Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: I know...this chapter was due a long time ago, sorry for this! I couldn't help it...I am still suffering from a major writing blocade on this story...and I am sorry but I guess you can see this in this chapter. It is very short...barely 2000 words (sorry for that). But I already have quite good ideas for the next (and last) two chapters. So don't worry

thanks to inlya and Teryl for just beeing there. And a big HELLO! to the GS Jedi knights : )

changed

She placed her index finger on his lips. "Don't you dare to feel sorry.", she whispered.

"But…you said you…wouldn't…I mean…I…" Oh Great Gil, first you kiss her, then you tell her that you regret it, you make her cry…and then you can not even bring out the words to justify yourself. You idiot.

He stared at her, his hand softly caressing her neck, without really noticing it.

"Can't we just forget about what we said?", she whispered pleading.

"I just, Sara…I have to explain it to you."

"I don't want explainations. They hurt. Can't we just…forget what we said and…remember this moment and…I promise that I…I mean I know that you did not mean to kiss me…but you do not have to tell me this…can't we just…", she pleaded, tears ran down her cheeks, they were sparkling in the moonlight.

It broke his heart. How in the world could he miss to realize how much it had hurt her, that he had told her he was sorry about this kiss? I have to say something…I have to comfort her! I don't want her to cry!

He wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. "I never meant to hurt you.", he whispered.

"I know.", she said softly. "There are always things that we don't want to do…but nevertheless, we do them, don't we?"

She's mad at me.

She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Sara."

"You already said that."

I am going to loose her if I am not finding the right words to fix this right now!

But he couldn't find any words. She had all the right in the world to be mad at him. If there were no words, the only thing left was doing something. But he wouldn't kiss her again, it wasn't that he thought she might not want to be kissed anymore, it was more that he was afraid that this would cause something worse. But there was something else he could do…although he didn't know how long he could stand that without loosing the total control over his body.

His hand slipped over her body, caressing her softly when it had reached her hips. Then he dragged her even closer to him, snuggling against her. He looked into her eyes for a couple of seconds, then he buried his face between her shoulder and her neck.

She chuckled softly when he did so, his beard obviously tickled her. He couldn't help but smile to himself. It felt so good to be that close to her.

"Sara?", he whispered softly.

"Yeah?"

They remained in silence. He didn't know why he had spoken out her name, maybe he just wanted to make sure that she was real, that this was real. He didn't know. And for the first time in his life he didn't care for the reason. For the first time in his life he wasn't searching for the answer to his questions, for the first time in his life he managed to push all his doubts aside, to simply enjoy the moment.

He felt her fingers slipping over his back. It sent little showers of sensations down his spine. He lifted his head up and looked into her eyes.

She smiled softly.

"Don't be mad at me.", he whispered.

Her eyes widened, she sat up, looking at him. "Why do you think I'd be mad at you?", she asked shocked.

"I…I made you cry.", he said staring down to the ground, not able to look at her.I'm an idiot. Somebody should forbid me to be with women. I am going to break her heart one day! I will hurt her although I don't want to, I am going to destroy her life. She deserves someone better than me.

"Oh my gosh.", she sighed. "I…Gil I…I am not mad at you.", she took a deep breath, her voice was shaking and she tried to calm down. "It was just that…I mean…I know I said I wouldn't kiss on the first date. That was a lie…I actually don't lie, never, especially not to the person I…", she made a pause.

He wondered what she would say next. He held his breath, feeling his heart beating harder and faster.

"…I just…don't usually lie."

Searching the fastest way out tonight Miss Sidle, do we? He grinned softly.

"If you keep on grinning like that I will become mad.", she threatened grinning.

"Oh, really?", he asked in a played unbelieving tone.

She chuckled. "You're different tonight."

"Different?"

She nodded. "You're…I don't know. I have noticed this a couple of times in the last months.", she said softly, becoming serious. "You…for a few moments you seem to forget about…everything else…it's as if there are two Gil Grissoms. One is…closed, totally pulling away from everybody else, and…the other one is…like the man I met in San Francisco."

"I changed.", Why did she have to say this? Why couldn't she just let this moment never end? Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut and start this whole discussion?

"Why?"

"I don't know…Sara people change. It happens.", and even if I'd know for sure what the reason was, I wouldn't tell her.

She bite down on her bottom lip, he wanted to reach for her hand but she pulled it away.

"Sara.", he said softly, pleading in his thoughts that she'd forgive him, that she'd forgive him whatever her had done to her.

"I told you that I wouldn't kiss on the first date because I didn't want to browbeat you. I…I knew that you don't feel comfortable with those things and I thought it would make it all easier and…then you kissed me…you did what I…I can't tell you how often I dreamed of kissing you…or being kissed by you…and then…you do it…and it felt so good and right…for one moment I thought that all the pain…all the doubts…all …just everything I've been through in the last years, wasn't in vain. But then you told me you regret it and…", she swallowed hard.

He could see the tears glistering in her eyes. He sat up, placing his hand on her cheek.

She turned away. "Don't touch me. You will regret it later for sure.", she said bitter.

"Sara…"

"…I think we should leave now."

"Sara, let me explain."

"You don't have to explain anything. I should have learned to never trust my heart. I thought this time…it would be different. I thought this time you wouldn't hurt me."

He swallowed hard. This felt as if she had just stabbed his heart with a dagger. I have to do something, I have to say something! I am loosing her…I broke her heart! I am such a stupid idiot! He wished he'd know what to do.He wished he could say something that would 'save the day' something that would make it all right. But he had to realize that sometimes there is no easy way out of things.

She stood up and walked back to the SUV, he followed her, cursing himself for destroying everything.

He unlocked the car and opened the door for her. She hesitated for a second, then she took a deep breath and was about to enter the car, when Grissom reached for her hand and made her stop.

She threw an questioning look at him.

"I have to tell you something Sara." , it's now or never. If I am not telling her now I will loose her forever. There's no way I can get out of this without explaining it all to her. Life isn't always easy, I should be thankful that it's not harder than it already is.

She looked at him, her eyes were dark, first she hesitated, then nodded softly.

He sat down on the ground, his back leaning against the car, she did the same. They sat close to each other, he held her hand, caressing it softly with his thumb.

They remained in silence for a couple of moments, then he broke the silence. "I changed when I thought that I had lost you."

She turned to him, she was confused, probably more than confused. He had promised himself to never tell her about the feelings he had when she had been dating Hank Peddigrew, but if there was a way to explain her why he was the man he was now, then it was telling her the truth.

He softly squeezed her hand, trying to encourage himself to keep on talking. "I would lie if I'd say that I had no intentions when I asked you to come to Vegas. But I…never acted on those. I should have done so…but there was a huge…lack of courage, if you'd like to describe it like that. And there was something else…", he swallowed hard. "…I…I never knew how to…show my feelings to you. And…then you suddenly began to date this guy. I had…this idiotic thought that…I could keep you without doing anything. That you would always be there. I realized that you were not…and that you had a life in contrast to me. I…realized that you deserved better than me, that you deserved someone who could act on his feelings…I pulled away from you because I…I thought it would be easier for me then. But it wasn't. I just didn't know how to deal with it….I still don't. And I still think that you deserve someone better than me."

He could feel her pulse racing. And his was too. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the car. Will she say something? What is she going to do now? If she says something…what will she say? Or will she simply leave…

She began to caress his hand with her thumb and index finger.

His heart was racing. Can't she simply agree or disagree? Can't she simply tell me what she thinks? Can't she simply…break this horrible silence?

She softly leaned against his shoulder. Letting her body slowly slip against his chest, her bare shoulders invited his lips to kiss them, it was hard to bear this urge down. Now her head rested in his lap.

He opened his eyes and looked down to her, running his hand through her hair. Their eyes met and he felt the tension rising up between them.

He swallowed hard, this situation was demanding for more than just self control. Not only that he was close to go insane because she still hadn't said anything after his confession, but now her head was close, much too close to a place, where his blood loved to rush to, when she was near.

She reached up to his face and caressed his cheek.

Can't she just say something?

Now she closed her eyes, her hand slipping over his chest. He felt that he was close to explode. She was touching him in a way that was much too reminding of his dreams of her. The more he thought about it, the more difficult it was to keep control.

"Maybe you're right…but I want no-one else.", she said softly. "You can't change the way your heart tells you to go."

Their hands met and they twined into each other.

She smiled softly. "Thank you.", she sat up. "Thank you for telling me this." Her free hand caressed his cheek. "Thank you.", she whispered once again, looking into his eyes.

He felt butterflies in his stomach, more than he had ever felt before. He took a deep breath, wondering if he should say something now.

But before he could decide what to do next she stood up. "Let's drive back to your house.", she said helping him up.

He opened the car door for her once again. Watching her while she entered and then entered the car too.

They remained in silence for the whole drive, he wished he wouldn't have to let go off her hand. From time to time he reached for it and squeezed it softly. Each time when he did so, he could feel that she was smiling and looking at him.

He didn't know what would happen when they had reached his house, but at the moment he didn't care. At the moment he only cared for Sara Sidle, his Sara.

TBC

like I said...major writing blocade on this story...I am sorry if this chapter disappointed you. I promise that the next one will be better.