Disclaimer: Still don't own Stargate or well anything. Also I don't s own the song Yesterday by the Beatles. The Beatles own it. No me, I'm just borrowing it, just like I'm borrowing SG-1. And I'm still not making any money either.

Chapter 5

Thoughts in the Night

Hours later, long after the Tauri sun had set and the delegates from all three groups and the lady and her angel had retired for the night, Jack O'Neill escaped the confines of the mountain. He lay in the bed of his truck, which was parked on a deserted hill, not far from the mountain.

He laid completely still, watching the stars above him, not really listening to the portable radio ha had on an oldies station. Not his usual style, but the radio wasn't strong enough to pick up the opera station he preferred. Besides, seeing Charlie alive, well, alive-ish, had put him in a sentimental mood. So here he was, doing his second favorite thing in the world, watching the stars, and listening to an oldies station.

When string music began to play though, he came out of his non-thinking state and listened more carefully than he had since he'd first heard the song so long ago.

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh I believe in yesterday

That's right, he thought ruefully, before Pete I was content to wait, thought she was too. Now he's in the picture though, and right now that damned ring says it's going to be forever.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

Oh yesterday came suddenly

That's for sure. Sam never really smiles at me anymore, it's like everything there was between us is gone… and not gone, its still there, I think, hidden deep down. I mean, the way she smiled at me today in the briefing room, and how she knew to help, and not help. Her eyes and smile seemed to say that she still cares. Damn it, why does she have to confuse me like this. Why can't it be simple like it was with Sara? Of course, Sam has stayed with me through things that would have driven Sara away. And eventually I did drive Sara away. But how much of that has been these feelings keeping Sam with me and how much of it was a dedicated officer and second never being willing to give up of her CO? Oh for crying out loud! All I really want is for her to be happy. And I can't seem to be truly happy for her, it's all I want, and like that damned shadow it won't leave. Pete came so suddenly, maybe I though he wouldn't last.

Why she had to go I don't know

She wouldn't say

I said something wrong now I long for yesterday

She didn't have to say why she left. But she really didn't leave, after all, she was never mine to begin with. I'm the one who screwed up. She asked me point-blank and all I said was 'I wouldn't be here.' Maybe it was too cryptic. Oh great, me Jack O'Neill being cryptic, there's a laugh. Either way I messed up, and all I have to left are dreams of the impossible.

Yesterday love was such and easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away

Oh I believe in yesterday

That's what it was between us, pre-Pete, a game. A fun flirty game that was almost a step too far, but never a step far enough. And what the hell am I doing now? Hiding, have been ever since the announcement. Well, really I've been hiding what I feel for eight years, but that's not the point. And, the sad part is, I do believe in impossible dreams, I really truly do. But that's all they'll stay, dreams.

Why she had to go I don't know

She wouldn't say

I said something wrong now I long for yesterday

Really, I should have told her years ago. Said screw the regs or retired and told her. I wouldn't have been giving up much, I'm too old for this, have been for years. After Kanan, after the second Ancient download, both would have been good times. But, once again I screwed up, and now here I am. Alone.

Yesterday love was such and easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away

Oh I believe in yesterday

As the last lines of the song faded, Jack O'Neill stared up into the heavens. Tears streamed down his face, unabashed and unashamed. He lay there wishing he could have a chance to tell her, to start over again. Anything, just hoping against hope that he would not lose her, as he feared he was. Finally, he closed his eyes and let sleep whisk him away to the world of dreams. That bittersweet place where things where not perfect, but at least there he had Sam.

A/N:

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