confused.

"I can sing, I have the Bardic Gift, not nearly as strong as Stefen of course, and I am creative but I am completely hopeless with any instrument.  I still write songs but normally I only share those with the other Heralds."  Mia explained.  "Shall I meet you in your room for breakfast?"

"That will be wonderful."  Afiona said gratefully. 

"Excellent.  I look forward to meeting Medren."  Mia's voice held an odd tone.

"What?"  Afiona pressed.

"I have seen Medren from a distance several times."  Mia leaned closer.  "That boy is very easy on the eyes.  I hope you don't mind if I use this occasion to try and catch his eye?"

Afiona chuckled.  "I don't mind at all.  I admit the reason I asked you was because Medren has commented on seeing you many times and liking what he saw.  He keeps trying to pair me off with Lance and while I do adore Lance, I am not ready to act on it."

"Men can be such dolts sometimes."  Mia shook her head causing a silvery blonde strand of hair to fall in front of her face.  "I guess this will serve both our purposes.  I get to meet Medren and you get some peace.  That sounds like a fair deal."

~ * ~

Afiona groaned and tried to bat the hand away that kept shaking her shoulder.

"Come on Afi.  Time to greet the day."  Medren's too cheery voice pierced her sleep fogged brain. 

Nico had a bad night where he hadn't been able to fall asleep and when he did he kept kicking Afiona.  "Why do you keep calling me that?"  Afiona growled.  "It sounds like a name for a pet."

Medren stood causing her mattresses to shift.  "Good morning to you too."

Nico accidentally kicked her as he struggled to his feet causing a wince.  "Shut up and go away."  She ground out and sat up reluctantly.  Her eyes were puffy and blood shot from the long night and her mouth tasted like something died in it.  Medren however was far too conscious for a footloose bard at dawn.  He was dressed and groomed and obviously ready to help her.

"Great Gods!  You look like you spent the night fighting with a giant."  Medren exclaimed and knelt next to her to gently touch her bruised face.  "Tell me who did it and where to find them.  They won't do it again."

"Nico.  He kept having bad dreams."  Afiona explained as she clambered stiffly out of bed to let the still tired Nico out of the room.  She ignored his presence as she quickly shed her nightgown that bore many hoof marks and pulled on a pair of breeches and a shirt. 

A knock made her jump.  Medren gave her a worried look.

"Lack of sleep."  Afiona pointed out as she opened the door, revealing Mia with a loaded breakfast tray and Stef.

"Oh good, I was worried I was waking you but Lika insisted you were awake."  Mia stepped in to the room.  "You look like hell."

"I know.  Nico had nightmares."  Afiona sat on her hearth and restored the banked coals to their normal crackling life. 

"I bet you are eager for the day when he sleeps standing up."  Mia set her tray on the chair.

"Mia, this is Medren.  The great disturber of sleep."  Afiona grumbled.

"Sorry, she is not much of a morning person."  Medren gave Mia a smile and held out his hand in greeting.  "Were you roped into helping or is your Companion one of the injured?"

"I am a volunteer."  Mia accepted his hand.  From where Afiona sat she could see Mia's finger caress the inside of his wrist.  "I am pleased to meet you."

Stef glanced down at Afiona and cocked an eyebrow.  Afiona shrugged.  No doubt he saw Mia's gesture as well.

"Oh, I brought Nico's formula; Lika said you would probably appreciate it."  Mia broke the contact and collected the glass bottle from the tray.  "Could you show me how you feed him?  I have never heard of a Companion being raised on a bottle."

"You don't mind setting out breakfast do you?"  Afiona asked the strangely silent Medren and the grinning Stef.

"No problem."  Stef assured her.

:I think Stefen knows you are turning your hand to match making.:  Daric commented.

:Probably.  He would find it amusing.:  Afiona got to her feet stiffly and led Mia outside, grabbing her cloak on the way out the door.

Nico was romping in the fresh snow that covered the ground in a thick pristine blanket.  Before this he had only seen the sprinklings of snow that melted off rather quickly.  :Mama-Afi!  Look at this!:  Nico gave what he though was great leap but his tiny silver hooves barely cleared the snow.

"Very impressive."  Afiona said with a grin.  "Are you hungry?"

Nico immediately abandoned his playing to run to the women his tail and ears up.

"He is so cute!"  Mia cooed.  "Can he understand me?"

Afiona nodded, stifling a yawn.  "He understands normal speech."

"Can I feed him?"  Mia asked eagerly.

Afiona nodded and showed her how to hold the bottle.  "So, is Medren more impressive close up?"

Mia laughed.  "I definitely like what I see.  I am not treading on your toes am I?  I mean you two seem to be rather close."

Afiona shook her head.  "We have been lovers occasionally but we were never in love."

"Oh, good."  Mia said without looking up.  "Lika told me Bardaric Chose you."

Afiona stared mutely at the Herald.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone else."  Mia quickly assured her.  "I understand why you feel you are needed more as a healer now.  Lika tells me the Companions are all grateful for everything you do and how you have dedicated yourself to healing them but there are still some skills you should learn, especially with war on the horizon."

"Like what?"  Afiona asked hesitantly.

"Like riding like a Herald."  Mia pointed out.  "I can work with you first thing in the morning if you like."

:Did you know about this?:  Afiona asked the absent Daric.

:I know the others know I Chose you but I asked them not to tell their Chosen.:  Daric grumbled.  :At least only Lika broke ranks.:

"Thank you for the offer."  Afiona said uncertainly.  "But—"

"No buts.  You need to know how to ride if there is an emergency."  Mia said firmly.  "If you aren't willing I will have to tell the others."

"That is blackmail."  Afiona accused.

"I prefer to think about as coercion."  Mia said lightly.  "Besides, when this darling boy gets bigger you will have to help train him so it is for the best."

Afiona sighed in defeat.  "I should have known they would tell someone."

Mia gave her a curious look.  "Why wouldn't you want anyone to know?"

"It will be years before I would be considered trained as a Herald but I am a fully trained Healer now."  Afiona explained. 

Nico released the bottle and looked up at the two women.  :Can we play now?:

Afiona chuckled and scratched his forehead.  "Sorry sweetie, I have to work."

Nico heaved a sigh.  :I go with Mama-Afi?:

Afiona chuckled.  :No, you go with papa and play tag.:

:You go with the storymen?:  Nico asked as he reluctantly left her side and started towards the gate.

"I'm going help the hurt Companions.  When I finish patching them up you can come with me and think happy thoughts."  Afiona promised.

Nico's ears perked up.  :I go tell papa.:

"Happy thoughts?"  Mia asked curiously as she watched Nico scramble out the gate in search of his father.

"He is a powerful mindhealer.  Whenever anyone around him is upset he thinks happy thoughts at them to cheer them up."  Afiona explained as she turned to go back inside.

"That explains why you are raising him."  Mia said as she followed.  "What's the ethics of that for Companions?"

"I am not sure."  Afiona admitted.

Inside the men had set the tray on the hearth and had scrounged up enough pillows for everyone to sit comfortably in a half circle.

Stefen was sitting closest to the hearth and Medren was next to him.  Afiona took the other seat closest to the fire, leaving Mia to sit next to Medren.  As Afiona settled Stefen winked.

Afiona grinned.  "Could you pass the tea please?"

Mia settled next to Medren with a look in her eyes that was best described as predatory.  "How long do you plan on staying in Haven?"

Medren cleared his throat.  "I was going to stay until Afiona leaves to visit her cousin later this winter."

"When's that?"  Mia asked Afiona.

"I am not certain.  Demon can't make the trip and I don't want to leave him behind."  Afiona gestured to the furry form still in the bed.  Demon raised his head when he heard his name. 

:Jam?:  He asked hopefully.

:Not in bed old man.:  Afiona said firmly.

Demon got to his feet slowly and stretched carefully before padding across the floor to sit at Afiona's side.

Mia's eyes widened when she saw the size of the old dog.

"You should have seen him when he was younger."  Medren said.  "He would kill anyone who looked cross eyed at Afiona."

Afiona scratched her old friend's ears and gave him some bread slathered with jam.  "You still would, wouldn't you?  So long as you never had to leave your bed."

Demon wolfed down the treat ignoring the question.

"Medren told me how you took him out of the kennel when everyone else was scared to death of him."  Stefen commented.

"All he needed was someone to trust."  Afiona said softly.

"So you are waiting until he dies?"  Mia asked.

Afiona nodded.  "He has only a few weeks left.  Which is why I am not too worried about his diet."

:More jam?:  Demon said hopefully and gave her a hopeful look.  Afiona obliged him.

"I know it sounds callous, but he is only a dog."  Mia pointed out.

Afiona laughed, surprising everyone.  "I know he is only a dog but he has still been my loyal friend for years and I wish to repay his loyalty in kind."

Mia observed the pair for a few seconds.  "I never considered that.  My father owns hunting dogs but he always said not to get attached to them because they are just dogs."

Afiona draped an arm over Demon's back.  "I am an animal mindspeaker.  I know he would never leave me, no matter the danger and he trusts that I will act the same."

Demon turned and licked the side of her face.

Medren watched her solemnly remembering the night her brother had stabbed her and how Demon had refused to leave her.  "Will you get another dog?"

"I don't know.  Maybe I'll find another."  Afiona shrugged.  "Hurry up and eat.  We should get out there soon."

It was barely past dawn when the four emerged into the snow covered morning.  Stef strolled next to Afiona as Mia claimed Medren's arm and guided him to the stables.  If Medren's blush was any guide her words were not innocent.

"I can't believe you did that."  Stefen admitted.

"Sometimes distraction is the best offence."  Afiona admitted.  "Do you disapprove?"

"No.  I remember Mia rather well, she is quite shameless."  Stefen grinned.  "I think he will get what he deserves."

"Which is?"  Afiona asked curiously.

"A reminder on why he should keep his nose out of other people's relationships."  Stefen said lightly.