Aztec Goddess: Yeah, I know this took a while, but that's 'cause I actually studied for summer school finals. But it's all over now, so YAY! I got all A's! Oh, and I don't own Ruffles.
Defined
The school year was coming to an end; so of course, everyone that hasn't been expelled yet was being crammed with homework. George Lopez hasn't been seen on campus in weeks, so that gave Ed and Envy so much more time for homework. Oh, joy. Poor Wrath was always left with no entertainment, so he often found himself visiting Greed and Gluttony.
Greed and Gluttony have recently moved into Greed's new favorite girlfriend's house. It wasn't hard for Wrath to find them though. All he had to do was look for the house with a crazed ex-boyfriend on the front lawn. But this ex-boyfriend looked oddly familiar . . .
The ex was banging on the front door, begging for entrance. Wrath, as usual, pretended that the ex wasn't even there and casually knocked on the door. "It's me, Wrath! The bundle of cuteness!" Wrath chimed.
Greed immediately opened the door, hitting the ex full in the face. "Hey!" Greed greeted Wrath. "How've you been? Come in!" As Wrath walked inside the house, the crafty ex found this his chance to hold the door open with his foot.
"Get out of my girlfriend's house!" he ordered Greed.
"What the hell are you talking about? She's been my girlfriend for months now!" Greed replied. "Now go home before I call the cops on you."
"Um, that isn't saying much," Wrath commented.
The ex stared at Wrath for a while, then he realized something: "Hey, you're that kid I went to Mexico with!"
"Oh, that's right! You're Ruffles, the guy that likes my daddy!"
"Um, it's Russell and what the hell do you mean by daddy?" Russell asked.
"Geez, everyone knows that Ed and Envy are Wrath's pretend parents," Greed replied as if Russell was the most retarded person in the world.
"Okay . . . That's nice and all, but LEMME SEE MY GIRLFRIEND!"
Greed pretended to think it over. "No. It's over between you and her."
"HOW COULD YOU BE SO SURE?"
"It's 'cause I'm Greed! I'm cool like that!"
Wrath nodded in agreement. "That's a very good point, y'know."
Russell sighed heavily. "You know what? This is all so stupid. I've got a diploma to get while you, Greed, are gonna get kicked out of the country by the end of the year!"
Greed chuckled a little. "You nerd!"
The thing Russell did in response was so impulsive and so idiotic that he might as well start writing his death wish. It all seemed like slow motion to Greed. Russell walked back a few steps with a stern look, one of his hands came close to his face, and only his middle finger was up. "Fuck you." Then he ran for dear life.
Wrath had most of his face covered by both his hands and he gasped dramatically. "Oh, he did NOT just do that!" He glanced at Greed and took a couple steps away from him in fear of what he was going to do in response.
At first, Greed just stood there; utterly shocked by the fact that someone had flipped HIM off. Then he got this look on his face that said: and that's also gonna be the last time.
Meanwhile, in Mexico . . .
Scar and Abel had made it to civilization alive! Don't ask how, because that's beyond anyone's knowledge. But the fact that they're Ishbalians, therefore used to harsh weather, probably has something to do with it. An airport was nowhere in sight, though. Plus, they didn't have the money for plane tickets anyway.
A friendly Mexican suggested that they go to the state capital where they can hopefully smuggle themselves onto a plane at the airport there. And so the brothers had to travel a little farther west until they saw a huge sign. Scar quickly read it to himself: "Bienvenidos a – oh, crap! Brother, don't look!" Scar immediately tackled his brother. They both fell face-first into the ground.
"What? Are we under attack?" Abel was seriously freaked out. Then he got a look at the sign: "Bienvenidos a . . . Chihuahua, Chihuahua? AAAHHHHHH!" Scar lost control of his brother, so Abel was running around the state capital like a crazy person in no time. "Where are all the Chihuahuas? Someone help me!"
Scar groaned. "Why did the capital of Chihuahua have to be Chihuahua?"
Scar chased after Abel and eventually cornered him inside someone's car. How'd that happen? Not even the owner of the car bothered to ask. "Come on, Abel. We need to leave this country, or at least this car. People are staring at us."
"Let them stare! I'm not coming out of here 'cause this is the only place I feel safe!" Abel pouted.
"I can't let you stay here!" Scar thought for a while. "Hey, how 'bout I buy you a drink?"
"With what money?"
Scar took the money he found on the ashtray. "See? That's already one problem solved!"
That calmed Abel down, so he agreed to get drunk with his brother at the nearest bar. They ended up drinking much more than they could afford, therefore, since that day, you can find these Ishbalian brothers trying to pay off their debt by working in several bars all throughout Mexico and Latin America. Oh, what an epic story!
The next day, at Kelly High, first period . . .
Ed and Envy couldn't help wondering why Russell was acting so odd that morning. He continually cussed under his breath and made a big deal out of everything like when Envy threw a rock at him in the middle of class. "Hey! What the hell is wrong with you? You think you're amusing? Well, do you know what would be really funny, huh? If Wrath broke his leg!"
Ed and Envy had to admit that Russell's outburst was amusing, but far from funny. "Hey, leave Wrath out of this!" Envy yelled back. "I was just gonna ask you what you did to Greed. He called last night and said very interesting things that I can't tell you since it'll ruin the surprise."
"I didn't do anything! He's the one who stole my girlfriend!" It's amazing that the rest of the class was completely ignoring this conversation. They're very courteous, I guess.
"Loser," Ed commented. If you haven't noticed, Ed and Russell can't really be considered friends anymore.
"Shut up, Lalo. You've never even had a girlfriend before."
"Stop calling me that! It's annoying!"
"Oh, and you don't mind being called nene?"
"That's because nene suits him better," Envy commented.
Yeah," Ed nodded in agreement, even though he wasn't sure if he should have. If he remembered correctly, nene is the literal translation for a male infant. Why didn't this bother him? It just doesn't sound like a big deal the way Envy says it. But now, Ed can't stop wondering why Envy says it in the first place.
While Envy and Roy kept on exchanging suspicious looks in second period, Ed tried to come up with some answers to his question on his own. He'd ask Envy for the right answer, but that would seem weird. Ed came up with only one realistic explanation: his height, or lack thereof. Needless to say, that bothered him even more.
Roy stuck his tongue out at Envy. Envy flipped him off in response. Then Roy did the rudest thing a person can do according to Shakespeare: he bit his thumb at Envy. "Oh, no he didn't!" Envy growled under his breath.
Envy couldn't take it anymore. He took a notepad and pencil out and started writing out a brilliant plan to get Roy expelled.
Ed was still deep in thought in third period, which isn't very smart since Alvarez was teaching his class a bunch of new words that are pretty much useless, but will be in the finals anyway. It's stuff like plants and animals you would never see on a daily basis.
Why 'nene'? Ed kept on thinking. It's not like he treats me like a baby. And why is everyone looking at me? They think I'm stupid? Or does Envy think I'm stupid and that's why he calls me a nene?
Envy jabbed at Ed with his pencil until he started bleeding. "Hey, nene. You paying attention?"
"Um, yeah, sure," Ed mumbled as he rubbed his arm and momentarily wondered where the blood came from.
"Then why aren't you answering the teacher? He's calling on you."
"Elric," Alvarez repeated himself over and over.
Ed snapped out of his delirious moment. "Um, huh?"
"Translate the following words for me: pavo real."
"Peacock."
"Mona."
"Doll."
"Monkey," Alvarez corrected Ed. Ed looked confused for a moment, then shrugged it off. Then Alvarez continued: "Buey." (sounds like way)
"Um . . . friend?"
"That would be güey (also sounds like way)," Alvarez corrected him again. "And it also means idiot, so watch how you use it. But anyway, a buey is an ox."
"Wha . . ." Now Ed was painfully confused. "But I went to Mexico and heard people call dolls monas and their friends bueys or whatever you said!"
"Oh, well, that's too bad 'cause the school expects you to learn proper Spanish, even though it isn't all that common."
"But . . . huh?"
"Words can change meanings due to a lot of things. It's like that in every language, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I guess . . ." What the teacher just said gave Ed so much more to think about. So 'nene' could mean something completely different from 'infant'? Then what the hell has Envy been calling me?
Fourth period was the time for Envy to suffer. They had an in-class essay on whatever Dante told them to write about. But Envy got a special topic: Why I don't have the philosopher's stone yet and why I don't wear pants as often as I should. And Envy had no way around this since Dante stood right next to him all period.
Envy began to write his thesis statement: The philosopher's stone is a bitch to get your hands on and pants are not for those with nice legs.
"Don't be a smart ass, or I'll fail you," Dante politely whispered to Envy, so he rewrote his statement. I'll get the stone once nene graduates and pants are not for those with nice legs. "I refuse to wait that long." Too bad then, because that's what the principal agreed to. "Are you certain he has it?" Sure. "And about you wearing –" Leave my sense of style alone! "Okay, fine. I'll give you the rest of the period to make a real essay out of what you wrote. A minimum of six paragraphs, remember?" . . . You bastard.
Envy had to stay in class through lunch, as Dante intended. This gave Ed twenty-nine whole minutes of alone time to ponder the whole nene thing – or so he thought. Russell came up to him to have a little talk, and he didn't look too friendly. He sat himself across Ed on a table.
"Hey, there's something I need to know," Russell started. "Why the hell do you hang out with the homunculi more than the military? Which side are you on?"
Ed shrugged. "There really aren't any sides. Besides, who would you rather hang out with: cute little Wrath or big scary Armstrong?"
It took Russell a while to respond. "Okay, you've got a point there, but still, homunculi aren't known to be good guys."
"They're not as bad as you think either. If this is about Envy or Greed, it's all your fault, y'know."
Russell stood up and banged his fists on the table. "Don't act like you know what –"
"What I do know is that you're the one that asked Envy out and you shouldn't have tried anything to get your girlfriend back from Greed. See? It's all your fault!"
"What kind of logic is that? You know what? You suck! I'm not gonna talk to you anymore!" With that said, Russell left.
"Well, what a nice waste of time," Ed said to himself. "Now what was I thinking earlier? Oh, yes. Nene . . ."
Fifth and sixth period are always so uneventful, so Ed was given a lot of time to think. Envy had become deep in thought as well. During lunch, he had a conversation with Dante that was really making him doubt that the philosopher's stone was in their reach. If only George Lopez was around to clear things up . . . Why was he taking so many personal days near the end of the school year?
Meanwhile, right outside of campus . . .
Greed has been waiting patiently right in front of Kelly High's door for like two minutes now. His plan for revenge will take place as soon as Russell exits these door, which should be any moment now.
Greed's plan was simple – for a homunculus, that is. And it should be more than enough to get rid of Russell once and for all. And the best thing about it: it's completely risk-free for him!
Back with Ed and Envy, in seventh period . . .
Hoganson was absent – well, he's been absent for several days, actually – and the new sub had no freaking clue on how to teach Theater. Envy convinced him that all Theater does is walk around campus to search for inspiration until the next time they have to perform in front of an audience. The sub bought it, so just about everyone happily went straight home.
"Um, why'd you tell the sub that?" Ed asked Envy as they walked down a hallway.
"Because I was given the chance to make things easier for myself." Envy started walking at a faster pace. "You see, I told Greed I'd help him with something, so see you later, okay nene?" Then Envy sped down the corridor to the main entrance.
Ed stood in place for a while. " . . . That word again." At this rate, that word would eat at his insides for the rest of his life until he learns the truth behind it. He had to ask someone that would surely know: Alvarez. So Ed ran to his Spanish class in hopes that the teacher would still be there. Ed swung the door open and alas . . . no one was there. "Aw, c'mon! I'm due for a break!" he whined.
Then Ed noticed the top paper on Alvarez's desk: the grades sheet. A peek wouldn't hurt, right? He casually walked over to the desk and skimmed down the list. Envy had a 100 percent. Whatever. The other homunculi were crossed out. Ed's name was right below all of them. First, he slowly examined all the grades he got so far. There were tons of D's and F's in the very beginning, then they slowly rose up to C's. And right after Winter Break, they were all A's, giving Ed the average grade of a solid B!
"Holy crap! I'm not failing! Yay-yeah!" Ed wrapped his arms around the thing closest to him, which happened to be Alvarez. "Hey, since when were you here?" Ed immediately backed off, knowing that Alvarez doesn't like being touched.
"Um, I came here to lock the door and grab my stuff since I forgot. But what the hell are you doing here?"
"I need you!" Ed realized he should have reworded that a little too late.
Alvarez looked really disturbed. "Are you like this around everyone, or just with me?"
"No, it's just I need to know what nene means! Is it one of those words with a lot of meanings?"
"Well, yeah. . ." Alvarez began to grab his stuff off his desk and put it in his suitcase. "Wait, that guy who sits next to you calls you that, huh? Please tell me he's your cousin, or something."
"Why?"
"'Cause it's . . . wrong for a guy to call another guy that unless they're blood related or . . ." Alvarez shuddered then headed out the door. "Get out of the room unless you wanna spend the night here."
Ed followed his teacher out the door. "So then what does it mean when a relative says it?"
"It just means that they're older than you. They're not saying you're a baby or-" Alvarez's sentence was cut short from several screams coming from the front of school followed by ambulance sirens. " . . . What the hell?"
"Crap. I think I know who's behind this." And so Ed sped to the main entrance in hopes that what just happened isn't as bad as he thinks.
Aztec Goddess: Wow! There were twenty reviews for the last chapter! (cries dramatically) Damn, that's so much! Thank you all!
To Everto Angelus: Holy crap! That would be so sad if Envy turns into the next Oprah-obsessed freak on the couch! I don't I can put him through so much disgrace!
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 1): Making Roy act drunk is so much fun! That's all I gotta say here.
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 2): I think Ed does look cute in a girl's uniform! It fits him so much better than the boy's one!
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 3): Yeah, I know he doesn't 'cause you actually see his legs in the anime. Hey, does this mean he hasn't gone through puberty yet?
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 4): Heh, did the guy ever figure out what he said. And yes, that does sound like a good idea, but I think it's too late to add it in this story.
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 5): Don't worry, Ed is buried in too much crap to kill you right now!
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 6): Okay, I believe you.
To The Mysterious One1 (ch 7): Really? So you throw away the masa instead?
To Lil-Kudo: Yes, Ed does have his child to think about, but Wrath is Envy's "son", too! But what's it make you wonder? How Ed is the mommy and Envy's the daddy? . . . Hm, I guess they do act like a married couple in some parts . . . Wow, that family is just plain confused!
To Kagome Tendo: Oh, sorry. Well, most, if not all, of my spoilers really aren't all that accurate. It's like if I were to say: As Ed walks up the altar to marry Envy, he crashes into an iceberg and dies. And that's how Full Metal Alchemist ends! . . . Don't worry, that doesn't really happens. But if it did, man, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing!
To Spearette: Damn! Are there any stories here 190 chapters long? If so, then, wow. Oh, and thank you for saying that this is the best story you've read so far! It means a lot to me!
To Nayru: There. Russell's in danger! Hopefully he'll get out of his own mess alive! Well, that's what he gets for letting me abandon him!
To AnimeCrasherz: Yay, I knew there were a lot of Mexicans here! But then again, we're everywhere! Well, only two more chapters to go. We'll see if you're wondering correctly in a little while!
To Kitsune Freak: Nope, reviews can only be written in normal format. Those bastards! They're not giving anyone the chance to stand out or anything! Oh, and keep the kidney thing in mind.
To Iwin Ulose: Heh, to tell the truth, I rush just about every chapter due to my wanting to finish one in a single day. But it's weird though. I took only about an hour to write the first chapter with only one thought in mind: high school! I guess it's just gets harder to make things flow after a while, even though it should theoretically get easier. .
To Kawaii-Akuhei: Um, well, if you've read this far, then it looks like Ed and Envy are gonna get along. After all, they've got Wrath to think about!
To CowNapkin: Hey, I remember something about a stuffed bunny this guy talks to in his basement! Maybe I have seen that show before, but I don't really remember it.
To nonesofar: Oh, I didn't see the word momo. And there are cows in San Francisco? Man, next time I go, I'll keep an eye out for them!
To nadisrad: Chapters can be blocked? Man, since when? Those bastards . . . And, wow, Florida doesn't sound so great. And. . . LOL! Now I can't stop imagining Roy doing the ghetto snapping thing!
To Ghostlyfire: Wow, that's a crazy coincidence. The Chihuahua thing, I mean. And yes, poor Havoc, getting all messed up due to the little incident in Winter formal.