Sailormoon = not mine.
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Twilight Bastille: Chapter #6 – Spilling Out
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"So, you take the X and square it here to find the quadratic root of…ah…" Rei couldn't remember what she was talking about for the life of her.
Hotaru looked up at her questioningly. "But I thought you squared B, Miss Rei."
"Oh, right, of course. Sorry, Hotaru. You're correct. Let's continue, then."
The girl nodded eagerly, and both dark heads bent over the paper.
But Rei couldn't keep her thoughts still; they scattered and flew like fragile paper cranes. The numbers before her thickened and swerved, losing all clarity. She blinked to keep them straight, and fought the temptation to keep her burning-dry eyes shut longer.
"Here."
A small plastic pouch materialized before her, and Rei coughed at the tiny sugar crystals wafting up, pushing it away.
"What – what is that, Hotaru?"
"Just some candy." The younger girl continued to focus upon her homework, childish voice even. "You look like you need it, Miss Rei. You're so tired and pale…I've never seen you like this before. Maybe you should talk to the doctor?"
"Thanks," Rei murmured, untying the ribbon around the bag. She wasn't terribly hungry, but she couldn't just turn down Hotaru's gift.
Peach-flavored wafers, crumbling into golden dust at the bottom of the bag. The smell was intoxicating, sweet and tart at the same time…God, she was starving. In a matter of seconds, the wafers had been devoured.
Hotaru absently reached for one of the candies before she realized the bag was empty. She turned to her tutor, her lamplike eyes wide.
"Oh, dear…you're that hungry, Miss Rei?"
Rei forced a weak smile. Her stomach, angry at being teased with so small an offering, was already clenching in hunger. She'd have to wait until dinner at the mess hall, still hours away.
"I'm sorry, Hotaru. I don't know what's wrong with me today – I'll get you another bag of candy. Promise. And I'll talk to the doctor too," she added, amused by the sudden concern on the girl's face.
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A few hours later, Rei reached her final destination for the evening. She dragged her palms over the glass-paned windows to each infirmary room. Grandfather was in the last one down the hall. She quickened her pace. Maybe Jacen was already there?
She'd begun to think of him as that – just Jacen – last night when he'd carried her home from the hospital. Rei remembered it as little more than a dream, but it certainly proved that he wasn't interested in anything but friendship with her. Oh, he always flirted, but there was no real desire in his eyes, hadn't been since he'd cornered her in her home, while Grandfather slept. Even that memory seemed distant now, hazy, as though she'd only imagined Jacen's interest. And perhaps she had – Rei had to admit that she was totally unused to indifference from any man. On the one hand, Rei liked that she knew she could trust him. On the other, his platonic regard rankled more than she cared to let on…
Listen to yourself – you should be thankful. Even if he was attracted to you, you'd end up as nothing to him – an exotic plaything to be tossed away. You know what it's like to be kicked aside, don't you? And honestly, how long do you think you could resist? You're hardly immune, Rei argued with herself.
"How does that feel, Mr. Takahashi?"
Rei recognized his voice, emerging from two rooms back, and she retraced her steps, pausing in the doorway.
Jacen held a small boy's spindly ankle between his fingertips, turning it an infinitesimal degree one way, and then the other. The boy, who Rei recognized as one of the orphans – Ryu, wasn't it? – was shaking all over, but Jacen held his leg perfectly still.
"How about now? No? Here?"
Ryu shook his head.
"It doesn't hurt at all? Not even when – oh, so that's where it hurts, hm?"
The boy nodded, tears looming large in the corners of his eyes.
"Well, then, my lucky friend," Jacen concluded, gently putting the leg down on the table, where it promptly began to tremble along with the rest of his body, "you've just got yourself a minor sprain. I'll send along some painkillers to your big brother. Use ice for the swelling and elevate the ankle. If it gets any worse, come back to me. I'll get you some crutches – "
He dashed out a quick note on his pad, ripped the page out, and handed it to the boy. The doctor reached beneath the examination table, finding a child-sized pair of crutches as well, and pulled them out. Ryu grabbed them and leaped off the table.
Jacen rolled his eyes, easily catching Ryu midair and putting him down gently. Kids never learned.
"Be careful," he intoned menacingly, eyeballing the boy. Terrified, Ryu nodded once and beat a hasty retreat. He moves pretty damn fast on those crutches, Jacen thought, smirking.
Rei quickly sidestepped the limping child, her darkly amused gaze coming up to meet Jacen's. He returned it with a quick quirk of his brow, which quickly furrowed as he took in the sight of her.
"You all right, pigeon?"
She blinked, startled. I suppose he wouldn't be a very observant physician if he didn't see what Hotaru did – do I really look that bad? "I'm fine. Why shouldn't I be?"
His skeptical gaze dropped to her sharp collarbones, down to her slender waist. Rei flushed, reminded of his once-over the first night she'd met him. The doctor hadn't looked at her like that ever since – that appraising, desirous look. "You look tired. Hungry as a jackal, too."
Rei shrugged. "I did eat already, but I'll snack on something later tonight."
"See that you do." Jacen's tone was uncommonly peremptory, but his countenance softened with a slow, easy smile as he turned to the window, watched Ryu make his way outside.
"He comes in here every month with a different sprain or cut or scrape. Some kids never figure their limbs out, I guess. Rations are tough on growing boys – just wait 'til he discovers sugar."
"I don't blame him for getting restless," Rei commented. The longing in her voice conveyed a world of meaning – to him, at least.
He stepped into the hallway, making for Grandfather's room, and she followed.
"Doctor?" her voice was hesitant.
"Mm?"
"I – I don't really remember going back home last night, it's all dreamlike to me. I've been a bit tired lately, it's true…but thank you, for helping me home."
Helping you? More like carrying you, sweetheart. Jacen didn't voice the thought, as a lightning-quick image of Rei sleeping, hair spread out like a cloak beneath her, danced across his memory. It was costing him some effort, hiding his fascination for the girl behind a jocular, almost brotherly facade.
"Don't worry about it. You're thanking me a lot these days."
She shrugged. "I can't repay these debts. All I can do is appreciate them."
"You don't need to think of them as debts."
"I do."
There was steel in her voice, and Jacen let it drop, irritated by her constant adherence to formalities. The return of his thoroughly alert and armored Rei was almost unwelcome. Was that all that kindness meant to her? A loan, a liability? What, some inner voice mocked him, you expect something more? They'd reached the old man's room. All was the same, as he'd expected. Jacen and Rei dropped into their chairs simultaneously to wait.
Still irate, Jacen cut right to the chase in beginning a conversation. There were things about this wild, disdainful creature that he wanted to know. He'd never tiptoed around anybody's feelings before. Why start now?
"Why did you come here? To California, I mean?"
Rei cast him a quizzical glance. Hadn't she explained this last night? "I came with my grandfa-"
He waved a quick hand, cutting her off. "No. You would have known a girl of your age – you're what, eighteen? Nineteen? – and a man of your grandfather's years would have almost no chance of finding work. Especially back then – Dust Bowl years."
Her spine straightened, like an angry cat's. "Nineteen. And I don't have to explain this to you, Doctor."
Feigning nonchalance, Jacen leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes as he felt his pockets for a cigarette. None.
Damn. He hated that the girl's stiff reserve riled him so easily – he was just her grandfather's doctor, and reticence was all he should expect. You fool. You know you want more.
A few minutes passed in uncomfortable silence before her voice cut the air, icy and too high.
"My father sent us here."
When Jacen didn't say anything, just stayed where he was, leaning back, eyes closed, arms loosely folded behind his head, Rei continued.
"He's a politician. In the Cabinet or Chamberman of something. I don't know. I don't care, either." Rei's tone had assumed a belligerent edge, like a child's. "He's too damn good for us, I guess. Grandfather and I ran a shrine in Tokyo, you know, and it was too small-time, too rustic for Papa. When it looked like he might really make it big in the political world, he didn't want anybody to know he married into Mama's family, because they were poor and old-fashioned." She continued, barely pausing for breath. "I…remember being very little, when my parents were happy together, but when his career took off…Papa forgot all about her. Us. So when my father thought the press might start snooping, he sent us abroad. Big ranch, monthly checks. A good private school. Catholic. And he promised a lot of things, a lot of empty things, but – but I'm here now."
Rei stopped before her words became any more disjointed. She'd only told him because she didn't want him to think she was some pitiable creature, unable to talk about her sob story past. She wanted him to see her strength. And here Rei was, noisily swallowing her regrets into a huge lump at the bottom of her throat.
"I guess there's no way he could have predicted this would happen, with the war and the Jap camps…but, you know…he'll never understand how it feels, to be hated for something he can't change. I'm here because I'm Japanese, right? I can't…change that – I wouldn't – I'm proud of it. But him," her voice dropped. "I hate him because of what he could have done, could have changed. He could have accepted us as family. He's over there, in a land of familiar faces, while we're here, all alone. He'll never understand what it meant to see that sign that told me where I could and couldn't go. What it meant to have those gates close behind me."
The words seemed to flood out, buoyed upon a river of unshed tears. Rei snapped her mouth shut, amazed that she'd spilled so much of what she'd never told anybody else. She watched him warily, waiting for a reaction. Oh, God, I think I'll cry if he says he's sorry, if he looks at me with sympathy in those eyes. I can't take that, not from him.
Jacen hadn't moved a muscle. His eyes were still closed, his lean frame stretched out in the chair. The doctor spoke after a pause, his words calculated to be curiously irreverent. "He sounds like a real dick."
Her laughter came out husky, choked, but it came out anyway, and they were both grateful for that. Jacen knew very well that she couldn't bear to let him see her cry.
"Yeah," she laughed weakly, "he was. Is."
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Suddenly alert, Jacen sat up, leaned forward. A strangely reckless mood was taking hold of him now, replacing his prior irritation. He recognized it for what it was – frustration. Definitely frustration and some desire for the girl sitting next to him, a need that he'd forbidden himself to act upon. Now that she'd opened herself to him, that she'd almost let him know her tears…Jacen didn't know what to feel anymore.
So he talked.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, my Pop's a real piece of work, as well. Drunkard. He turned my brother Andrew into one, too. He was a little older than me. We almost looked like twins, used to lay waste to Manhattan between the two of us before the operation, there was never enough booze, enough women, enough hours in the night…and my mother, total ice princess – "
Rei had no doubt that this was the truth about Jacen's family, not the embellished half-truths of last night. Something in his eyes was gathering, some storm. He spoke too quickly, and the quick flash of his teeth was more grimace than grin. Rei was familiar with it now, the way the lines of his face moved when he was angry, happy, sad. She'd watched him long enough, fumbled at the truth of what she wanted from him.
"Operation?" she ventured.
Jacen hadn't meant to mention it.
"So, all these blue-blooded families in New York," his words were acid, "their kids get into the best universities without even trying. Law school, medical school, especially. They come out of there with no idea of what they're doing. Hell, they don't need the cash, so why work too hard? It's all about the prestige, obviously. And all these families…they're friends. At least, they pretend to be. They keep all the jobs in the family, so to speak, so everyone sees the same few attorneys, same few physicians, and so on."
Rei knew what came next. She always did.
"It was a pretty minor procedure, honestly. Should have been quick and easy. But Dr. - Jesus, I don't even remember his name – he…he probably barely had ten successful operations under his belt. Andrew bled to death."
She couldn't see his face, lost in the shadows between them. Jacen stood abruptly to check Grandfather's numbers, although they both knew there was no change. Rei watched his hands. They didn't tremble, not even now. They never did. They were always quick and completely capable, and Rei understood now.
He continued, flatly. "I joined up as a doctor with the Eighth as soon as my residency was up, right after he…and when I got typhoid overseas, they shipped me back to recover. Same hospital he died in. I got out of there as fast as I could."
She couldn't conjure up something funny to make him laugh, like he had, so Rei said what she was thinking to his motionless back.
"Listen, Jacen," his name tasted strange. "I'm sorry – you know, what I said when I met you, when you said you couldn't get Grandfather's medicines, and I was so angry – and I asked you what kind of…" Rei trailed off, licked her dry lips. "I think I know what kind of doctor you are, now. I meant to say it before."
She stood, feeling the way her words charged the air. "You're not like him."
Who am I talking about? Rei thought shakily. That doctor who killed his brother? My father?
Jacen didn't turn to face her, but when he spoke, it seemed that he knew.
"You're right. I'm better."
There was so much pain in his voice that Rei didn't think twice before stepping closer, placing her palms on his back and resting her cheek against his thin shirt. Was it a simple gesture, meant to comfort? She was aware of nothing else but the heat of his skin through the cotton, burning into her. When she tried to step back, her feet refused to move, her body melting into his. I can't be the only one who feels like this – it's impossible to ignore. Bewildered, Rei exhaled a half-sob, half-sigh, the heat of her breath like a bullet through his flesh.
Jacen stood ramrod straight, knuckles white over the iron bars of Grandfather's cot. She could feel his shoulders roll beneath her fingertips, but he did not draw away from her touch.
"Don't tempt me, pigeon." His words were low, raw. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into."
Although Rei couldn't see his face, she was pretty damn sure this was one of the few times since she'd met him that he wasn't smiling one bit.
They remained like that, neither willing to be the first to go. He knew she wouldn't move, and she knew he couldn't.
And so, neither moved a muscle at all.
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