Aztec Goddess: Sorry for the delay! I'll try to update again tomorrow if I'm fast enough. And has anyone heard of Married with Children? If not, then never mind.
The Master Plan
"What the hell is this?" Envy asked in disgust as he examined Ed's "mini theater." They were in Ed's apartment room. Winry was still glued to the couch because some idiot decided to run an all day Oprah marathon . . . on every single channel! The horror! Anyway, Wrath was bouncing happily on Ed's bed as Envy chucked Ed's project out the window. They heard a violent car crash outside.
"Envy! You could have killed someone!" Ed yelled.
Wrath ran to the window to see what happened. He started giggling. "Look! That dancing man is on fire!" Wrath laughed and clapped his hands in glee.
"That was probably just a coincidence," Envy replied. Then he grabbed an empty shoebox from the closet. "Anyway, we need to start on your project from scratch. . . Just use alchemy and get it over with, nene."
"But I don't like feeling like I've cheated!" Ed whined.
"Don't you think you have more important things to worry about?"
Ed thought for a while, but his mind was pretty much blank. "Um, I can't get the philosopher's stone until the end of the year," he explained. "I need to graduate first."
"I see . . . But seriously, have you forgotten about the Spanish exam tomorrow?"
Ed let out a girlish yelp. "No way! When'd the teacher mention that? Wait, what's the Spanish word for exam?"
"Examen."
"But then what's parking lot?"
"Estacionamiento."
"Damn," Ed murmured to himself. "I always get those two mixed up."
Envy covered his face with his hand. "Don't tell me you've been studying the school's parking lots."
Ed scratched his head in embarrassment. "Um, only the faculty's parking lot . . . There are sixty spaces. They're all six feet apart except for two which are about an inch off. Weeds grow between - AH!" Envy aimed the shoebox at Ed's face, which he narrowly dodged. It now laid on the floor al crumpled up.
"Fix up your Theater project so we can get started on Spanish," Envy demanded. "You can't expect to graduate if you fail that class."
So Ed clapped his hands and made a decent-looking mini theater out of the shoebox. "But I don't need to worry about Spanish anymore!" He declared triumphantly. He dived under his bed and pulled out a box full of beer. "See? I'm smart, aren't I?"
"But I got expelled just by having a hangover!" Wrath said. "You can't go to school drunk!"
"Y'know, you were violently attacking the chalkboards for squeaking that day," Envy added. "That probably has more to do with your expulsion."
"Oh, really?" Wrath asked, trying to remember that day.
"Yeah," Ed replied. "Anyway, you guys don't have to worry about me getting expelled! This plan is foolproof!" Ed pointed to the beer. "See? It's Corona, Mexican beer! That's to ensure that I'll speak Spanish when I'm drunk!" (Aztec Goddess: Don't own Corona. It only tastes good with salt and lemon!)
"But how's that gonna help with you not getting expelled?" Envy asked.
"It won't. . . But you can!"
" . . . Huh?"
"I'm planning on getting drunk right before third period. So I'll still have to make it all the way through seventh while drunk. But if you go along with everything I do, it won't look like I'm drunk, and I'll make it through the day! Heh, good thing tomorrow's Friday!"
Envy shrugged. "Okay. Sounds easy."
The next day, the passing period before Spanish class . . .
Ed and Envy raced to the nearest bathroom right after second period. They locked themselves in the handicap stall since it's so spacious and homey. Ed started chugging a beer bottle right away. Envy had to be there because, well, Ed was gonna drink a six pack in seven minutes. He could black out and stuff.
Unbeknownst to Ed and Envy, an unlucky guy came into that bathroom just to wash his hands. He got a lot of bad images instead due to listening to Ed and Envy's conversation.
"Go faster!" Envy was saying.
Ed had just finished his fifth bottle. He gasped for air and chocked a little since he tried to breath and drink at the same time. "I can't – wait! Damn, I'm getting wet." Ed fell on his ass due to drunkenness.
Envy sighed and opened the fifth bottle for Ed. "Open your mouth. I'll put it in for you." So Envy helped Ed chug the last bottle since Ed was already having trouble holding stuff. "Almost there . . ."
Ed came out of the bathroom stall panting and leaning on Envy for support. They casually walked out of the bathroom. That one unlucky guy was still there with a hand outstretched to a faucet, but he was completely frozen in place the entire time.
Envy helped Ed to his seat and sprayed himself and Ed with Axe so they wouldn't smell like beer. Lust turned to them and asked, "What happed to Ed?" Ed was hugging his desk and whispering beautiful words to it.
"Um, he studied too hard for the exam," Envy replied.
"Oh, I see." Then Lust handed a folded piece of paper to Envy. "This is the plan for Mardi Gras. Ed might need to see this, too."
Envy opened up the paper and glanced through it. "Wow, that's a little more elaborate than usual, don't you think?"
"Ed still needs to fulfill his promise of getting rid of Roy. Desperate means call for desperate measures."
Alvarez then told his class to shut up, then handed out the exam: as thick as a novel, as usual. But this time, Ed breezed right through it, as expected. He understood every word, knew all the right answers, so the only problem he had was completely filling in the bubbles on the scantron.
"Ya está!" Ed cheered when he finished the test twenty minutes earlier than everyone else. He ran up to the teacher, test and scantron in hand, and gave him a big hug. Then Ed skipped back to his desk and took a nap.
Translation: "It's done!" (I think it's improper, though.)
"Um, are you feeling okay, Elric?" Alvarez asked, all disturbed because a guy hugged him.
"Don't mind him!" Envy answered for Ed. "He's um, a big Oprah fan!" That response made Alvarez shudder, but then he went back to grading papers and stuff.
Envy had to show Ed the way to fourth period. When they got to class, Ed refused to sit on the desk because his chair was a slightly lighter hue than all the other chairs in the room. So Ed sat on the floor.
The teacher, Boullon, had an important announcement to make. "This will be my last day as a teacher this year," she said. "I'm going on maternity leave."
"Wow," Ed sounded amazed. "And all this time, I thought you were just getting fatter." The class grew dead silent and Boullon had a murderous look on her face.
"Don't mind him," Envy defended Ed. "He's um . . . anorexic?"
"Oh!" Boullon gasped. She patted Ed on the head. "You poor thing! It's so brave of you to even show up at school!"
When that class ended, Ed ran out of the room ahead of Envy. He began to run around the campus while butchering a Selena song while Envy chased him down. (Aztec Goddess: Don't own Selena or any of her songs.)
"Amor prohibido murmuran por las calles!" Ed screamed rather than sang. "Porque somos de distintas sociedades!" Ed started doing the waltz with his backpack in front of all the people in the cafeteria trying to eat.
Translation: "Prohibited love murmurs through the streets!" "Because we're from different societies!"
Envy tackled Ed. "Shut up, nene!" When he noticed that everyone was staring at them, he said, "Um, we're practicing for Theater." Everyone said stuff like Oh! Okay! Wow! Awesome! They clapped for Ed and Envy, then resumed eating.
Ed had calmed down a little by the end of lunch, so nothing too hectic happened after that. He only refused to speak to his Psychology and Business teachers, one for being too tall, and the other for speaking too loudly. But he was utterly tired in Theater.
Envy had to turn in Ed's project for him because Ed had fallen asleep. He was on the floor, stomach exposed, and drooling.
"Um, like, what's wrong with Ed?" Hoganson asked.
"He's having a drool day," Envy replied.
" . . . Excuse me?"
"It's one of those days when you can't do anything but drool." Envy sounded all scientific when he said that.
"Oh! Hey, I had a drool day last week! Well, let's like hope that Ed doesn't have a drool day on the last assembly day!"
Envy wasn't able to wake Ed up when school ended, so he had to carry him back home. Winry was having the time of her life watching Oprah get her ears pierced. Poor Wrath had spent the day picking up all the empty boxes of bonbons Winry had thrown around. So he was ecstatic when he saw his "parents" come home.
"Yay! We can play now!" Wrath squealed. He hugged Envy. " . . . Wait, why's Mommy sleeping?"
"Um, because nene wants to play a certain game," Envy replied as he went into Ed's bedroom and dropped him onto the bed. "There's only one rule: keep an eye on him until he starts having body spasms. Then you'll have to wake him up, okay?"
Wrath pouted. "That doesn't sound like a fun game!"
"Too bad." Then Envy took out the paper Lust gave him earlier. He read it carefully, then took out a pencil and made some marks. He handed it to Wrath. "If nene successfully wakes up, give this to him." Envy started to leave the room.
"Where are you going?" Wrath asked.
"I need to buy stuff," Envy replied. Wrath looked really sad. Envy sighed. "We'll go out and buy you stuff tomorrow, okay?" Wrath's face lit up and he nodded. Then Envy left the apartment to buy the stuff needed for Lust's plan.
In the evening, at the homunculi's apartment room . . .
Lust was flipping through the channels in hopes that one station didn't have Oprah's face on it. Pride was on the kitchen table doing his homework. Gluttony had just come home from Winis to declare that Greed was promoted to manager and he moved into some random girl's house.
"That bastard just wanted to ditch us," Lust hissed.
"But he's useless to us anyway," Pride said. "It wasn't like he was going to help us pay our taxes in the first place."
"Yeah, I suppose . . ."
Then Sloth barged into the room looking completely horrified. She was shaking all over.
"What happened?"
"The – the . . ." Sloth couldn't even say it. She slowly walked into the middle of the room. The hand that was carrying her suitcase turned to water. The suitcase fell to the floor and opened right up. Papers scattered everywhere. Sloth's gaze fell on one of the papers. The other homunculi decided to look at it as well.
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Lust, Gluttony, and Pride cried in unison as they ran around the room in a fit of freaked-out-ness. Sloth fell to her knees in front of that paper and was trying to think rationally about the situation.
Then Envy came home carrying a bunch of black bags. "Hey, I got all – what's going on?" Envy walked up to Sloth since she was the only one not running around and screaming like a lunatic.
"The – the . . ." Sloth began again. She pointed to the paper in front of her.
Envy put his bags down and picked up the paper. "What's this? . . . A form for subs-"
Envy gasped and dropped the paper. "No freakin' way! Why now?"
"It . . . gets worse," Sloth said. She mumbled something almost inaudible. (She knows we live here.)
"Shit. Then I'm not staying here!" Envy left the room and went next door.
The next day . . .
"Yay! Now I can see Daddy every day at my house!" Wrath cheered as he skipped around the toy shop Envy brought him to. He stopped in front of a stuffed bunny. "But what happened that made you move?"
"Something, or rather someone came up," Envy replied. "I dunno if I should even go back to school."
"That's better! Then I won't have to be all alone with the scary Oprah lady on school days!" Wrath pointed to the stuffed bunny. "I want that one."
"Don't you already have that?"
Wrath picked up the stuffed bunny and pointed to the pink bow on its ear. "I don't have a girl bunny! You don't want Mr. Bunny to be alone forever, do you?"
Envy just blinked a lot, resisting the urge to hug Wrath and tell him how adorable he is in front of so many people. " . . . Is that all you want?"
Wrath nodded. He hugged the stuffed bunny close. "Yeah, this and a happy family!"
"GAH! Damn you!" Envy couldn't resist the urge anymore.
Monday, first period . . .
Ed stared at the empty seat next to him, then realized something. "Hey, wait! I saw Envy come to school today! Where'd he go?" Ed threw a crumpled piece of paper at Russell. "Did you hear me?"
"What?" Russell hissed. "I'm over Envy, so leave me alone, Lalo!"
Ed looked confused. That name rang a bell . . . oh, yeah. It's his Spanish name. "Since when do you call me that?"
"Since I realized it matches your height."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE USES A MUSHROOM AS AN UMBRELLA?"
"Um, I didn't say that, but it's nice to know what to give you when it rains," Russell replied smugly. Ouch. Ed got burned.
Speaking of burning, which makes you think about fire, the Flame Alchemist decided to give Ed crap that day, too. Ed fell flat on his face in the beginning of second period due to Roy's well-placed foot.
"What was that for?" Ed yelled as he picked himself up.
"I'm in a good mood today," Roy replied. "Just wondering, Ed . . . how many girlfriends have you had this year? Oh, and Envy doesn't count."
"None of your business, pervert," Ed hissed.
"I can make it my business since you shouldn't be hanging around the homunculi in the first place."
This conversation reminded Ed of the paper Wrath gave him when he regained consciousness the other day. "The homunculi aren't so bad. They only wanna get rid of you!" With that said, Ed marched to his desk.
The seat next to him was empty again. This doesn't make sense, Ed thought. Okay, maybe I didn't literally see him go to school, but Wrath said he left early. Ed rubbed his neck. Damn, he didn't have to throw me off the bed if he wanted to sleep on it. . . . What made him decide to move anyway?
That question was answered in fourth period. Boullon was replaced with Dante. "Hello class," she said, sounding as nice as usual. "I will be your English teacher for the rest of the school year. Call me Ms. Dante."
After class, Ed asked Dante, "What are you doing here?"
"That doesn't sound very nice," Dante replied as she looked through some papers on her desk. "I'm merely here to check up on them. But it seems like they're avoiding me. I found their apartment number, but no one was there when I went. And I haven't seen any of them on school campus today."
"Oh, so you have nothing to do with Envy disappearing?"
Dante sighed happily. "It's nice that this is a uniform school. Some people simply don't know how to dress."
Ed figured that he shouldn't get involved, so he just left for lunch. The homunculi aren't really disappearing, right? But I didn't see Lust or Pride in third period . . . This can't be right. What about the paper? They were planning a lot of things for next month.
Aztec Goddess: Hope this isn't too confusing. Things will be cleared up in the next chapter. Wow, this was like chapter eighteen! That sounds like a lot when you think about it!
To Lolafreak: I've survived through an entire episode of Oprah! But I was on the internet while watching it, so, yeah. I dunno why I decided to put Oprah in this story. Tis a mystery I'll never figure out . . .
To Lil-Kudo: I'm sure Ed figured it out sooner or later, but I don't think guys like to really think about stuff like that. This makes me realize something: Winry was so perverted in that part!
To Iwin Ulose: I guess George Lopez is only popular in the west coast or something then 'cause he's on Comedy Central a lot and he has his own series on, um, ABC, I think. Anyway, I finally finished watching all my DVDs! Man, there are still some unanswered questions. I guess I'll have to get my hands on the movie then.
To nadisrad: I know! Not even I can draw circles like that! And I wouldn't know what to do if I had ownership of bonbons. That's too much power to handle!
To nonesofar: Dude, I love milk, so like cheese, too! And flying bison can still be milked 'cause they're mammals! Anyway, my friend Paola would like you to read her review to see what you'll think.
To Paola (ch 17): Wow, that says a lot.
To Paola (ch 16): That was beautiful! I love the way haskhsaks dla and Ed had a romantic stroll along the seashore. But then that bitch Elena had to come along and ruin their plans for a wedding! I was so happy when haskhsaks dla killed Elena in the end!
To Ghostlyfire: Really? It's mostly Asians here? I looked at some of my reviewer's sites and I've haven't seen an Asian so far. Anyway, how'd you know that I was gonna get Ed drunk for Spanish? Get out of my mind! AH! (runs into a wall)
To sexylucifer (ch 13): Yep, just 'cause I love George Lopez. Y'know, I haven't eaten a marshmallow in a long time.
To sexylucifer (ch 14): I dunno. I've gotta try it.
To sexylucifer (ch 15): Tis so shiny! You must obey the all powerful aluminum foil!
To sexylucifer (ch 16): So, have you updated yet? Lemme check . . .
To sexylucifer (ch 17): Yeah, the life of a shoe salesman is pretty damn sucky.
To demonik: Yeah, it would have been censored. If you want a clue, think manhood. Anyway, maybe learning Spanish by drinking is a type of drunkenness like happy drunk, violent drunk; why not have a Spanish drunk?
To Everto Angelus (ch 16): Really? Were you able to speak a little Spanish at that time?
To Everto Angelus (ch 17): Heh, the word snorted reminds me of the word snorkel. What silly words!
To Nayru: I usually update really soon all the time, but things have been coming up. Thanks for reading! Hope you become a loyal R & R-er!
To Angel-of-Music1331: Yep, that's exactly what I had in mind in the first place. But I dunno how smart that was. At least he raised his grade in Spanish class.