Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: okay….uhm….just to warn you…this chapter is a little different. I guess the time in the hospital had a little effect on it….I wrote the first part there so…..anyways…blame it on the painkillers ; )

This chap is dedicated to all my friends that kept calling me in hospital and to everybody who thought of me : ) ! Thank you!

Finding the right words

He had collected evidence since four hours now, he had thought about calling her, asking if she was okay, apologizing once more for leaving her alone while dinner. He still felt horribly bad. He knew, if he wanted a personal relationship with her, he had to find a way to let his days off really be his days off. No calls from work, no calls from anybody else…just her, his days off should just be spend with her.

The last piece of evidence had been bagged in and he decided to leave the scene now, to spend the time that was left of the night with Sara. I promised her to make it up to her…hell I hope she does not expect a hot night of passion…I am not ready for this, so not ready! But how can I make this up to her? I totally destroyed our first date! I am such an idiot! How could I ever think I could make it up to her? I can't even forgive myself, and I am myself…self hatred is not good and I know that…how will she be able to forgive me when even I can't forgive myself?

He turned on the radio on his ride home, they played love song after love song, what didn't help to make him feel better. He searched for other channels…but only the one that played heavy metal did not play love songs…and he was not in the mood for heavy metal either. The more songs about never ending love and eternal feelings he listened to, the more he wondered…what do I really feel for Sara? I love her, but is this really that never ending love, or am I just thinking that I love her, because I never felt something like this before…is that really love? And if it is…how will I find out? Is that something I get to know sometime? I doubt that one day the postman will knock on my door handing me a letter and tells me 'Mr. Grissom, this is your official certificate, now you are officially in love with Sara Sidle.' Although it would be helpful if somebody would simply tell me that I am…it could be helpful. …Gil, that's ridiculous!

He pulled over and parked his car. He left it and entered his house as quiet as possible. He knew he needed a real evidence before he could really tell her into her face that he loved her. But what would this evidence be? Would he immediately know that it was the evidence when he found it? Or would he need another evidence to find out that this was the evidence? You're in a vicious circle!

He found Sara sleeping on his sofa, wrapped in the blanket, he had covered up himself with last night. She looked like the sleeping beauty, he wondered if it would wake her up if he'd kiss her…and he wondered if he could kiss her. It was out of question that she wanted to be kissed by him, he knew that she wanted to, he had seen it in her eyes so often. The question was, could he handle it? Could he kiss her? Really kiss her? Not just on her forehead, could he kiss her on her lips? With the option that she would let him deepen the kiss? Or would she deepen the kiss? Could he take it to feel her tongue with his?

He sat down on the edge of the sofa, running his hand through her hair. She immediately woke up. She looked up to him, her eyes shining in the almost dark room that was only illuminated by a little lamp in a corner.

"Hey.", she whispered, sitting up.

"Hey.", his hand caressed her cheek, he had no chance but to do so, it was as if his hand would listen to his heart and not to his brain, and probably this was good, he thought.

"How's the case going?"

"I collected all the evidence, I'm going to analyse it at shift tonight."

"You're going to work with swing shift?"

"I actually don't think Catherine will let me…it wont take that long to analyse it anyway…no hurry."

"That's good."

"Why?"

"Just because.", she said and winked.

He cleared his throat, suddenly he had realized something. "Sara…when we are taking this thing between us to a…higher level…then,…one of us has to switch shift." First he was shocked about this fact, he had pushed it away since a couple of weeks…and now it had hit him like a bolt. He wouldn't be able to work together with her anymore…and not working on the same shift would mean less time he could spend with her. Then he was shocked that he had just told her, or at least he had said something that, when drawing conclusions, was like telling her, that he wanted to take it to a higher level.

"I know." She said softly, staring down on her hands. She sounded sad, but there was also a portion of relieve in her voice.

But was she relieved because he had used the term "higher level" or because finally one of them had found the strength to speak out loud what had been haunting her for a while now?

"I think this is the only thing I would not like about taking this to a higher level.", she said softly.

And the award for idiot of the year goes to…Me! Gil you have to learn that if you do not want to talk about a theme with her, you should not mention it! You know this woman…you know that taking this to a higher level is all she ever wanted to do with this…and you know that you are not ready! Why did I have to mention this? I should have known better! Now I have to respond to this! I have to react to this, she is watching me, she is waiting for me to do something! Do something, do the hell something, that is not destroying what has already been built up, but not building up something you can not pay the bricks for.

He closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. He felt that she was moving, but she was not taking her eyes off of him. He felt it. He knew it. He could tell it by the way she was breathing that she was looking at him. And he could tell that her heart was racing, beating hard in her chest. He knew it because he just felt the same. But he didn't know how she sat on the sofa now. He felt the heat of her body, he felt that she still sat on the sofa, but he couldn't tell if she had moved closer to him or away from him, if she was leaning back against the back of the sofa or if she was leaning forward.

When he felt her breath on his skin his questions were answered.

What the hell is she going to do? Open you eyes and prevent it!

He opened his eyes, her face was close to his, too close. Their lips almost met and he could almost taste her. His heart bet even faster, now they looked into each other's eyes. He could feel how deep she looked into him, and it felt uncomfortable. It was as if in this little moment, she was able to read everything inside of him, as if he was a book and by looking into his eyes she had opened the cover and was now able to flick through his pages. There were two options. Taking or turning. Would he pull the emergency brake, or would he give in to his desire and the temptation she was?

Before he was able to make his decision she turned away. She took a deep breath, she didn't seem to be able to face him anymore. What did I do wrong?

He reached out for her arm and softly touched her. "Sara…", he spoke softly, and in this moment it was all he was able to say.

"You do not want to take this to the next level.", she said softly. He could hear her saying these words…and he could feel her soul and heart breaking when she spoke them out. They left her mouth and hit his heart.

"I never said I would not want to…"

"…the eyes are the mirrors of our soul. And I could see in your eyes that all you wanted was to turn away.", she said and stood up.

And now he felt his heart breaking.

She wanted to leave, but he would not let her go. He grabbed for her hand and dragged her back down on the sofa. Realizing a little too late how raw he had done this. The shocked expression in her eyes told him that he had just made it worse with this desperate try to keep her close to him. He wanted to apologize, for everything, but he couldn't. He couldn't find the words…his head was empty and so was his soul.

She leaned back against the back of the sofa, she breathed deep and heavily. He was still sitting on the edge, still holding her hand, watching her. Her eyes were closed, she was shaking. He did not know what to say, and he did not know what he was doing when he let his hand slip up her arm to her shoulder, then to her neck, finally stopping at her cheek.

"What did I do wrong?", she whispered, her lips were trembling, she was obviously forcing back the tears.

"You did anything wrong.", he said softly. And now he the words were all there. "It's me, all me! I am sorry Sara. I know how much I hurt you, and as much as I want to change…as much as I try to change…while changing, I am still hurting you. And you do not deserve this. I am sorry for every thing I ever did to hurt you. I am sorry for every tear that ran down your cheeks, every single tear that I caused. I am sorry for every sleepless night you had because of me…I am sorry for every thought you wasted on me…Sara if you want to leave…you are free to go. I should not have tried to hold you back…but I am actually glad that I did. I had to apologize. I hope, I wish…I pray you to forgive me. And you know why. And I know that I should be able to tell you the reason, I should be able to speak it out, to form it into words and…or to simply use words that, every person has ever used so often before, but I never used them. I never spoke out those three little words that you want to hear from me. And it will take a long time until I will be able to say them. If you think that…you are still strong enough to wait for me…then I would be forever thankful. If you decide that all the pain I caused was enough, I will understand. What I can give you now, is not what you want to have. The only thing I can do now is not what you want me to do…I wish I could be the man you dream of, I wish I could be the man you deserve…"

"…you are the man that I dream of.", her voice was soft, and so was the look in her eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks, but there was a smile on her lips. She placed her hand on his cheek and caressed it softly with her thumb.

She had interrupted him…and normally he did not like it to be interrupted when he made a speech…and he wasn't used to it either. But what she had said let him love her even more.

"You are the man that I dream of Gil Grissom.", she said again, now shifting her weight on her knees and kneeling on the sofa. "I don't know if I can wait.", she said softly. "But I will try…I mean I waited for the last ten years…I hate it when I did something in vain. I actually never give up fighting.", she said softly.

He felt his heart jump a little.

She leaned her forehead against his. Her eyes were closed, she breathed against his mouth and the pure thought of it let the butterflies begin to fly.

He closed his eyes, deciding to simply enjoy the moment with her, to enjoy the moment without regretting anything later, there was nothing wrong he could say as long as he kept his mouth shut, there was nothing wrong he could do as long as he didn't do anything. There was nothing wrong with being close to her…the only thing that was wrong was that he had thought he'd need an evidence to know how much he really loved her.

"You still didn't make it up to me.", she whispered softly.

"How can I ever make this up to you?", he whispered sounding even more desperate than he thought he was.

"The night isn't over yet…we can still pretend that we are still on our date."

I don't see a sense in that…I destroyed this evening.

She stood up, now it was her who dragged him behind her. "Get your jacket…we are going for a walk."

A walk? It's almost three AM…anyways…do not protest Gil! As long as she does not want you to make love to her behind a bush, as long as she does not force you to make out in a cab, as long as she is not forcing you to do something you do not really want to do, you keep your mouth shut! I was damn close to loose her tonight, and I wont risk it another time!

They left the house and he shut the door behind her. "Where do you want to go?"

"Do you have your car keys?", she asked turning to him.

"Yeah…but driving is not walking." And I wont test the back seats with you Miss Sidle.

"Let's drive somewhere."

"Where?"

"The desert."

What for? It's cold and dark there…nobody is there and…is that her plan? After what I told her, would she try to seduce me in the back of my car, trying to get me away from public, to get me away from everything that could remind me of my life here to seduce me? Gil you are fantasizing! You should not think she would simply make one of your wildest dreams come true…this is what happens in dreams and not in real lives…at least not tonight. He tried to push away the thoughts of them making out on the back seats of his car, like two young, wild teenagers. But this fantasy of him wouldn't leave him alone for a while.

They were driving since a couple of minutes now, he did not dare to look at her because he knew, one more look at her, still wearing that short, dark red dress, her hair not longer pinned up but curled and falling free into her face and lying on her shoulders, that soft smile on her lips that was not only driving him crazy and insane now, but had always done since the first second he had spotted the young woman in the first row of the audience room at Berkeley, …it would all bring him over the edge of what he could take right now. It would make him forget about everything he had just told her, he would forget himself and would pin her down on the back seats, making passionate love to her.

They drove almost thirty minutes when she told him to stop the car. He did so and watched her exiting it. She took off her shoes and put them on the passengers seat. "Will you come with me or are you going to stay in that car, simply staring at me?", she asked grinning.

Okay, now we're back in teasing mood. He grinned to himself and stepped out of the car.

He joined her on her on the other side of the SUV and followed her while she walked a few metres away from the car.

She finally sat down into the sand and he did the same. He didn't know what to do next, so he waited for her to do something. But she simply remained in silence, her thighs pressed against her chest, her arms twined around her legs, her head resting on her knees. When he noticed that she was shaking he took off his jacket and wrapped her into it. While his hands slipped over her body he felt he shivering even more. She turned to him, her eyes were dark and at the same time they were shining brighter than the stars.

The stars. Did she want to go here to watch the stars with him? Was she waiting for him to lay down on his back, because she just didn't know how to ask him to lay down? Was she afraid he would get it wrong? Was she thinking about this at all? Was she maybe just waiting for him to do something? Maybe she didn't know what to do either.

He decided that this time he should do something. So he laid down on his back and looked up to the sky. He had noticed that her eyes had followed his motions.

"Are you stargazing?", she asked softly.

What else do you think I am doing? Sleeping while I am on a date with the woman I love?

She moved over to him and laid down close to him, but not too close, he realized that she was exactly taking care that she was not too close to him. But just right now he wanted to be close to her. So when she lay on her back, her eyes staring up to the stars, he rolled on his side, placing his hand on her flat stomach and caressing her softly.

She immediately turned her head to him. She was obviously not trusting her senses anymore when she had felt his hand on her. And he wasn't trusting himself anymore, a thought that was scaring on the one hand…but on the other hand it was exciting him like nothing had ever done before.

Their eyes met and they remained in silence for a while.

"I thought you wanted to star gaze?", she asked whispering after a couple of minutes.

I already do… The urge to kiss her grew bigger and bigger and he had to swallow it all too often. "Sara…", he whispered, again trying to find the right words, they were there in his head, but he did not know if he could really tell her what he felt. Now…it seemed to be the perfect moment, but at the same time it was not, because he had just told her that he wasn't ready yet.

She reached up and caressed his cheek, her thumb striped his lips and it did not happen by accident when it did again. "You have soft lips.", she whispered.

This is not something I have to hear, he thought. Not now! Not in the moment that has been the most difficult moment of my life!

"I do not kiss on the first date.", she whispered. "Just in case you were worried…I do not expect you to do something you do not want to do and I wi…"

She couldn't finish her sentence because Grissom had just done something he knew he would probably regret later.

He had pressed his lips on hers, his hand on her left cheek, almost framing her face. He was shocked by what he had done himself but he knew she was much more shocked than he was. They didn't move for a minute or even longer. They both totally forgot about time…then he softly pulled away from her. He swallowed hard, afraid to look into shocked eyes of hers when he would open his eyes. "I'm sorry.", he whispered. "I forgot myself." Hoping she would have calmed down by now he opened his eyes. But what he saw was different from what he had expected to see.

TBC

I hope you weren't disappointed by this chapter…like said before, I just couldn't do it better…

And I had said in the beginning there will be angst, fluff, fun and tears….well like in real life it can't always be that funny…I really hope you liked this chapter anyways….and I know it somehow ends with a little cliff-hanger….next chap will be on soon, I promise : )

and I hope there were not too many typos in it...sorry but I still can't think totally clearly :lol: ...those damned pain killers!