I don't own Sailormoon.

…

Twilight Bastille: Chapter #11 – Red Rain

…

…

…

…

…

Rei clutched her prayer beads closer, wishing that the charade was done. The soft chants of the priest barely reached her consciousness. She felt strangely detached from the funeral rites. These crumbling ashes and murmured words had nothing to do with Grandfather. Her goodbyes had been said; she had felt with her own hands his spirit depart from his bones. From that point onward, formalities and ceremonies seemed hollow, unable to convey the depth of the void.

A few neighbors stood with her, all similarly dressed in black, their heads bowed but watching from the corners of their eyes for signs of her sorrow. Rei could give them none. Her face was tight with exhaustion, but she stood steadily, her dry eyes on the gold-fleeced horizon. Where he must be now. Somewhere free of his pain, his ancient body's cage. Their friends and acquaintances expected to see her crying for him, but in truth, her grief was not for his loss. It was for hers.

Two days had passed, spent preparing for a funeral that had to take place before the body began to decay in the early autumn heat. Immediately after the ceremony, Rei went home. Her body seemed to understand what needed to be done; even as her mind lapsed into vacancy, her hands automatically unwrapped the packages of food well-wishers had left. She ate slowly and methodically, her lips closing around the chopsticks completely each time until the bowl was emptied. Rei rinsed off the dishes, quickly bathed to rid herself of old sweat and unspilled tears, and fell into a dark, dreamless sleep.

She awoke soon after, so tired still that she ached to even think about standing up. Rei stood up anyway. Will I ever feel awake again? she wondered bleakly, unable to remember the last time she'd felt rested, alive, functional.

There was a rap at the door, and in the space of a moment, Rei was transported back in memory, the day Jacen had come to deliver Grandfather's medication…a sudden blow of crushing anguish stole the breath from her lungs, and Rei leaned against the wall, swallowing her sobs. Taking a few seconds to control herself, she opened the door to a familiar face.

"Miss Rei…oh, Miss Rei, you look so different, are you…?" Hotaru faltered, her eyes wide.

"I'm…I'm fine, Hotaru," Rei managed. She hadn't spoken to anybody in two days; words tasted strange in her mouth.

"I just…I wanted to come talk to you," Hotaru stammered, chin trembling. "I wanted to see if you needed – no, wanted help with anything. I can do anything around the house, so you don't have to be so busy. I know you've been tired, and I…" her words broke off, split apart by tears.

"Come here, Hotaru," Rei said, and the girl came immediately into Rei's arms, moisture silently tracking down her pale cheeks.

"I know, Miss Rei, I remember…I remember when it happened to me," she whispered against Rei's chest, her warm breath fitful. "I thought I could help…"

"I'm grateful…but I know it hurts you to think about what happened to your parents, and I don't want you upset on my account," Rei held Hotaru at arm's length. "Go home for now, and we'll talk when you're ready to talk. When I'm ready to talk. All right?"

"I'm sorry," Hotaru said, fiercely scrubbing at her face with the edge of her sleeve. "I'm being so stupid…"

"Shhh," Rei soothed. "Don't worry about a thing. Thank you. For thinking of me."

The girl nodded tearfully, backed away, faded into the dark.

Rei shut the door, leaned heavily on it, eyes closed. What will I do now? she wondered blankly. Is this how I'll live out my life? This state of nothingness, and then these jaws of memory snapping at my heels? Will I always be running, barely a step ahead of my pain? What had she been thinking of – what had that knock at the door had reminded her of? Grandfather's medicines, Rei thought, swallowing.

Jacen.

He hadn't been at the funeral, had he? Rei didn't know; she hadn't been looking for him. She slipped a housecoat over her nightgown, not bothering to pull her hair into its familiar knot. Some familiar instinct told Rei she had to see him tonight. And in truth, she couldn't stand to be here, locked in a house that still smelled of Grandfather's shirts and soap. Everywhere she looked, something he had touched, laughed at, exclaimed over…Rei felt the waves coming in over her head, felt herself gasping for air. She yanked the door open and stumbled out into the cool night breeze.

By the time she had reached his door, she had managed to calm herself. Hoping Jacen wasn't at the hospital, she rapped at the door.

No answer.

Rei tried the handle without hesitation; she was far past propriety by this point. Surprisingly, the door immediately swung open. She took a step inside, blinking in the dim light. The bed and recliner were barely visible in their corners; a thick pall of cigarette smoke hung in the air. The doctor sat at his desk, only in his shirtsleeves, back to her.

"I'm sorry, Rei," his words were hoarse. "I've failed you, haven't I?"

…

He turned to face her, and Rei's eyes widened perceptibly. His golden mane was disheveled, hanging over his forehead; faint stubble glinted in the light. Jacen clutched a perspiring glass of whiskey; obviously, he had been drinking for some time now, judging from the amount of alcohol remaining in the handle, but his blue eyes were haunted, sober.

"Jacen…Jacen, are you…?"

He gave a short bark of laughter. "Drunk? No. I wish I was, but I've always held my alcohol too well for my own liking."

Rei didn't know what to say.

"So, tell me, pigeon. Have I failed you? Your grandfather is gone…and I let him go." Jacen watched hungrily for her reaction; Rei's lips twisted, compressed in pain. "I tried, Rei…but obviously not hard enough. Does that make you hate me?"

"No," the girl whispered. She hadn't expected things to get antagonistic this fast, but considering what had happened at their last meeting, perhaps she should have.

"No? Well, that's one less person, I guess, but I damn well hate myself. I promised you something, him too, and most of all, I promised myself…To prove something, to give us all a miracle. And I fucked up. You were right about me the first time you met me – "

"Shut up, Jacen" Rei interrupted, taking a step closer, her eyes burning into his. She couldn't stand it any longer, this drip-drip-drip of acid suffering. "Don't make what you did cheap. You gave him his dignity – maybe that's a failure to you, but it wasn't to him. How dare you talk about his life like it's just another mark in your tally of patients – successes or failures? Wallow in self-pity all you like, but – but leave him out of this. Grandfather wasn't something to prove, just…an old man who'd reached his time…and there was nothing you could have done – "

"There has to be something, something that would have worked," Jacen ranted, rising from his chair. "Don't give me that bullshit about his time, Rei, because I don't believe it. I never have."

"Just because you're a doctor, it doesn't mean you can reduce him – or anybody – to a bunch of parts! He was at peace, Jacen, I saw it in his face. He wasn't some broken machine you could have just fixed up – "

"And what about you, Rei?" his voice was ragged. "What about you? Are you a machine? Is that why I don't see you crying?" Jacen reached for her arms, his clenched grip painful. She cried out as he yanked her closer. "Even if you're right, even if it was his time – you can't pretend that you've accepted it, that it's all right," he ground out. "I can see past that, Rei, I'm not fucking blind. It's your loss, isn't it? Why can't you ever let go of this facade, like you don't feel a thing when I know you do?"

"I'm tired," she whispered, her words muffled against his shirt. "I came to you because I couldn't do it anymore, and here I am, still trying…"

"Then let go, Rei."

Just because you must confront your demons, child, it does not mean you must always keep a brave face.

Why can't you ever let go of this facade, like you don't feel a thing when I know you do?

Then let go, Rei.

The words roared over her head, crushing her in the storm-blue of his eyes, and Rei's next breath was a choking sob. She doubled over, feeling something inside her clenching tight and releasing with every gasp as her tears fell, bitterly alkaline. Rei was dimly aware of the doctor's arm around her waist, his fingers pulling hair from her wet face as he murmured meaningless, soothing things against her ear. Ugly, harsh cries seemed torn loose from her, flooding the room with loss. They took all strength from her, and when they finally quieted, Rei hung from his arms as limply as a doll.

Jacen hauled her up, tucking her head against his chest, and she didn't have the will to protest. Just weeks ago, I couldn't stand to have him touch me, and now I feel like I'd fall apart if I couldn't hold onto him. His heartbeat was too rapid, a sharp staccato, and she looked up. The doctor's face was drawn, his irises incandescent on some point beyond the bedroom's walls.

"I wanted to know him." His words had a peculiar, hurried quality, like Jacen couldn't release them quickly enough. "You know, it wasn't really about fixing him or anything like that – it was just…seeing him lying there, I wanted to get into his head so badly, wanted to shake him alive and find out how he felt. What made him smile, what made him tick. It's the first thing they told me not to do when I started my residency – to personally invest in my patients, in their loved ones." He looked down at her, and Rei sucked in her breath, at the rawness in his eyes that mirrored hers. "I couldn't help myself, Rei."

His thumb brushed the tear-tracks from her cheeks, rubbed the salt gently into her lips. She leaned into his touch, letting his palm round her jaw, heat her wet-chilled flesh. Rei's lashes trembled in anticipation as she boldly lifted her mouth to his. The kiss tasted strange to her, like whiskey and penitence. She needed this, this uncomplicated, heated encounter of her lips curving around his Cupid's-bow. For a moment, they remained motionless, Jacen too conflicted and Rei too inexperienced to move past their chaste embrace before his long-denied instincts took over, his hands tugging on her long, black strands for leverage, his mouth coaxing hers open.

Too late for doubts I've watched and wanted too long, their thoughts spilled together, indistinct. Jacen pushed her coat off her shoulders impatiently, pulling her against him. Rei linked her wrists around his neck, standing on her toes, and he felt a jolt of heat in the pit of his belly, fingers splaying across the small of her back. Her nails languidly trailed over his nape. The doctor took his time with insolently unhurried kisses, belying the urgency of his greed. Despite the blue-black night, all in Rei's vision was gold; her skin felt sticky against his, breasts aching where they rubbed his chest, insistent heat coiling her fingers into flame. She pressed herself into him boldly, daring him to touch her, and Jacen broke off the kiss with a sharp oath. Rei made no attempt to back away, her stare challenging.

"Don't try to play games with me," he growled. "I'll win every time."

The silence was thick, fluid.

"It's no game to me," Rei replied quietly, her suddenly vulnerable mouth bruised scarlet. Eyes twilit, devoid of their smoke screens.

His eyes were fierce, their deepest blue, but Jacen's lips shifted tenderly. "Then I'll be as good to you as I know how, pigeon."

He let his palm skim over the curve of her hip and thigh, dragging the frayed cotton of her nightgown up as his fingertips traced the bared lines of muscle and jutting bone. Rei's breathing shallowed out nervously – he does this with such ease – suddenly her hands were pushed into the air as Jacen pulled her nightgown over her head with a soft rustle. He paused for a moment, his eyes lingering over her small breasts, her too-slender waist with a hungry reverence that made her take her self-conscious thoughts back. Impatient, he tugged at her hands, pulling Rei tightly into his chest as they fell into the bed.

The feel of crisp cotton against her bare skin irritated her; she reached for his shirt between kisses and pulled as hard as she could, feeling the seams rip. Jacen's chuckle danced against her lips, trembled against her throat, and she held the lazy heat of it inside her as long as she could, her neck falling nervelessly back as his tongue laved her breasts, teeth tugging the buds into hardness.

His palm smoothed over her curls, the briefest warning before he drove two fingers in. Rei cried out, hips bucking off the bed. Jacen tested a third, felt her edge away in discomfort; mercilessly held her still and worked his thumb over her center until she relaxed. She couldn't hold out any longer, pulling Jacen up by his hair, drinking her own sweetness from his fingertips. Rei's hand encircled him, and she marveled at his unfamiliar, velveted feel - at his visceral shudder as she explored his length. Jacen reached between them, stilling her touch.

"Rei." His words were nearly guttural, scent of musk and sweat feral to her heightened senses. "Rei, I can't – I shouldn't take you like this, like I'm a guilty man looking over my shoulder."

"I can't wait anymore." She could hear the desperation pounding away in her blood, rising to the surface. "Please."

His fingers crushed over hers. "I'll hurt you like this, being your first. I can't promise to be gentle."

Rei could feel the tears coming, bewilderingly, and she blinked them away, reaching up to grasp Jacen's shoulders, pull him closer. "I don't want you to be."

He didn't say a word, and Rei felt his hand release her, allowing her to divest him of his trousers. A few breathless moments passed, nervous, mad thoughts swirling around her head as she watched her lover spread her thighs. She'd never feared Jacen before. She didn't fear him now. The question came unbidden. What are you afraid of?

Jacen took her then. It hurts. Oh, my God, it hurts, Rei thought wildly, muscle and skin and bone clenching in pain. When she finally opened her eyes, Jacen was completely motionless, suspended above her, arms trembling with the effort of holding still. His gaze was strangely calm on hers. He seemed to understand exactly what she wanted without a word passed between them; she pulled him closer, let him kiss the wet from her lashes as he thrust deeper, burying himself in her. As pain melted to pleasure, fire to fire, he took control from her as she lost it. One hand curled around her hip, interpreting the subtleties of their movements; the other tangled at the base of her skull, lifting her to his kiss like the sun. He watched her as she writhed beneath him, her eyes shut tight, his eyes dark, thoughtful. And as the sun glowed hotter and hotter, too much for either of them to look at directly, his mind blank with her sex, he thought indistinctly even if she never loves me, oh God, oh God I will be happy with this, with what she has given.

I will be happy with this.

…

…

…

…

…