AN: Probably the most angsty chapter in the whole story, chapter 10...a nice even number! Mock at the OOCness in this chapter (or at least what I think is some ooc). Please R&R! Happy St. Patrick's…belated a little bit

Some Kind of Crazy Love Potion!

Chapter 10

"Going Home"

Outside, the snow had ceased, and the sky was perfectly blue...

"So you see da pig and dem squirrels runnin' around the hole?"

"Uh huh."

"Well they's gonna be KABOOM!"

"I see."

"And they lived happily ever after...the end."

"Are you done?"

Gir nodded his head happily. Finally his master was listening to him again and with such rapt attention. Such focus! Proudly he stuck the strange drawing of pigs and squirrels to the fridge door, admiring the adept skill he possessed. Truly Zim was amazed. He had said, "Uh huh," at least ten times throughout the presentation. Gir was nearly in tears of joy when he ran to Zim, who sat calmly at the kitchen table, and wrapped his metal, yet loving arms, around his legs.

"I love you," he said, stuck out his tongue and ran to places unknown.

Zim rolled his eyes and propped his head on his palms and stared down the half-eaten plate of waffles in front of him. They were soaked with syrup and butter. Zim was filled with revulsion at the food, when only yesterday he craved them so badly that he sought Gir and ordered him to make several batches of the stuff. Whatever bad feelings Gir held for Zim disappeared and he could hardly remember the hormonal rages directed at him only months before. Now the robot was in his master's good graces again, and his delicious waffles were proof of his undying love.

Zim slowly got out of the hard wooden chair and sluggishly wandered to the living room to plop into the cozy recliner in the corner. His blanket...his blanket...was still there, nestled in the crack from yesterday's mid-afternoon nap. Zim bundled up in it and drifted into a heavy, dreamy sleep.

And that's how Dib found him when he brought in some groceries. He quietly crept into the kitchen with his load, discarding it on the table where the waffles lay as proof to Zim's current position. The alien had eaten and gotten very tired.

At least I can get some rest too, Dib thought as he entered the lab, or what was left of it. Now that it was dismantled, he had to figure out what to do with the four-hundred sixty mechanized screws. Each one was a potential medical lab, a storage bay, a weapons facility, or in the case of Dib's favorite, the observatory, and ironically, the smallest screw out of the lot. They were all in a metal box for Dib's observation, but he was bored of them for the moment, so he decided to peruse Zim's logs for the mysterious files that Zim was so adamant that he not read.

Zim's weird behavior warranted a search into his history. Why was he so...psychotic?

Psychotic and pregnant did not mix, as Dib could easily verify with the perverse incident in Zim's bedroom a few weeks ago. Neither of them had mentioned it, yet Dib got the strange sense that Zim was constantly gauging him for another sexual attack.

At least we're not back to square one, Dib thought, referring back to the uncomfortable situation created by the unwanted, pesticide-induced sex. Back then, neither of them could look at each other, but now, for some reason, Dib was comfortable even when Zim was looking at him inappropriately.

I'm just too used to Zim, that's all. Everyday it's Zim Zim Zim. I never leave the house, well, only for groceries. Dad only knows what I'm up to by email and by phone. Thank goodness he doesn't forget to send money every month. Heh. He's probably still happy about my wormhole research. Ah well. That's probably what he was working on all Christmas…

Stuck between boredom and having no immediate use for his base-screws, Dib decided to delve into Zim's personal files, otherwise neglected until now. At some point Dib would have looked at them, but the structure of the base occupied his time, and it wasn't until Zim became so adamant that Dib not look, that Dib became curious. Dib sat at a nearby console and wondered why Zim had waited so long to warn. Maybe he thought I'd already seen them, he thought, but I told him I hadn't.

Dib opened the general files, sifted them, sorted them, invaded them...

-

Zim thought he felt something press into his arm. It moved to his chest and wiggled around for a bit before settling and wrapping itself around his neck. It was cold, but then it became warm.

So heavy. Go away heavy thingy. I'm dreaming of...

"Gir!" Dib hissed silently. Gir looked up from his new bed...Zim. "Come here," Dib ordered sternly. "Now."

Gir pouted and gently rolled off his master, coming to a stop at Dib's feet and looking up pathetically. "Gir," Dib whispered, "you can't do that okay? You're too heavy, understand?" Gir nodded and looked back at Zim as he repositioned himself in his cozy blanket. All thoughts of the heavy intruder melted away into his dream.

"Go watch TV downstairs." Gir tip-toed into the kitchen and disappeared. He wasn't as stupid as Dib formerly thought. He grasped the basic concept of what was happening to his master, and now that the two had reformed the semblance of their previous relationship, Gir became a little overprotective of Zim and tried to watch him constantly, even if it meant crawling into his bed at night, or like now, cuddling up to him like a puppy.

Their reconciliation left Dib with little solitude.

Shit, what do I do now? Okay, only two options. Pretend that I never saw what I saw, or two, tell Zim the truth.

If everything happened for a reason, Dib thought, then perhaps this was best, yet it would mean certain changes would have to be made and secrets would have to be put to rest. Dib would not live his life guarding such a burdensome secret, and as a compassionate person, he didn't want Zim to live that life either. He regarded Zim, and judging that he wasn't going to wake anytime soon, he let his eyes linger on his face. He wanted to penetrate his skull and get deep down to the core of who Zim was. The delicate antennae draped gently back across his head, sloping like thin tendrils of a vine. He inhaled and exhaled evenly, only hitching now and again as if something in his dreams caught his breath. Dib was frustrated by this observation.

As if on cue, Zim stirred. His dream waned, and he sloughed off sleep wearily as he felt a presence directed at him. His eyes adjusted and he looked at Dib, who more or less stared back, though it was a particularly vacant gaze.

"Dib?" Zim said gruffly. He squinted in the dim room. Dib caught his stare and stumbled over his words to explain why he was staring.

"I...Gir was sleeping on you. I just ran him off." Zim sighed and slid out of the recliner, inadvertently pushing the chair to resume its upright position. The blanket was left, caught in the crack, crushed and forgotten. Zim stretched as he yawned. He felt refreshed, awake, and sadly there was nothing to expend his energy.

"So, good nap?" Dib questioned. Zim sharply faced him but did not reply; instead he made a mental picture of how he might look right now. Disheveled and probably unattractive. He wanted to sulk in peace, so he motioned himself towards the elevator to his room, but Dib stood in his path.

"Wait," he spit out unthinkingly. "It's...uh...there's something I want to ask you."

"Oh?" Zim's antennae raised in curiosity.

"Yeah. Will you..." Tell me the truth about your mission? "...would you like to go for a walk?"

Zim regarded him skeptically, glancing towards the window and into the literal wilderness he'd been torn from nearly seven months ago.

"Outside?" Zim asked. "Into the fresh air?" He said this with eagerness, but with restraint, lest Dib was joking to make him look like a fool.

"Yes, outside, into fresh air." Dib awaited the answer to his expedient question. At the last minute he froze. He couldn't bring up the subject of Zim's exile.

Zim's happy eagerness faded into suspicion. "Why would you ask me to go outside? Aren't you afraid I'll run away?"

"Well, no, you're pregnant and I have the base under my complete control. Where would you go? You're safe here and this is where you need to be for your health and the baby's. I just want to take you out because I haven't, and maybe I've felt a little guilty about it." Yeah, not until an hour ago, Dib thought. Wow, I sure can bull shit!

"I find it hard to believe that you were ever guilty about imprisoning me in my own base...or getting me pregnant, or...OR...well that's all I can think of for now! OH! but Dib you'll rue the day you put your filthy seed into my body!" Zim swiftly went to the elevator. He added, "I'll be back," and went below, Dib assumed, to change out of the robe he was wearing and prepare for the trek outside. Dib sat on the sofa to make a mental map of where he would take Zim. Of course he hadn't planned this, as it had been a horrible cover-up of his indecision, but now that it was said, it gave Dib the opportunity to at least appease Zim.

Fresh air was something he could have indulged on the alien. He had the means to control him. God knows Zim had a million devices in his lab for that purpose, but Dib had been selfish and never considered him, only the baby, but as he had said, it would be good for the baby. Now Zim was a little over seven months pregnant, well on his way to birth, and as last months exam had shown, the baby was growing very well...very, very well.

Dib thought about his baby's specifics, what he looked like, what he would be...

Zim appeared wearing an overcoat and his usual clothes; he seemed ready to go. Dib ordered the computer to give Zim a disguise, one that neither had seen in a long time. When Zim slipped on the contacts and adjusted the wig, Dib felt a rush of nostalgia that made him crack a small smile, thankfully unnoticed by Zim.

Besides from being pregnant, Zim looked exactly the same.

"Where are we going?" Zim asked as they left the house. Dib replied that they would just walk around, but since it was cold out, they probably wouldn't stay out for long. He even ventured to say that they might drop by his house to say hello to Gaz, or his dad if he was there. Zim nodded, but quickly lost himself in the splendor of the day. The sky was blue and the sun was bright, even for this winter day, and it's loveliness shone on the old snow to create tiny prisms that refracted as one passed by. For the first time Zim felt the air, earth air, and relished it.

Earth never seemed as magnificent as it did now, unguarded and sleeping in winter. Dib saw Zim quietly regard everything from the corner of his eye.

Dib chanced a suggestion, "Let's go to the park."

"The big park in the city?"

"No, just the small one a few blocks away. There are a few swings and benches, not much."

"I didn't know there was a park near here."

Dib laughed, "Well, I guess you didn't care to look. I remember playing there when I was little. I think I looked for Bigfoot there a few times, but I gave up after I realized he would hide in the woods not in some tiny park."

"Do you actually believe in this Bigfoot? What is the fascination with such a creature? Perhaps it is only an undiscovered animal, yet you humans have glorified it as this paranormal phenomenon."

Completely surprised at Zim's sudden gush of conversation, Dib replied, "I don't know why some people like me look for Bigfoot. I looked for aliens, and not a lot of people believe they exist, and here you are." Dib shrugged. The park was coming into view. "I think people like to explore and find new things. Maybe in the beginning you Irkens were simply explorers before becoming conquerors."

"Hmm, perhaps." Zim mulled over Dib's words as they entered the empty park. Snow was still on the seats of the swings and on the benches. Even though the air was cold, it was nice enough to play. They had the good fortune of being the first to break in the park on this day. Dib swept the snow off of one bench with his gloved hand and sat, inviting Zim to do the same. They enjoyed relative silence for a few moments. Zim wanted to inhale the air.

"I want to do this more often Dib-human."

"What? Walk around?"

"Yes, outside. I have lacked the energy for exercise, something I did regularly. Now I feel—"

"Feel what?" Zim shook his head negatively. "I've said too much."

"You haven't said enough," Dib added to the remark. "You know, you can tell me anything."

"What does that mean?"

"It means just what it means." Dib crossed his arms for warmth. "I want to know how you feel about not being able to take over earth anymore. I've taken your base and all your resources. What will you do after you've had the baby?"

"Perhaps I'll leave you and the child...unless you plan to keep me stranded. Will you give me my Voot so I can, or will I have to kill you with simple earth weapons? They're certainly potent enough."

Dib spat back, "Don't threaten me. I'll give you your stupid ship. You know I'm surprised that after all these months you haven't accepted the baby. I was hoping that you would." Dib's scowl faded into a sad frown. "I was hoping for something more than this."

Zim was looking at the snow. "Hoping for what?" he said softly.

"I don't know. Maybe that you would stop trying to take over the earth, or realize that it's not right to do that. It's not right." Dib's voice faded to a whisper. "I remember when we first met, and I automatically assumed you were here to do something bad or that you were a monster. What would it be like if you weren't here to destroy us?"

"I don't think about ifs Dib-human. Stop making conjectures."

"Sorry," Dib sighed. "I guess it's a silly human sentiment, or mine I guess. I try to find the best in people, so maybe I wanted to find it in you." Zim scoffed, stood, and walked a little distance to observe some of the park's entertainment devices. He'd seen human children using these often, but he never really used them himself, save the odd game of tether ball, which he detested. He could feel Dib's eyes on him. He hated that feeling. More than anything, he wanted to run away from this confining park and back to the base.

What if other humans saw him? He looked male, but he was pregnant. There was no denying his surface, and deep inside, he was worried about his looks and how others perceived him. Zim walked to the swings and slapped at their cold chains, knocking some snow out of the tiny links between. He had never really been concerned with how he looked, why now?

Zim swept his eyes over Dib. Dib. What did Dib think of him? Did he think he was hideous? Grotesque? Or sublime? Perhaps he found something pleasurable in his silken antennae, his vivacious eyes, or his smooth, creamy, fragrant skin. Dib himself seemed very attractive in the snowy setting. He was pale and the snow on the ground seemed to absorb his body, and were it not for the black clothing, he would disappear into thin air.

And now Dib was talking about sentiment. What good did Dib need to find?

I'm not a bad person, Zim thought. I'm just a bad soldier, a bad Invader...why would anyone think I'm a bad person?

Zim shook off the surge of hormones that told him to go to Dib.

"I want you to tell me Dib," Zim said suddenly. "What do you really think of me right now? Do I repulse you?"

Dib answered truthfully, "No."

"And do you hate me?"

"Not at the moment." Zim huffed and turned his attention to the swings. "So where do you suppose I'll go after the baby is born, that is, if you still give me my Voot."

"I guess you'll go back home, to Irk." Zim caught the swing's chain in his hand.

"What if I can't go back?" Zim asked softly.

"I don't know then. Stay here?"

Zim didn't say anything. This conversation bordered on too sensitive a subject.

Dib, on the other hand, felt the subject flow into the necessary position.

"Why are you doing this Zim? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Zim, confused, began to walk back to Dib, though he hovered a few feet away.

"I'm not doing anything to myself. What are you talking about?"

"Doesn't this seem so empty to you? Living this...lie?" Dib sucked in the cold air as soon as he realized his tactless delivery. This lie. Lie.

"Lie, I am not living…oh, no, you…" Zim was struck speechless. He gave Dib a very hurt expression, his brows were knitted and he held his hand to his heart, twisting his open coat angrily to battle the urge to lash out. Oh, how he wanted to lash. He felt his squeedily-spooch twist, his heart constrict, and something in the deepest part of himself roared violently against the emotion, the trauma of the truth.

With a shaky voice Zim painfully cried, "You read my files? You saw?"

"I did," Dib simply said. "Zim, I'm—"

"No! NO! Don't say anything. I have to go." Zim began walking, though he knew not where. His mind was a blur, his body and mind agreed on the pain, and it raged in him with each uneasy step. Dib was right beside him as they disturbed the snow, made it dirty.

Dib began to babble, "Zim, I had to see. Did you think I'd never look?"

"I ASKED YOU NOT TO!" Zim finally turned all of his hormonal anger against Dib; it was something he wanted to do from day one, and now he was so blind to reason that he welcomed the rush of rage in his Irken veins. His blood boiled. With an unholy shriek Zim struck Dib across the face, simultaneously knocking him down and straddling his hips. He was on top, heavy with child, and he slammed one fist into Dib's cheek, then his lips, and then pulling his hair, he lifted Dib's head and smashed it back down into the cold, wet snow.

Dib got a grip on Zim's elbow and roughly pulled all of his weight off of him. Zim was tossed to the side and instantly tried to recover, but Dib was more clearheaded and locked Zim's arms behind him in a tight grip, one that Zim could easily escape, but the situation proved to be too much for the alien, who suddenly gave up his wrath and sank into piteous tears, both hormonal and genuine.

He cried for all the lies and the burden so suddenly lifted off of his small shoulders.

Dib knew. He finally knew. And he was still by his side, wrapping warm arms around him and trying to console him with kind words. The words were blurred to Zim, but the tone—whispered, hushed, sympathetic—reached his receptive antennae.

"I'm sorry, Zim. I'm so, so sorry."

Zim's voice cracked, "S-stop saying y-you're sorry. You…you're not sorry."

"I won't say it anymore. Come on, let's go h—" Zim swallowed something thick in his throat. He felt the last tears fall from his eyes. He wanted to wash this feeling away.

Dib finished his sentence, finished the word that defined who he was and where Zim was.

"Let's go home."

tbc.