Aztec Goddess: Wow, chapter twenty. Sounds like this is coming to an end soon . . . but I'm not exactly sure how to get there! (nervous laugh)
Expulsion 3
While Ed was having a craptastic day as usual, his brother Al couldn't be . . . happier! A fat lady hasn't stormed by his store in weeks, and all the shoe-loving perverts were rolling in! Okay, that may not sound like a good thing, but Al is a shoe salesman and he's selling shoes and that's all that matters to him. His armor is overflowing with money now and it finally felt like he was living the good life! Then Jean Havoc walked into his store.
Havoc only planned on buying a pair of shoes that day - a simple procedure he has done many times before, but just by looking at Al drove him into hysterics. "Oh, my God! You're –you're – you're related to him!" Havoc ran to a corner, took out an egg timer, put in on five minutes, then began to cry.
All the other customers looked at each other in confusion, then one by one, began to leave the store. Al got pissed. He walked right up to Havoc and kicked him. "What's the matter with you? You're scaring away all the customers!"
Havoc cried and cried and blurted out stuff like, "Why don't girls grab my ass?" "Why'd it have to be a guy?" "Why can't I stop smoking?" "Why am I so fat?" Then his five minutes were up, so he stood up and looked like he hasn't been crying at all. "Sorry, Al. It's just that I allow myself five minutes of unmanliness a day. So, what were you saying?"
"Um, I think it was something like what's the matter with you and you're scaring away all the customers."
"Oh . . ." Then Havoc exploded in a fit of anger. "HEY! Don't act like you don't know what happened! It's your freakin' brother's fault I have problems now!"
Of course Al didn't know what Havoc was talking about. "Huh? Something happened between you and my brother? . . . Wait, he . . . grabbed your ass?" Havoc hesitantly nodded. "Why are you making such a big deal out of it?"
"He . . . a guy touched me!"
"Geez, you don't have to say it like that!"
Suddenly, Havoc threw himself at Al and pleaded, "Please, help me find a girlfriend!"
Meanwhile, with the militarist and the homunculi that aren't expelled yet . . .
The movie was almost over – ten more horrendous minutes to go, according to Sloth. Lust had fallen asleep and Pride was still on the edge of his seat in anxiety. As for Ross and Breda – Breda was also asleep and Ross was on the verge of tears due to the sadness of the movie, I guess. And Roy was enjoying himself, therefore Envy . . .
I swear, I'm gonna kill whoever came up with the yawn and stretch crap, Envy told himself. He was pretty much scared stiff with Roy's arm around him and his head resting on Roy's shoulder. Oh, God, when will this end? Where the FUCK is Ed?
"Can we leave a little early, Naomi?" Roy asked Envy in a sweet voice.
"Huh?" Envy literally squeaked.
"You promised on our third date we'd go over to my house and-"
Envy suddenly sat straight up and gave Roy an odd look. He didn't mean to, it's just that, well, what would you do in this situation?
Meanwhile, outside of this theater room . . .
Ed was searching for the theater room the other were in as the cops ran around the anteroom like crazy, breaking stuff with their batons and shooting at flies. Yes, the Mardi Gras beads did make them quite jumpy.
"I'm sure you cops are always really busy," Ed said to the cops as he opened the door to the theater room, "so I don't wanna waste your time by making you run into the wrong room, so lemme just check if the people with the beads are in here before you guys, okay?"
The cops saw no problem in this, so they let Ed do whatever the hell he wanted to do. Ed silently crept into the room unnoticed. He quickly spotted Sloth, so he waved to her. Sloth waved back, then started nudging Lust to wake her up. Ed went back out of the room and told the cops, "Okay, they're in here, but try not to cause a huge uproar, okay."
"Dude, we're cops," a cop said. "We know how to handle cases like this."
"The possession of Mardi Gras beads?" Ed asked, almost to himself. "Whoa, this country's sad."
Then the cops trampled over Ed to get inside the room and started shooting in the air. A cop with a megaphone said, "Everyone in this room will be put under arrest until proven innocent of not possessing Mardi Gras beads!"
Most of the people watching the movie booed at the cops and started throwing half-eaten food at them. "We're trying to watch the ending!" they screamed.
The cops turned to the big movie screen. "Dude, this movie's the shiznite! Okay, we'll wait!" So the cops sat down in front of the screen and watched the end of the movie with everyone else.
During all this stupidity, Roy was beginning to understand that "Naomi" was a bit different today. "And . . . what . . .?" Envy asked, sounding a little disturbed.
"And, y'know . . ." Roy replied. "C'mon, I already paid for it the last time we went out, remember?"
Envy pursed his lips to keep from smiling. What a lovely gift of blackmail Roy has just given him! "I . . . I don't think we should be doing this," he made himself sound depressed. He searched through his – actually the real Naomi's – purse and pulled out what looked like a ton of money and jewelry. But it's hard to tell since it's dark in the theater. "Here's your money back. I'm leaving." Envy dumped the stuff he had just taken out on Roy's lap and left the theater. The cops didn't notice, of course.
Roy left right after Envy leaving all the money and the jewelry behind. He found Envy helping up the semiconscious Ed that has many shoe imprints all over him. "Can you walk on your own, nene?" Envy asked Ed.
". . . Nene?" Roy repeated. "Hey, you're not Naomi, you're, you're Ed's-"
"If you say lover, I'm gonna make it so you piss sitting down from this day on," Envy spat as he turned back to his usual form.
"Okay, whatever. I'm gonna leave now to look for the real Naomi." As Roy began to leave, Envy tackled him and knocked him to the floor. Since Ed lost his support, he fell down, too.
"I won't let you leave until you swear you'll drop out of high school!" Envy yelled as he held his fist up to sock Roy.
Roy quickly put his fingers in a snapping position in front of Envy. "You seriously want to challenge me? I swear I'll make you a drop out!"
And so Envy and Roy started a fight in the anteroom over an argument that made even the semiconscious Ed laugh. Within seconds, there wasn't much of the anteroom left thanks to Roy's fire alchemy that could never seem to hit Envy.
Back inside the theater room . . .
"Pride, quit watching that damned movie and help us!" Lust and Sloth whispered at him.
"Sh! Go without me!" Pride whispered back.
Lust and Sloth sighed, then shrugged. They supposed that they really didn't need Pride's help. They could sneak Mardi Gras beads onto Ross and Breda by themselves. They went to the seats behind the two oblivious militarists. It wasn't a problem sneaking some of the necklaces onto Breda since he was still asleep, but that's when the credits began to roll.
"Aw, that was a great movie, wasn't it?" Ross asked as she stood up from her seat and turned to Breda. She immediately noticed Lust and Sloth with their hands on Breda. "Hey, what the hell?" she yelled as she attacked the homunculi.
The homunculi threw the necklaces at the angry Ross as they easily dodged her punches. "The beads are presents!" Lust explained.
"Yeah, we're giving them out to everyone!' Sloth added as she handed some Mardi Gras beads to the couple that were sitting behind Breda and Ross. It's odd that they didn't say anything about the beads or the fact that their space was being intruded, but maybe that's because they knew a little something about homunculi.
Ross made a big scene about two slutty women giving her date jewelry and she was constantly trying to attack them, but Lust easily held her back without even needing to use her special powers. Eventually, this caught the cops' attention since they weren't as focused on the credits as they were on the actual movie.
People started to leave the theater hastily and the cops weren't up to doing anything about that. "The movie was so sad!" most of them were crying. But the three focused cops decided to make it their job to break up the fight among Ross, Lust, and Sloth. They freaked out when they saw the Mardi Gras beads all over the place.
One of the cops pinned Ross to the ground and started beating her with his baton. Another cop shocked Sloth with his taser and she momentarily turned into water. "What was that for, asshole!" Sloth screamed. The cop found this amusing, so he kept on shocking her with his taser.
The third cop had cuffed Lust and was trying to ask her out on a date. Lust stabbed him with her nails in response. He fell over and she stared at his motionless body for a while.
"Whoops. I killed him." Surprisingly, all the other cops noticed this, so they ganged up on Lust.
Back outside the theater room . . .
The anteroom no longer existed. Roy was still trying to strike Envy, but to no avail. And Envy hasn't been able to get close enough to attack Roy again. "Give up already, you bastard!" Envy yelled. "'Cause I know I can get you in trouble with your business with Naomi!"
"Well, I know you're the murderer of the alternate Maes Hughes!" Roy yelled back.
"You have just burned down half the theater!"
"You've been involved with all the crap that happened in the last dances!"
"Well, um . . . you're a pervert!"
"And you're, um . . . sadistic!" By then, Roy and Envy had pretty much stopped fighting.
"Damn, I guess we're even then," Envy stated.
Roy scratched his head in confusion. "Yeah . . . I guess so. Well, then we'll just have to wait until one of us screws up again before we can conclude who should drop out."
Envy groaned. "What a waste of time . . . Get out of my sight before I choose to kill you." Roy took this as his cue to run to Hughes car and drive back home. Envy walked up to Ed to see how he was doing. "Hey, let's get out of here before the cops notice that half this place is missing."
"But wait, what just happened?" Ed asked, all dazed. He stood up and started brushing debris off his clothes.
"We'll find out soon enough."
The next day, at Ed's apartment . . .
Oprah was cancelled for the day and Winry wouldn't stop crying about it. She was on the floor throwing a tantrum. The news about the Mardi Gras beads and the theater were on every single channel. Ed, Al, Envy, and Wrath sat around the TV to try to figure out exactly what happened.
So far, the cops were being blamed for the destruction of the anteroom, the stolen doughnuts, the broken car windows, and just about everything else Ed did. All the people that were still inside the movie theater after the credits were arrested. Discarded money and beads were found unattended, so everyone there, except the cops, were found guilty of possession.
Also, the news reporters reported a woman on the verge of death that was trapped in her own closet. "Oh, I knew I forgot something," Envy commented. Then the phone rang. Envy was expecting a call from the other homunculi, so he answered it. "Hey, so what happened?" he greeted them. ". . . Okay, but what about you guys? . . . Holy crap! That's a LOT for bail! Go ask Greed for it. . . . Yeah, I know he won't, but ask him just to piss him off, okay? . . . No, Roy got away. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SUCK! YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES IN JAIL! . . . Naw, I don't feel like helping. See you in the summer then!" Envy hung up even though Lust's, Sloth's, and Pride's pissed off voices could still be heard on the other line.
"What did they say?" Ed asked Envy.
"It turns out that Ross, Breda, Lust, Sloth, and Pride are pretty much stuck in jail until the end of July," Envy replied. "So none of them are going to graduate."
"Oh, wow," Al commented. "Who would have thought that so many people would get in trouble over a bunch of harmless plastic beads?"
Then the door swung open. It was Dante on her routine checkup on all the homunculi. Wrath shrieked and hid behind Envy for protection. "You should really stop breaking into peoples' homes," Envy spat at Dante.
The non-homunculi had grown used to Dante's constant intrusion, and knew they had no part in her conversation with Envy and Wrath, so they casually went on with watching TV.
"You're the only one left," Dante said to Envy. "I'm expecting quite a bit from you now. And I've got some work for you, too, Wrath." Dante threw down a pretty big pile of papers next to the homunculi. "I am well aware that it will be Spring Break soon, so I expect you two to figure this all out with all the free time you'll have. That is all." With that said, Dante left the room.
"That's not fair!" Wrath pouted. "Just because she's so old and all powerful doesn't mean that she can boss us around like that!"
Envy looked at some of the papers. "Actually, that's exactly why she can boss us around like that. Hm, these all look like reports on the principal."
After hearing the word principal, Ed couldn't pretend to be oblivious anymore. "Why would she give you reports?" Ed whined. "You guys don't think I can get the philosopher's stone on my own?"
"Well, you really sucked at finding cops yesterday," Envy retorted.
"That wasn't my fault!" Ed started grabbing as much of the papers as possible. "I'm gonna figure everything out about the principal on my own!"
"You can't do crap on your own!" Envy started listing things. "You needed me to get a date for homecoming-"
"I didn't really need that!"
"You needed beer to stop failing Spanish – I even helped you get drunk!"
"Who needs help getting drunk?"
"And you-"
Wrath covered his ears and yelled. "Stop it!" He gave Envy and Ed the puppy eyes. "I thought you two were already done fighting each other . . ."
Since neither Envy nor Ed had the heart to keep Wrath unhappy, they apologized then decided that they'll all work on the reports together. Al had to restrain Winry and keep her mouth shut so she wouldn't ruin the moment. All she wanted to do was squeeze Wrath and tell him how cute he is.
Aztec Goddess: So now the only FMA characters left in school are: Envy, Ed, Roy, Russell, Scar, and Abel. (Dante doesn't count.) Only one will survive! Who will it be? Well, I think this story is only gonna be twenty-four chapters long, so you'll find out very soon!
To Lil-Kudo: Oh, okay then. It's just that I freak out when I get spoiled. Like when I missed that episode when Hughes dies when it first came out, so in school, my friend said, "That was so sad when Hughes died!" I was like, "? Why'd you tell me? And who killed him? Envy?" "Yeah, how'd you know?" " . . .GAH!" Man, I hate my guessing skills. I even guessed right when it came to who died in the latest Harry Potter book. T.T
To ooOAnimeChildOoo (ch 1): I'm already going to Kennedy High, and I don't think we're on welfare, but we're pretty damn poor. There's been construction going on for three years now all over campus, and the workers haven't even finished building the frames for our future auditorium or gym (both separate buildings). Construction was so bad in the beginning of last year, we didn't have PE at all in first semester. That was fun, though!
To Lolafreak: Yeah, Envy really knows how to take one for the team. We should honor him for having to deal with Roy! And I liked the pimptastic part, too! It took me a while to figure out how I could put that word in my last chapter, but I did it!
To MetalWing Alchemist: I wonder why too many exclamation points aren't allowed. Lemme try something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay that should be 20 exclamation points. Anyway, thanks for saying the last chapter was funny. I feel like I'm running out of ideas for this story . . .
To Everto Angelus: Yeah, I strike when you least or most expect it, if that even makes sense! Funky chickens dance together! I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore so I'll just start on my next chapter!
To White bandana (ch 2): I wanna keep writing until the day I die! Or until I get a career. Whichever comes first. And I prefer the anime over the manga, but yeah, Full Metal Alchemist is currently my favorite book. And of course you'll hear back from me 'cause you're a reviewer!
To White Bandana (ch 4): Don't worry, I had no problem reading it. And, yeah, Ed has pretty much given up the whole being popular thing because that is just too unrealistic for him now. Poor Ed! I always give him crappy luck!
To White bandana (ch 6): Ed didn't have much of a choice when it came to trusting Envy, but as you can see, their relationship is still a bit shaky, even though they're living in the same apartment room now. Are Indian languages hard to learn? I've heard some Indian songs and they sound so pretty, but confusing to me.
To ooOAnimeChildOoo (ch 19): I made up Kelly High, and it wasn't meant to sound bad, just retarded. And my school color is green, too! Well, green and gold. We're the "fighting Irish". (snorts) Our mascot's a leprechaun and we have a huge rock painted yellow in the middle of campus and that's supposed to be the blarney stone. I think Kelly High would be more fun! Radish pride! Woot!
To Nayru: Roy is like a cockroach – he's hard to kill. . . . Unless you Raid his ass, but that's not as effective on humans. (I don't own Raid.) But don't worry, the odds of Roy graduating are pretty slim if you think about it since Ed and Envy both want him gone.
To Kitsune Freak: I never planned on Ed just walking in and pointing to Roy. That would be cutting Ed waaaaay too much slack, don't you think? And Roy's simply one hell of a lucky bastard!
To CowNapkin: Heh, when you say shoe, I imagine your horse wearing human shoes! Anyway, Wayne Brady is so freakin' awesome, but his own show didn't do quite well, T.T I don't think I've ever heard of Unhappily Ever After. Is it still on TV? What channel?
To arynna: Beads can be classified as a deadly weapon! Just look at it with its choking and whacking abilities! Anyway, yeah, I know it's crazy hat doughnuts didn't work. But it was really Ed's fault because he could have tried flinging them in the air rather than placing them on the sidewalk. Stupid Ed!
To Angel-of-Music1331: None of that makes you a bad writer! And who knows, maybe once you can use a computer again, you'll have a bunch of great ideas by then! I really want to know how your stories will end, so good luck!
To AnimeCrasherz: Well, some stuff that happens in this story has something to do with my real life. The whole Titanic thing is a good example. It's actually a real improv. my friends and I made up in a Chinese Food Restaurant! And the only reason I have for putting a lot of Mexican things in here is because I'm Mexican!