Aztec Goddess: I have less than a week of school left! So once school's over, I can update more often! Whee! This fic is doing better than my last one!

We All Need Counseling

Ed's first day was going along horribly, but Roy's looked like it was going to be pretty good. He had Psychology first period and showed off his fire-creating skills to the teacher. The teacher was so amazed, he gave Roy a cookie. So, yeah, that class will be an easy A.

Havoc was in the same class. He and Roy spent most of the time flicking pencils to the ground to see girls bend over. Some stupid girls actually did fall into their traps. Kelly High is like Heaven for them. "Miniskirts everywhere!" Roy had squealed to Havoc in the beginning of class. They both squealed and jumped up and down for the first couple minutes of class until the teacher told them to sit down.

Roy and Havoc went separate ways in passing period. Roy was prancing around like a hyperactive pervert, checking out all the girls. But then, one particular girl caught his eye. She was walking the same way he was supposed to go. Roy followed close behind. She was short – she couldn't be a senior or be on her way to Economics. But she had a nice butt, and that's all Roy noticed. He couldn't resist.

"Hey, cutie! You a senior?" Roy called out. Before the girl had time to turn around, he grabbed her ass.

"AH!" the girl shrieked. "What the hell's your problem, you –" she looked up at Roy, and became speechless. A look of horror swept across her face.

Roy was as shocked as a bird sitting on a malfunctioning telephone wire. " . . . Full Metal?"

"You know anyone else with an automail arm?" the girl, which was Ed, shrieked. How did Roy miss that? Oh, right, Ed's ass.

"Oh, dear God!" Roy clutched his hand. "My hand! It's ruined! I must burn it now!" He put his fingers in a snapping position.

"This is all your fault! And don't bother burning your hand off, lemme chop it off for ya!" Ed clapped his hands and was about to turn his automail arm into a blade, but Riza Hawkeye came by just in time.

"Roy! Don't pick fights with little girls! You want to get expelled?" Riza said.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE'LL GET EATEN BY A DUST BUNNY!"

Riza raised an eyebrow at Ed. "I said no such thing. Tell your doctor to take you off the medication he's been giving you."

"Hawkeye, it's me."

" . . . Ed? Oh, wow. I didn't know this about you." Riza backed away from Ed. "This . . . this is awkward."

"It's freakin' Roy's fault!" Ed pointed at the air. "Now if you don't mind, I must kill him for this." Ed turned around and saw that Roy was nowhere in sight. In fact, there were hardly any people in the halls.

"I don't want to get involved in whatever Roy did to you, so just don't tell me, okay?" Riza said. "Looks like we're running late. Are you heading to Economics, too?" Ed nodded, so they jolted to the class. They were the last ones there, so the teacher assigned tem their seats. Riza sat on the left side of class, behind Roy. Ed sat on the right side of class, right next to . . .

"What, the, crap," Ed said a bit tiredly. It was only second period, and too many things have already gone wrong.

"How did you come so late, nene?" Envy said. It wasn't really a question. He just wanted to be annoying. "I can show you a shortcut if you wanna know: don't go the wrong way!"

"I was only trying to avoid you!" Ed spat. He took his seat and scooted as far away from Envy as possible. "Are you in all of my classes, or something?"

"Well, if your schedule is: Calculus with Borland, Economics with Johnson, Spanish with Alvarez, English with Boullon, Psychology with Latham, and Business with Abe, then, yes, I'm in all of your classes."

Ed read, reread, and reread his schedule once again, then slammed his head against the desk. "Why me?" he sobbed.

Envy took Ed's schedule away and read it himself. "Wow, every single class! That makes you my new best friend!"

"Where'd you come up with that logic?"

"It would be more convenient." Envy replied matter-of-factly. "I promise I won't put your personal life against you."

"What a liar! You just wanna kill me when I least expect it."

Envy shrugged. "Believe what you want, nene. But if we're enemies, there's a pretty good chance I'll get you expelled just for the hell of it!"

"What are you doing in high school anyway?" Ed asked coldly.

"We, as in me and my six other friends, know all about the problem you State Alchemists are facing. So we're here mainly to make things more difficult for you guys!"

"Jeez, get a hobby."

"Tormenting you guys IS our hobby!"

Just then, Mr. Johnson came over and slammed his fist on Ed's desk, making both Ed and Envy jump. "Hey, you two! Shut up!" He stared at Ed for a second; maybe realizing that he's a guy, then shook his head and went back to his usual spot in front of class.

Economics went by pretty fast. Ed darted out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang and ran back to Moon-Shoulder's office. He couldn't wait any longer to get out of the skirt. And if he wanted to kill Roy, he needed his dignity back first.

"Mrs. Moon-Shoulders, there's been a mistake! I'm a guy! Can't you see that?"

Moon-Shoulders looked at Ed from head to foot. "No. If you want to be proven male, then you should go see the school nurse. Her office is across from here. Then you need to see me again, to fix the problem, then to your counselor, because you look a bit troubled. I mean, it took you two periods to realize that you're wearing the wrong uniform!"

Ed tried to explain himself, but the secretary had already shoved him out of her office. So he went to see the nurse, Ms. Lipps. She was an old, historic lady with the dimensions of a toothpick. "What seems to be the problem, sweety?" she asked Ed.

"I'm a guy, and I suppose I need proof of that from you," Ed replied.

"Oh, don't say you're a guy, sweety! I'm sure you're beautiful on the inside!"

"No! I'm literally a guy!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself! Would a lollypop make you feel better?"

Ed was getting impatient. "Listen lady; just sign a paper saying I'm a guy, or something!"

"Teenagers and their awkward stages," Lipps mumbled. She took out a pen and paper from her pocket and scribbled all over it. "Here you go."

Ed left back to Moon-Shoulder's office in a hurry. He tried to read the paper Lipps gave him, but it looked more like worms doing the tango than anything else.

"Okay, I've got proof," Ed said to the secretary. "Can I get the right uniform now?" He handed the paper to her.

Moon-Shoulders read the paper. "It says here you have low self-esteem. Ms. Lips advises that you should get a girlfriend, and maybe that will make you stop cross-dressing. And also . . . worms are doing the tango on tonight's episode of Ripley's! Wow, I've gotta see that!"

"Um . . . so can I get my uniform now?"

"Tomorrow. We have no more boy uniforms at the moment, so the one you're wearing will have to do! And don't forget to see your councilor! She's two doors down from here."

"What? You can't expect me to wear this the rest of the day!"

"Sure I can. Now leave!"

Ed grumbled a couple of bad words under his breath, then walked to his councilor's office. It turned out to be Sloth.

"Whoa! Foo, you messed up!" Sloth exclaimed.

"Why are you talking like that?" Ed asked, really startled.

"Sorry. That tends to happen when you hang around weird teenagers all day." Then Sloth went back to talking all weird. "So, what up? Finally got outta the closet?"

"No!" Ed took a seat and explained everything. "First of all, I was forced to come here by some retarded people. Then Roy filled out my forms and wrote in that I'm a female! Now I have to constantly worry about Envy since he's in all of my freakin' classes!" Ed had a moment of silence. "I want my mommy."

Sloth went back to talking normal. "Oh, you poor thing! I'd help you, but I'm on Envy's side. And I'm not too fond of you."

Ed stood up. "Then I'll fix all these problems myself! I'll be the most popular GUY in school, I'll kick Roy's ass to Cuba, and I'll get rid of all the homunculi! I won't let any of them come between me and my diploma!"

"Hey, don't talk like I'm not here! That is like, so totally rude!" Sloth shoved Ed so he toppled over the chair, then headed for the door. "By the way: your blue boxers totally clash with your uniform! Don't you know anything about style?" Then she left the room.

Aztec Goddess: I added Drama as the second genre because, man, I didn't expect so much of it to show up in this story! Oh, well. I'll make it all work somehow.

To iamdeath: (starry eyed) Wow. A 9/10! I consider that extremely good. Thank you!

To Angel-of-Music1331: Man, this chapter was kinda hard to make as funny as the others. Hopefully, it won't drive you away. I promise to try harder next chapter!

To sexylucifer: Wow, that's a lot. Um, let's just say Ed shaves. Wait, is that worse?

To jessica: I'll keep on going as long as I get reviews. I think this story is gonna end up being pretty long though. Hope you'll keep on reading!

To Hoshi Akarui: I just like putting Ed in bad situations. I dunno why. It's fun!

To no one's friend: You think I'm scary but good? Yay! You're my friend now!

To monik: Hey, I can't find you here. You're demonik, right? Hm . . . strange. But thanks for reading my stories!

To Paola: Viola is a type of violin! Anyway, voila, I put those teachers in! Wow, I just realized that I'm still writing about the first day of school.