CHAPTER 1
HAPPILY EVER AFTER
It always ends Happily Ever After, with the Princess hopping into her new-husband-Prince-Charming's arms, and riding off into the sunset… It's always this way in huge Easy-To-Read Fairytale books, and on those infuriating audio cassettes with silly little 'ping' noises when you're meant to turn the page. Of course, at this point of course, the story tactfully quits while it is ahead. They never tell you just what happens in Happily Ever After…
Held in Prince Charming's arms, Snow White galloped off into the sunset, smiling as she heard the claps and cheers of all the cute little forest creatures from the side of the road. Little white bunnies hopped cheerfully through the meadows, frolicking about in the long, lush green grass, the white daisies, and the purple clover, peacefully oblivious to the reality that sooner or later they were all, in fact, due to become squashed lumps of blood and guts on the roadside, and upon their backs would be the imprints of somebody's new Ford Escort.
Yes, Snow White was certainly happy. As was Prince Charming. I mean, she had lived with 7 other men – boy, she was not easy… So, the two of them rode up through the castle gates, peaceful and happy, smiles upon their pretty little faces, ready for a life of parties, riches, royalty, and of course, love. Aaaah!
It all went downhill that very night.
The two of them arrived back in the courtyard, which was all very romantic. An ornate fountain in one corner, a flowerbed of red roses in another, a statue of what appeared to be a rather fat little cherub in another, and finally, an apple tree of pure gold. They were on a lawn of perfectly green grass, the lawn smooth and the grass short, rather like at Wimbledon. The courtyard was getting rather dark however, as the sun was beginning to set. Around them stood the high walls of the castle, all rather intimidating at first.
Dismounting the horse, Snow White smiled and stroked the Prince's cheek.
"Thank you darling…" she whispered in his ear, and then gave him a kiss upon the lips. He pulled away swiftly.
"Yes, yes…" he murmered, leading the horse into its stable, and then entering the castle. Feeling rather dejected, like a balloon that had just deflated, she followed him, a hurt expression on her face. "Oy!" she said in annoyance. "I've just been poisoned by a wicked old witch, died, and then brought back to life by my True Love! Aren't you going to show some affection?"
He looked at her quizzically, a rather baffled look upon his face. "Affection?" he murmured, as if he had never heard of the word.
"You know, love? Feelings for me?"
He scratched his head and frowned slightly. "Love? Feelings? Affection? Didn't say anything about that in the contract…" Shaking his head, he walked on through the corridors of the castle, quickening his pace.
"Contract?" spluttered Snow White. "You were rescuing me on a bloody contract?"
"Couldn't help it. All Princes have to sign a contract upon becoming Prince, and it involved finding a Damsel in Distress, helping her, and then living Happily Ever After with them. But I'm sure it didn't say anything about Love… Now, if you don't mind, I've just missed the start of The Bill." And with that, he hastened his pace yet again, and Snow White found herself alone in one of the many hallways of the castle, staring at the wall where the Prince had just been standing. A bleeding contract. So, True Love was never to be…
She gave herself a shake. She had to give it time. I mean, look at all those arranged marriages over in India. They worked out fine… It was their first night after all, and the Prince was bound to be tired after all of today's drama. Yes, that was it.
Feeling rather silly, she continued along the corridor, Snow White listened out for the TV, and sure enough she could hear the sounds of a police siren blasting through a door on her left. She opened it, and, sure enough, there was the Prince, lazily slumped on the couch, a bag of Walkers Thai Chilli Sensations in hand. She walked over to him, and knelt down in front of him.
"Honey, I'm so sorry about how I acted today. I was irrational, tir-'' She was interrupted by a rather annoyed Prince Charming.
"Ssssh… TV…." He craned his neck to the side to get a better view of the screen, and waved vaguely with his left hand (in which was grasped the remote,) gesturing for her to move out of the way. Gritting her teeth but managing to stay calm, Snow White moved out of the way, and sat herself down beside the Prince, but this was greeted by a loud groan of protest.
"I know you're a Princess 'n all, but my feet were there first." He kicked out with his feet, and in the end Snow White gave up.
"I'm going to bed." she declared, standing up in front of the Prince. "Thank you for today, it's been… different." she resolved, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. The Prince nodded hurriedly, and with a rather anxious expression on his face, he muttered – "The TV, the TV… move goddamit!"
Rolling her eyes, sighing, and feeling rather hurt, Snow White walked out the room, forgetting all manners of etiquette – her back was hunched, her feet were dragging along the ground and… it couldn't be… she bore a… a…. broken nail!
She found herself in the corridor once more. It was a typical, castle-like corridor – walls of huge grey bricks, a red carpet lined with gold, and various ornaments on the walls, including a rather foreboding suit of armour. Shivering, Snow White decided to try and find a room to sleep in.
It turned out rather easy in the end. She had expected a labyrinth of corridors, and to be honest, it was, or would have been, had it not been for the convenient signposts that were dotted around the place. "THIS WAY TO PRINCE CHARMING AND SNOW WHITE'S BEDROOM." Feeling rather glad that the Prince had in fact shown some sign of hospitality, she set off through the corridors, and eventually arrived at what was, unmistakably the master bedroom.
A large oak four-poster was the centrepiece of the room, long red velvet curtains hanging from either side, with little golden tassels adorning the edges. The duvet was soft and warm, perhaps the finest the kingdom had to offer. The plush carpet was also a deep red in colour. Kicking off her dainty little shoes, Snow White dug her feet into the softness of the ground and smiled. At last, something had gone right since she had entered the castle. Once again, all etiquette escaped her as she took a running jump at the bed, landing on it with a muffled thump. A smile spread across her face and she buried it in the pillow.
"Enjoying it are you? I hope you found my signs OK."
Snow White jumped out of her skin. "What the f….Wh-who said that?"
"Look behind you."
Obligingly, Snow White turned round to see – "You!" she gasped. It was The Mirror, the one who had served the Wicked Queen all those years. "What are you doing here? And… you look a little… immobile. How did you set out those signs?" Although she had never met the mirror before, she had heard all about it.
"I got the servants to hang the signs. No big deal. Anyways, the Wicked Queen died this afternoon. Prince Charming decided I would make a good match with the furnishings in this room." It was true; the ornate gold rim of the mirror suited the room well.
"Well, let's just see if you are the real thing… Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
The mirror rolled its eyes (well, it wasn't the mirror that rolled its eyes… as far as I know, mirrors don't even have eyes. Let's just say it was the face in the mirror that rolled its eyes.) The face in the mirror rolled its eyes. "Thou, o great Princess art the fairest of them all… But you could do with a bit of a haircut."
Snow White grinned. "Actually, I'm trying to grow it. I was a bit fed up of that little bob I wore in the film. The director wouldn't let me grow it any longer… so it's at a bit of a split-end stage right now. But it'll be nice once it's the right length."
The mirror shrugged. (OK, by now you should know I'm referring to the face in the mirror.) "Fair enough."
"Well, I'm off to my bed now. Night night…" She was about to change into her night gown, but she turned around. "Excuse me…" she grabbed a towel from a nearby cupboard and hung it over the mirror. "No peeking."
Once she was changed, she got into bed, and snuggled down under the duvet. It had been a long day, full of surprises, some good, some bad. But surely it could only get better… "Er, little help?" A muffled cry emitted from the mirror. But Snow White didn't hear it. She was already asleep.
"Er… excuse me, what do you think you're doing?" Snow White was woken from her peaceful slumber, to find Prince Charming staring down at her. "This is my bed… What the hell are you doing in it?"
Snow White sat up. "You're supposed to be my True Love. What does it matter if I share your bed?"
"I need that space. It's too small a bed for the two of us," Prince Not-So-Charming whined. Snow White almost burst out laughing. She probably would have done if she hadn't been so angry.
"It's a King Sized Double Bed for pete's sakes!"
"And… You can have the couch if you like."
Gritting her teeth in an attempt to control her anger, she hauled herself out of bed, grabbed her dressing gown and made her way over to the door. The mirror was still whining in the corner.
"Shut it you," she snapped before storming out of the room.
Never in her life had she been so infuriated, hurt and sleepy all at the same time. Stumbling down the corridors, she felt a bit of a fool. She supposed he would have been a bit nervous about sharing a bed with someone he'd only just met… Shaking herself, she reached the TV room, and lay down upon the couch, and closed her eyes.
"Move of the sofa goddamit!"
Snow White was awoken with a start. She could feel somebody shaking her vigorously, cursing her.
"What is it?"
"Move off the bloody sofa! I want to watch TV…" The horrible reality of it all flooded back to Snow White. Where she was, and what she was doing there.
"All right, all right," she muttered irritably. Heaving herself off the couch, she stood up, and found herself eye to eye with So-Called-Prince-Charming. "Good morning," she said, a little stiffly. He grunted in reply, and then plonked himself down in front of the TV.
"Move… in the way… TV…"
Snow White's nostrils flared, but she kept her lips pursed together tightly, and moved out the way. She went upstairs, got herself changed into her dress, and came back downstairs.
"I hope I'm not interrupting your precious TV time, but what the hell am I supposed to do all day?"
"There's a list of chores for you to do over there." The Prince gestured towards a nearby coffee table.
"Oh wow. How on earth did you find the time to do that? You didn't cut out any precious TV time, did you?" she asked sarcastically.
"Oh don't worry about me," grinned the Prince, evidently thinking that the woman saw his TV needs as important. "I took the time to write it during the commercials."
Snow White fought hard against the urge to rip his head off.
"You're blocking… TV… move…"
Shaking with silent anger, Snow White left the room, shutting the door quietly, only just resisting the temptation to slam it. She glanced down at the piece of paper in her shaking hand.
"By the order of Prince Charming V11 you are hereby declared official chores woman of Castle on the Hilltop, Charmingland, Kingdom of the Fairytales.
You are now bound by a contract of trust to do the duties requested by the Prince each day.
Monday 23rd July – DUTIES FOR TODAY
Scrub all the floors
Wash my socks
Clean up the empty crisp packets that are littered around the TV room
Beat all the rugs
Cook all meals (Breakfast, Brunch, Elevenses, Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Dinner, Supper)
Clean the windows
(At this point, Snow White broke off, startled. The castle had no windows – they were mere holes in the wall, with no glass or plastic to keep out the draught.)
Repair the shower in the top bathroom
Clean the bathrooms
Wash the rest of my clothes
Shine my shoes
Attend to my every need.
Snow White stopped reading at this point. She took the piece of paper, and angrily crumpled it into a ball. Who did Prince-Not-Very-Charming-At-All think he was, giving her a list of chores to do? It was absurd. Chucking the ball of paper onto the ground, she marched back into the room, and stood in front of the Prince and his TV. The Prince whimpered, and craned his neck to get a better view of the TV.
"Right, listen up Prince. I'm fed up. I'm leaving this bloody castle, and I'm leaving YOU. If you think for just one minute that I'm going to stay in this creepy castle with a creepy guy like you then you're wrong. I'm off. Stuff this One True Love lark. If I ever find my One True Love it aint gonna be you."
"That's fine… move… TV… out the way…" he whined, still craning his neck to see the TV better. Shaking with anger, the Princess stormed out of the castle, and went out towards the stables. She greeted the stable boy with a false smile, and air of calm.
"Just out for a morning ride you know… beautiful day…" The stable boy looked up at her a little strangely. It was raining. "Oh, you know, nothing like the good old fresh air to liven up your skin…" Snow White said hastily, before jumping upon a strong white stallion and riding off into the horizon, a new future waiting for her.