A.N. This is for my friends "Azelma" and "CofC Girl", who love the Remus/Sirius pairing, and hated Book 6 when Remus ended up with Tonks.As a result, here's Remus telling Tonks how he truly feels...and JK Rowling can kiss my grits if she doesn't like what Remus has to say.
Bittersweet
He couldn't go through with it.
He just couldn't. No matter how many times she asked him to. No matter how often she would try to coerce him into continuing an intimate relationship, with her pleading, saddened expressions and moods. It just didn't feel right, to hold her as a lover would, to tell her he cared deeply for her and would, always. It wasn't that he didn't care for her at all, but it was the feeling a brother had for a sister, not the feeling of a lover. He loved her, but no matter how hard he tried to close his eyes and convince himself that he did, and could, he couldn't be…in love with her.
That rapturous, fleeting, intense, magical feeling of being in love he had felt only once in his lifetime. And as he smiled sadly as he gazed at a picture of him with the person he had once cared more for than anything else, he realized that he had to tell her the truth. It wasn't right for her to feel, and expect, things from him that he could never, ever return or give to her. No matter how much she tried to convince him otherwise.
It would hurt her deeply, he knew. He could sense, with all the wisdom and perception of someone who had been through many hard times, and had suffered intensely in his life, that telling her the truth would wound her more deeply than any reluctance to be in a relationship with her. Telling a woman that he was too poor, too old, and too dangerous for her was one thing; she could just easily push it all aside in her attempt to prove otherwise, seeing the reluctance as a challenge rather than a brush off. But telling a woman he could not love her because he cherished a memory, a past, a person that no longer lived, except in his heart and thoughts, would crush her bitterly both in her emotions and her esteem.
It would be a bitter potion for her to swallow, that was to be sure…he reflected sadly as he tried to harden his resolve that for once, he would be honest with himself as far as his emotions went.
He was still in love with Sirius.
About an hour later, Remus apparated back into his house, his mind as conflicted as it was before he had visited Tonks to speak the truth. She had not taken it lightly, that was for sure, but she had taken it better than he had previously hoped she would…
"Remus?" she had said as she opened the door for him to enter. She had been waiting for him to arrive since early afternoon.
"What is it?" He had asked with a slight falter in his voice.
She had turned to him, her eyes and mouth beaming in rapture. She had had something to ask him, something he had not been expecting her to ask. The question had stunned him even more than the revelation he had had nearly twenty years ago, when he realized that he was in love with one of his best friends.
"Remus, will you marry me?"
The stun of the question, and the hopeful light that was still shining in her face, caused Remus to feel lightheaded, and he felt he needed to sit down in order to recuperate.
Tonks, seeing how shocked Remus felt, as it showed from the bewildered expression in his face, walked over to him, and sat on him, crossing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. "You don't have to respond right away," she teased him, trying to show outwardly that his hesitancy didn't bother her, even though inwardly she felt a little uncertain as to he would respond.
She did, however, think that eventually he would, whether it be today, or tomorrow, or a week from now, reply with a "Yes." To be sure, she had not really expected herself to ask him that question when she woke up that morning. She usually did wake up thinking about him, but those particular thoughts ranged from how sweet was his smile, to certain…mature themes not intended for younger minds to understand.
Remus was so conflicted that he could not really concentrate on Tonks's actions at present, he did not flinch when she patted his head and stroked his shoulders in an attempt to soothe his nerves. He merely sat there, his mind both whirling with thoughts, and yet he could not move a muscle or open his mouth for fear nothing would come out, and yet…there was so much he had to say. How could he possibly attempt to make her understand how he truly felt now? When she was so obviously oblivious to anything but her own desires?
After a few minutes, Tonks began to feel worried, and her beaming smile now turned into a concerned frown. "Remus, are you feeling all right?" She asked as she tried to gaze into his eyes. Sometimes she thought she understood him perfectly. Part of his appeal was that he was a deeply sensitive, caring person who just happened to have a…furry little problem. And then there were times like these…she sighed to herself…there were times like these when she could not for the life of her possibly guess as to what he was really thinking behind his once constant, now only occasional pretense.
Remus took a deep breath to try to stay calm and convince himself that he was doing the right thing, and that she needed to hear what he had to say from his own lips.
"Tonks, there's something I have to tell you." Surprisingly, the falter in his voice was gone, Remus realized in relief.
Tonks noticed it as well, and her concerned frown now became even more apparent. "What's wrong?" she asked. Unconsciously, her arms drifted down from Remus's shoulders back to her sides.
Please don't tell me he's having an affair, she thought to herself, before Remus spoke again.
"First of all…you have to understand why…why I was so reluctant to begin a relationship with you in the first place."
Tonks raised an eyebrow. "We've already been over this a hundred times, Remus. You're not too old for me, you're not too poor, and you're not dangerous, at least, not when you're not in the bedroom," she chuckled.
Remus winced. "That's not it at all, Tonks…there's something else."
"What is it then?" Oh Merlin, here it comes. He's met someone else.
"I am in love with someone…from my past."
Tonks hardened her features. The bubble gum pink in her hair changed to fiery red, for fury.
"Is that so? Do I know who it is?" So I can go after the little slut and set her straight.
"Well…" Remus winced yet again. "Yes…as a matter of fact."
"Who is she?" Tonks asked. Her voice was surprisingly calm and cool, not the loud boom of fury she thought it would be.
"It's…not a…she."
Tonks's eyebrows lifted to her tips of her forehead. Her mouth dropped open before she could help it. "It's…a…he?" Oh Sweet Merlin, if he says it's Mad Eye Moody, I really will die from shock.
"Yes…"
"Who is…he, then?" Oddly enough, she felt amused. Hurt, but amused. She would never had guessed it…that Remus was…gay?
"Sirius." Remus looked her straight in the eye as his heart pounded upon saying the name.
"Sirius!"
"Yes."
Tonks's mouth felt dry. Her eyes were burning in pain, but not as much as her mind was. Remus was in love with her dead cousin?
"How is that possible?" she finally asked, amazed that she could speak from the stunned revelation Remus had just given her.
"It's been possible since…since we first laid eyes on each other at Hogwarts," Remus admitted. A faint smile arose from his mouth and eyes at the sheer memory.
Tonks looked back up at him. A second ago, she didn't think she could ever look him in the face again. "You were lovers?"
Remus nodded. "Not till our final year there, though. You see…I was afraid of loving anyone, or getting close to anyone, for that matter, because of my, as James and now Harry so lovingly referred to it, my 'furry little problem.' But the Marauders helped me realize how wrong I was in that respect. I grew to care for them like brothers. But in fifth year, I noticed myself getting closer to Sirius more and more. We could completely understand each other.
We both were prejudiced against, Sirius within his own family for not being a pureblood fanatic, myself for being a werewolf, and we had been given so much pain and grief for who we were, that we could sympathize with each other and be closer differently than we could with James, or Peter. James was completely focused on his future wife, Lily, at the time, and Peter, well, you can see it was best that we not confide our feelings and thoughts to him.
However, after sixth year, Sirius had almost gotten Snape killed by me by telling him to visit the Shrieking Shack when I was transformed into my 'furry problem', and James fortunately managed to save Snape in the process by pulling him back. As relieved as I was by James' heroism, I was very disappointed in Sirius for his prank, for even Snape didn't deserve such a punishment. I was even more upset with myself, for being in a condition when I could have possibly killed Snape without realizing it. I felt so terrified of the possibility that I withdrew from being a prefect. Consequently, James became Head Boy, as a reward given from Dumbledore for doing the right thing. Lily found out about it and finally accepted James' constant pleas for a relationship as a result.
And Sirius begged me to forgive him. He would never have begged Snape, he hated him too much, and was too proud to do so, but I think by pleading with me, he was asking for both our forgiveness. He honestly didn't think of the consequences, he told me. He wanted us to still be friends, and he promised he would never make light of my condition ever again, as proof that he realized the dangers of the situation. I forgave him, of course," Remus smiled yet again at the memory. "And as a result, we became lovers. We had never had much of an interest in girls, unlike James. All we ever needed was each other. As long as we had each other, we were satisfied, and I never felt the worries and grief when I was with him. He made me lighten up, and I made him more 'sirius.'"
"But then he got accused of killing James and Lily and Peter," Tonks reminded him.
Remus nodded guiltily. "I believed the Ministry when they accused Sirius and placed him in Azkaban. I feel tremendously sorry that I ever doubted him, but there had been no proof that Peter had done it, so there was nothing to relieve Sirius of conviction. I spent the next thirteen years stifling all I had ever felt for Sirius, even though he haunted me constantly in my dreams and thoughts. I wanted to be rid of the memories, but then he came back into my life, and proved himself innocent, and worthy of my love. Even though he's dead now, I can't be rid of the memories, no matter how hard I try. There's too much of him within me that still matters."
"So that's why you didn't want to be with me to start with," Tonks whispered to herself, the tears rolling down her cheeks, as much for Remus's heartbreak as for her own.
Remus nodded gravely. "I'm sorry, Tonks. I never meant to hurt you. I thought, when I finally agreed to a relationship, that somehow, being with you would be like being with Sirius. You were related to him, and sometimes you remind me of him, you both like to have fun and be free from restraint. My telling you that probably hurts you more though," he covered his face in his hands in regret.
Tonks tried to paste a smile on her face. "No…it's touching, in a way. I guess I should be flattered." She hiccupped a sob as Remus threw his arms around her to hug her.
"So now you understand why we can't be together. As long as I'm with you, or anyone else, it won't stop the feelings that remain for Sirius. Even when I'm dead, they will still exist."
Tonks nodded. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you. That's one reason I fell in love with you. You try to hide your true feelings, your vulnerabilities, but you can't. They are just a part of who you are. Like a true Steppenwolf," she tried to laugh.
"I hope someday you can forgive me and we can be friends again. I care a lot for you," Remus told her.
"Oh, I care for you too, Remus. More than you'll ever know. I hope someday, when you're gone from this world, that you'll be reunited with Sirius once again," Tonks's face looked miserably pathetic, she had tears streaming down, and her hair had turned from fiery red to muddy brown.
Remus smiled sadly. "I hope so too, Tonks," he sighed as he turned to go. Then he turned back. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but Kingsley Shacklebolt has treated me with disdain ever since I went out with you. Maybe you should chat him up."
Tonks let out a sound from her mouth that was something between a snort and a sob. "Oh, he's been after me for ages. But it will take a while for me to get attached to another bloke after I've been with you. You're a rare breed, Remus."
"Not rare enough, thanks to Fenrir," Remus managed to joke, albeit somewhat bitterly.
Tonks looked at him with pity. "Even he can't change you into someone different from who you are, Remus."
"I know. I'll always be who I am. Someone that's in love with a memory."
"Memories can make us a love a person even more, Remus," Tonks told him, even though she knew she didn't have to.
"That's what I've realized these past years," were the last words Remus said before disapparating.
"Well, that explains why he seemed to hold me so stiffly after we made love. He tried to imagine I was someone else, and couldn't," Tonks said to herself out loud…
Remus looked once more, just as he had countless times over the years, at the picture of the man he still loved. "I'm thankful, that I got to be with you again, even if it was just for two years. You made up for two years what I missed for twenty. They made me love you even more." Two bittersweet tears rolled down his cheeks, and landed on the picture of Sirius, who was smiling back at him and waving in joy, as if welcoming him back home.