Aztec Goddess: So, do you people have a clue on who Ed's date is gonna be? Take the time to make a guess . . . Done? Okay. Now read to see if you're right!

Homecoming

It was half an hour 'til homecoming. Ed was dressed up in his casual clothes 'cause, well, the homecoming theme in Kelly High is always Casual. The dance was being held in an outdoor Swap Meet, which is a step up from last year's, which was in a 99 cents store. It's not that the school is cheap; they just don't like spending too much effort on stuff like that.

Ed nervously paced back and fourth inside his new apartment waiting for his date. Al, having nothing better to do, just stared at his brother. "Hey, brother?" Al asked after a couple of minutes. "Did Envy give you any clue on who your date is going to be?"

"Nope, none," Ed replied. Then someone knocked on the door. Ed crossed his fingers, mumbled, "Please be a hot girl!" then opened the door.

Ed's crappy luck seemed to have changed. It was a hot girl! Her long black hair folded into perfect curls in the end. She had the perfect amount of makeup; not too little that it doesn't make a difference, and not too much that she'll look like a clown. She wore a stylish jeans jacket with a matching skirt and a sparkly red blouse. Ed was dumbstruck at first. Wow, Envy really came through! he thought.

Then Ed and Al took a good look at this mysterious woman's face, and yelled in unison, "HOLY CRAP! SENSEI!"

"Since when do you cuss, Al?" Izumi asked.

"Um, you probably don't want to know," Al replied.

"W – wait a minute!" Ed stuttered. "Y – you're my . . . my . . .?"

"Date," Izumi finished, a little disgusted with herself. "I owed Envy a favor, so, yeah."

"What kind of favor?" Al asked.

" . . . He fixed my easy bake oven – shut up!" Izumi glared at the Elric brothers, daring them to laugh. But they didn't because they enjoy having every body part in the right place.

"Are you being serious?" Ed asked Izumi. "About being my date, I mean."

Izumi sighed. "Yes. Envy told me to show you a good time – don't look at me like that, you pervert!" Izumi roughly grabbed Ed's hand and they left the apartment. "But we're going to a Swap Meet, right? Things shouldn't be so bad then."

Ed had no clue what to think. Should he kill Envy, or thank him for making his sensei act all nice? Hopefully, the rest of the day won't be as awkward as he expects it to be.

Flashback . . .

The day after Envy said he had the perfect date for Ed, he called up Izumi. "Hey, lady! Remember the time I fixed your kiddie oven thing?"

"It's an easy bake oven!" Izumi corrected him.

"Yeah, that's nice. Anyway, you're going to pay me back now."

"What do you have in mind?"

"You're going to keep nene busy at homecoming next week, okay?"

"Huh? Nene? Since when do you have a baby?"

Envy rolled his eyes. "Edward Elric," he said a bit awkwardly since he never says that name.

"WHAT! You're out of your freakin' mind!"

"And yet I'm accomplishing so much," Envy mused. "Listen, you're going to be his date, okay? 'Cause you don't wanna know what I'll do to all your other mini kitchen appliances!"

"Why can't you be his date! You can change into some random girl, can't you?"

"I already have plans on homecoming night. And I need someone to keep nene distracted, comprende?"

"Don't you think you told me a little too much already?"

"Nah. There's nothing you can do to ruin my plans anyway." Then Envy hung up.

End flashback . . .

Envy was running late. He ran to the Swap Meet as fast as, um, homunculy possible. "Damn! Why'd it have to take so long to make that one lady look pretty!" He growled. Yeah, Envy was the one who provided Izumi with the new wardrobe and makeup. But if everything goes as plan, it would all be worth it.

Envy made it to the food court only a few minutes before homecoming officially started. Only a few students, the other homunculi and the mariachis were there. Yes, mariachis. They were the only source of music Kelly High could find that would work in a Swap Meet. The other homunculi were socializing with them until they saw Envy.

"You almost came late," Lust said to Envy.

"Yeah, whatever," Envy replied. "So, did you spike the drinks already?"

"Yeah!" Wrath replied. "We even spiced up the food to make sure they'll drink a lot! But, how many StateMilitary peopleare you expecting to come here?"

Envy shrugged. "Let's wait and see."

Meanwhile . . .

Ed and Izumi were wandering around the Swap Meet, looking at all the little trinkets they'll never buy. It's so mean when people give salesmen false hope when they look at an expensive item for a long time for no reason. That's what Ed was doing.

Ed was staring at a beautiful green and red bird inside a golden cage. It was half a million dollars. "So, are you interested in buying this quetzal?" the salesman asked Ed. "It came straight from the jungles of Guatemala!"

"Guatemala?" Ed repeated, utterly confused. "I'm sorry, but I'm an atheist. So if you're trying to sell me a holy spirit-"

"Ed, shut up already," Izumi demanded. "You're making us both look stupid."

"What's so stupid about what I said?" Ed asked, really offended.

"Guatemala is a country! Don't you remember going there in another fanfic?"

Ed quirked an eyebrow at his sensei. "No . . . what are you talking about?"

"Never mind. Let's go buy a churro, or something."

Ed had no clue what a churro was. He panicked. He didn't learn that in Spanish class yet!

"Ed, quit standing around! I'm hungry!" Izumi led Ed to a food cart, where they purchased two churros.

Ed was fascinated. A stylish stick of bread covered in sugar and cinnamon! What a wondrous invention! He would have never thought that such a thing could be possible. And it tasted so good! "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Who invented this thing?"

Izumi laughed, quite amused by Ed's reaction. "You don't know much about Spanish-speaking countries, do you?" Ed shook his head as he engulfed another churro. "Then it's time for you to become enlightened!"

Izumi led Ed around the Swap Meet and Ed learned stuff like: how to make tortillas and how to eat tamales the right way. That was another thing that fascinated Ed. "And all this time I've only been eating the corn husk!" he said.

Ed wanted to learn more about the type of food that was once basically unknown to him. "How did you learn about all of this?" Ed asked Izumi as they ate sitting on a bench. And so Izumi told Ed about the time she took a public bus. They completely forgot about homecoming.

Meanwhile . . .

Everything was going as planned. Nearly all the StateMilitary peoplewere present, and they were drinking their asses off. The mariachis decided to start playing, and since they start by screaming all funny, they scared the crap out of the drunken State Military.

Havoc jumped on top of the table, thinking that he sat on a cat. Fury got pissed and started cussing out Havoc for ruining his perfect view of a vending machine. Ross got scared and hid under the table. Brosh got confused, thinking that Ross disappeared into thin air. He turned to Armstrong for help, but Armstrong was too busy watching a rollie pollie climb up the table.

All the other students didn't get drunk because the homunculi were crowding the food, and that intimidated them. So instead of eating, they did something quite unusual at a school dance: they actually danced. What is this world coming to?

Then Hawkeye came with an extremely pissed off look on her face. She sat down at the table where all the other StateMilitary peoplewere and tried to ask them where Roy was, but they didn't seem to hear her. Envy strolled by next to her and asked her, as if he cared, "Date ditched you?"

"Shut up," was Hawkeye's response.

"Wanna cool off?" Envy shoved a cup of "soda" in front of Hawkeye's face. She took it and chugged it. Envy had a couple more drinks at the ready, which Hawkeye accepted without question. Then Envy went to Fury and whispered to him, "Armstrong thinks you're gay!" The other homunculi got their cameras out at the ready.

"QUIT TALKING CRAP ABOUT MRS. HUGHES!" Fury yelled at Armstrong, who was only trying to help the little rollie pollie to the top of the table. "SHE'S A NICE LADY! SHE'S THE ONE WHO OPENED THE DOOR WHEN I WENT TO SEE THE GUY HUGHES!" Fury threw a punch at Armstrong, and missed by a mile. He hit Havoc instead.

Ross jumped out from under the table and yelled, "QUIT TOUCHING MY DATE!"

"Hey, I thought I was your date!" Brosh began to cry.

Ross gave Brosh an odd drunk look. "Who the hell are you? Hey, you're probably one of those cre-ahh? K-k . . ." Ross had a hard time saying "created." So instead she finished, "Homunculi! Hawkeye, lemme borrow your gun!" she said to Havoc.

"I have human eyes!" Havoc giggled.

"Oh, sorry. Hey, you look like someone I know!"

"CAN'T YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?" Fury screeched. He jacked Hawkeye's gun. She was too busy drinking to notice, even though Fury, like, put his hand in her pocket and stuff. He pointed the gun (the wrong way) to the other State Military people. "Don't think I don't know how to use whatever the hell this is!"

All the while, the other homunculi were taking pictures as evidence of alcohol and weapon abuse to use against the State Military. "Take the gun away from them," Lust ordered Envy. "We can't ruin their lives if they die."

"Wait, just a little longer!" Envy whined. "I wanna know what they'll say next!"

Aztec Goddess: There are gonna be some expulsions in the next chapter. Who will make it out to see another school day? And will the other students ever notice the drunken State Military? Man, I don't give people from Kelly High much credit. Oh, well.

To Everto Angelus: To tell the truth, I've never seen a full episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. But I think they're all funny, and something in this story just reminded me of them, so I put them here.

To Angel-of-Music1331: Man, this took three days to write. I feel like I'm getting slower, especially since I'm taking Computer Literacy now. The teacher doesn't seem so nice. I hope my entire summer doesn't turn out crappy because of that.

To sexylucifer: I'll try to stay in all that! But that means I'll have to work my ass off next year! At least I decided to make fanfiction my MYP project. That should be fun, right?

To arynna: Ah! My arm's numb from the poking! I'll try not to take so long next time.

To Paola: I already figured out whom Ed's date was, so, yeah. Remember man, Ed and Envy are practically related, so it's okay to call him nene. Hm, how 'bout "nena?" Wait, that's my aunt's name. (weird image comes to mind)