I don't own Sailormoon.
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Twilight Bastille: Chapter #13 – Rhapsody
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The days at Manzanar grew short as autumn breathed her subtle chill over the desert and the news reached expectant ears: the camp would close in November. Little less than two months away.
Far from the eager frenzy that camp administrators had anticipated, the residents of Manzanar seemed weary, reluctantly beginning to pack away their things, pulling up the small religious statues in their gardens, hand-painted signs from their corroded doors. They talked about the inevitable move resignedly, as though they had known it was coming all along, and now they were simply shifting the wrinkles on their faces to accommodate it.
Rei heard the news a week after she'd spoken with Chad Winters, and it only assured the certitude of her decision. She had spent long hours in the office after the lawyer had left, trailing her fingernails like a lover over the crisp white paper and her compact signature upon it. She had her freedom. Rei could pack up and go; it was a simple matter of a day's packing, a few goodbyes, and a hired car. In less than a week she would be back in the valley, back in the old house – her old house…doing what? Arranging and rearranging her knickknacks in a pitifully small corner, feeling small and alone without someone to share the space with? The barracks without Grandfather were bad enough; thankfully, there was not enough space to contain too much grief. Back in San Fernando? Her pain would swell to fill the whole ranch, and she would lose her mind, she knew it. Of course Rei wanted to leave; for years she had pressed her face to the fence and looked beyond. Now that the gates no longer detained her, she hesitated at the very doorstep.
Rei had decided to stay.
She hadn't breathed a word of it to Jacen. Rei couldn't predict what he'd do or say, and she worried that the doctor might gladly encourage her to leave; she feared that he'd tired of her and would be relieved at her precipitous exit. Rei almost laughed at herself. You want to leave, but you want him to want you to stay? What a child you are, wanting everything, giving nothing. And in truth, she could bear another month or two here, perhaps longer, if she could spend her days with him. Rei treasured whatever time she still had with Jacen; the thought of picking up and leaving so suddenly caused her inexplicable pain. I'd choose him over my freedom. You've built your own cage, Rei. She hoped Jacen didn't notice the new tension knitting her brows, the sudden thirst in her lovemaking. Although she suspected that he probably did, the bastard.
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Rei allowed him no opportunity to speak, eagerly reaching for his face the moment the door closed behind her, up on her toes to hungrily draw out his lower lip, sighing as his hands spanned her waist. If Jacen noticed any change in his lover that night, he didn't care to ask about it. They didn't speak of Manzanar's closing. Perhaps they both felt the end of their liaison looming near, and contemplated their thoughts in the dark, long after they had finished with each other. With the light of morning, however, Jacen saw the dark rings under Rei's lashes. As she rose from his bed, he gripped her wrist; the girl turned to face him with a cat's abrupt grace.
"Did you sleep?"
"Yes," she said warily.
"Wrong answer." Jacen smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Tell me what's bothering you."
"Nothing." Seeing the look on his face, then, "November," Rei said flatly. "What's going to happen?"
"Ah." He released her hand, falling back, staring up at the ceiling. She sat as well, her back to Jacen, letting him run his fingers through her hair as he spoke. "What do you want to happen, Rei?"
"I was thinking of taking the money I've got," her voice was soft, "and maybe taking a bus to the valley to see who's left. I could stay with a friend, I guess, and try to make up the funds I need to buy an apartment."
There was a pause.
"I could help you, you know," Jacen chose his words carefully. "Some kind of arrangement – "
He couldn't see her face, but her spine straightened tellingly. "I'm not going to take your money, Jacen, you know that, and definitely no arrangements," Rei's tone brooked no argument.
He gave her no warning; Jacen looped a handful of silky hair around his fist and tugged hard, bringing her head down to his level, ignoring her cry of pain.
"Who said anything about taking money? Don't you dare belittle me, Rei – I'm more than your benefactor and you know you're more than a charity case." He stood, shoving away the sheets twined around his hips, walking to the bathroom.
"Jacen, wait!" He didn't turn, splashing his face with water and lathering up. Rei followed. She tentatively touched his shoulder, felt it stiffen beneath her fingertips. Ignoring his obvious body language, she pressed herself close, resting her forehead between his shoulderblades. "Jacen," she murmured against his spine, "Jacen, I'm sorry. Please."
There was no give, no response. Damn. Rei hadn't wanted to tell him this, hadn't wanted to open herself to unwelcome questions.
"I didn't mean it about the money…I know whatever help you give me isn't out of pity…and believe me, I'm grateful. But…I don't need it. I lied. I'm not going to a friend's house. I'm going to my old house, mine and Grandfather's."
"How?" His tone was even; he continued to shave.
"A lawyer came here a week ago. He told me my father's dead and I've come into some of his money. I have an inheritance, plus the money Grandfather and I have made the last few years."
Jacen didn't say anything as he put away his razor and soap, and she couldn't see his expression. Rei backed away to lean against the bathroom wall. Finally, the doctor turned to face her. There was a strange, wry smile on his face. He took her shoulders, pulling Rei closer.
"So you're going home, then. I'm happy for you, pigeon. This is everything you wanted."
"I – yes," Rei said softly, not meeting his gaze. She couldn't tell anything from his expression, despite how well she'd learned to read him. Was he relieved? Upset? Regretful?
He gave her a little, playful shake, like a stranger, and it seemed to belie all that had passed between them in the past months. "When are you planning to leave? Hell, why haven't you left already? It's already been a week!"
It took all of Rei's courage to speak. "I'm not leaving." She looked up at him, defiant. I'll be damned if I let you go so quickly. I'll hold you to me as long as I have strength. "I haven't gone yet and I won't be going until the camp closes down."
She watched his face closely then, searching for the inevitable questions, hungry for any emotion at all. Jacen gave her nothing. His face was as unreadable as it always had been, and whatever questions he had, he chose not to ask.
"I see," and his voice was very low. He folded her into the warmth of his arms, and Rei choked down a sob, her lashes fanned shut against his chest. "I see."
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The final weeks passed by, much the same as the last few months had, but with unbearable speed. It felt much as though they were rushing inexorably to some new, untasted place, waiting in the still sunlight – summer's last gasp of heat – for something to happen, neither daring to release their commingled breath. They didn't bother to hide their relationship from the administrators and internees any longer, and there was a strange-sweet flavor to loving openly. Rei stopped working, finally, as everybody was busy packing and organizing, and there were fewer ills for Jacen to handle. They would go to the gardens and rest under the artificially watered trees. Nobody would sit with them for the shame of it, so they were absolutely alone. Jacen would rest his head in Rei's lap, pull the pins from her hair so that the black curtain enclosed them in untimely night. They talked little. There was heaviness in Rei's heart, the weight of many heaped sorrows, and it lent refinement to her features, a subdued adulthood. In Rei, Jacen now saw the woman whose girlish shadow he had chased that first night he'd met her.
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Most of the detainees had finished packing by November 20th, and chose to spend their last night in camp celebrating. There were small, informal parties in the gardens and in the tea house, and the children sang and laughed as the parents talked quietly amongst themselves, discussing who had a sponsor and where the cheapest land might be found. Some sipped homemade sake and vowed not to leave at all until they were evicted; there was no other place for them to go.
Manzanar's last eve found Rei running her palms slowly over his chest, as though she sought to remember the play of muscle beneath her white hands. It had become the most normal part of her evening, lying in his arms, enjoying his fingers' slow burn on her skin. It was an unseasonably warm night; Jacen's sheets had long been packed away and the traveling clothes they would both wear the next day lay neatly on his armchair. The clothes that they had been wearing less than an hour ago were tossed haphazardly about the floorboards. The moonlight painted their sweat quicksilver, flashed off Jacen's teeth as he spoke.
"You're leaving me tomorrow morning, pigeon."
"You'll be leaving me too, back to Manhattan," she replied lightly.
He smiled in the dark. "That's true. But I didn't have the option of leaving before now."
Sensing where the conversation was going, Rei stilled the motion of her hands on his chest, pushing gently away from him, and then harder when he didn't let her go. "Let's not spoil our last night here talking about this, Jacen," her voice half-pleading, half-commanding.
Jacen laughed, the sound filling the room, and tilted her chin up to kiss her. Rei relaxed into his embrace, thinking she'd won, and nipped at his mouth gently, punishingly. His fingers tangled in her hair, her legs twining restlessly with his, and finally she broke the kiss, breathless.
"Why did you stay, so long after you could have been back home, Rei?" his breath caressed her lips.
Rei opened her eyes, glaring at him.
"I don't know," the words tumbled out in a burst of annoyance.
Jacen's mouth twisted. "You're a ridiculous contradiction, sometimes, Rei, and I can believe half the time you don't know yourself and worse, you don't want to know yourself. But this time – this time, I think you know exactly why you stayed behind, and I think you don't want to tell me."
"You're damn right I don't," she said shortly, desperation tingeing her voice. "So?"
"Why are you so angry? Is it so hard to be honest with me? Or has lying become second nature to you?" his arms tightened around her but his voice was teasing, and neither of them expected the slap that painted his cheek pink in the pale light.
"Oh…" Rei whispered shakily, her eyes wide with shock, "Oh, God, Jacen, I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry…"
Neither of them said anything for a moment.
"I'm not," he said harshly. "At least it was truthful. Nothing you tell me can make any difference now, Rei. We're going our separate ways tomorrow. It doesn't matter anymore – "
"I wanted to stay with you."
There was a long, labored silence. She didn't dare look at him after she'd blurted it out so thoughtlessly.
When she did collect the courage to glance up at him, Jacen's face was pale, and Rei smiled painfully. "So you see, it does matter. I've surprised you for once, haven't I? I want to go to sleep, Jacen. Good night." Then, steeling herself like a soldier leading his comrades into battle for the first time, Rei continued breathlessly. "Do you remember when you asked me what I was afraid of? It seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? You told me to come to you when I could tell you. I'm sure you knew what it was then. I finally know now. I was afraid – no, I am afraid – " her voice rose and dropped erratically, "of this. Of loving you."
She turned her back to him abruptly, her breathing rapid and shallow, and he knew when her shoulders ceased to shudder that she had finally fallen asleep.
Jacen tugged at her sleeping form gently, nestling her into the curve of his body, resting his chin atop her black head. He gazed sightlessly out at the moon, a smile curving his full lips. "At least, pigeon," he murmured, "at least I finally know that you do."
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By noon the next day, Rei and Jacen were waiting just outside the gates with hundreds of others, all looking for their cars and buses and shuttles. Rei was taking a crowded bus to the valley; an old friend of Grandfather's was waiting to pick her up and take her to her old neighborhood. Jacen had a small van coming to take him to Los Angeles, where he would catch an evening flight to New York. They scanned the hazy road together, and Rei pushed down the brim of her sun hat, protecting her fair skin.
"Miss Rei," Hotaru emerged silently from behind her and touched her shoulder. "Miss Rei, our shuttle is here." She pointed, and Rei could see it arriving, kicking up dust in the distance.
"Thank you, Hotaru," she smiled, and Hotaru grinned unexpectedly back before leaving them alone to collect her things.
"She's lucky," Rei mused, moving closer to Jacen. "One of the families has offered to take her on as a nanny for their babies; their old one died last year…"
"Rei."
She couldn't speak, but her answer was in her dark eyes, and Jacen lifted Rei by the waist, hat knocked to the ground, long hair spilling out gloriously in a river of ink. She flung her arms brazenly around his neck, tangling her fingers in his crisp golden curls. He tasted the sticky sweetness of her mouth, the tears that always salted their kisses. Rei closed her eyes, willing to memory the short-lived rhapsody of these last days. Jacen's lashes brushed hers, her breasts pressed heavily against his chest, and she thought she might choke. He set her down, ignoring the whistles of the guards and Florence's coughing giggle. Rei was breathing heavily, lips swollen, blouse heaving, and Jacen couldn't help his customary smirk.
"I hope you don't let anyone else kiss you like that, kid," he taunted.
"I hope for your sake that you don't kiss anyone else at all, Doctor," she countered, eyes flashing.
"I will see you again," his voice was rough, meaningful.
It would hurt less if I didn't believe you, but I can't help myself, you've changed me, she thought, and she nodded wordlessly, saving the tears flooding her eyes for the journey home. Rei turned to board the shuttle.
She was the last passenger inside; the door slammed shut and the driver started the bus up with a choking roar. Rei sat at the cloudy window and, feeling very much like a cinema heroine, rubbed at it until she could see his face. Oh, please, Rei thought wryly. He was already speaking to someone else, a nurse perhaps. I knew it. But as the shuttle's wheels turned round, the doctor looked for her, knowing exactly which dirty window she waited behind.
Something in his intense gaze wounded her, and she could no longer see him through the stinging in her eyes. Rei blinked furiously, trying to make him out clearly before the bus pulled away. He had told her that he would see her again. She did not know when it had happened, but somewhere down the line, she had – foolishly? too late now – begun to believe him.
But if this was to be the last time, Rei wanted to hold that last image of him behind her eyelids – fogged by tears and glass, the luster of his golden curls and skin dulled but his sharp blue glance burning, and she wanted to keep that pain deliciously close to her heart.
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