I'm not dead. You must all be so happy. I've just been very, very busy with a) GCSEs b) preparing to move house (I have to share with my sister now, how dreadful is that?) and c) writer's block.

This bit is very bad, because I have writer's block on this particular fic. I'm suddenly contemplating a Sabrina/Brock one, though, which is bad because I swore to run screaming from ffn as soon as this was over. Well, at least I'm not straying into HP or LotR. Those ones where taken over by the fanbrats years ago.

Just realised how out-of-date my profile is. It says I'm fourteen when I'm actually sixteen on the 17th Aug. Remind me to change it.

Much love for the reviewers. And Demon who is a Geek, there is no such thing as loving Gio – I mean, Team Rocket too much.

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Several minutes later, when the incident with Team Rocket was completely forgotten, the Twerp Trio Plus Sue were hiking up a hill. It was a blue hill, if anyone cares.

"From the top of this hill, we will be able to see my home, Rosewood Village!" Celandine announced, ignoring the part where they were already at the top of the hill, then spun round and flung out an arm, knocking off Ash's cap. "Lo and behold! We can see my home, Rosewood Village!"

"You know, I'm starting to think that this is where Celandine lives. Just a wild guess." Pikachu remarked, hopping up on Ash's shoulder to see better. "Okay, that's not a village. That's a town. You can tell by the size of it. If it was a village, it would be smaller."

Vulpix scrabbled up beside him, and perched on Ash's hat, which had miraculously reappeared on his head. "It's all made of wood, though. It'll burn well." She regarded the 'village' with fascinated eyes. "We should set the Gym on fire first. And roast marshmallows."

"Agreed."

"Pink ones?"

"No, too Sueish. White ones."

"Yes, but the white ones are vanilla-flavoured and I hate vanilla. Strawberries are better."

"Maybe we can get some non-pink strawberry ones…" Pikachu mused. "Hang on, does it really matter what colour the marshmallows are?"

There was a long pause while the surrounding Pokemon considered this.

"Well, no."

"Not really."

"No. Because they all end up the same colour anyway."

"Not if SHE cooks them."

"Uh, yeah. Sort of blackish with dark brown cinder effect."

"Not my favourite."

Pikachu glared at Squirtle and Bulbasaurina.

"Okay, we get it. Ixnay on the marshmallows."

"Good. Let's move, then. We need to kill Celandine before she marries Brock."

Celandine apparently heard him, because she promptly gushed, "Brock, love, we should get married as soon as possible! There's a church in Rosewood Village we can use!"

On cue, a church complete with steeple, stained-glass windows, and a banner reading 'BROCK AND CELANDINE GET MARRIED! OMG!1!' materialised somewhere in the centre of the 'village'. The roads twisted like Arboks to meet up with it.

Grinning victoriously, Celandine raced down the steep stony slope without falling over, despite her seven-inch heels. This is another of the many magical powers that Sues possess, along with special hair and ancestry that defies logic.

Brock raced after, closely followed by Ash and Misty. Pikachu, who was perched on Ash's shoulder, was jolted horribly. The other Pokemon followed at a considerably more sedate pace.

Eventually, they caught up with Pikachu, who had fallen off and was lying in the middle of the street, looking rather green.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"No, you won't, because we're going to burn down a town and that'll make you feel better." Vulpix said comfortingly.

"Hey…" Togepi called, from where he was inspecting a PokeMart. "I think there's something wrong with this shop…probably the lack of an actual building…"

The other Pokemon hurried over to see. And as it turned out, the PokeMart was actually a cardboard cutout. It was held up by wooden struts. It wobbled slightly when Bulbasaurina kicked it.

Pikachu walked slowly back round the front, balanced precariously on tiptoes, and peered in through the windows. Vaguely blurred, doll-like figures moved around inside, mechanically walking from displays to racks of Pokeballs and Potions to the cash desk over and over again. He looked round the back. Blank cardboard and dirt. Weeds had grown up around the bases of the struts. He shivered.

"Vulpix, if you need some practice burning things…"

Vulpix obliged.

"Thanks."

The group walked away in the direction of the Pokemon Centre. Which, it turned out, was another cardboard cutout, an inflatable Nurse Joy complete with glassy smile sellotaped behind the desk.

Celandine looked quite at home. She'd kicked off her shoes, one of which had become a combat boot laced with a ribbon that was an eye-burningly vivid cross between pink and purple, and put her feet up on one end of the sofa. Misty was inexplicably standing on the wall.

"Wow. Celandine, that's such a big rock." she said, without any enthusiasm at all.

The Pokemon watched, fascinated, as the diamond in Celandine's engagement ring turned into a large boulder.

"Yes, it's a lovely Diamond."

The rock turned into a diamond. A shapeless greyish diamond, but still a diamond. It had to be a diamond, because it had a big sign saying 'Diamond' on it.

Suddenly, ten hours passed. Bulbasaurina overbalanced and fell over. Togepi laughed hysterically.

"She calls that warping time? I can warp time better than that with both hands tied behind my –"

"Togepi, shut up." Pikachu was looking around. "Can you see something over there?"

"Actually…"

Something a rather unpleasant shade of purplish-red was poking out from behind a cardboard postbox just visible through one of the windows. Pikachu sidled out and over to it while Celandine flipped the TV back to those strange yellow people, and whispered, "Psst!"

At least, he tried to. Jessie and James probably never heard him, on account of the way that Jessie immediately leapt out from behind the postbox (this time dressed as a swashbuckling buccaneer, complete with wobbly rubber sword) and declaimed, "Prepare for trouble!"

"Oh, brilliant, it's Team Rocket."

James hopped out on the other side, dressed up as a can-can dancer and frantically pulling on a high-heeled buckled boot.

"And make it double!" he gasped out before overbalancing and falling to the ground.

"Team Rocket would make much better allies if they weren't so obvious." Togepi commented. Ash, Misty, Brock, and Celandine had filed out of the Pokemon Centre and were watching with a kind of scientific detachment as Team Rocket went through the motto. Idly, Pikachu wondered why. The Twerps had all heard the motto so many times, they must be able to recite it backwards in Pig Latin while standing on their heads. Then he remembered that it was all Celandine's fault.

Jessie said her lines and then surreptitiously kicked James in the ribs.

"James! James, your line!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation…" James gasped out, finally getting the boot on and scrambling up. Then he tripped on his skirt and fell down again.

"I see what you mean about obviousness."

"Pity we couldn't get Butch and Cassidy. At least they're useful."

"No, Butch and Cassidy wouldn't do. They're gleefully evil, whereas Jessie and James are just inept and desperate for success. They're much easier to direct.

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!" Team Rocket finished, finally.

"Meowth, dat's right!"

Jessie struck a pose. "Hand over Celandine and no-one gets hurt!"

There was a long silence during which even Jessie realised she'd said something wrong, possibly because Pikachu had slumped against the postbox with his face buried in his hands and Vulpix was repeatedly slamming her head against a convenient wall.

"Hey, why are de twoips-"

Meowth didn't even get to finish the sentence before Celandine's Flareon's 'Fire Soul' attack – the Pokemon still hadn't worked out that one – hit them.

"Team Rocket's blasting off again!" they chorused, as they flew off into the sky and disappeared with their usual cheery twinkle.

"That was….anti-climatic."

"You do have a point about recruiting Butch and Cassidy. Though the Sue did get to them, so they might be harder to convince."

"Or we could just clue Jessie and James in. If they said something like 'We're here to escort Celandine to the Boss because he's seen the error of his ways and wants to beg for forgiveness' they'd get her like that." Togepi didn't snap his fingers, because he lacked any fingers to snap, but if he'd had any, he would have done.

"Wouldn't work. You'd need to add about fifty points to their IQs."

Togepi looked thoughtful.

"Don't even think it, Togepi. We'll have to fight these people again when Celandine's dead."

Togepi stopped looking thoughtful and looked sulky instead.

"Now we must travel to my home gym of Rosewood Gym and challenge my mother, Mynestroni, for only then can I become a true Pokemon Mistress!"

"No such thing, Sue."

"She's stealing Ash's dream! How dare she!"

"Togi!"

"Pikachu?" Vulpix nudged him gently. "Pikachu, you're sparking."

Pikachu extinguished the sparks with an irritable glower. Togepi waddled back from several feet away.

"Don't do that, it's irritating. Not that it would harm me in any way, of course." he added hastily, in case anyone had forgotten his position as Resident Uber-Powerful Time-Biding Pokemon.

"Here we are at Rosewood Gym!"

Pikachu looked up. They didn't appear to have moved at all. There was the Pokemon Centre on the left, windows casting oblongs of light on the cobbles, and – he looked to the right. What had been a shop selling fruit and vegetables had now become a Pokemon Gym. It was quite incontestably a Gym. It had 'GYM' in big letters over the door. What was worrying Pikachu now was the lack of windows or, indeed, anything else. No walls, no columns, just a sheer wall of white-painted brick - or, alternatively, cardboard - rising up like a cliff.

Celandine and the Twerps disappeared inside. Pikachu squared his shoulders and stood straight. "Once more into the breach, my friends."

Vulpix moved up beside him. "It's cardboard. It'll burn." More to herself than to Pikachu, she repeated 'It'll burn. It'll burn to the ground."

Pikachu grinned at her and ran after Ash.