AN: a lot of thanks to csmit99 for all the nice reviews : ), thanks to inlya and Sara Sidle Grissom for encouraging me, thanks to everybody else who reviewed,I will mention you all in the finale chapter (don't know how many chaps it will be yet).
Disclaimer: I own nothing...if I would, ...well you can imagine how it'd be then ; )
bookmark
He had given her one week off after her surgery and her concussion…he had hoped for a chance to visit her, but it seemed as if each criminal of Las Vegas had decided to commit a homicide this week. The night shift was short staffed, better said only him and Greg. Sophia had caught the flu, Sara was at home and Ecklie didn't agree to give Grissom CSIs from the other shifts. So he and Greg had no chance to take at least one minute off. The urge to call her had grown bigger and bigger with every second since he had left her apartment…he hated himself for not even finding the time to call her. He had worked three double shifts in the last five days, sleep was a foreign word he didn't seem to know in these days. When the shifts were finished, mounts of paperwork waited for him on his desk.
He sighed, taking another glance on his watch. Shift would start in ten minutes…normally she came early, to be sure to not be too late. On the one hand he couldn't wait to see her again, on the other hand, he was afraid that she was mad because he hadn't at least called…and afraid that she would immediately start talking about their last conversation. He had meant what he had told her, but actually he had never meant to tell it to her. Yes, she had the right to know about his feelings…but it shouldn't have been told to her the way I did. I…I should have let a little more time pass by, I should have given myself more time to think about how I'm telling this to her and…I should have been more careful with my choice of words.
The sound of footsteps in the hallway ripped him out of his thoughts. He looked up to see who it was. It's her…early as always…is she smiling? Or is this a grin or…is she maybe angry or….
"Hey…I'm back…And I know that I am much needed.", she said with a bright smile on her lips.
Hell…if she'd know how much she is really needed then she would jump right on my lap and…Don't even think of this! This is neither the appropriate place, nor time, nor moment, nor…anything for those thoughts! Don't dare to think of her that way…at least not for the next twelve hours! You are at work…you are paid to investigate crime scenes, not your subordinates….although this is really a tempting imagination…if she'd let me…investigate…DON'T THINK OF THIS!
"Okay, listen…I have to tell you something…which is…probably…well…going to be…embarrassing for me."
He looked at her while she sat down. Is she shaking? Is she afraid of something? Do I scare her? Did I do something wrong? He cleared his throat. "Sara…what's wrong?", he realized that he sounded even more concerned than he was... that's probably not good…you should…control yourself better!
"Nothing is wrong…it's just that…last week…after…my surgery…what…happened afterwards?"
What the hell does she mean with that? "Uhm…actually…I…don't know what you want to hear from me…I…"
"…I …can't remember what happened after the surgery…the last thing I can remember is…me sitting on that chair thing and ….waiting for the anaesthesia to kick in and…the next thing I know is…waking up in my bed, my legs lying on a huge pillow mount, me fully dressed, a bandage around my head, horribly headache, …a note you left on my kitchen counter…saying you'd give me the week off because of my concussion…my question is…or better said questions…first, concussion? How, why, when?…okay…that were four questions packed in one…anyways…then second, how did you get into my apartment to leave me that note…and question number three…did I…I mean…I know the medications you get for anaesthesia can…have manipulative effects on the human being and…did I do something…inappropriate…did I say…something inappropriate…did I do something wrong…I mean…you didn't call me for the whole week…I mean…you never actually called me before, but…you left a not on my kitchen counter…and…to be honest, I am totally confused."
Confused…confused is a good word…but actually I am more than confused! Does that mean she forgot everything we were talking about? He swallowed hard. Does that mean…she can't remember that I…held her and…what I told her?…is that good or bad? Should I be happy or sad about that?
"Grissom?…can…you at least answer one of those questions?", she pleaded.
"You…you lost conscience after the surgery….when you were on your way out…and you hit the reception desk on your way down…they brought you to Desert Palms…and called me to pick you up…they said I was your emergency contact…"
"…oh yeah…I should have…told you about that.", she said blushing.
"It's okay…I was just a little surprised."
"It's just that…I have nobody whom I can really trust…and…I mean except for you…because I know that you…are there for me when I need someone…okay maybe that's not the correct choice of words, I just…."
"…it's okay…really.", hell I don't want her to feel bad…she trusts me, she…really trusts me and I…should be worth her trust!
"It's just that…I have to know if I said…something stupid…something that would…make me want to drown myself…I…am a little panicking right now to be honest."
Grissom couldn't help but smile softly. She is so sweet when she sits on the chair that nervous…and I am mean…what should I tell her? The truth?…I wasn't sure if it was good to tell her what I told her…this is a second chance for me, isn't it? Hell…but it was so relieving that she finally knew about my feelings…but this time I could….well it gives me the chance to pick the right words and….
"Gil please say something.", she pleaded.
"You said nothing that was inappropriate."
"Why do you have that grin on your face then?"
"I don't grin.", Do I grin? He raised his eyebrow.
She rolled with her eyes. "Did we talk about something?"
"Sara…you said nothing that wasn't appropriate…so stop worrying."
"What did we talk about?"
Should I tell her? I should tell her the truth…I mean, it's unfair to take that second chance destiny gave me…I mean…well maybe…I really need this second chance…maybe I did so bad the first time that…that it's fate that she can't remember. I should be thankful. "Sara, I just brought you home, helped you into your bed and wrote you that note…you almost said anything…you've had that surgery…you couldn't talk." …she could talk very well because of the painkillers…but…she can't remember…so…I should stop worrying about that.
"Okay then.", she smiled softly. She moved softly in the chair, but didn't stand up.
Why isn't she leaving? Why is she still sitting there? Does she want to talk about something else with me? About what? What does she want…an explanation for the note I left her? "Something else you want to talk about?" Did I just ask this? Great…this is like an invitation for her to never stop asking me questions again. Great…I am such an idiot…I should kick myself in the ass….drown myself…
"Actually…yes."
Damn it! He forced a soft smile. "About what?"
She stared down on her hands, her fingers were shaking. Why is she so nervous? What's wrong with her?
"I…read that magazine you borrowed me."
NOT AGAIN! She is not going to talk about the bugsex again, is she?
"I…there was something that…was…striking, I mean…"
"…an article?"
"No…", she leaned down and opened her purse. She searched for something and finally found it.
He recognized it in the second she placed it on his desk. He swallowed hard. Damn it! That isn't happening, is it? This can't happen! This is just a nightmare! Wake up Gil! This is just a bad, very bad nightmare! The worst you ever had! You are only dreaming! This isn't real! How could I be that stupid! How could I forget about the picture? How could I forget about it? I'm looking at it almost each night before I go to bed, how could I forget that I used it as bookmark in the night before I gave the magazine to her? Oh my God…this is so embarrassing.
"…it….fell…", she swallowed hard. "…out of…the…", her voice was shaking, her whole body was shaking. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a few moments. "…it fell out of the magazine…I thought you might want it back."
I WANT TO DIE!
"It's…honestly a little shocking that…you have a picture of me in a magazine that is writing about bugsex and…that article about decomposition … and…that picture of me was…used as a bookmark in an article about Terri Miller…wasn't that a friend of yours?"
I WANT TO BE HIT BY A BOLT….NOW!
"I don't know what should be more confusing…the fact that you keep a picture of me in your bedroom, or…that it stuck between two pages of a Terri Miller interview."
You have to find a way out of this…the fastest way as possible…you could take your weapon and hit yourself unconscious with it…I could pretend I got a heart attack… He swallowed hard…okay…what is this acute pain in my chest?…hell…that is just an illusion…just a subconscious illusion…I shouldn't have thought about feign a heart attack…that woman is going to be the nail of my casket.
"I mean…where did you get this horrible picture from anyways?…I look so horrible on that."
That woman seems to have inferiority complexes! Doesn't she know how beautiful she is? Doesn't she realize that…she has everything a man dreams of?
"Could you do me a favor and rip into thousand pieces or something like this?…I just…can't stand the fact that you might be looking on that picture…"
"…Sara you look beautiful on that picture."
She laughed hysterically. "You're insane."
"I wont deny that…", he said with a soft smile on his lips. Only one thing will help me out of this…although…this is going to be hard. "…Sara…you can't imagine how embarrassing this is for me.", he took a deep breath. "I am…so sorry that…I mean…you probably think I am…weird, kinky…I don't know…I just…I mean…you…you have to believe me that I did nothing…kinky. I…", he realized that his hands were shaking. It's not good to talk with her about that! But…hell I don't want her to think I am a perverse, kinky, weird freak. "… Sara there is probably no…rational explanation for this. I…I am sorry."
Sara smiled softly. "Gil…I never knew you…no, if I'd say that I never felt you had a thing for me, then I would lie…but…finding out that…you keep a picture of me in your bedroom is…really weird and confusing and…I…actually don't know how to deal with that.", she confessed.
"Sara…just….let me explain this. I…"
"…you don't have to explain anything. Gil I…"
"…please, let me explain this. It is already embarrassing enough that you found a picture that shows you, in a magazine that belongs to me, a magazine that has been in my bedroom and…the picture had obviously been used as a bookmark…ironically between two pages about Terri and…you should know why….or what I did with that picture. Nothing is more embarrassing than you making up theses about why I did this…I mean, it seems to be obvious that…Sara I really did nothing perverse with that picture. I…just…looked at it from time to time and…I was reading in the magazine after we had had that coffee together in the café and…I lay in my bed, reading…and…then the caffeine's effect began to degrade and…I got tired. I stopped reading, the magazine lay on my lap and…I…I had to think of you and…looked at the picture and then…I…I was about to put the magazine on my nightstand and…in that moment I noticed that article about Terri. I…thought it might be interesting to read it…because I am a fan of her work…don't get me wrong about this…I mean…it is not as if I am still regretting an old relationship…I mean between me and her things never got serious…"
"…good to know.", Sara said grinning.
Great, at least she has her fun about this. But I am the one who botched up this whole thing. I have to pay for this…Gil Grissom you are to blame for your own stupidity! "…what I wanted to say is, ...I then placed the picture…of you, between the two pages as a bookmark and…I forgot about it when I handed the magazine to you….this is the answer to the… 'why between the Terri Miller article?' …I know that is not the answer to the 'why does he have a picture of me?' question…I…I am trying to find the right words for this one, but…I am not good with these things…"
"…what's the reason why you have a picture of me in your bedroom instead of a real me."
He swallowed hard. Great…well this is a logical conclusion…but did she really have to speak this out loud? I know I could have her if I'd find the courage to…open up to her…again, because actually I already did!…why is it that hard for me to just do it again? He knew that the expression on his face was probably showing the shock that had driven deep into his bones when she had spoken out that comment, he would do everything he could to hide it, but he knew nothing would succeed.
"It…was just a joke Gil…I…didn't mean to…", she laughed softly. "I really shocked you, didn't I? …Sorry…I didn't mean to…to shock you."
"I am the one who…has to apologize Sara. You must feel…horrible, because of that picture…I mean…your boss borrows you a magazine and you find a picture of yourself in it, used as a bookmark…the picture from your personal file…and…Sara I shouldn't have done this. This picture belongs to you…", he handed her the picture. "…I hope you can…forgive me."
"That is nothing you have to apologize for. I…I was, honestly, shocked at the…first few moments, but…somehow it is…some kind of honor to be…the last person you look at before you go to bed."
Grissom sighed. I don't want her to know this!
"Well…anyways. Shift started ten minutes ago…we should probably forget about this…because that's what we always do, right?…"
"…what do you mean with this?"
She laughed softly. "Well…you said you'd be interested in beauty since you met me and two seconds later you continued to talk about the case with me and…I mean there are a lot of examples…do you really want me to repeat all this stuff?"
"No…not really…listen Sara…I know I am…a real big disappointment for you…I mean, I should be able to show my feelings instead of keeping them in secrecy…I…am not good with people, especially not with the ones who mean something to me…from time to time I loose control over myself and…for a few seconds my feelings shine through that steel jacket around me and…Sara…I…"
"…Grissom…forget about it…okay?…let's just start working, okay? I learned to live with that."
I don't want her to get used to this. I…I think she shouldn't have to get used to this, she shouldn't have to learn to live with it…she…she should be angry and she should confront me with that and…she should wash my head clean of all these doubts I have…It should never have come that far…I shouldn't have…done a lot of things I did in the past. Maybe I should tell her what I told her when we were at her apartment last week…but…that she forgot about what had happened is maybe a sign…a sign that I should wait…and if it's not a sign it gives me at least the chance to wait for the best moment. I wish I'd know what to do.
TBC
Thank you for reading : ) I really hope this chapter didn't disappoint you...it was just that...well my writing blocade made me do things in chapter 4 that I regret now, because they didn't really fit into the concept I had for this story...but I decided to not delete and rewrite chapter 4...because that would be too confusing...I hope you can understand me a bit and I hope you don't hate me for this chapter...I had to solve things to find back to my concept.
a lot thanks to everybody who reviewed so far...I am not writing to get reviews, but your reviews inspire me and reasure me, that you like my story and the way I write this. And I am really glad that there are people who like that story. I too want to thank those who sent me emails and pms...it's so nice that you tell me that you like my story : ) and it's cool to talk with people on msn or icq : ) you all inspire me so much! Thank you: )