Chapter 15

She barely registered the feeling of Helen's arms around her as she stood mumbling and crying into her shoulder. She could tell she was lightheaded, could tell she was swaying a little as they stood there, could hear Helen and the congressman talking quietly to each other and was sure it was about her, but she couldn't concentrate enough to tell what they were saying.

Grey matter. The words played over and over in her head as if they told the future story of her life. Grey matter, there will be a funeral in a few days. Grey matter, you'll never tell him. Grey matter, you'll never even have kissed him. Grey matter, you blew your chance. You were given so many over the years and you blew every one of them. Grey matter, you'll be alone for the rest of your life. Grey matter, you'll never be a mother. Grey matter, you're never going to smile again. Grey matter, you've lost the only man you've ever really loved. Grey matter, it's all your fault.

"Donna," Helen said quietly, and she stood upright and looked at her. "Why don't we go sit down?"

She could feel her head slowly going back and forth, but still couldn't quite register that she was the one making it happen.

"Donna, there're some chairs right over here," Matt said. "And Ned and I will wait right here by the desk for the nurse." She looked at him and tilted her head a little, then looked over at three chairs ten feet or so from the information desk.

"Come on, Donna," Helen said. "Let's sit right here and wait." She could tell her feet were moving, but wasn't quite sure how, and Helen walked her slowly to the chairs and sat her down in the middle of the three. A moment later, she felt Helen's hand on her back, slowly rubbing it in soft circles.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When the ambulance pulled up to the hospital emergency room door, the paramedic who'd been working on Josh looked at him and asked, "You need a gurney or a wheel chair?"

Josh shook his head. "I can walk. Get him in there first," he said, nodding towards Officer Davidson.

He nodded. "He'll be fine."

The doors opened and the other paramedic and the driver pulled Officer Davidson, still unconscious, out of the ambulance and started wheeling him inside while Josh's paramedic waited back with him.

He helped Josh stand, holding gauze to the cut on his forehead, and helped him out of the ambulance by holding his shoulder. The police officer who'd last cuffed him stood below and took him by the arm so he didn't fall.

"Now that it's quiet, I need to advise you that you're not under arrest, but you are being detained for questioning in the shooting of Officer Michael Davidson," the officer told him roughly.

"I didn't shoot him, he'll tell you," he said as the paramedic started walking with him, still holding the gauze to his head.

"Let's get him checked out. Then you can get a statement from him," the paramedic said to the officer, who nodded.

"I need to make a phone call," Josh said as they walked.

"I know," the paramedic said chuckling. "She worries."

"Yeah," Josh said, smiling.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Toby," they shouted as he walked to the podium.

"Shut-up," he said casually as he looked over his notes. Then he looked up and spoke. "At 2:14 eastern this afternoon, the Miami police riot team threw nine tear gas grenades into the riot in Miami. Three minutes later, they took control of the crowd."

"Toby!" they began shouting again.

"Ben."

"What's the death toll?"

He looked at his notes. "26, although that number's expected to be closer to fifty when this is all said and done. Mark."

"Toby, are there any police or FBI dead or injured at this point?"

Toby nodded. "One police officer died in route to the hospital after suffering massive head wounds. Two others were shot and are being treated at local hospitals. Their names aren't being released at this time. Katie?"

"Why wasn't the riot team deployed immediately?"

"That's a good question Katie. In fact, that's what the President asked the Mayor of Miami when he spoke with him just minutes before they finally were deployed. Jeff."

"What about the rumors that Josh Lyman was trapped in a building in the park during the riot? Is that true and is he alright?"

"We're not releasing the names of anyone involved in or injured during the riot at this time. That's all I have for now. Stay close for updates," he said before turning and walking off the podium.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

She sat in the hard, cold plastic chair in the waiting room, her hand on Donna's back, and looked up to see her husband looking at her. She smiled and he smiled back, a soft but genuine smile, and she could see in his eyes that he wanted to hold her. To tell her he loved her, that he always would, that she was everything to him. Her eyes glistened as she nodded and mouthed, 'I love you too', and his smile got a little bigger as he nodded back. There would be time to thank God later that it wasn't them. Right now, they needed to focus on Donna and Josh.

She didn't know exactly what had happened. Matt told her on the phone it was bad, but not how bad. She guessed by how hard Donna was shaking and sobbing and by the look in Ned and Matt's eyes that Josh didn't make it. She wondered what happened. It hadn't been quite an hour and a half since the whole thing started, and she thought about how quickly things change. How just this morning, she and Matt fought over the last of the grape jelly at the Waffle House near the hotel until Josh had finally waived the waitress over and asked for more and a third cup of coffee for himself. That seemed like a lifetime ago now.

"He's never gonna know," she heard Donna say to herself a minute later.

"What?" Helen asked her. She watched as Donna seemed to focus, turn and look at her. She was in absolute agony. It was in her eyes, in the redness in her face, the way her voice and hands were shaking, and in the way she took ragged breaths and choked on her words.

"I never told him. I meant to a hundred different times, but I never did. Never." The tears started falling again and Helen handed her a tissue.

"Told him what, Donna?" she asked softly, still rubbing her back.

Donna turned her head again, staring at the information desk, then looked down at the wadded up tissue in her hands. "I was so stubborn," she said quietly. "I waited year after year for him to tell me. For him to say it first." She stopped and looked at Helen. "Why did I care? Why did it matter to me who said it first? Why did I do that? Now he'll never say it, he'll never hear me say it, and it's my fault. Why would I do that?"

She took her hand off Donna's back and covered the hand that lay on her lap. "Donna, sweetheart, what didn't you say?"

Donna looked at her for several seconds and then looked over at the door Anna had walked through. "I love him," came out as barely a whisper.

"Of course you do."

She was quiet for a minute, then finally said, "I've never said that out loud. Not to my best friend, my mom, certainly not to Amy Gardner, never…" she choked on a tear and wiped at her eyes. "Never to him. Why didn't I ever tell him?"

Helen sat stunned for a minute. They'd never told each other how they felt? It seemed completely obvious to her that they were in love. And not only love, but a deep long real love, not something new, but something developed and lasting. She'd seen it in Josh's refusal to leave and in Donna's reaction to the fact that he was there. Of course they were in love. "Do you know he loves you?"

She turned then and looked at Helen. "I used to."

"You used to?"

"I… we… we messed us up. I…" she stopped and looked away again. "I haven't been so sure lately."

Helen squeezed her hand.

"What if he wasn't so sure lately? What if he needed to hear me say it? What if he… and he doesn't know?"

"Donna, I just met you. Just two hours ago, and I knew. Just like I knew that he loves you. I'm sure he knows. Of course he knows."

"But I never told him. Eight years and I never told him. He deserved to know and I never said it."

"Then you'll tell him."

"But… he…"

She pulled Donna to her and she rested her head on Helen's shoulder. "You'll tell him. It doesn't matter. You'll tell him and he'll know."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

They walked into the emergency room just as Officer Davidson was wheeled into an examining room. Josh watched him go and hoped he'd be ok. Not that he hadn't wanted that before, but it would be helpful if he woke up and told everyone Josh didn't shoot him. He heard the officer with him talking to a nurse, telling her he should be notified immediately if he were to wake-up.

Josh looked around the emergency room at doctors and nurses coming and going from different areas separated by curtains. A young woman who reminded him of Zoey came up to them and the paramedic began spouting off information.

"White male, 42 years old, blood pressure 138 over 81, pulse 97, laceration to the head, bruises on the right side near the ribs and the right lower back near the kidney. Possible broken nose and cracked ribs. I irrigated the lacerations on his head and gave him ibuprofen, but no other medication. Also, patient's been exposed to blood of two strangers."

He heard a nurse close to him talking to the morgue, and wondered how the first police officer he'd encountered was doing. He hoped they found him, and that they found him in time. He closed his eyes and could feel the man's blood and something else, something glossy, on his hands, and he felt queasy again. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. His stomach was too weak, he couldn't get sick now.

The paramedic put his hand on Josh's shoulder and nodded before walking back towards the doors, and Josh nodded back and smiled gratefully.

"Well, this looks pretty ugly," the young woman said smiling, looking at the cut on his head.

"I need to make a phone call," he said, wincing as she pulled on the skin near his cut.

"I need a little more information from you and then we'll see what we can do about that. Now, what's your name?"

"Josh Lyman. Can't we do this after I…"

"What did you say your name was?" the nurse who'd been on the phone asked, turning around and cutting him off.

He looked at her. "Josh Lyman. Can I use your phone please?"

"Josh Lyman?" she asked him.

"Yes. Please, I need to make a phone call."

The nurse smiled. "Come with me," she said, taking him by the shoulder and walking towards a set of doors. Finally, he thought.

She took him to the doors and pushed one open, smiling and pointing to Donna, sitting with her head on Helen Santos' shoulder, swollen eyes and dried tears on her red cheeks. He thought she'd never looked more beautiful.

"Someone's looking for you," the nurse said quietly.

He nodded, still looking at Donna, while tears pooled in his own eyes, and took a step into the waiting area.

Hearing the door close, Donna looked up. It took her just a second to realize it was Josh looking at her, watching her the way he had in Germany. Her breath caught and she smiled and started crying again, pushing herself up slowly to a standing position and staring back at him.

"Hi," he said quietly, rooted to his spot.

"Hi yourself," she whispered through her tears.

"You're supposed to be at the hotel waiting for me," he said, smiling slightly.

She looked down at the ground and crying became sobbing. Finally she looked back at him. "I don't want to be where you're not anymore."

He nodded and stared at her for a few seconds before walking slowly her way. There was only fifteen feet between them, but it felt like miles and she started walking too, meeting him half way and carefully putting her arms around his neck. When she pulled him close to her, he buried his head in her hair and inhaled the smell of her.