Aztec Goddess: Sorry for taking so long again! It's just that, man, the longer a story gets, the harder it is to write . . .
Mardi Gras
Lust, Pride, Gluttony, and Sloth ditched the apartment and invited themselves to live with Greed and one of his girlfriends. This is so they could prolong their fate of meeting with Dante.
"Guys! What the hell?" Greed yelled at his fellow homunculi when he noticed that they were hanging out in his girlfriend's living room. Oh, and he was only wearing a bath robe. And it's like the middle of the day.
"We're almost like a family!" Sloth replied. "Nothing any of us does can keep us apart forever!"
Greed looked around the room. "Then where's the palm tree and the crybaby?"
". . . They don't count," Lust replied.
"Yeah, because they have bigger roles in this story than us," Pride added.
Gluttony was busy eating a table.
Meanwhile, at Kelly High . . .
Ed searched high and low for any trace of the homunculi in the cafeteria, but to no avail. He saw a glimpse of Russell with his new girlfriend once (just some random girl). Then he unknowingly walked close to the table Roy sat at. He was talking to a beautiful exotic woman with flowing black hair, dark skin, and bright green eyes.
"Where'd you buy her?" Ed retorted.
"Her name's Naomi and I didn't buy her, so go away Havoc-grabber," Roy snapped back.
Ed looked stunned by that remark. "What the hell is that suppose to mean?" he asked.
Naomi grabbed Roy's arm and started pulling him away. "Let's go, Roy. I don't feel comfortable around midgets."
Ed could only stand there in pissed-off-ness as the couple walked away. "Damn, why does he get a girlfriend?" Ed growled under his breath. "And why does she have to be so damn hot?"
The rest of the school day wasn't very enjoyable for Ed. After so long, he and Envy were finally getting along, and Envy had to disappear like that. It sucked. Then Ed started worrying about Wrath. Oh, no! What if my poor Wrath has disappeared, too? I'll never see his sweet face again! And I've never even told him that I love him! . . . Wait, why am I thinking like this?
Whether Ed would like to admit it or not, he would miss Wrath like crazy. I mean, wouldn't you? So Ed worried and worried until he came home and found the bundle of cuteness sound asleep on the living room couch. The TV was off. Winry was unconscious on the floor and it seemed like she had a bump on her head where possibly the remote control hit her.
"Aw, Wrath!" Ed squealed. "You're the only one who can still look cute even after committing an act of violence!" He hugged the sleeping Wrath.
Wrath woke up a bit startled. "I didn't do anything!" he began. "The Oprah lady was on the floor when I got here!"
"That doesn't matter!" Ed said. "I'm just happy you didn't disappear like the others!"
"Disappear?" Wrath sounded devastated. "You mean my daddy and my other mommy and my fat cousin and my lazy eyed uncle and my slutty sister and my pimptastic brother are gone?"
Ed counted the list of people on his fingers. Yeah, they sounded like the other six homunculi. "Wait a minute! Slutty and pimptastic? Where'd you learn that kind of language, young man?" Ed scolded Wrath.
"I heard it from them," Wrath replied. "But why would they disappear and just leave me here all oblivious? They don't like me!" Wrath began to cry.
"What are you talking about?" Envy sleepily came out of Ed's – well now his bedroom.
"Daddy!" Wrath ran up Envy. "Mommy was trying to scare me by saying that you and the others disappeared! Go hit him!" (Aztec Goddess: Yeah, I know. Wrath calls Ed his mommy but still refers to him as a guy.)
"Disappeared?" Envy repeated. "What made you think that, nene?"
"Well, maybe because you and the other homunculi weren't at school today," Ed replied.
"I was thinking of going, but then I just ended up buying some breakfast, then came back here."
"Then we went to the movies!" Wrath said. "Then to the Swap Meet, and then we ate there, and then we came back here and that's when I hit the – I mean fell asleep on the couch!"
"Okay . . ." Ed said. "But why'd all the homunculi ditch today?"
"Yeah, where are they?" Wrath asked Envy.
"They're freeloading off one of Greed's girlfriends," Envy replied.
"Why?"
"Because she's at school now."
"You mean Dante?" Ed asked.
Wrath gasped dramatically. "That crazy lady that wants nothing less that the philosopher's stone?" He sounded utterly terrified. "Does she expect us to have it right now?"
"Probably," Envy replied. "But I don't wanna see her right now. We had an . . . argument the last time we talked."
"Something about your clothes?" Ed guessed, remembering what Dante said about some people not knowing how to dress.
Envy threw a conveniently located rock at Ed. "None of your business! The only thing you need to worry about is how we're gonna get away with what we're gonna do in Mardi Gras!"
A couple days later . . .
It's awkward when a bunch of people only your boyfriend knows decides to live in your house. While Greed and Gluttony were out working, Greed's girlfriend tried to break the ice between herself and the three other homunculi. They sat around in the living room.
"So . . . any relation to Greed?" the girlfriend asked Lust, Pride, and Sloth.
"No," they replied.
"Then you guys are just friends?"
The homunculi made a so-so gesture with one of their hands. " . . . Meh."
Now the girlfriend didn't know what to think. "Then, like, what the hell are you doing on my property?"
That question was answered when a stranger barged into the house. Well, she's not really a stranger to the homunculi: Dante!
"Oh, dear God!" the homunculi screeched as they hid behind Greed's girlfriend.
"Don't tell me you're gonna start living here, too," the girlfriend groaned.
"Heavens no!" Dante replied. "Why would I want to live around so many people? I'm here to yell at the homunculi! So, HOW DARE YOU ALL TRY TO AVOID ME?" The homunculi flinched.
"We're high school students now!" Pride whined.
"Exactly. We have too much work to do anyway!" Lust added.
Sloth thought for a moment. "Damn, I've been missing work . . ."
Dante looked disappointed. "Don't think I don't know that you all are disobeying orders," she replied. "Getting Ed to create the philosopher's stone should come before breaking apart the military. You all need to learn how to prioritize! Now, where are the others?"
"Greed and Gluttony are working at Winis," Pride answered.
Dante lowered her eyelids at Pride. "Cut the crap."
"No, he's being serious," Lust and Sloth said. The girlfriend nodded in agreement.
" . . . Do I even want to know where Envy and Wrath are?"
Lust shrugged. "They're most likely with the Elric brothers. That's next door to where we were staying before."
"Oh, okay then," Dante began to leave. "I expect to see you all back in school tomorrow and I want a full analysis on this principal I've been hearing so much about." Then she left and headed to Ed's apartment room.
The homunculi sighed of relief. Dante wasn't as pissed as they expected her to be. "Well, now that that's over," Lust said as she pulled out the black bags Envy brought to them the other night, "let's go over our latest plan."
" . . .What do you have in the bags?" the girlfriend asked, a little scared.
"Thank you for asking!" Lust replied. She opened one of the bags to show the girlfriend its contents.
The girlfriend gasped dramatically. "Oh, my God! Who are you people? Don't you know that stuff like that is illegal?" She looked like she was about to faint.
Fourth period, the day before Mardi Gras . . .
"Now you all know that Mardi Gras promotes the use of drugs and alcohol," Dante was telling her class, "which is why celebrating it is strictly prohibited in Central. I would advise you to leave for the weekend, but the school wouldn't like that."
"Really? Mardi Gras' like illegal here?" Ed whispered to Envy.
"That's why it should be easy to-" Envy whispered back, but was interrupted by Dante.
"Would you like to share something with the class, Envy?" Dante asked.
Envy didn't respond. He only glared at the old lady. Dante ordered him to stay after class. Alone.
Dante felt like being a smart ass, so she started the conversation in a sweet voice, "It's nice to see you wearing pants, Envy."
"What the hell do you want now?" Envy spat.
"I need to make sure you're doing your job. So, how hard have you tried to get the philosopher's stone in the last seven months?"
Envy shrugged. "There are more important things to worry about right now." He began to leave the room and added sarcastically, "It's been a pleasure speaking to you again."
"So what happened?" Ed asked Envy during lunch.
Envy wasn't going to respond anyway, but Lust and Pride had come up to them. "They took our suggestion," Lust said proudly, motioning towards Roy and his girlfriend.
"And we got the other two to come, as well," Pride added.
Envy's face lit up. "Wow, how convenient!"
Ed didn't quite understand what they were saying. "What's all that mean?" he asked.
"If all goes well," Envy answered, "you'll be the only militarist on campus!" Wow, wouldn't that be sad if Ed and Hughes end up being the only two military peoples by the end of the year? Just think of how little would be done . . .
The next day (Saturday) . . .
Roy woke up early to get ready for his double date with Naomi; the other couple is Ross and Breda. How'd that happen? Not even I know.
Anyway, it seemed like a perfect plan since it's Mardi Gras so all the rowdy teens are far away. They were going to watch this one romantic movie Lust had suggested to them. Why'd they even listen to her? 'Cause they're dumb like that.
So Roy borrowed one of Hughes' cars again to pick up his date. Too bad Roy didn't know that Envy had reached Naomi earlier, had locked her in her closet, so now he's disguised as her. And so the plan had gone in motion.
Lust, Pride, and Sloth went to watch the movie too and sat at the far back, out of sight, to have control over things. Along with Envy, they had those certain items he bought that day. All they had to do was get them all over the militarist in the exact right moment . . .
Not too far from the theater, there's a Starbucks (duh). Ed bought some coffee there and placed the full cup near the entrance of the theater to lure the most essential part of the plan: cops. Once a cop was in sight, Ed would give the signal to everyone else by casually walking inside the theater.
So how difficult was this for Envy? It pained him to keep his body from cringing whenever Roy felt the need to play footsie, touch his leg, play with his hair, et cetera. So, yeah, Envy was in a LOT of pain.
"Are you feeling okay, Naomi?" Roy asked Envy, putting a hand on his knee.
IF HIS HAND GOES ANY HIGHER- Envy's mind screamed, but he made himself sound calm, "Yeah, I'm okay. It's just that all the previews before the movie bug me, I guess."
Breda and Ross were sitting nearby.
"Yeah, what's up with the previews?" Breda asked, sounding pissed.
"You need to learn to be patient," Ross said.
"You need to learn how to act on dates," Breda lowly mumbled.
WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER? Envy's head was screaming again. He kept on glancing at the entrance. WHERE THE HELL IS ED? GAH! HIS HAND-
Ed was having trouble finding a cop. He J-walked a couple of times while coming up with a better plan since the coffee thing was a complete failure. A light bulb appeared above his head as he realized another cop magnet: doughnuts! So Ed ran across the street to the local bakery, stole a box of doughnuts, broke a window for no reason, then lined up some doughnuts along the sidewalk in front of the theater.
Ed knew that the homunculi didn't want to wait long, so he was getting even more desperate for a cop. He stood in the middle of the busy street for a while. He wrote DON'T in front of STOP on some stop signs. He even took off his shirt and shoes and started walking in and out of the closest store. It was driving him crazy! No one seemed to notice all the illegal stuff he was doing!
Romantic movies are not Lust's and Sloth's cup of tea. They gagged each time a character said something fluffy like "I've seen the moon light up the sea, but I have yet to find something as beautiful as you," or "Why is it that without you, I have no reason to live?" Pride, on the other hand, was really getting into it. He was on the edge of is seat as the movie's music became all dramatic, meaning that one of the main characters was on the verge of death, or something stereotypical like that.
"We were asking too much of Ed," Lust sighed. "It must have been four hours already. The movie should be almost over . . ."
Sloth yawned. "It hasn't even been an hour."
Pride shushed them, "Women," he mumbled. "They don't know how to appreciate a good movie."
So, back with Ed. He was throwing rocks at passing cars and broke several windows but he was ready to cry. Even after cutting down street lights, he remained unnoticed, so there still weren't any cops around. He became beyond desperate, so he chose to use his ultimate resort: taking out one of the things Envy had bought earlier. According to Envy, this thing is so illegal, cops from all over the city will show up suddenly if someone reports it, and that's a definite thing.
Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out this shiny, colorful object that seems to be a necklace made out of beads. This object has many names, but it is most commonly known as The Mardi Gras Beads! Cars suddenly stopped and the pedestrians started running around in hysteria. As Envy predicted, hundreds of cops did come out of nowhere and immediately pinned Ed down to the ground.
"Everyone, remain calm!" the cops were screaming. Then one cop yelled at Ed, "Where the hell did you get something like that?"
"Um-" Ed was about to explain himself, but got hit by several batons.
"We said REMAIN CALM!" another cop shrieked. "NOW ANSWER THE GOD DAMNED QUESTION!"
"Some people gave it to me for free," Ed replied.
"WHERE? WHO?"
And so Ed led the way to the movie the others were watching.
Aztec Goddess: You know that an Expulsion chapter is coming up next, so, until next time!
To nadisrad: Smirnoff? Don't think I've ever heard of that. And I think ANYTHING can be made to sound perverted! It's actually quite easy. And as for your Spanish neighbor, if you hear words with the "ch" sound, he's saying "fuck" and things similar to that.
To Lil-Kudo: Dante's this one old lady who uses the homunculi to get the philosopher's stone. Um, hope this isn't a big spoiler to you. I'll try not to go into details in this story. But you probably need to know that she knows how to beat the homunculi. That's why they're so afraid of her in this story.
To Everto Angelus: Heh, that does sound cool! Lemme try to say it . . . piss-drunk! LOL! Glad you like the cutesy Wrath! Some people don't like OOC's . . .
To Angel-of-Music1331: I suppose his life is getting slightly better, but man, poor Ed. He has to go through so much crap in my stories before things turn out okay for him. But that's fun!
To MetalWing Alchemist: You don't have to say sorry, especially since fanfiction edits repetition. That sucks that some reviews aren't allowed to be as dramatic as they should. T.T
To Nayru: I tried drinking six drinks in five minutes. Tis fun to try, but impossible. This makes me wonder how Ed lasted all day without going potty. O.o
To Iwin Ulose: It isn't obvious? Al the shoe salesman! Anyway, I've got a cousin who's searching all the Japanese FMA sites for the movie right now. He only found a couple of short clips so far though. T.T Guess we'll all have to wait a bit longer . . .
To CowNapkin: Me too! Married with Children, along with Whose Line is it Anyway, was my inspiration to start writing funny stuff!
To nonesofar: There's no such thing as rotten milk 'cause it turns into yogurt! Ha! Milk is invincible!
To Ghostlyfire: Wow, I guess the saying's true: Great Mexicans think alike. Wait, me and my friend think alike, and she's Guatemalan. . . Hm, maybe I've just been to everyone's site except for all the Asians? All this makes me wonder how cow tongue tastes like . . .
To sexylucifer: Thanks! And, FINALLY! YOU"RE BACK!