discalimer: I own nothing

AN: sorry for the late update, I had a horrible writing blocade...sorry! Thousand thanks to inlya and Sara Sidle Grissom for always encouraging me!

dreams

"Yes?", Grissom answered his cell phone.

"Hello, am I talking to Dr. Grissom?"

"Yes."

"I am calling because of a Sara Sidle."

What? What is wrong with Sara! Did something happen at her doctor's appointment! Is she alright! Oh my God! Grissom swallowed hard. "What….what's wrong with her, what happened?"

"She lost her conscience and…well…she's awake again now…but…somebody should come and pick her up, you are her emergency contact on her assurance sheet and…we had to call you."

I am the emergency contact on her assurance form? Wow….I mean…damn it….this means she…anyways…don't think about the reason now Gil! You have to pick her up and take her home. "What's the address?"

"She's not here….she's at Desert Palms…she hit the counter on her way down…she probably has a concussion."

Oh my god… "Okay, I will pick her up. Thanks for calling." Oh God, let her be alright! Let her please, please, please , please be alright!

Twenty minutes later he arrived at Desert Palms. He almost ran to the emergency room, searching for a nurse who could tell him where Sara was. One finally brought him to one of the examination rooms. He entered, his heart almost breaking when he saw Sara sitting on the bed, her face swollen because of the surgery, a bandage around her head, she must have had a head wound, cooling pads over her cheeks, tears in her eyes, she forced a smile, but he knew she felt so miserable inside.

He walked over to her, the urge to twine his arms around her was growing bigger and bigger, he needed to hold her and he knew she needed to be held by him.

"Hey.", she spoke softly.

"Hey.", his voice was full of concern. He sat down on her bed. His hand automatically taking hers.

"I look so horrible."

"You don't Sara….you really don't look horrible…the doctor said that you may go home…I was called to pick you up…I hope that's okay." I have to be there for her, she needs me…she can't be alone tonight…I hope she's not going to send me away….because then I'd have to insist to stay with her and then…she would probably realize how much she really means to me.

"I wish you wouldn't see me like this."

Why? Why doesn't she want me to see her like this? Is she afraid I wouldn't be there for her? Does she…she doesn't want me to leave does she? She's not looking horrible, she is injured, it is horrible that she is inured, but…she's still looking like my sweet… "Sara…I…you….you maybe don't look like Miss Universe at the moment, but…you are still the most beautiful women in the world for me." Did I just say this? Hell did I just say this? How to hell could I just speak this out? Okay…now it's over! She …she will never stop asking questions again, I will have to tell her what I feel…I…well in fact I already told her what I feel with this…I…great! I never wanted this! Never! Never ever!

The expression in her eyes showed her totally confusion, she was staring at him, holding her breath.

He swallowed hard, I have to say something…she has to say something! Someone has to break this damned silence!

A few moments later they still remained in silence.

Okay…I have to say something…she wont…she is shocked. I shocked her…although I doubt that she can be more shocked as I am. I have to say something, but what? Should I open up to her right now? Should I change the subject? Should I simply tell her that I'll take her home now….what can I say?

She was still staring at him, probably realizing that this was just another 'Gil Grissom accidentally said something he feels but never meant to say and he will simply pretend it never happened until I doubt it ever happened' moment.

"Sara…let's….go home."

She bite down on her bottom lip, nodding softly. "Fine."

She probably thinks I am the greatest asshole in the world! And she is right with that! I play with her feelings. I play with her like she's a toy, something that can't break…but she can break, she is hurt….I hurt her. Probably more than I think…more than I will ever realize. I can't go on like this, I can't live on like this…I am hurting her more than I hurt myself and…this is something I can't accept. I don't want to hurt her anymore! She doesn't deserve it to be hurt! Not by me…not by the man she loves….not by the man who…not by the man who loves her. Damn it I love her! And this is something I can't change! I will never ever be able to change it. I…I love her! And I need her…and I desperately need to allow these feelings to myself…and I have to show them to her, because…she deserves to know it. I need time…but I don't have the time…what the hell can I do now?

Sara slowly left the bed, reaching for his arms when she stood up on her feet. Grissom held her, helping her on her feet, helping her to not loose her balance.

"Sara I…"

"…it's okay Grissom."

No it's not okay…it is so not okay! It is everything but okay. She pretends that she doesn't expect an answer, but I know that…swallowing her pain about this will even make it harder! Damn it! If I just could prove her wrong! She expects me to do nothing about this, again! Once again. I wish I could prove her wrong about this! But she is right…I don't know how to do this. I simply don't know it. I wish I would…I would do everything.

He helped her to leave the room, his hands still holding both of her arms.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

She sat down on her sofa, Grissom covered her with a blanket, and placed her feet higher than her head was, because the doctor had told him to do so. After this he sat down on the couch, his hand reaching for hers again.

"When…when I was under the anaesthesia I….had a dream.", she said softly.

"You had a dream?"

"Yeah…it was weird, you know…it was…so real… it felt so real…I…I lay on this field…on the lawn….spring flowers everywhere….and…we were there together…not the kind of 'processing a crime scene' together, it was….some kind of 'being romantically involved' together. You…touched me, you kissed me…we were happy… Grissom I…when I woke up and realized that it was just a dream…that this will never be real and…this is so depressing…you will never give me a chance..."

Did she really say this? Oh my god! I have to tell her! I can't let her…feel that bad and…just sit here and do nothing! "Sara, I…this has nothing to do with not giving you a chance…this is about not giving me a chance. I …don't want to give myself the chance to be loved and to love…I…Sara this has nothing to do with you in general."

"I am the one you hurt with this…so I think this has pretty much to do with me."

Grissom swallowed hard. This is really one of the first times that she told me that I hurt her…and I never knew this would hurt me that much!

"Gil…why?"

"I already told you why."

"No…you said you wouldn't allow this to yourself, why don't you allow yourself to be happy, to be loved?"

"Sara I…", he sighed. I don't want to tell her this…but she wouldn't let me change the subject…there is definitely no easy way out of this…I can't tell her everything…but she needs to know why I can't be with her. "…I am…I don't think that this is an appropriate moment to…tell you this, but…I know that…you have the right to know…I…don't trust other people…I don't even trust myself…and… 'love' or 'being loved' has a lot to do with trust. And…I am…I mean…trusting someone means…giving a part of yourself to someone…and…giving away a part of yourself….destroys you when the person you gave it to…takes her love away from you…leaves you…and…"

"…someone once did this to you…right?"

Grissom swallowed hard. "Not a woman."

Her eyes widened. "Don't tell me you are gay!"

He couldn't help but laugh softly. "I'm talking about my father…I trusted him…he left me and my mother alone…we were all alone and…my mother broke down because of him…I…each day we meet people at the worst days of their lives and…a lot of crimes are committed in passion or…hate…and hate is frozen love…I…" , he made a long pause. "…Sara I know what you feel for me…I hoped you would realize on your own that…nothing can everhappen between us, but…you never stop fighting, do you?"

"Why can there neverhappen something between us? Are you afraid that I would stop loving you?"

Yes, Yes I am! I am so horrible afraid! He said nothing, but the silence that lay between them said more than thousand words.

"I…will never stop feeling the way I feel for you…isn't the fact that I run after you like a dog since five years evidence enough that…I wont stop loving you?"

I should have never started this conversation…I can't get out of this without hurting her, I can't get out of this without…breaking her heart. All I fear to be done to me…is done to her by me. I am breaking her heart when I leave her now, I am breaking her heart when I tell her that she… there is no other way out of this, she has to stop loving me, she has to find someone else, I am only breaking her heart, no matter what I do.

She sat up, reaching for his upper arm, squeezing it softly. "Gil…give me a chance."

"This is not about giving you a chance."

She sighed. "Then give yourself a chance. Give yourself a chance to be happy, Gil I could make you happy…I know that I could."

God, she sounds so desperate…and I know she is probably even more than she shows. "Sara I will never find the strength to give myself such a chance…you have to forget me…"

"…how can I forget about the only man I ever loved! Gil…"

I don't want her to feel this way for me! And I don't want myself to feel this way for her! I have to stop loving her! In contrast to what his mind told him, his hands reached out for hers, he took both her hands into his, caressing them with his thumbs. His heart bet fast, he felt as if it had jumped into his throat…holding her hands, felt so good, he knew holding her in his arms would feel even better. I love her.

Despite his doubts, despite what he had told her just a few minutes ago, he felt the urge to feel her close to him grow bigger and bigger. He needed to feel her close to him. Now, right now. His hands slipped over her upper arms, then he softly pulled her close to him, his arms wrapped around her, her head resting on his shoulder. His hands caressed her back, her hands softly stroked over his arms, then she caressed his cheeks with her thumbs. She softly pulled away from him, looking into his eyes. His arms still twined around her waist, holding her.

It feels so good to feel her like this. Feeling her close to me. Her hands on my cheeks, her hands on my arms…I can feel her heart beating, I can feel her breath on my skin…and now she's looking into my eyes…and I can't help but looking into hers…I know how much I hurt her…I know it is wrong to hurt her, she deserves to…be loved…to be loved by the man she loves. I love her…but…I can't show this to her, not jet. Hell…she is totally confused…understandable, I…I mean I just told her that… I could never do this…and now I pull her into my arms, I hold her close to me, I…caress her back and I…touch her.

"Gil…just…promise me something…please.", tears were in her eyes. "…Gil…don't hurt me…don't play this one step further two steps back play again…"

He lay his finger on her lips. "Sara…I promise you to not…go back from here on…but…I need time to…"

"…it's okay. I know…that…opening up to someone is…hard…more than hard…I mean…when I told you about my family…this was…probably…the biggest step in my life so far…from then on…everything seems so easy… I needed a lot of time for this…so…I can understand that…you need time…it's just that…no…no, it's…everything is fine now. You…made …a big step…I mean…you needed four years until you…were able to hold my hand and…",she made a pause. "…I should stop talking…this is…idiotic."

Gil softly pressed her against his chest. Her head was resting on his shoulder again, her arms twined around him, her lips softly striping his neck. He could feel her breath against his skin, he felt butterflies in his stomach, his heart beating faster and his breathing was heavy. I so love her. I…love her more than anything else…and one day I will find the strength and courage to tell her, to show her…to…really love her the way she deserves it. "Sara…will you give me another chance?…I feel like I am the one who should ask you for a chance…because…I am the one who makes the mistakes…you did nothing wrong. I am responsible for the pain you feel. I am the one who has to apologize. I am sorry for all the times that I hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

A smile flashed over her lips. She nodded softly. "Yes…yes …yes, yes, yes!", she whispered into his ear.

His heart was literally jumping. "I have to tell you something.", he whispered.

"What?"

"When we…were in that café…I was really thinking about a 'zipper'."

She giggled softly. "I knew it!…whose zipper was it?"

He cleared his throat. "Yours…you wore anything under that track suit jacket and…the zipper was…probably more opened than…it should have been and…well…I just…did you do that un purpose?"

"How should I have known you were in that café?", she asked laughing softly.

"Because …you know me probably better than anybody else does." She really does…she knows me better than I know myself…and she knows that...one day, I will make her dreams come true, that's why Sara Sidle never stopped fighting for my love...and she will never stop loving me...for the first time in my life I know that I can really trust someone.

TBC

thanks for reading : ) I hope you liked this chapter although it wasn't funny this time...I rpomise, as far as this huge writing blocade is really totally over, I will be able to write a better chap 5 : )