Aztec Goddess: My dog walks sideways. I don't own Final Fantasy. Crude language alert. Anyhoo, here's the next chapter!

Just Desserts

"PURPLE DRAPES?" Al yelled at the Fab Five. "What the hell is your guys' problem!"

"It's called style, you poorly dressed man," one of them said.

Another member of the Fab Five handed Al a fuzzy pink hat. "Here. Pink does wonders to that shade of blue!"

" . . . Okay, I think I've been patient for too long with you people," Al said. Then he yelled, "I challenge all of you to a Final Fantasy style battle!"

The screen swirled, then Al magically transported to one side of the room and the Fab Five and their camera man stood on the other side. Battle music began to play in the background.

One of the fairies used Sugar and Spice. Colorful dust fell all over Al. Al, being a suit of armor, was immune to Poison. Al counterattacked with a megaton punch. The camera man jumped in front of the fairy, and was destroyed in his place.

"AH!" a Fab Five guy screeched. "Time out! Time out!"

Al sighed. "Fine, but just this once."

"Phoenix Down! Phoenix Down!" the guy repeated over and over while pouring tons of Phoenix Down on the seemingly dead camera man.

In an instant, the camera man stood up, completely unharmed. "Man, this is getting too weird," he said. "I'm leaving." Then he left the apartment.

The Fab Five sobbed. "That was the only guy in the world willing enough to record our show!"

"Why can't you just get a girl?" Al asked.

"'Cause that'll be just plain awkward."

"Oh, I see." Then Al resumed his fighting stance. "Time in!" Al used Focus on himself.

The Fab Five saw this as their chance to use their ultimate attack: Rainbow of Happiness! They shot out a different color beam, creating a rainbow minus the color blue because that's too manly for them. But, since rainbows curve, their attack went right over Al and blew up his living room.

"What the hell, you fuckin' assholes!" Al cussed like he never cussed before, which I believe is the case. "How dare you fuckin' destroy my shitty home! ULTIMA!" With that final attack, Al obliterated the Fab Five . . . along with the rest of his apartment room. "Crap," was all he could say when he realized what he had done. But all was not lost! Al gained 60,000 dollars and a gift certificate for Victoria's Secret from the battle.

Then Ed came home. "Um, Al? What happened here?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Al walked Ed out of the apartment. "It's just, you know: when you live in an apartment for too long, it blows up! Let's go look for another place to live!" And so they moved into the apartment across the street.

The new apartment seemed much nicer. The rooms were way bigger, the floors were marble, and the carpets were Persian, and the toilet was in the bathroom! The Elric brothers had nothing to unpack, so they just made themselves comfortable in their fluffy king sized beds.

"Al, how'd you afford all this?" Ed asked as he stared up at the pretty glass and golden chandeliers.

Before Al could reply, the door swung open. "HELLO, NEW NEIGHBORS!" the intruder yelled. It was none other than Envy. "Hey, it's you, nene! How convenient!"

"Man, can't I ever have a peaceful moment?" Ed whined.

Al tilted his armor head at Envy. "Aren't you that crazy homunculus-"

"The word for him is hermaphrodite," Ed butted in.

"Hey, you meant that in a bad way!" Envy gasped. "You should be nicer to the one you owe two big favors to!"

"How do I know you'll even do them?"

Envy smiled deviously. "Heh – heh. Just wait and see!" He left the room, snickering.

"Favors?" Al asked Ed. "He's doing stuff for you?"

"I guess," Ed answered.

"What can't you do on your own?"

"I need a date for homecoming and I need help on getting back at Roy."

"You can't get your own date?" Al began to laugh. "That's sad. And you called me unmanly!"

"Hey, stop laughing! Thinks are all messed up now, but everything will be fixed . . . soon . . . right? Oh, crap! Please tell me things are gonna get better for me!"

"I'm not going to lie to you, brother . . ." and that's all Al said.

About a week later, an hour before homecoming . . .

Roy was getting ready to pick up Riza at her house. He got Hughes to let him borrow his new kick-ass car. All was going well. In fact, nothing terribly wrong had happened to Roy at all yet – except that time he grabbed Ed's ass. But he was over that already.

So Roy jumped into the pretty and shiny car and began to drive it. Well, what are you supposed to do with a car? But only after a few minutes on the road, he was pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to his window. "Sir, this vehicle has been reported stolen," the cop said to Roy. "License and registration?"

Is this your best shot, Ed? Roy thought. "That isn't true officer. I borrowed it from a friend."

"License and registration?" the cop repeated.

"What a waste of time," Roy mumbled. He pulled out his wallet . . . and there was nothing in it but a scrap of paper that read Ha, Ha! You are so screwed! "What the . . . Um, officer. I think I left my stuff at home, so if you would be so kind to-"

"Get out of the car," the cop ordered.

"But-" Roy's sentence was cut short by wailing coming from the trunk.

"OPEN THE TRUNK AND GET OUT OF THE CAR!" the cop shrieked as he pointed a gun at Roy. Roy, due to the fact that he had the crap scared out of him, obeyed. The cop dragged Roy out of the car, cuffed him, then dragged him behind the car so they could examine the trunk together.

It was poor Elysia all tied up with tape over her mouth. "You sick bastard!" the cop scolded Roy.

"But I didn't even know she was there!" Roy defended himself.

"That's what all sexual predators say." Just to be fair to Roy, the cop untied Elysia, took the tape off her mouth, and asked her, "Do you know who did this to you, sweetie?"

Elysia nodded, and pointed to Roy. "That man! I remember him exactly! He said we were going to play a fun game, so he tied me up and shoved me in the trunk of daddy's car! And then a little while later, the car started to move! He stole daddy's car, didn't he? What's so fun about that, huh?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Roy yelled at Elysia. "I haven't even seen you all day!"

"It's too late to come up with bullshit, you criminal!" the cop yelled.

"Bullshit! You're bullshit! There aren't any cops around here!"

"Well, there are now since there aren't enough StateMilitary peopleto do the job."

More cop cars came over and surrounded Hughes' car. Envy and the other homunculi watched the entire thing from a restaurant at the street corner. Envy was very pleased with what he had caused. "That was fun! . . . But maybe a bit too simple."

"What did you do, exactly?" Lust asked.

"First, I disguised myself as Roy and stuffed that one little girl in the trunk. Then I disguised myself as Hughes when Roy asked to borrow the car. So, when the real Hughes woke up from work, he first noticed that his car was missing!"

"Wow," Wrath said. "So, what are you getting in return?"

"I haven't decided yet. First, I need to be positively sure that nene trusts me. That might take a while. Then it'll be easy to get him expelled! Once the StateMilitary isgone, we can do whatever the hell we want with this country!"

"Oh, that reminds me . . ." Sloth started. She took out several files from a backpack and sprawled them all over the restaurant table. "As their councilor, I have had several visits from the State Military people. This is all the dirt I have on them so far."

The homunculi helped themselves to the files.

"Armstrong takes steroids! I knew it!" Pride declared.

"Fury's a violent drunk? Interesting . . ." Lust said.

"Havoc takes ballet? Creepy." Greed threw Havoc's file aside and took another one. "Ross shops at Ross! How cheap is that?"

Gluttony tried to be part of the moment, but he's illiterate and would probably want to eat the files if he grabs them. So he went to some strangers' table and ate their food.

"Hey, Envy. Isn't homecoming today?" Wrath asked.

"Oh, yeah! I need to get nene's date ready!" Envy stood up from the table and began to leave the restaurant. "You guys should go to homecoming, too! It's a good chance to screw with the State Military!"

Aztec Goddess: Um . . . Hm . . . I have nothing to write here. I named my baby bunny Chicharrón which means pork skin. Bless his/her soul!

To Hoshi Akarui: Yeah, triste means sad, but you wouldn't usually use it by itself. I'm kinda feeling bad for Ed now . . . nah.

To arynna (ch 4): Eep! You scared me when I read "stupid" . . . but then again, even I think that's what it is. I never have a clue on how the next chapter will turn out like!

To arynna (ch 5): (trips over goldfish crackers) Who left the crackers here! Ed: That's what you get for making my life so crappy in this story! HAHAHA! Sweet revenge! Me: . . . Roy's right. You're so immature. Ed: I am not! (runs to his room crying)

To Paola: Chompipe! Guajolote! Pavo! Man, I love turkeys. Well, you know Gallegos already. Spanish 4 will be easy for you 'cause you speak all proper and stuff. The blood was on the windowsill. I saw it with my own eyes.

To Iwin Ulose: This is the formal iamdeath, right? Hope you liked this chapter! It's sometimes hard to stay funny all the time and stick to the "storyline." I'm still trying to figure it out.

To Cosmicmoon: Yeah, it's awkward because I haven't gotten the flow for it yet. But it's amusing, right? That's my main goal.

To sexylucifer: Nope, I'm probably not going to soccer camp. Phlug said I can't fix my schedule 'til August. Man, what if I can't stay in IB or MYP or in all that other crap? Hm, oh, well. I'll figure it out when school starts again.

To thulite; It's spelled "psychotic." And . . . I write whatever comes to mind with only a vague idea of what's gonna happen next, so there's sometimes some OOC. I think that answers all your other questions.

To Angel-of-Music1331: Good luck with getting a cool teacher! What I noticed in language classes is: it could either be really fun or a pain in the ass. It all depends on the teacher.

To maria: It's with a Z? Really? Man, I feel pregnant now. Anyway, I hate that song too, but I had it stuck in my head, and I thought writing it would make me forget about it. It didn't work. Damn gasoline!

To Everto Angelus (ch 2): It's okay. You don't have to unless you really want to.

To Everto Angelus (ch 3): I know! He's completely out of his mind!

To Everto Angelus (ch 4): Wow, thank you! That was really enlightening!

To Everto Angelus (ch 5): Magic hands, eh? Too bad that won't help Ed in learning Spanish. Can you guess who's really gonna help him? Ed: No, don't tell me! It can't be . . . (goes back to room to cry some more)